Calmer Than You Are

Jersey Lazy

2010-09-30T05:30:00.003-04:00

I admit it, I suck. I never finished Guidos In The Mist last season and this year's Jersey Shore is already like seven episodes deep. I've been slacking hard. But that doesn't mean I haven't been watching Jersey Shore. It's still the most unbridled batch of ridiculousness ever. To let you know what I think of this season thus far, here is an email exchange between my sister and I...

I hate Sammi so fucking much. Just watched the latest episode. Here's my take...

>> You're right - Paulie is fucking awesome. Dude has gotten exponentially funnier each episode. The "cabs are here" dance and his Snookie impersonation = Win.

>> The Situation is still the man, although doing push-ups or any kind of "pump up" exercise before going out is ultimately ineffective.

>> I really hope Ronnie just keeps on cheating on Sam throughout the season. That cunt is unbearable.

>> J-WOWW better get a rematch. I think she would fucking annihilate Sam given another chance.

>> Snookie is... well, at least she's finally getting plowed this season. Poor bitch couldn't buy a lay last season.

>> Angelina is gross on so many levels. Voice, appearance, personality. I still maintain that she is the reason for that earthquake in Haiti.

The End.

~Q~

P.S. HAHAHAHAHAHAH... Admittedly, I wrote most of the above before watching the entire episode. This gem was priceless: "Can we stop so Vinnie can buy a Fossil watch? Tryin to get in there, bro." Jesus... and then he finishes with the Staten Island dump line. More Paulie. Dude rules.

I hate her too, but a lot of my friends want her to kick Jwoww's ass because they think Jwoww is a bully. I think she can be, but only when she needs to be. I think JWoww is a good friend and she and Snooki got screwed with this whole letter thing. I hate it when someone gets cheated on and blames other people instead of their girlfriend or boyfriend who actually broke their trust, etc.

I would be fine if Sammi and Angelina never came back. Actually, I think Angelina is not coming back for season 3.

Oh god, did you really have to get all analytical with it, Jules? "I think JWoww is a good friend and she and Snooki got screwed with this whole letter thing." Before we delve into the psyche and emotions of these characters, let's keep one thing in mind: they're not human. It's a widely known fact that the guido is of an entirely different strand of species. One comprised of Axe body spray, hair gel, increased artificial melanin, sweat, and fruit-flavored vodka. To even suggest they share the emotions with actual people is an insult to our genome. Now, onto business...

I guess I can see where J-Woww can be a bully, but I like to think she's just insane. Your friends must be crazy, too, though. Even if someone disagrees with the actions of a "bully," how could they prefer Sammi's horseshit? Fuck, if it were up to me, I'd have Vlad The Impaler reincarnated to mangle that cunt. And Sammi getting mad about the letter rather than Ronnie's actions just proves my universal point: Women are fucking crazy.

The producers love Angelina because she is a drama machine. I doubt it would happen, but I'd love to see her get punched in the face this season. Preferably by Mike Tyson. Wearing diamond-studded brass knuckles.

Free Loggins!

2010-08-12T20:21:00.001-04:00

Sweet fuck, I'm busy at work tonight. Well, let me clarify: I have a lot of work to do. I'm not doing it, so technically, I'm not busy. But if I were actually doing what I get paid for, you can bet your ass I'd be pretty busy right now.

Still, I had to take a break from not doing anything to discuss the below music video.

1) For starters, I am seriously questioning that prison's security measures. Loggins escape wasn't nearly on par with that of Tango & Cash. But I guess Kenny was driven by the unstoppable power of love. Besides, you think a chain-link fence is gonna hold this guy?

2) I shamefully admit that I've never been a fugitive from the law, but if I ever was, you can rest assured I would take Loggins approach. Make sure I have an epic beard going, steal a piece of shit car, sing some song extra loud while driving down the street, and then get out of the car, bang on the hood, and sing even louder. He's so low-key he should be an international spy.

3) Let's start breaking down the charges: A) Escape from a federal penitentiary, B) Grand theft auto, and C) Wearing a leather jacket over a sleeveless white t-shirt. If he gets caught, he's probably looking at 120 years minimum.

4) Holy shit! At 1:35 one of those gang members has a pair of nunchucks. Thank god the director made sure an Asian played that role. Authenticity is crucial, which is why David Carradine playing Caine in Kung Fu was Kung stupid.

5) Okay, who the fuck is the guy with glasses at 1:49? Is that the kid from Freaks & Geeks? And if so, why are he and Kenny Loggins friends?

6) At 2:01 Kenny reveals why he was in prison in the first place. Clearly, he's a rapist.

7) Okay, apparently she loves him (or she's scared he'll rape her and kill her... or kill her and then rape her) so they run off together. Oh, two lovebirds running from the law - how romantic! Of course, the moment is totally ruined when the camera zooms in on her disapproving father at 2:39. Dear lord is he ugly. I need to staple a picture of that guy to the side of my head so women will find me far more attractive by comparison.

4) Probably the best part of the video: he's a wanted fugitive with what appears to be an underage girl, and they're just casually strolling down the street, fully aware that law enforcement authorities are chasing them down like rabid bloodhounds. And instead of heading for the border, they decide to catch the next showing of Footloose. What better way to run from the law than to be inspired by some good ol' fashioned punch-dancing.

5) Oh shit, Johnny Law is closing in on them! Time to run to the roof of a building - always the optimal escape route.

6) Alright, so the hoodlums who were giving Kenny shit in the beginning are now bum-rushing the cops. You know, the cops armed with shotguns and M16's and shit. Interesting plot twist. Still curious to see how Kenny and his slam-piece get out of this one.

7) Check 3:27. WHO THE FUCK IS THIS DUDE WITH THE GLASSES?! In fact, I have several questions: Who is he? How did he get on top of the roof? Why does he always grab one of Kenny's shoulders from behind to startle him? How come he knows the perfect escape route? Why does he look like the stereotypical computer programmer from the 80's? You just know that little fuck is going to invent Google and make millions, but he'll still be too fucking snobby to just get LASEK surgery and buy button-down shirts with long sleeves.

This Guy Is Single?!? Part 8

2010-07-20T03:15:00.000-04:00

Movie Trailer Confounds

2010-06-26T06:40:00.007-04:00

Here we have the movie trailer for Easy A, starring Emma Stone and a collection of other young attractive people that apparently all go to the same school...

I have some issues with this movie that I'm going to address in - you guessed it - list format.

1) Thank God Emma Stone has finally gotten a leading role. I've had a thing for this chick since Superbad and now that Kellie Pickler decided to get engaged to some asshole who's trying really hard to look like Sting, I've been looking for a new muse.

Best. WTF. Ever.

2) Regarding Easy A, let's face it, the movie is just another derivative of Can't Buy Me Love, but this time sex is a major focal point. And I can respect that. And least that boner-biter Nick Cannon isn't in this one.

3) I don't like the literary connection to The Scarlett Letter because that book sucked major dick - just like Hester! Ohhhhh snap, Hawthorne, I just fucking roasted your whorish heroine.

4) Holy shit, it's Lowell from Wings!

5) Okay, here's where I get confused: Emma plays Olive, a girl who isn't popular and just kinda blends in or whatever. In the trailer, we're led to believe Marianne (played by Amanda Bynes and her increasingly large nose) is the popular girl. But then later in the trailer, it seems Marianne is an abstinent Bible-humper. Since when are the girls who don't put out the popular ones? Seems counter-intuitive.

6) I guess that's it. And now a picture of Emma Stone eye-fucking the shit out of me...

Now You Know

2010-05-29T18:05:00.000-04:00

In case you were wondering...

I'm worried about this BP oil crisis. Something like 152 MILLION gallons leaked so far. This is tragic. My biggest concern: will any of that gas ever find its way into my car?

And now you know.

P.S. Widgets are fun!

Finally, A Vehicle!

2010-05-25T20:25:00.000-04:00

Michael Showalter is funny. Simple as that. Luckily, your opinion doesn't mean shit, so if you happen to disagree, it doesn't matter. Some of you may remember him from Wet Hot American Summer, "The State", The Baxter, or the short-lived Comedy Central series "Stella". He runs with the typical David Wain crew: Paul Rudd, Elizabeth Banks, Ken Moreno, Michael Ian Black, and so on. Hell, even Bradley Cooper was in WHAM (the above-mentioned movie, not George Michael and Andrew Ridgeley's super awesome music duo).

Anyways, most of these people's careers are burgeoning to some degree or another, either through acting (Rudd/Banks/Cooper), directing (Wain), or writing (Moreno). However, it always seemed I rarely saw anything happen with Showalter.** Fret not, for the tools at College Humor gave him his own bit called "The Michael Showalter Showalter". Classic.

NOTE: This is very similar to Zach Galifianakis's "Between Two Ferns" which is also great, so be sure to check that out as well. I'm quite sure both of these series were developed specifically for people who want to slack off at work.

The Michael Showalter Showalter w/ Paul Rudd

The Michael Showalter Showalter w/ Zach Galifianakis

The Michael Showalter Showalter w/ Michael Cera

The Michael Showalter Showalter w/ Andy Samberg

The Michael Showalter Showalter w/ Jack McBrayer

The Michael Showalter Showalter w/ David Cross

The Michael Showalter Showalter w/ David Wain

The Michael Showalter Showalter w/ Mike Birbiglia

**Apparently, he and Michael Ian Black have a show now that's hilarious, but I haven't seen it. I don't have cable, eat me.

This Guy Is Single?!? Part 7

2010-05-18T02:50:00.000-04:00

On Hold

2010-04-07T22:27:00.000-04:00

As the three of you who read this blog regularly have probably noticed, I've been on a bit of a hiatus as of late. It happens, okay? Right now, I am currently busier than Barack Obama. That's right, I am busier than the President of the Motherfucking United States of Fucking America. I've seen pictures of that dude playing with his ugly ass dog. I don't even have time to play with ugly ass dogs right now. I am that busy.

So for now, if you are in dire need of some classic Calmer Than You Are, please frequent the archives, reread some of your favorites, or kindly go fuck yourself and learn to be patient.

In the meantime, stay tuned.

Links On The Left, Part 8

2010-01-29T19:05:00.000-05:00

Blair Morrison finished in 7th Place at the 2009 CrossFit Games. To those of you that don't know what this is, it's a pretty lofty accomplishment. CrossFit itself has it's flaws here and there and I readily admit that. Nevertheless, I stand by its basic principles. And the CrossFit Games are an effort to prove who is the best CrossFitter in the world, a feat they claim warrants the title of "Fittest Person On The Planet." You can argue against that nomenclature all you want, but to see these beasts go through the eight brutal events in person, it's hard to for me to dismiss it.

Blair is a graduate of Princeton University. He played football for the Tigers and is second all-time in receptions. For the past few years, he's been a personal trainer in Washington, DC. I've had the pleasure of working and discussing training with him for a while now. He's a good dude, but I give him endless shit for going to an Ivy League school. The tiniest of spelling or grammatical errors and it's "You went to Princeton, Blair?"

At the moment, Blair is studying in some genius program overseas. He'll be attending Leiden, the Sorbonne, and Oxford. In the meantime, he's trying to continue his fitness pursuits in a country not as well equipped in CrossFit as the states. FitQuest documents this endeavor. It's a sweet site for those interested in CrossFit, training ideas, and reading stuff written by people smarter than them.

By the way, Blair weighs 185lbs and snatches 100kg. Dude is a monster.

Funk Me Over Dat Copper Wire, Outta Sight? UPDATE

2010-01-20T22:18:00.000-05:00

I already wrote all of this in a mass email to a bunch of my friends and relatves. If you didn't get it, you're probably neither and might want to consider how shitty your life is without me in it...

As many of you are well aware, Saturday Night Live sucks. In recent years, it has produced little humor and equipped itself with talentless dipshits like Bobby Moynihan and Keenan Thompson. Similarly, the writing is absolute shit. Sketches go on too long, the premises are awful, the impersonations get progessively worse, and so on. Sure, there are a few bright spots (Andy Samberg's digital shorts, Fred Armisen's bit as Nicholas Fehn, and Bill Hader and Will Forte usually delivering the funny), but all in all, the quality has been god-awful for far too long.

Luckily, SNL has temporarily redeemed itself with a bit from the episode with Charles Barkley. For those of you unfamiliar with the MacGruber sketches, it's essentially a spin-off of MacGyver-like circumstances (if you're unfamiiar with MacGyver, then you probably suck and I hate you). They're usually the highlight of any SNL episode these days, but this particular series was so motherfucking funny I almost shit my pants... a second time.

Alright, enough of my blather, enjoy...

**UPDATE**

Naturally, embedding the video didn't work because NBC is a bunch of cunts. Seriously, fuck them. Have you seen how they're fucking Conan over in favor of the car-collecting bobblehead? Here's a direct link the above-referenced video. If you happen to meet an NBC executive in person, eat its fucking children.

Guidos In The Mist, Case Study A, Episde 6

2010-01-14T21:29:00.000-05:00

This is getting difficult. I'm wondering if I become more of an asshole with every viewing of The Jersey Shore - a dangerous possibility as my asshole level is typically sky-high anyways. Nevertheless, I can't seem to shake my adoration for this program. It's got everything: stupid catch-phrases, douchey cast members, alcohol, sex (well... attempts at), violence, and maybe a song or two playing in the background... ya know, because it's MUSIC television. Again, it's hard for me to keep up since I'm a fucking caveman and don't have cable, but I'm not fat so fuck all of you. Now, let us shift back into our in-depth analysis of this miraculous creature, the guido...

The Males:
Pauly D - Not much air time for Pauly D and henceforth, not a lot of douchebaggery to comment on. So, since I'm short on material, his hair is stupid. There, that feels better.

Mike "The Situation" - Yep, officially my favorite. Again, just as a necessary disclaimer, the dude is a total douche. I get that. But he's witty and funnier than all the other cast members. All the lines about those porch-fight wildebeests were priceless. You also have to admire his persistence when it comes to calling/creeping/sniping chicks. The best part? He still hasn't gotten laid. Just waiting for him and Snookler to do the deed. Gross. Like slapping two moist pieces of roast beef together.

Vinny - Thanks to Vinny's family (mainly his mom), the world can see what good true-blooded Italians are actually like. They're family-oriented, classy, nice, generous, and fun. At least I think so - I refuse to hang out with Italian people in general. Anyways, I hope Alyssa Milano saw this episode.

Ronnie - Sure, I'm sick of him, but you gotta give the roided up freak credit for utilizing his knees huring the boardwalk brawl. A lesser guido wouldn't have been so improvisational.

The Females:
Sammi "Sweetheart" - Whoaaaaa, did you see that reaction? Someone DEFINITELY used to get made fun of in school for her freak toe. Club-footed bitch shouldn't be so sensitive.

Nicole "Snooki" - "If one thing leads to another, I'm not gonna tell him to get off." Hilarious. Why? Because you know this chick gets rooted out nightly back in Albany. She hasn't been laid once during this whole season, so at this point she'd bang even if the dude's dick was wrapped in barbed wire.

Jenni "J-WOWW" - I was kinda hoping J-WOWW would get involved in that African safari fight on the porch. She's tall so she's got good reach. Endurance might be an issue because of all the Marlboros she puffs. Her biggest weakness is the long hair (extensions) and the all-too-fucking annoying habit of bitches pulling hair during fights. It's really goddamn obnoxious. Gina Carano wouldn't pull that shit and she's Italian, you weak-ass broads.

Angelina - Thinking about composing a formal letter to MTV requesting they remove this fugly whore from the opening credits. Patience is waning. I'm 90% positive that she's responsible for the earthquake in Haiti.

Interesting Things of Note:
1) Danny (the boss) was pretty funny/cool about Vinny totally punking him. He's still a bitch because he looks like Jack Skellington, but at least he's got a sense of humor about it.

2) GTL. I don't think I need to come up with something clever for this one, do you?

3) "I didn't leave you for a girl; I'd never leave you for a girl." I'm pretty sure that Ronnie just admitted he's gay.

4) As much as I enjoy The Situation, him comparing his advances towards women to the Navy SEALs is a little disingenuous. SEALs are quite possibly the baddest motherfuckers on the planet (besides me, of course) and you are a character on a reality TV show. C'mon man, it's apples and orange fuckheads.

5) Normally, it's hard to side with guidos when they make fun of people, but they've been entirely accurate thus far. The Origial Grenade and the new Grenade Launcher - awesome nicknames, by the way - were fucking gross and needed to be tossed aside. The garbage truck comments were classic, also. And then the douche that Ronnie mauled was... well, a douche.

6) Regarding the bald dude: Look guy, yes, the Jersey Shore cast is bunch of lame-ass guido tools, but some of them are jacked up on roids, man. Just because they're being followed around by a camera crew doesn't mean they won't fight you. Sure you're on TV now, but you're the guy who got beat up by mincing pansy Teardrop Ronnie. I'd rather be known as the guy who almost broke Snickers' jaw. Thanks, Brad Ferro - as if she didn't look enough like a Picasso painting (see the poof?).

7) Good God, I am sick of all the "problems" Ronnie and Sammie are having as a "couple." He gave her a little push because she wouldn't shut her fucking mouth and she acts like he threw her down a flight of stairs while she was eight months pregnant. They always blame each other and it always ends up with Ronnie apologizing/crying like a total puss.

Final Thought:
Tonight featured varying segments highlighting many aspects of guido culture, from both ends of the spectrum. We saw the family-oriented, respectful, and caring nature of Italian-Americans. I'm talking fresh-off-the-boat Italian-Americans. And then we saw the true animalistic nature of the fully Americanized, borderline retarded guido. Almost every episode we witness their aggressive, confrontational demeanor when threatened, attacked, or hilariously punched in the face. Alyssa Milano and all the other angry (Translate: Uppity, Whiney, Self-righteous) Italian-Americans out there frustrated with this show's portrayal of Italians really should look to Vinny's family as a ray of light on this skidmark of a television show. Meanwhile, they should stop fucking complaining and pose of Playboy already (what the fuck are you waiting for, Alyssa? You ain't getting any younger). Besides, it's a well documented fact that Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia is a huge fan of J-WOWW. He's been quoted as saying, "Man, I would gavel the shit out of those fun-bags! Fake? Fuck, if I care. I'm Scalia, bitch!" That may not be entirely accurate, but the dude's got nine fucking kids - you know he likes to get nasty.

Now You Know

2010-01-11T20:52:00.000-05:00

In case you were wondering...

I just worked an internet fraud case in which the item that was never paid for was a model of a fucking Imperial Walker. The offender used the name "Jamal Lewis" in email correspondence. Oh, and when the victim provided a picture of the guy who screwed him? Yeah, it was a picture of Ron Jaworski.

And now you know.

Guidos In The Mist, Case Study A, Episode 5

2010-01-08T22:07:00.000-05:00

Yes, I'm a week behind i.e. go fuck yourself. It took me a while to find a video of the New Year's Eve episode online. Anyways, happy holidays everyone. No, I'm just kidding, I hope your holidays sucked ass. Back to it...

The guido continues to demonstrate actual human behaviors: territoriality, companionship, and even anger when a fellow guido is attacked or threatened. Do not be swayed by MTV's attempts to humanize this species, however; they are still very much animals. In fact, it is insulting to animals to even compare them to guidos. Studies have shown that if you refer to an animal as a "cute little guido," that animal, despite its natural instinct for survival, will find a way to commit suicide. It's deeply saddening to watch an antelope shoot itself with a 12 gauge, but it happens. Yet another unfortunate consequence of allowing the modern-day guido to inhabit our otherwise peaceful ecosystem. Now let us assess our characters individually...

The Males:
Pauly D - "My hair's windproof, waterproof, soccer-proof, motorcyle-proof. I'm not sure if my hair's bullet-proof, but I'm not willing to try that." Please, please, please try that, Paulie. Please. And christ, if he says "Ones and twos" on more goddamn time, I'm gonna lose my shit.

Mike "The Situation" - The fucking most awesome dude ever at this point. Watches in amazement as Snooki gets a gorilla fist to the face, then after all of the craziness/cops/anger/yelling, he tries bringing some chick back to the house. ABC: Always Be Closing.

Vinny - Finally some air time for the tolerable one. Mildly enjoyable throughout the episode. Then he hooks up with some gap-toothed cougar that his 6'2" 130lbs boss took to dinner. Classic Vinny. Cue corny 50's music.

Ronnie - Getting really sick of this dude. We get it, bro, you're the muscled tough guy with the heart of gold. You'll smush chicks, beat up dudes, but you have a really soft, senstive side. Fuck off already. Go get neck-deep in Sammi's crap-bucket.

The Females:
Sammi "Sweetheart" - Cunt. Sure, The Situation was being a bit douchey by not picking up his plate, but for fuck's sake the dude cooked your broke-ass lobster and steak while you got a tan and took a nap. Bitch, you should be offering to do the dishes. Plus, you're a woman - know your role.

Nicole "Snooki" - The best part about her during this episode was how swole up her face was. It already looked like Yogi Berra's catcher's mitt, but during the whole episode it looked like it needed a shot of penicillin, too.

Like Mikey said in The Goonies...

"Guys, I think I have a match!"

Jenni "J-WOWW" - Getting increasingly less attractive. Before she was just a dumpster to... ya know, "put stuff" in, but now she's getting annoying. I guarantee she has a tattoo on her lower back that says, "Works best with little clothes in dark clubs with blinding strobe lights." Seriously, up close in the confessional she looks like a pre-op tranny.

Angelina - Still in the opening credits? The editors are lazy. No replacement that isn't a total bitch? The casting department is worthless. No replacement that isn't a bigger bitch? The producers are straight-up dumb. More conflict please. Hey, make Brad Ferro a housemate. I think he'd mesh well with everyone.

Interesting Things of Note:
1) Hahaha... Ronnie is so sympathetic for Snooki: "I look at her completely different now." Translation: Now that she got cracked in the face, I may consider actually paying attention to her. Probably not, though.

2) I love how Snooki acts like the second Ferro gets released from jail he's coming after her with a fucking axe. Dude was cock-ass hammered, punched her in the face, and will forever be known to the entire world as the dude that knuckle-pucked a bronze midget. Note: That's not a good thing.

3) "That's why I don't eat lobster because they're alive when you kill it." Uhhhh... pretty sure everything is alive when you kill it.

4) I don't like how they're trying to make The Situation out to be the bad guy regarding the snucker punch (you see what I did there?). In the last episode, it appeared he was buying the douchebags shots to settle the situation. Hahaha... the situation. Besides, ain't no way he's getting in any kind of scuffle - he's way too pretty. All form, no function.

5) What's with chicks putting their hand over their face when they're making out with dudes on camera? Is anyone really fooled by this? Is it really some great big mystery what's happening behind her hand? "Oh man, I wonder what they're doing under there? Probably an in-depth discussion on the reunification of Germany. Guidos love Otto von Bismarck."

6) What a bunch of hypocritcal horseshit from MTV. We see a clip of J-WOWW getting into a fight. Next episode we'll be seeing a clip of Snookster and an albino rhino throwdown. And we'll also be seeing Ronnie throw blows on the boardwalk. And yet, despite all of this, we can't see Snooki get clubbed like a baby seal in Episode 4? We're all fucking adults here, right? Let me see that bitch get MASHED.

Final Thought:
It is very interesting to see our subjects come together after the tragic incident regarding Snikester. Again, it is incorrect to assume these creatures are human, but it is an understandable error. They exhibit many traits similar to that of a human being, but lack others. Most notably: souls, internal organs, logic, fashion sense, self-respect, and a healthy dose of humility. Unfortunately, they can still reproduce, but it's very likely that Congress has a bill in the works outlawing this practice. Keep your fingers crossed. Nevertheless, it is interesting to see the loyalty and kinship displayed among our subjects. Perhaps guidos are, in fact, a caring and altruistic species. I mean, all it took for them to accept Snooki was her getting brutally blasted in the face (not in the good way).

Lyrics Translated

2010-01-02T06:37:00.000-05:00

"Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got, I'm still Jenny from the block." -J.Lo

"Please kind people, do not be mislead or misinformed or downright deceived by the bounties of my riches and elevated social status, I am still Jennifer Lynn Lopez, originally hailing from the South Bronx. And I'm married to Skeletor."

"All you need is love." -The Beatles

"Don't think, just fuck. And I guess hug occasionally, but that's just so Ringo doesn't feel left out."

"I've got soul but I'm not a soldier." -The Killers

"While I am quite confident in my ability to compose a catchy tune of love, loss, and the human spirit, I am dually confident that if placed on the field of battle, someone will bayonet the shit out of my candy ass."

"The best rapper alive!" -Jay-Z

"I have realized since the death of 2Pac and Biggie, that the more I emphatically shout this expression, the more people tend to believe that it is true, when in fact, it is not."

"I got a feeling... that tonight's gonna be a good night." -The Black-Eyed Peas

"We no longer have good ideas and are pretty much just phoning it in. We have officially decided that instead of writing decent music, we will no longer put any effort into anything. We are confident that we can still profit with this strategem in large part to stupidity of the American music listener. We, the Black-Eyed Peas, have decided to half-ass everything we do from this moment on and continue to make millions upon millions of dollars in spite of it. Our winning formula? Fergie in tight outfits to hide her lack of talent, wil.i.am in stupid hats, and a man-woman creature dancing awkwardly on stage."

"If I was invisible..." -Clay Aiken

"For some reason, I have not fallen victim to a hate-crime yet. Hooray!"

"Is it worth it? Let me work it. I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it." -Missy Elliot

"Mmmmm... cake."

A Real Comedian

2009-12-24T21:30:00.000-05:00

If you're not familiar with Louis CK, then you suck. There are a lot of good comedians out there (Daniel Tosh, Demetri Martin, Zach Galifianakis, Anthony Jeselnick, etc), but there's also a lot of god-awful shitty terrible comedians out there (Carlos Mencia). Then there's Dane Cook, who I'll admit has some funny stuff here and there, but overall, needs to cut back on the high-pitch noises and over-the-top theatrics. But in the below video, Louis CK proves a comedian can be funny and poignant at the same time...

Everything's Amazing & Nobody's Happy

Unfortunately, I can't embed any youtube copies of it, but luckily, it's still available to watch. Probably because it's so awesome. I'm not one for cheerful, trite, bullshit messages of happiness and love and horseshit, but take a cue from this guy and cheer the fuck up this holiday season!

Guidos In The Mist, Case Study A, Episode 4

2009-12-21T06:13:00.000-05:00

Thank God for DailyMotion. It's like youtube, just without the anti-Semitism. So I was lucky enough to watch this past Thursday's episode. There truly was a wide assortment of fascinating interactions that occurred among our subjects. Romance, intrigue, violence, betrayal, and drunkenly searching for condoms.

A majestic creature, the guido. Day after day, it astounds the viewer with its grace and beauty, frolicing from club to club, grinding vivaciously against one of its sweaty counterparts. The guido seems to float through the world without a care, like an apparition with too much bronzer on. So far, documenting the guido in its natural habitat has been taxing, but vastly enlightening on many levels.

Let's get back to our individual assessments...

The Males:
Pauly D - Like most of the guys, he still talks a ridiculous game. And yes, he seems to bring a lot of chicks back to the house with him. But still, he hasn't dipped his wick. It does seem like he and Mike will get into a hilarious amount of antics, though. I also enjoy how he acts as though he coined the term "Fresh To Death."

Mike "The Situation" - "I'm like chill out, Freckles McGee." It's official, this guy is the fucking man. I've said a lot of shitty things about him, and sure, he's a major doucher, but that line was priceless. That's the kind of nickname I would have given that girl.

Vinny - Again, barely any airplay for this kid. Poor bastard. How will he be expected to craft his own reality spin-off?

Ronnie - Wow... despite all the muscles (steroids), beneath Ronnie's tough exterior, there's a truly deep and sensitive young man that really just wants to find someone to love and hold and comfort and cry with. Jesus... what a fucking pussy.

The Females:
Sammi "Sweetheart" - Go figure, the girl I predicted wouldn't bang ends up getting plowed on the fourth episode, before all of her seemingly whorier roommates. Just goes to show, you can't predict the sexual behavior of any woman, mostly because they're all whores.

Nicole "Snooki" - I hope I'm not the only one who can see through MTV's bullshit. Here's how it works: 1) Show the Snukester in a positive light i.e. spending a day with her mother on the Shore, 2) Remind the audience she's a human (debatable), 3) Demonstrate she has been accepted by her peers, and finally 4) Punch her in the face. Now, I'm a dick if I don't feel bad for her.

Jenni "J-WOWW" - Really, J-WOWW talks about how in love she is with her boyfriend, but she also says that she's insane if she's single. What do you think would be better for the ratings, J-WOWW? Dump that douche and starting boning your way across Seaside, girl! But for God's sake, don't EVER be on camera without your make-up properly applied.

Angelina - Why is this dumptruck of a broad still featured on the opening credits? I have a feeling this bitch menstruates 32 days a month.

Interesting Things of Note:
1) Sammi and Ronnie finally banged. Nice use of the fireworks, MTV. I bet she was boring, though. "Bit of a dead fish, right? I mean, she just laid there and took it like a plastic fuck-doll." -Beerfest.

2) The dudes gym routine was pathetic, as expected. I'm sure they did more, but all that was documented was A) The Elliptical, B) Bosu Ball Medicine Ball Sit-ups, and C) A Kick To A Punching Bag. I heard on Conan that "The Situation" might have his own workout video or something in the future. I'll bet a million dollars he doesn't have deadlifts in there.

3) "It was house music; we were all battling." I actually checked and it turns out that white people still aren't allowed to use that word.

4) Snooki's never-ending issues with the duck phone provide nonstop entertainment.

5) I began this endeavor to make fun of guidos and bask in the outlandishness of this show. At first, I committed to this against my better judgment, worrying what would become of my sanity. Now, I'm worried. Nay, terrified. Because I think I might actually like this show.

6) Christ, even the barbers on the Jersey Shore are douchebags.

7) Last installment, I was excited for Snookie to get punched in the face. Don't get me wrong, I still found it entertaining as hell, but upon viewing the surrounding circumstances of the incident, I'll admit even I feel a little bad for her. Brad Ferro and his friends were major tools. So much so that they made the Jersey Shore cast seem almost tolerable. Sure, Snooki is annoying/ugly/stupid/pathetic, but if she's gonna get blasted in the face (haha), you'd rather it be done by some triumphant badass like Brad Pitt in Troy. Or at least let Barack Obama crack her in the mouth. That might stimulate the economy.

Final Thought:

The focal point of this particular facet of the experiment, aside from the Snooki snuff-fest, was male guidos and their interactions with females, or guidettes (that is the last time I will ever write or say that fucking word). What is most notable regarding these interactions is that some women actually find these guido guys attractive. It's mind-boggling, for sure. The average male watches ass-puppets like Paulie and Mike bring women home constantly and simply cannot fathom it. Upon keen observations, it boils down to one distinctive trait most guidos possess: Confidence. Dismally, the archetypal guido's level of confidence is rarely healthy. They often times boil over into pure cockiness, while the more extreme cases reach heights of fanatical megolomania. But many women are too dumb to see the differences.

Still, we must believe that perhaps the average woman does not find the guido appealing. Perhaps the women constantly flirting or hooking up with our beloved cast members are just your everyday, average, depressed, sad, lonely, pathetic, insecure semen dumpsters with daddy issues. If that is the case, then the average guy can sleep easy, knowing that all it really takes to get laid is a little hair gel, a little tan, and a tiny penis.

Essential Personnel

2009-12-19T02:20:00.001-05:00

Have you ever heard the expression "essential personnel"? Sure you have. Or you haven't. It's 50/50 probably. It's a pretty easy term to decipher. It is basically an employee that is required to report to his or her office regardless of circumstance. Obviously, medical emergencies or a death in the family offer the occasional loop-hole, but generally speaking, no matter what happens you have to go to work. Believe it or not, I'm essential personnel, which totally sucks gorilla balls.

I arrived at work Friday night around 9PM; it began snowing at roughly 11PM. Forecasts predicted it would continue to snow for the next two fucking days or some awful ungodly bullshit. Weather experts predicted between 12-20 inches. Assholes. I left work Saturday morning at 7:30AM. The roads, as expected, were shitty.

In all honestly, this doesn't bother me too much. At first. You see, I'm originally from Connecticut so I'm obviously a straight-up gangster, but I'm also no stranger to driving in treacherous weather. In fact, I've developed a full-proof system for safe driving during nearly every situation...

1) Don't drive too fast.
2) Don't drive too slow.
3) Don't follow too close.
4) Don't slam on your brakes.
5) Don't cut your wheel too hard.
6) Yes, 4-wheel-drive means your vehicle can accelerate faster during inclement weather, but it sure as shit won't stop any quicker.
7) Exercise some common sense and don't be a fuckhead.

It's literally full-proof. So anyways, using this system and my sexy 2009 Toyota Camry, I didn't have much trouble driving home. I also live like 10 blocks away, so again, it's no problem. My car also sits in a garage while I'm at work so it was pristine and beautiful and dry and black when I parked it in front of my apartment. Roughly twelve hours later I slogged through the snow to find my car...

Son of a cunt.

So while all of you sat at home drinking cocoa and cranking one off to A Muppet Christmas Carol, I spent an hour clearing over a foot of snow off my car. Why? Because I had to go into fucking work. It's bad enough I've had to work every Saturday night for the past two years, but now I have to deal with this shit too. And of course while I'm shoveling, a drunk-ass Mexican dude comes up to me and asks for a ride home. Here's a tip: Don't get shit-faced during a blizzard, Hefe.

One cunting hour later.

Luckily, I'm a fucking heathen and made short work of God's white poop, unlike you pussies who would've just called in sick or gone sledding with your faggy children. And now, I'm at work for the next ten hours, probably burning myself.

Happy Holidays, Fuckers!

Guidos In The Mist, Case Study A, Episode 3

2009-12-17T04:27:00.000-05:00

Well fuck me all to hell. I watched Episode 3 last week and got some good information on our test subjects. I come into work this week and apparently I need a Flash Player update. Well, MTV, the United States fucking government doesn't look too kindly on Flash Player updates. So now, I can't re-watch Episode 3 to be more insightful and funny and entertaining and hip and all that other shit. What's more is that I fear I won't be able to watch the newer episodes as the season progresses. How will I survive without the arrogance and stupidity of my beloved guidos? How will I be able to live with my own pathetic existence if I can't constantly compare it to the cast of anus puss on that show? Something must be done. I don't know what yet, but by God, I'll figure something out.

Okay, on Episode 3 some girl named Angelica or Anglican or something got kicked off for being a rabid cunt. J-WOWW got dumped by her boyfriend in simply awesome fashion - Click. Dial Tone. Dumped. More jealousy and angst brews in the Tanned Triangle or whatever MTV is calling it. And Snooki experiences what appears to be a seizure in a bar. No one seems to notice.

Now, onto individual specimen analysis...

The Males:
Pauly D - He put charcoal on a gas grill. I really don't think anything else needs to be said.

Mike "The Situation" - Jealous and insecure yet vainly trying to seem confident and awesome. The more I watch this guy talk into the camera, the more and more he looks like a 40 year-old dude. His awkward laugh during the Snooki/Ryder display was pretty goddamn funny, though. Really not sure why him or Ronnie give a shit about Sammi. I suppose because she's the least likely you'd find blowing a hobo in a dumpster behind the local Sonic.

Vinny - Didn't get a lot of coverage in this episode. It's probably because, out of the entire group, he's the most normal of anybody. He's not banging anyone in the house, he doesn't have a boyfriend/girlfriend back home, and he doesn't have a stupid fucking nickname for his abs.

Ronnie - Sure, he's a juiced up freak, but he's growing on me a little bit. Like a rash. He makes fun of everyone and in Episode 2 he quoted "Knocked Up" in reference to pink-eye. But until he throws it in Sammi, he's still pretty average and boring.

The Females:
Sammi "Sweetheart" - So far, not plowed. Prediction in tact. Oh Ronnie and her had sex? Really? Are you sure? I bet they just "talked all night." No way Sammi would give it up that soon. She's classy. C'mon, her nickname is "Sweetheart"!

Nicole "Snooki" - "I fuckin' killed it on the dance floor." Something defintely died during that display. Probably every erection ever.

Jenni "J-WOWW" - This chick is so trashy, her bombs are crazy fake, and no matter what time of day, she sounds like she's been puffing Marlboros since birth. And yet, I can't get enough of her. This is the kind of broad Tiger Woods would bang on the side.

Angelina - Is she still on the show? Oh, she left? Huh... didn't even notice. Hope she crashed her car on the way back to Yawn City.

Interesting Things of Note:
1) Christ, guidos start holding hands very quickly. Like after one date. I would never hold my girlfriend's hand and we dated for months. Of course, that's probably because her hands always smelled like other guy's dicks.

2) Hmmm... so MTV has a bunch of reality shows and they're always sure to leave cameras in the bedroom. Naturally, they never show any of the intercourse, which is understandable. But whoever edits together every episode sure as shit sees it. And I can't decide if that's more of a punishment than a luxury, watching drunken sweaty guidos bang each other out.

3) Hahhaahhaha... at the end, when Ronnie gets back from the club all pissed about Sammi giving her number out, he walks into the house with his shirt already off and I'm ready to see him start punching and breaking shit. Instead, he lies face-down on his bed and sulks like a little bitch. Thank you, MTV. This shit is solid gold.

4) I love how the club they frequent is called Karma. Maybe the creation of this show is God's way of getting back at me for all the deplorable shit I've done. Well played, Big Guy.

5) "Honestly, like, I'm sick. When you're sick, like, honestly..." That sentence was almost a palindrome.

6) God does exist: The Jersey Shore Nickname Generator. Mine is "Bones."

7) Man, someone sure should punch Snooki in the face...

Final Thought:
Unfortunately, MTV is pulling this clip from next week's episode...

Snooki Knocked Out on Jersey Shore REMIX - Watch more Funny Videos

Such a shame that it's getting pulled. I'm not condoning violence against women by any means. Violence against women is a shameful and disgusting thing. Violence against hobbits, however - guido hobbits at that - is just plain fun. It doesn't seem that we can watch it in High Quality, but I think we all can agree it already is high quality! Oh yeah - high five for that joke!

FYI: I've had like seven different videos posted while drafting this post. One by one they become dead links because youtube and MTV and Viacom are pussies. There was a really awesome one with a Lil' John song remix, too. Thank God for Break.com. Huffington Post, a website this terrorist that I know reads, also has the actual clip here (for now).

Guidos In The Mist - Case Study A, Episode 2

2009-12-16T02:57:00.000-05:00

In Episode 2 of our extensive case study on the behavioral patterns of the modern-day guido, we are shown a deeper view into this fascinating creature's lifestyle. Well, not really. It's pretty much the exact same shit we saw in the last episode.

Also, for the record, my posts will not be up to date with each episode because A) I don't have cable, B) I barely watch TV, C) I have to watch each 40 minute episode at work, and D) Gathering my almost innumerable case notes and recording them here in a readable fashion for the layperson is tough work. Take it or leave it. Now, individual assessment for specimen during Episode 2...

The Males:
Pauly D - Naturally, after a swift (and cheap) punch to some guy's face, Pauly D acts like he's King Leonidas in 300. I am surprised he didn't punch the guy and immediately sprint off in the other direction. The punch itself looked like a graze at best, but of course, to hear him or his boys tell it, the guy's head is hanging off his neck like a fucking Pez dispenser.

Mike "The Situation" - His narcissism was really on point this episode. Sky-rocketing through the roof. Dude, seriously, give it up with the abs already. "It's not a matter of if Sammi and I are gonna hook up, it's when I decide." And then she hooks up with Ronnie. What do we call that, people? Poetry.

Vinny - Jokingly dances with fat chicks, gets pink eye, and seems to genuinely feel bad about missing his shift at work. I'm liking this guy more and more each episode. DISCLAIMER: He is still a tool.

Ronnie - Awwwww shit, sweeping in and taking Sammi for himself! Bold move, Hairless-Gorilla-Man. Not like "The Situation" is going to do anything, but it did provide ample drama to an otherwise boring episode.

The Females:
Sammi "Sweetheart" - Oh yeah, play with their emotions, string 'em along, screw somebody over, remain cute and innocent. The worst part about Sammi is despite all of the awesome drama she will definitely provide, I guarantee she doesn't get plowed by anyone for the whole season. Weak.

Nicole "Snooki" - The Snukester has trouble pulling ass at the club. Really? How can you not find a dude to fuck you? You're surrounded by a bunch of greaseballs who just want sex. And you manage to bring home a dude that yacks all over your deck? Holy Schnikies, Snooksty Snikester!

Jenni "J-WOWW" - "I will not cheat on my boyfriend." "I think I just cheated on my boyfriend." Hahaha. Did anyone not see this coming?

Angelina - Lazy. Cock-block. A self-righteous bitch. What would a "reality" series be if we didn't have one of these? You all remember Coral, right? Although, I might give Coral a pass because I forgot how monstrous her jugs were. Speaking of which, now that her reality TV run is over, has Coral gotten a fucking job yet? Like a real job that doesn't involve other washed-up reality personalities or cameras or stupid fucking challenges? Man, talk about milking it for all it's worth. Hahaha. Jugs. Milking it. Oh wait, I'm supposed to be talking about Angelina. Ya see? It just proves my point from the last post: totally forgettable.

Interesting Things of Note:
1) The production talent MTV has is absolutely top-notch. Using romantic music when Sammi and Mike are making out and then depressing shit when Mike is "heartbroken." Like the audience has somehow forgot that these cretins aren't even real human beings.

2) That is the perfect store for them to work at. It's one of the lamest aspects of any beach vacation destination. Just like the cast of Jersey Shore.

3) This will likely be a recurring theme, but do you think all of the hoodrats the guys bring home are interested or they just want to be on TV? In either case, they're still hoodrats, God bless 'em.

4) Another theme I definitely predict will continue: Every single girl one of the guys brings home will be labeled a "slut" or "whore" by the girls that live in the house. It's science.

5) Other recurring themes to look out for: hair gel, hairspray, tight clothes, no clothes, vomit, excessive alcohol consumption, bad dancing, fist pumping, kissing, grinding, kissing, grinding, that goddamn hot tub, skanks, sluts, whores, breasts, abs, tans, tattoos, J-Lo sunglasses (on dudes), little scuffles or shouting matches i.e. no real fights, more calls to home on the duck phone, Ron-Ron Juice, venereal diseases, stupid slogans on cheap t-shirts, crying, fighting, yelling, some sex, some failed attempts at sex, cockblocking, shots, HAM, and a whole lot of *bleeping*.

Final Thought:
Is the guido capable of romantic emotion? Upon observing the jealous behavior of Mike, it would appear so, but don't be fooled. While it may seem that his heart was broken, it is worth noting that guidos don't actually have organs. Or souls. Countless studies have shown that guidos have actually been known to sustain themselves with the tears of people who cry during The Biggest Loser. In other studies, it appears the guido's main source of nourishment is Antoine Walker replays. It's been said that the visual stimulation of witnessting Antoine's fat, lazy ass awkwardly trudge down the basketball court is enough to trigger the raging libido of the guido species. That, and of course, vodka.

Now You Know

2009-12-15T16:38:00.000-05:00

In case you were wondering...

Whenever I kill a bug, I typically don't clean up the remains. I leave them sitting there for a while to serve as a warning to all of the other bugs. Just like Vlad The Impaler, bitches!

And now you know.

Guidos In The Mist - Case Study A, Episode 1

2009-12-13T03:09:00.000-05:00

One thing is certain: MTV has a pretty standard formula. One huge (undeserved) house occupied by eight slutty egomaniacs, filled with an abundant amount of alcohol, a cakewalk job, condoms (hopefully), and a camera crew. Boom. Hit TV series. "The Jersey Shore" is basically "The Real World" but with less imaginative characters. Luckily, I know some of the casting directors from MTV and they forwarded me the outline for casting standards for both shows. Check it out...

So what we have here is an absolutely obscene collection of egos cluttered into an amazing house with all sorts of tacky shit on the walls. These egos, amazingly, are exponentially more potent and volatile than any ever found on The Real World. Henceforth, the results will be pure madness. MTV provides cast member bios here. But naturally, their shit is trite. Here is my official breakdown of each cast member after watching the series premiere...

The Males:
Pauly D - Gross. The quintessential guido. And fuck, I hate seeing my name so close to that word.

Mike "The Situation" - I did like his initial reaction to Snuki's drunken antics, but the dude is in love with his abs. Abs are old news.

Vinny - So far, the best one. By all accounts, a tool, but in comparison to the rest, mildly tolerable.

Ronnie - This dude just won't put a shirt on. It's common knowledge man, everyone already knows: Roids get Results.

The Females:
Sammi "Sweetheart" - Oh, I'm so excited for the romance between Sweetheart and The Situation to develop! Can we just call it "The Sweetheart's Situation" and get it over with? So adorable. And disgusting.

Nicole "Snooki" - An absolute trainwreck. Girl weights 92lbs, walks in, starts taking shots, cries, then tries fucking every guy in the hot tub. This is why people watch television. She may also be a paranoid schizophrenic.

Jenni "J-WOWW" - Tits. I'm sorry, what was I talking about?

Angelina - I don't even know which broad this is. Completely forgettable. She's the mayor of Yawn City. Screw that, people know the mayor. She's the Assistant to the Temporary Director of the Counsel on Appropriations. Or something.

Interesting Things of Note:
1) Everyone but Mike and Angelina have names that end with an "ee" sound. That shit is EERIE.

2) From what I can tell, not a single one is actually from New Jersey. That poor state. And still, I refer to these kinds of people as "Jersey trash." An unfair stereotyping? Yes. But at this point, you'd think Jersey would have created their own Border Patrol to keep these people out.

"Negative... not a guido, just a Mexican. Let him in..."

3) Bulimics should just watch this show. They'll have an appropriate stimulus for regurgitation that won't make their fingers stink. Not that I condone bulimia. Or any eating disorder. The show sucks is basically what I'm getting at. Oh, fuck off.

4) I love how everyone calls Snooki "Snickers" or “Snukes” or some completely incorrect derivative. Ha!

Final Thought:
One of the most essential things to understand, yet oft overlooked, is that despite how reprehensible, scummy, and utterly worthless the guido can be, he/she still thinks he/she is relevant. It's a fascinating phenomena. Worse yet, we - the normal people - enable this behavior by creating and watching programs such as this. Thusly, we perpetuate the need for their existence, as despicable as said existence may be. The worse they become, the more spellbound we are. A remarkable paradox, to be sure. So, yes, guido, you may actually be relevant, but more so in the way a car accident or school shooting is relevant. We know it's disgusting and horrid and tragic... and yet, we cannot look away. So shine on, you tan-as-fuck star!

Not Now, Chief... I'm In The Fuckin' Zone

2009-12-11T23:33:00.000-05:00

It's been talked about ad nauseum already I'm sure, but alas, even I have to devote a little time to it. The new Jersey Shore show on MTV (can we please stop calling it MTV now? For fuck's sake, I can't remember the last time an actual MUSIC video was played for more than 30 seconds. Isn't every show a reality show now anyways?). It premiered not long ago and, to be totally honest, I'm a little sad I missed it.

At this point, it's obvious to even the casual reader of CTYA that I have a lot of "dislikes" so to speak. I also have a lot of "Fucking Loathes" as well. I dislike stubbing my toe, people named Travis, getting stuck in traffic, prick cops, and most of my coworkers. I fucking loathe cab drivers, homeless people, Kevin Leam, know-it-alls, women who don't swallow, Steve Jobs, and liberal hippie pigs. I take that back. I only dislike women who don't swallow. I really appreciate them putting my dick in their mouth. But one thing in particular has always had a special place in my hateful heart: scummy, greasy, lame-ass guidos.

They've been mocked and disparaged for years now, so I won't go too deep into it. Here are some basic characteristics of the typical guido:

1) Tan i.e. way too tan
2) Lip gloss
3) Tight shirts, typically the Ed Hardy variety
4) Expensive clothing, automobiles, jewelry... likely living in a shithole
5) "Blow-out" style haircuts. Ew.
6) Steroids
7) Stupid tattoos.
8) Big sunglasses, preferably worn indoors
9) Fist-pumping
10) Drinking
11) Bad dancing
12) A level of cockiness unbeknownst to even Lex Luger.
13) With said narcissism, an absurd level of insecurity as well

Note: Not every guido exhibits these traits, but they're the most common. Here are some facts that most people do not know about the guido...

Unfortunately, the guido is immune to fashion sense, self-respect, logic, and snake venom. Guidos are also prone to perfectly rational reactions to crises. Even more unfortunate, the guido thrives off the negative energy of normal human beings. In other words, the more one hates the guido, the harder the guido's fist will pump to Lucas Prata. This Catch-22 situation presents quite the conundrum for us normal folk. Obviously, it's impossible to like the guido, and therefore, it's doubly impossible to not hate the living shit out of them. For this very reason, MTV has decided to devote an entire reality series to this rare species (let's be fair, the last thing the guido has a grasp on is reality).

MTV almost certainly chose to do this after the feedback from Jersey Tommy's escapades:
True Life: I Have A Summer Share: Part 1, Part 2, & Part 3.

And now, MTV has developed one of its patented reality series documenting the guido in its natural habitat: a dimly lit, sweaty club in Seaside Heights, New Jersey. Or the beach, apparently.

In lieu of this inauspicious moment in television history, I have decided to sacrifice myself for the greater good. Initially, I planned on doing one quick post on how much hippo cock these guys blow, but now, with the severity and absurdity of the series no longer foreign to me, I feel it is my duty to devote some time to this abortion of humanity. Like Jane Goodall entrenching herself in the savannahs of Africa to study the secluded mountain gorilla, I will be immersing myself in this show with a view to provide insight and feedback about the guido and its lifestyle.

This case study will be aptly titled Guidos In The Mist. Please pray for me as I partake in this risky and dangerous endeavor. My only hope is that I can impart some knowledge to my faithful readers... and not kill anyone in the process.

GUIDOS IN THE MIST COMING SOON!

For Fuck's Sake...

2009-12-05T00:36:00.000-05:00

Sorry, I just have to get this out real quick. This whole global warming theory being shattered is hilarious. I bet Ed Begley Jr. feels like a real asshole right about now. Al Gore is fleeing the country with his Oscar in hand. And now Prius owners can only be pretentious about how awesome their gas mileage is. Nevertheless, despite how totally fucking rad this whole thing is, it finds a way to piss me off. For some reason, the word "gate" has turned into a fucking suffix for any scandal the media gets their hands on. I'd go on, but the brilliant minds at FireJoeMorgan had a better excerpt for it...

For the record, you can't just add "Gate" to something to indicate "scandal." The hotel, as we all know, was the Watergate. It wasn't like there was a like Nixonian/"Chinatown" water scandal, and someone said, "Hey -- 'gate' is the LME root for 'cover-up.' Let's call it Water-gate."

Is the Tiger Woods story being called "Tiger-Gate"? Did they add "gate" to the Bernie Madoff thing? The ACORN thing? Or the thing where that woman's dad banged her? I bet they wanted to.

Oh, here we go. Thanks, Wikipedia! Christ, they're doing it in the UK now, too. Bollocks.

First SpyGate, now Climate-Gate, and seriously, look how fucking long that list is. Are journalists just lazy nowadays or do they really think the word "gate" is synonymous with foulplay? I mean, to become a journalist you probably have to have at least a minor comprehension of the English language, right? Jess, am I wrong on this?

Why I Don't Twitter

2009-11-27T06:48:00.000-05:00

I feel lame enough for reactivating my Facebook account, and even worse, actually using it, but Twitter is something I will never do. Why? Because this is the kind of shit I would probably "tweet" about...

-Man, this is biggest York Peppermint Pattie I've ever had!

-Still having nightmares where Space Ghost molests me. Hate waking up feeling ashamed.

-wRiTiNg iN diFFeReNT siZe leTtErs tOTalLy RoCKs DUdes!!

-Webbed feet? Sure, you can't wear flip-flops, but I bet you could swim like fuckin' Aquaman

-12 total hours of driving, over 700 cumulative miles, and my EZ-Pass comes in the mail the day i get home. sweet.

-i dont wanna make light of a tragedy, but it prolly sucks balls if your bday is on 9/11

-Julie Foudy is SO much hotter these days

-that whole thing about asparagus is true... i'm not sure about the pineapple thing, but i'm definitely not testing it

-Why the fuck does Gargamel hate the Smurfs so much?

And yes, I realize most of these are way too long to even fit on Twitter, which is another reason I don't use the goddamn thing. I gotta lot to say, bitches.

Norm MacDonald Rules

2009-11-18T00:18:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I've really got nothing of substance to say. But below you'll find a clip from an old episode of Conan O'Brien. It's pretty popular, mainly because Norm MacDonald completely takes over an interview with Courtney Thorne-Smith and runs it straight to Funny Town!

Tim McCarver Sucks baseBalls

2009-11-08T22:13:00.000-05:00

Now that the World Series is over and the greatest franchise in sports history finally got #27, I figure I will take a little time to reflect on the entire experience. Mainly on how god-awful Tim McCarver is at everything...

Here's an email I sent to my brother during Game 3...

Could someone please explain to me why the fuck Tim McCarver is talking about how good Brett Myers is at bowling right now?

"This is one game where you can throw a gutterball and still get a strike."

This guy has won THREE fucking Emmy Awards.

Matsui just hit a homerun. Got any quips for that, Tim?

I'm seriously waiting for him to say, "It looks like that was a seven-ten split finger!"

My brother's response...

The other night he said "if the ball is hit down the right field line, it really isn't the left fielder's responsibility". Tim, no way! I learned that in little league, but thanks for the refresher. Good thing I didn't play left field, i would have been running all over the place.
____________________________________________________________

During Game 6, Katie told me about this anecdote I missed from a few nights prior. It's in its original gchat format...

Katie: so matsui's contract is up at the end of the season
and timmy said that it wouldnt be right for him to play for any other american team ...unless it was the mariners
so he could play with ichiro
its like he wants to build an internment camp in seattle
____________________________________________________________

Most baseball enthusiasts are well aware of how terrible he and Joe Buck are. It's utterly abysmal. Hell, there's a site dedicated to his stupidity: http://www.shutuptimmccarver.com. It appears it doesn't get updated anymore, most likely due to a crash of the webmaster's email server from roughly 21,463,150,990 submissions per baseball season. Here's some old snippets from the guys (I should say geniuses) at Fire Joe Morgan...

I'm currently watching Game One of the Series on like an hour TiVo delay, and Tim McCarver, after Shane Victorino almost got picked off second, said something like, "You've probably heard that you should never make the first or third out at third base, but in this case, you should never make the first out at second base."

What he could have said: "You shouldn't get picked off in a [fucking] World Series game."
____________________________________________________________

"He helps the team when he's not hitting. He saves over 100 runs per season with his glove."

Fielding stats are generally kind of iffy, but in response to this, I say:

No.

No he does not.
____________________________________________________________

Tim McCarver, after a Carlos Delgado RBI double to put the Mets up 7-2 over the Yankees:

"The carousel continues, here at Shea Park. It's like a park."

Problems:

1. It's called Shea Stadium.
2. What?
____________________________________________________________

A lot of funny/sad McCarver moments last night. There was the time he asserted confidently that Josh Beckett had retired six batters in a row -- no, wait, it's been ten. Apologies, it was nine. Very soon after that, he talked about how impressed he was about Beckett's low pitch count even with his high strikeout total -- 63 pitches! No, wait, it's 73 (the graphic had just appeared on screen -- and by the time he corrected himself, hey, it was 74 already). There was the seemingly endless digression on the impressiveness of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, all during a close ALCS elimination game.

But perhaps nothing encapsulates the inanity of the broadcast more than the keys to the game:

RED SOX: WIN OR SEE YOU IN FORT MYERS

INDIANS: FINISH THE JOB... NO TRIP BACK TO BOSTON

You see, baseball laypeople, take it from me, Tim McCarver, a baseball expert: the key to winning the game is to win the game. Here is my reasoning: I will tell you the cities to which these teams will travel if they do not win the game.

I really wish McCarver did weekly Internet chats.
____________________________________________________________

In today's Sox-O's game, Tim McCarver mentioned that Bellhorn walks or strikes out 46.2% of the time. Yes, he mentioned the two-tenths of one percent.

He went on to say, "On-base percentage? How about contact percentage?!"

And then a great line: "I only care about on-base percentage if you can run. If you can't run, I could care less about on-base percentage."

I think we can extrapolate from that statement that if Tim McCarver were managing a player like David Ortiz, he would recommend that David just make an out every time he comes up.
____________________________________________________________

And lastly, here is a post from Bill Simmons a while back. It's on the ShutUpTimMcCarver site, but I felt it necessary to post it here...

The McCarver/Buck exchange right before Podsednik's walkoff homer Sunday night, which definitely goes down in the pantheon of Eerie Broadcaster Moments. Buck said something like "Do you think Lidge still has the taste of that Pujols homer in his mouth?" -- quickly followed by McCarver saying, "I don't think that taste is there." Within like 0.000000000045 seconds, Podsednik was slamming the game-winner. I don't think everyone else combined in the history of sports broadcasting has jinxed as many pitchers as Buck and McCarver over the last few years. It's unreal. The 1965 version of Sandy Koufax couldn't pitch a no-hitter against the team from "A League of Their Own" with Buck and McCarver announcing.

27.

2009-11-05T00:14:00.000-05:00

FINALLY... Chase Utley can wash his fucking hair.

Papa Schmidt

2009-10-30T21:44:00.000-04:00

So I'm meeting my friend Katie's father this weekend. It's pretty much inevitable that Katie and I are going to bang, she'll fall in love with me, and then fake a pregnancy so we end up getting married. I've got no problems with her deception, and really, it's a solid gameplan. I'm quite a catch, after all. But if I'm meeting my future father-in-law in a few days, I need to make a good impression. So what should I say to him? Here's a list of potential ice-breakers:

1) "Hey, it's great to finally meet you. Don't let my mutton chops fool you, I've been pulling WAY out."

2) "Well, now I see where Katie gets her firm grip and good looks from, you handsome devil you!"

3) "Hi, I'm Q. I have an awful government job, shit salary, no prospects, no self-respect, and full-blown plan to impregnate your daughter with a spit-spewing half-retarded baby. But I'm a Yankees fan, so none of that should matter."

4) "You got some sweet calves, bro." Don't give him a chance to answer and walk off quietly.

5) "Man, those Buffalo Bills sure do suck, huh?"

6) "Tom? What are you doing here? Look, I told you, it's over. You have to stop this. You can't just follow me around DC and show up to the same dinner parties as me. Tom, what we had in Charlotte... oh, it was something magical. It really was. But it's over now. You have to let it go. You have to let me go. What's that? You're Katie's dad?? No shit... small world."

7) "Hello, kind sir." Immediately follow this up by casually removing the hamster from my underwear and placing it next to the sweet potatoes.

8) "I figured you would have been taller, given how much Katie enjoys being on top."

Let me know which one you think will work best.

Sidenote: I don't understand how a last name can have six consonants and only one fucking vowel. Germans, man... Germans...

This Guy Is Single?!? Part 6

2009-10-23T02:46:00.000-04:00

Links On The Left, Part 7

2009-10-13T00:54:00.000-04:00

All Out Fitness is a gym in Connecticut run by my friend Drew. He is also a Level 1 certified CrossFit trainer. Our goal is to someday open our own CrossFit affiliate in CT, but with the economy, my current life in DC, and Drew's constant "constitutionals" to the mountains of Vermont for what I can only assume is gay sex with a sasquatch, it's been a slow process. In the interim, Drew and I have been doing our best at our respective stations in life to become better/smarter trainers and save money. We've done pretty well at the former and probably shitty at the latter.

If you happen to be in Connecticut, either by travel or inhabitance, feel free to swing by for a workout. Drew is a knowledgable guy (mainly because he listens to me) and AOF is filled with motivated, hard-working people all trying to improve their fitness. I occasionally post little tidbits of training knowledge on there as well, since Primal management refuses to have a WOD blog.

Yeah, this post didn't have a lot of funny in it. Fuck it, I'm tired. Blame the gypsies or something, I don't care.

C'mon, Seriously Dude? UPDATE

2009-10-09T06:01:00.000-04:00

Obama awarded 2009 Nobel Peace Prize

Uhhhh... why?

"Obama was praised by the Norweigan Nobel Committee for 'his extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples.'"

Oh, okay. I guess. Maybe they should rethink their whole evaluation policy a bit. Seems like they're kinda just giving the award out nowadays. And don't get all defensive and bent-out of shape, you hippie pigs. All I'm saying is I'd be more than happy to go to North Korea and throw down on some ping-pong with Kim Jong-il, but you won't see me getting any goddamn medals.

UPDATE: Starting to make more sense now...

Obama To Enter Diplomatic Talks With Raging Wildfire

From My Brother

2009-10-04T21:55:00.000-04:00

I just received the following email from my oldest brother, Tripp (yes, that's his real name)...

It's unbelievable how unsympathetic Mike was towards Chris, even though she was having the worst/craziest night in babysitting history. Tell you what, Mike... That wasn't "SO•COOL"....

If you don't know the reference, then I hope your parents leave you in a dumpster somewhere.

Now You Know

2009-09-30T20:23:00.000-04:00

In case you were wondering...

Anyone on a sports team called the "Flames" is gay. Take that, Jarome Iginla!

And now you know.

An Incompetent Government Agency??

2009-09-24T02:51:00.000-04:00

No way. I didn't believe it myself, but click here and see for yourself.

Pretty rough stuff. Boy, I'd hate to be anyone working there...

Fuck. My. Life.

CSI Hate David Caruso

2009-09-16T23:58:00.000-04:00

I'll admit that this blog has slightly morphed into little more than me sprouting off some bullshit and then posting a youtube video I find humorous, and in effect I'm simply pawning off the funny to something or someone more capable than myself. I think it was working, until just now, when I admitted that I'm an unorginal scumbag. Nevertheless, I'm going to keep the trend going for this post.

I fucking hate David Caruso. He is just plain awful. It boggles the mind to think that this ginger bastard gets paid millions of dollars to do what he does on CSI: Miami. I've watched episodes of this show and it hurt. It literally hurt to watch this trite bullshit. I would rather have a burlap bag filled with severed feet and starving rats tied around my fucking head than watch this show. I understand that it's just another dumbshit TV show so maintaining reality isn't a priority, but there's some serious fucking problems.

For one, CSI stands from Crime Scene Investigation. Essentially, these people are forensic specialists who anaylze crime scene material blah blah blah. These people, however, ARE NOT the cops who bust down the doors of suspected mass murderers. They're scientists with guns. In one episode, some guy was testifying in a grand jury hearing so he was placed in protective custody. Naturally, two CSI officers were assigned to protect him. Nope, sorry. Pretty sure that's the U.S. Marshals' job. I'm not even going to get into the fact that the entire creation of the CSI television series has destroyed the judicial system because juries full of fat-fuck non-stop TV-watching shitbags insists on DNA evidence in EVERY case. Doesn't work that way, America. Goddamn, why can't things be like the Old West again? Now that was justice.

But the crowning venereal disease of CSI: Miami is David Caruso's acting, or lack thereof. I don't know if this guy has any actual thespian training whatsoever and I'm way too lazy to look it up. All I know is that in two weeks I could train a deaf mute from Azerbaijan to be a better actor than that bucket of dog vomit. If you haven't seen the below video, be warned: It may give you brain cancer.

Some of the terrible writing on the show should also be attributed to the misery above, but Caruso's delivery really tops it off. The worst part? You can tell he thinks he's doing an awesome job. Fuck David Caruso. Fuck him in his stupid ass.

This Guy Is Single?!? Part 5

2009-09-09T16:44:00.000-04:00

SteveChat - Episode 13

2009-09-02T00:11:00.000-04:00

This one isn't exactly a chat per se, but Steve sent me this little bit he wrote a while ago and I figured it'd be better off here than buried in my old emails...

i know i'm not the only one who indulges myself now and then with a shit in a handicap stall. those things are top-of-the-line. when you walk into a restroom and see a few regular stalls and a handicapper, it's like choosing between coach and first class. in fact they should have a curtain blocking off that section so you can't see what's going on in there. the comfort, the spaciousness.... there's really nothing like it.

but if you're like me, you've never really thought about the possible consequences of pampering yourself in that manner. imagine for once that you're mid-shit, enjoying every inch of your 15 square foot palace, spread out like an offering to the gods, thinking life can't get much better... when all of a sudden you see a couple of wheels roll up to the stall door.

[knock knock]

oh shit.

"uhh... just a minute," you say hurriedly, as the shame rises over your body.

"ok, but hurry" comes the reply "my condition makes it hard for me to hold it, and it takes me about 5 minutes just to get out of my chair once i'm in there."

"ok... i'll be quick," you try to reassure him.

"thanks. let me know if you need help getting back in your chair," he offers helpfully.

"uhh... yeah... that won't be necessary"

you quickly finish up, and nervously open the stall door to leave.

as you try to make your way to the sink a look of disbelief washes over his face, followed by a calm, rational anger.

"did you uhh... did you enjoy it in there?" he asks incredulously.

"yeah" you mutter quietly, staring straight at the floor.

"yeah its nice." he says "plenty of room. plenty of room to maybe.... oh i dunno, PARK A WHEELCHAIR"

At that point, who knows what would happen. he'd probably just run you over, or at least ram you in the shins a bunch of times. after he's had his way with you, there's nothing else to do than walk out humiliated and mutter something about never flying first-class again.

Well said, Stevo. The whole ordeal reminds me of this...

Random My Ass

2009-08-27T22:49:00.000-04:00

No, that's not a new sex-term I made up, although the possibilities are essentially endless: "Yeah, RANDOM my ass, bitch!" But no, I'm referring to the expression Middle Eastern people use when they go through the security checkpoint at the airport...

Well, now I feel just as persecuted as them, except I'm white so I'll feel fine in a few hours. But it turns out the Department of Justice has selected me for a "random" drug test tomorrow morning at 6:45AM. Hmmmm... why does this seem peculiar? Could it be my less than exemplary work habits? My constant napping on the job? My mood swings, anger, depression, and general hatred towards all of my coworkers? Perhaps it's because I'm a young, mid-20's male who MUST be smoking marijuana cigarettes or snorting the devil's dandruff. Hogwash, I say! In point of fact, I haven't touched an illegal substance in years. Provided my man-dumplings aren't illegal in the District of Columbia.

I find it interesting that of all 60 employees here at my office, I am the one selected for this "random" drug test. Don't get me wrong, I welcome the opportunity. For these instances, I drink a gallon of water, overfill the cup, and then soak the walls in my stream of justice. Take that, you filthy DOJ narcs!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to inject some human growth hormone, Deca-durabolin, Winstrol, EPO, and maybe a multivitamin for good measure. The only substance they're going to find in me is PCA - Pure Concentrated Awesomeness. This, of course, will shatter the test tube.

Links On The Left, Part 6

2009-08-25T18:18:00.000-04:00

As some of you may know, I am a CrossFit trainer at a gym in Washington, DC. This gym is called Primal Fitness. It was recently voted "Best Gym In DC" by some newspaper. I don't know, I find the texture and feel of ink-based publications to be morose. I've been working there for about a year, turning average people into athletes and turning athletes into fucking monsters. At least I like to think so.

For those that are curious as to what CrossFit is... oh, fuck off, I already explained it in an earlier post. Odds are, it's better than whatever you're doing to stay in shape now. Whether you're running three miles a day, doing benches presses and lat pulls, or just molesting your dog, I promise you CrossFit will get you in better overall shape. And by God, I might just be the man for the job. But probably not because it's entirely likely that I dislike you.

So if you're in the DC area and want to get a good workout in, stop by. Or if you'd like to see me take my shirt off in an effort to scare away drug addicts, that might be fun too.

I Take It Back, God Is A Prick

2009-08-20T01:03:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers, I fear I am too depressed to even type. Each keystroke feels like a thousand nails piercing my delicate heart. I've lost a part of myself today. Not my penis, thank god, but I rarely get any good use out of that fucker anyways. No, I've lost something far worse and much more devastating. It feels as though God Himself has reached his giant pious hand right into my chest, torn apart my ribcage, removed my heart, taken a bite out of it, thrown it like a grenade with a looping overhand at a puppy refuge, at which point the poor innocent puppies and my fragile sense of being all explode with one demoralizing BANG. Oh lord, I find I no longer have the strength to type. I feel weary. Sad. Alone. Frightened. Oh, am I fearful for the future. How can I possibly be expected to go on? Young Werther ain't got shit on me. Behold, dear readers, I cannot continue like this. Instead, I will merely copy/paste the reason for my current state of despair. Earlier today, I received the following email from my beloved friend, Stevo...

Subject: There's been a death in the family

Quint,

You're my best friend so I wanted to break the news to you first. I'm not good with words so I'll just come out and say it. The Dragon Buffet is gone. It's been boarded up; the windows, the doors, everything. I'm not sure when it happened or why, but it's gone and it's not coming back.

Now we begin the grieving process. Make sure you have a strong support structure in place to help you through. For me personally, I'm relying on the Japanese buffet next to Big Y. If you don't have a favorite buffet in DC, promise me you'll go out and find one. No matter how alone you feel, there are lots of buffets out there willing to support you.

As for the Dragon... the world will little note, nor long remember what we said there, but it can never forget what we ate there.

I love you.

- Steve

At this point, I feel it would be appropriate to recount all of the cherished memories I experienced at the Dragon Buffet, but I'm afraid the pain is simply too much to bear at the moment. Perhaps another time, when the seas of my heart are not burdened with such sorrow...

There Is A God

2009-08-18T13:53:00.001-04:00

Cast Away Proble--AWW SHIT!

2009-08-09T00:56:00.000-04:00

It's very likely that someone has already made mention of this somewhere on the internet or at least in casual conversation, but nevertheless, I have to say it anyways. Just to be sure.

Remember the movie Cast Away with Tom Hanks? Decent flick. A little quiet. Beach scenes were nice. I don't think the director gave the volleyball enough lines, but that's Hollywood for ya. Anyways, does everyone here remember that package he held onto? Seriously, you don't? For fuck's sake. Alright, he's a FedEx employee flying over the Pacific, shit crashes, he survives, and wakes up on a beach on a deserted island. Here's what wikipedia says from there:

"After several FedEx packages from the crashed plane wash up on the island, Chuck begins to open them, looking for items to use for his survival. He finds a number of potentially useful items but leaves one package, painted with a pair of wings, unopened."

So he never ends up opening the package, makes it off the island, and delivers the fucker to some lady at the end. Or something triumphant and happy or whatever. Here's what gets me: what if there was something extremely useful? Like a satellite phone.

Oh fuck me. I just scrolled further down on the wikipedia page and found this:

"In a panel discussing the movie, director Robert Zemeckis joked that the unopened package contained a waterproof, solar-powered satellite phone. This led to a Super Bowl commercial that parodied the movie, which shows Chuck (though not played by Hanks) delivering the unopened package; as he does so, he asks the recipient 'by the way, what's in the package?' and she replies 'nothing much, just a satellite phone, GPS locator, fishing rod, water purifier, and some seeds.'"

Well, that totally ruins my joke. Typical Q. Steal jokes from your sub-conscious memories. Real mature, asshole.

Hulk Smash.

2009-08-04T03:55:00.000-04:00

So I hate my job. And it makes me angry. Sometimes too angry. Unfortunately, not angry enough to turn me into a giant green superhero that smashes shit. For instance, a while back something got got fucked up somewhere. I don't remember exactly what happened, but my fuck, did it ever piss me off. I calmly locked my computer (for security reasons, of course), stood up from my desk, walked calmly to the bathroom, and almost ripped one of the stall doors off the fucking hinges. I got damn close, too.

Nothing that severe has occurred in some time, but this place sucks. And it's getting worse and worse. As much as I would LOVE to set homeless people on fire, their existence, while disgusting and generally unnecessary, almost seems like a better option than continuing to work in this fucking dump.

Regardless, I've come to realize that my slight anger issues should probably be addressed. And, as to be expected, rather than work, I decided to Google some anger management techniques. The ensuing result? I got fucking angry. Look at this shit...

When you're angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated and overly dramatic. Try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones. For instance, instead of telling yourself, "oh, it's awful, it's terrible, everything's ruined," tell yourself, "it's frustrating, and it's understandable that I'm upset about it, but it's not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow."

Are they fucking serious? When I'm pissed off, I don't have time to string together a long, pussy-ass, flowery fuckface sentence. I barely have enough time to call the cab driver's mother a cunt before I rap him in the back of the head.

"Silly humor" can help defuse rage in a number of ways. For one thing, it can help you get a more balanced perspective. When you get angry and call someone a name or refer to them in some imaginative phrase, stop and picture what that word would literally look like. If you're at work and you think of a coworker as a "dirtbag" or a "single-cell life form," for example, picture a large bag full of dirt (or an amoeba) sitting at your colleague's desk, talking on the phone, going to meetings.

That's not funny. Okay, maybe a bag of dirt going to meeting is kind of funny, mainly because I've already given it a name and a back story (its name is Bill, he's a claims adjuster with three kids, and his wife is cheating on him with some high-grade lawn fertilizer). But really, this tip is worthless. How are you supposed to picture "funny" images when the only thing coming to mind is driving railroad spikes into someone's face?

Do this whenever a name comes into your head about another person. If you can, draw a picture of what the actual thing might look like.

Again, no can do. I don't think my supervisor would appreciate a wide array of penis drawings scattered about my desk. This is how I picture all of my coworkers.

It's best to find out what it is that triggers your anger, and then to develop strategies to keep those triggers from tipping you over the edge.

Well, I've discovered one of my triggers is shitty anger management device.

This Guy Is Single?!? Part 4

2009-07-27T13:04:00.000-04:00

Seriously... Fuck Canada

2009-07-23T23:40:00.000-04:00

What is the point? What a goddamn waste of a country. We could take those frozen bastards in a second. You're probably wondering why I'm so upset. Or you really don't care whatsoever, but you'd rather read about why I hate our northern neighbors instead of editing copy or studying weather patterns or fixing IT problems or whatever the fuck it is you people do.

So I'm at work, of course, and I get a message from Canada. Essentially, some dude is wanted, but Canada neglects to say what for. They give me all the guy's information and even the facts of the case. His ex-wife comes over his house. She goes missing. Then he's seen carrying a large suitcase out of his apartment. And several days later there are reports that he tried using her credit card. Everyone see where this is going? No? Jesus, I have to do everything around here. In the most likely of scenarios, the dude killed his ex-wife with the candlestick in the library, stuffed the broad in his suitcase, disposed of the body, tried scoring some money from her bank accounts, and then attemped to flee the country. Pretty open and shut. But Canada, those dumb-shit hockey-lovin' fucks, fail to simply say, "Wanted for Murder." Three simple words that make my simple job even more simple so a simpleton like me can get his work done. I could just assume but herein lies the problem...

Right now, Canada's got nothing but circumstantial evidence. They're simply assuming murder and that's no good. Much like Die Hard 2, which was also no good. No good at all. You see, there are several possible scenarios that could be occurring...

1) Him and his ex-wife had a long discussion about how his addiction to pornography was responsible for ruining their marriage. After realizing his problem, he loaded up a large suitcase with all of his magazines, VHS tapes, and anal beads. He disposed of it accordingly. But then, knowing who he truly was deep down, he could not resist his urges. He used his ex-wife's credit card to buy Rim Nibblers 7: The Ring Of Fire. He was so overcome with guilt, he fled Canada to Paraguay, where his disgusting habits are encouraged.

2) He and his ex-wife had an altercation, but rather than kill her, he trapped her - in his suitcase! Of course! But why? Well, it's obvious that she has rabies. And if she sinks her teeth into that poor bastard, he'll have it too. I don't know what the required number is, but that sounds like a few steps shy of a full-blown pandemic. Sounds like he did the right thing to me.

3) She killed him. Follow me here. She's a woman so naturally she had copious amounts of debt from buying purses and shoes and lipstick and oven cleaners and jellybeans and cake batter and ice cream and InTouch magazine. The only way to escape Canada's extremely harsh penalty for debt (they actually make you pay it), she had to fake her own death. In doing so, she would frame her asswipe ex-husband because he never complimented her new dress or her haircut or her make-up or her cooking or her mother's moustache. So, quite simply, she stabbed him in the face with turkey baster, stuffed him in a suitcase, and then, using similar technology to that found in Face-Off (you know, the movie where no one ever seems to reload their gun), she grafts his face onto hers and BOOM - she's scot-free.

4) They're a traveling magician and assistant. They booked a show in Monaco that's going to help pay for their unborn son Heinrich's prosthetic ear lobe. Obviously, in this economic climate, one plane ticket is cheaper than two. And if you've got a professionally-trained magician's assistant who can contort her body into a variety of positions, you take full advantage of that. Both with air travel and in the bedroom, if you know what I mean. I'm talking about dirty sex, if you don't know what I mean.

5) He's going on vacation and his ex-wife is house-sitting for him. And even though he has a new girlfriend and is taking her to a magical tropical island, his ex-wife still lets him use her bank card. Women...

So you see, any one of these scenarios is entirely possible. I know some of them might sound crazy and ridiculous, but keep one thing in mind, they're Canadian, so really, anything is possible.

Meanwhile, I'm sitting here with a stupid case I can't process. Fuckin' Canada. Robin Williams said it first and many of you have heard me use it countless times to describe Massachusetts, but it still applies: "Canada is like a loft apartment over a really great party." I will confess, I did once have a thing with a girl from Canada and she was really hot. I swear. I'm not making this up. She was hot as fuck. Ya know what, fuck you. I wouldn't lie about that. She's real. And we had sex. Several times. I swear. Man, you're all a bunch of assholes.

Now You Know

2009-07-21T17:48:00.000-04:00

In case you were wondering...

I just watched Mike Huckabee play bass alongside Bernie Williams' band and it's like I just took five pills of Viagra - this boner is here to stay!

And now you know.

To Newport!

2009-07-04T05:53:00.000-04:00

Normally I condemn shit like Facebook because it's ridiculous and stupid and retarded. It was just my birthday a few days ago and sure, I appreciate a kind-hearted "happy bday" message, but it's annoying as fuck getting them from certain people. In particular, 1) People I haven't spoken to in years, 2) Ugly chicks and 3) Chicks that won't bang. It's irritating is all. Still, once in a while, when perusing through photos and profiles and copious amounts of personal bullshit that no one actually cares about, luck shines it's sparkling butt crack upon you.

Below is a picture of one of my best friends. You may know him as Stevo from the SteveChat installments here. The only caption I could possibly surmise for this picture would be:

This Guy ISN'T Single?!?
No.
And his girlfriend has huge tits.

"This picture will single-handedly ruin the Newport tourism industry." -Stevo

The 100th Post!

2009-06-29T00:23:00.000-04:00

We here at Calmer Than You Are are very proud to say that we have reached post #100 since re-opening. And when I say we, I mean no one. Actually being proud of the shit that I've written here would probably make me the World's Biggest Asshole and I just... actually, wait a minute, that doesn't sound so bad. Fuck yeah actually.

So how in the world do we celebrate this monumentous occasion? Shall I regale you with a ghastly story from my childhood, an instance that probably helped shape the twisted mind you read here between eclairs (because I assume all of my readers are fat)? Better yet, I could discuss why I like the show Malcolm In The Middle so much. And it's not because of Malcolm. By all accounts, he's the show's weakest link. And the mother is an unbearable cunt who's shrill voice seems to torment me during bouts of depression. But let me tell you, the other characters - Hal, Dewey, and Reese - run that fucking show. But no, that wouldn't do our 100th post justice. Perhaps I could put up a poll, asking all of you if I should continue on my current path or just quit my job and join the fucking Army. Yes, it would effectively put an end to this blog altogether but it may fulfill one of my lifelong dreams: getting to shoot someone in the face. No, none of these will do. Instead, let's just go with something we can all agree on...

Kellie Pickler is perfect.

And now I need to change my pants. Thanks for reading, everyone!

SteveChat - Episode 12

2009-06-27T20:07:00.000-04:00

Steve has a version of this on his blog, which he never writes on anymore because he's busy knocking up his girlfriend. But this is "The Napkin Story" in it's original form. I try telling this tale to as many people as possible, but I feel it never matches this rendition...

Sleepo285: i got to act like larry david at dinner tonight, it was awesome... i go to this place on campus thats kinda like a subway type deal, and i'm by myself cuz i went there from work... so i get my food and i sit down at a booth cuz i like the extra room and tables are for bitches... so i take a few bites of my sandwich and all of a sudden some girl is confronting me about the booth... she says she saved it for her and her friends (all ugly)... i said "you did? i dont see anything that says you saved it" ... and she points to a stack of napkins (!) and says "i put the napkins there"... i said "you saved your table with a stack of napkins?" .. at this point i was just amused and i might have actually moved, but her next sentence was "yeah now give us the table"... in a moment of inspiration i said "see this salt shaker? it means its my table... and if you'll look around you'll see that i saved every other one in the whole place" ... she follows this up with "your a dick" and storms off with her fellow trolls to a table (tables are for bitches)

This Guy Is Single?!? Part 3

2009-06-21T14:34:00.000-04:00

Pigfucker.

2009-06-20T22:11:00.000-04:00

First off, there better be a band called "Pigfucker" out there somewhere. Shit is too cool to not be a band name. Now, onto more pressing matters...

It's Saturday so I'm expecting a nice light day of work. Henceforth, I planned on beginning my post about all the sexy animated Disney starlets. However, I thought it may seem odd if by chance our IT guys here happened to find a bunch of pictures of animated, possibly adolescent girls on my desktop. So, I will save that post for the comfort and safety of a non-DOJ facility. I know, I know: I'm getting soft in my old age. In the meantime, there is something I've wanted to talk about recently. A group of people that really chap my ass: Cops.

Don't get me wrong. I commend most of the officers and officerettes who make the decision to become law enforcement personnel. It's not always a rewarding career. Generally speaking, a majority of cops are nice, hard-working individuals who simply want to make a difference in their respective communities by enforcing the laws and keeping their fellow citizens safe. Unfortunately, not every cop can be this way. For every good, well-natured cop out there, it's likely there's a bushel of fuckface asswipe cocksmokers who simply took the job so they could feel important, project their own inadequacies on others, or to simply prove to their dad that they could do better than mall security. While being a police officer is certainly not an easy job, these dickheads take their job WAY too seriously. A constant state of alertness is justifiably necessary for their own personal safety, but these guys always take it way too far. For instance...

Anil and Salil know this game all too well.

We've all encountered one of these types at least once in our life. For some of us, it seems these are the only cops we ever seem to cross paths with. Dismally, it sullies our perspective on the American lawman and just makes Wyatt Earp look like a real A-hole. Luckily, I haven't had any run-ins with DC Metro PD yet, although I'm quite certain I could easily outrun every single one of them. The fitness standards for the typical DC cop are far from strenuous. To be completely honest, it seems the recruitment standards require that you look exactly like Carl Winslow. I've had my fair share of encounters with police back in Connecticut and rarely was I left without a bad taste in my mouth. And no, that's not a reference to gunpoint-forced fellatio. As a close friend of mine will tell you, don't believe a word a cop says or you'll end up in handcuffs. As another friend of mine will tell you, don't try pleading the fifth because they'll call it obstruction of justice. As yet another friend of mine will tell... wait a minute. Why are all my friends from back home such fucking criminals? Nevermind. That's a discussion for a later time.

Either way, dealing with these kinds of prick cops can be difficult, frustrating, and altogether enfuriating. So how does one cope when thrust into a situation involving a douche-lick cop? Well, I wrote a quick reference guide here back in the day. But really, that is slightly outdated. Instead, take a few tips from this guy...

I'm Going To Make You A Bicycle. But I Don't Want To Make You A Bicycle...

2009-06-18T00:45:00.000-04:00

Jesus Christ. Really?? You're all a bunch of goddamn jackals. Hyenas. I'll admit my posting frequency has dwindled significantly in the past month, but I've probably got reasons for it (Mental Note: Think of reasons, preferably charitable ones). You all forget how easy it is to get on the computer, head to Calmer Than You Are and read some shit that may be funny, may not be funny, or may simply be a discussion on how my right testicle is slightly larger than my left. What you don't realize is that it takes time. It takes time to come up with something funny, something not funny, or to leave my desk at work to measure my testicles with a coworker's hair-tie. But no, take a brief hiatus and it's "No post in 11 days?" or "At least entertain us with some obsecene fantasy" or "C'mon, which testicle is bigger??" I'm even getting emails from some of my readers. To be honest, I didn't think anyone who visited this blog could actually read. Fuck, I can barely count past twelve. Keep in mind, I greatly appreciate your readership, but look at it this way: If MTV didn't think long and hard before creating such awesome television programs, don't you think the quality would suffer? Thank god for their patience.

In the midst of your complaints, jeers, and pleas, I've been busy training clients, protecting America, volunteering at a soup kitchen (Mental Note: Good one!), changing my diet dramatically, and actually doing way more work than most government employees would ever imagine. Don't get me wrong, I'm keeping it half-assed around here, but shit just keeps piling up. Like a heap of Steven Seagal straight-to-dvd movies. But there are things in the works...

For instance, I planned on discussing how Jim Henson was most likely a chronic masturbator (Mental Note: I know that game) and merely invented a wide array of animal puppets to keep himself stimulated. You gotta admire that kind of innovation.

I also want to discuss an important issue that is very near and dear to me: which female Disney character is the hottest? It's gonna be quite a debate. Ariel is hot, but she's half-fish and I think underage. Jasmine's probably a Persian freak, but you have to get past that big fucking tiger... and I find a lot of Middle Eastern women have beaks where their noses should be. Esmeralda was pretty smoking and she was voiced by Demi Moore, but she was gypsy and they just can't be trusted. More on this soon...

I even thought about addressing this: "Seriously, making fun of how white we are? That's so lame." Yeah, but it's easy. If anyone prefers, I could go into a much more detailed list of all of The Hurricane's aesthetic deficiencies.

Plus, we've got more Links On The Left, SteveChat, This Guy Is Single, and perhaps even the tale of the fuckface who broke into my car last week - and the ensuing murder/torture that befalls him! YAY!

Not to mention, the 100th Post is coming soon. I'd promise something incredible and amazing and epic, but it'll probably just be a picture of my massive right nut. Which, to some, might be pretty incredible, amazing, and epic.

NOTE: I should also say that since we have Internet Explorer -1.5 here at work, I'm having trouble formatting text and posting more pictures of Kelly Ohmygodsheissofuckinggorgeous Pickler. Hopefully, the nerds in the nerdery get this sorted out soon...

Now You Know

2009-06-09T06:51:00.000-04:00

In case you were wondering...

I don't like the way the dispeners in the bathroom here at work squirt soap on my hands. It makes me feel like I just jerked off the sink.

And now you know.

Shameless Plug

2009-05-29T23:20:00.000-04:00

I've been terribly busy with (insert lie here) so I haven't been able to post anything for a little while. And I'm quite busy with (more lies) at work right now, so I'm just going to mention something real quick. Rather than bore you with tales of women who want to bang me, women so pale they make Casper the Friendly Ghost* look like Kunta Kinte, I thought I'd support a local business...

Whitney Maymon is one our clients at Primal Fitness and a licensed massage therapist. I was sore from (insert lie that does not involve gay sex) so I scheduled an appointment. Since I had to come into my shithole job, it was only a forty minute session, but let me tell you, shit was unreal. I had never received a professional massage before, aside from a foot massage in Thailand (that's not a euphemism, I really got a foot massage in Thailand once). Yes, massage sessions are expensive, but definitely worth it. Afterwards, I didn't even mind coming into work because I was so refreshed and relaxed. And that's pretty legit because I hate my fucking job.

So if you're considering a massage, hit up Whitney's practice. She's skilled, professional, and has a boyfriend who isn't me (typical). Click the above picture to see her website and learn more. I said do it, motherfucker!

*Why the fuck does Casper have legs in that picture? Since when do flying ghosts have feet?

Since The Ancient Times

2009-05-15T00:16:00.000-04:00

It has been prophesized countless times over vast eons that one day a great truth would be revealed to us. That after all these years of searching, looking, praying, thinking, guessing, wishing, hoping... something would be uncovered. Something so amazing, so awe-inspiring that the world and its infinite possibility and splendor all becomes lucid and more glorious and beautiful. The sun will shine brighter than it ever has, the soulful cooing of a million doves will warm the hearts of billions, the ocean waves will crash to the collective beat of our connected hearts, and in unison this planet will finally become a place of peace, understanding, and love. This great truth will realign the stars, eradicate suffering, and bring about a new dawn of acumen.

What is this great truth I speak of?

Fuck if I know. All I know is that these two chicks totally want to bang me...

SteveChat - Episode 11

2009-05-07T01:40:00.000-04:00

Steve takes online checkers pretty seriously...

Prncss4life03: Y won’t u except a draw?
Prncss4life03: everyone always excepts a draw
sjd03001: draws are for quitters
sjd03001: its your turn, go
Prncss4life03: its not for quitters
sjd03001: take your turn and maybe i’ll offer a draw
[she moves with her last guy and gets jumped]
sjd03001: DOMINATION
Prncss4life03: what?
Prncss4life03: there is no domination
sjd03001: oh yes there is
sjd03001: you know what that was?
sjd03001: DOMINATION
Prncss4life03: no
sjd03001: god your awful
Prncss4life03: what?
Prncss4life03: u r awful
sjd03001: if we were playing in real life i would have tipped the table over when i won
Prncss4life03: why?
sjd03001: cuz it was DOMINATION

Sleepo285: In this game, I ended with 6 pieces, 2 kings, that's fucking awesome. We did not exchange any conversation until the following

sjd03001: DOMINATION
Carlson60: !
Carlson60: THE GAME IS FLAWED!
sjd03001: your game is flawed
sjd03001: you got worked
Carlson60: you got lucky
sjd03001: you got DOMINATED
Carlson60: drunk on ego are we?
sjd03001: drunk on DOMINATION

TyQuiF: amazing how u twist their pathetic words into searing insults
Sleepo285: isn't it awesome
Sleepo285: it's like verbal ju-jitsu
TyQuiF: haha
Sleepo285: speaking of verbal ju-jitsu, i came up with that phrase over the summer when me and my brother were looking for rocket engines at dick's
Sleepo285: did i ever tell you that story?
TyQuiF: no u did not
Sleepo285: well my brother found this model rocket that he had from when he was like 12... he decides we should buy some engines for it and fire it off... we go dick's and my brother asks some guy around his age if they carry model rocket engines... the guy's like "wow... model rockets... that brings me back........ wouldn't you say they kinda went out of style?"
Sleepo285: so my brother had two options: 1) he could agree with the kid and basically admit that he's a loser, or 2) he could say "NO THEY DIDN'T GO OUT OF STYLE" and look like an even bigger loser
Sleepo285: so you see, it was a verbal trap...

This Guy Is Single?!? Part 2

2009-05-02T20:12:00.000-04:00

Some Sequel Issues

2009-04-30T09:36:00.000-04:00

It never fails. Every single time. It doesn't matter who, when, or where. But it's pretty much guaranteed that within five minutes of meeting me, I'll bring up the Mighty Ducks Trilogy. It's not hard to see why, it's only the most perfect trilogy ever. George Lucas put out those first three Star Wars back in the 70's and was all sorts of famous/rich/bearded. The Mighty Ducks series comes along and guess what happens? George Lucas re-releases the first three Star Wars movies, Peter Jackson releases a trilogy about nature walking, and then Lucas busts out another three Star Wars flicks. I'm surprised as shit Francis Ford Coppola didn't whip out Godfather IV, V, and VI. Don't even get me started on that Harry Potter cunt.

Why did all of these movies come out? Probably in a massive conspricacy to bury my beloved Ducks under a sea of over-priced production value and special effects, to conceal their beautifully simplistic story with fantasy worlds of dragons and lasers and barefoot homos. It was simple. Everyone knew that it was literally impossible to outdo the Mighty Ducks, so they make a couple of billion dollar movies to hide the fact that they suck ass more than Goldberg does at skating.

Still, to be fair, even the Ducks have a few issues. As perfect as it is, Ducks has a few - I cringe to say the word in the same sentence - flaws. I know. It was hard for me to accept at first, too. But they are there. And it revolves around the transitioning between each of the amazingly crafted movies...

1) As we all know, in the first movie Gordon Bombay finds meaning to life by coaching the District 5 hockey team to the PeeWee Championship. That's all good and glorious, but here's where trouble starts. In the sequel, one of the most perfect movies ever crafted, D2: The Mighty Ducks, Bombay and his team are offered the chance to represent the United States in the Junior Goodwill Games. Uhhh... why? They miraculously won the PeeWee Championship for a tiny region of Minnesota and now they're good enough to represent our country in an international competition? Bear in mind, they barely even won. It came down to a fucking penalty shot by Charlie "I Wanna Blow Bombay" Conway. Talk about a longshot victory. Look at it like this: if after last year's historically epic and embarrassing season, the Detroit Lions managed to scratch and claw their way to the SuperBowl this year, win on some ridiculous Hail Mary pass with two seconds left on the clock, would we ask their starting line-up to represent America in an international football game? Fuck no! Because it was a fucking fluke and that'd be dumb as shit.

This guy knows: The 2008 Lions couldn't even beat the Hawks in a PeeWee Hockey Game.

2) Talk to any hockey player, the triple deke is not nearly as good a move as the series makes it out to be.

3) Also, here's another problem that I constantly think of: the locker room scene (2:49) before the third period. A lovely speech is given in which all of the Ducks stand up, proclaim who they are and where they come from. All of the kids from the original District 5 team yell out a bunch of different cities: Minneapolis, St. Paul, Stillwater, Brooklyn Park, and Edina. Don't get me wrong, all of these are within reasonable driving distance of one another, but let's look at the geographical facts here:

If all of those regions fall into District 5, I'm pretty sure the zoning people are huffing Elmers. Here's what the shape of District 5 looks like:

I know district zoning is usually pretty screwed up, but if you try saying that this is an actual city district, I say you have some offs to fuck.

4) So, Team USA wins the Goodwill Games in another shootout, barely beating Iceland. During the credits, they sing "We Are The Champions" around a campfire and I pleasure myself to sleep. But yet again, another issue arises between sequels. After showing such "promise" during the Goodwill Games (Fulton Reed, Dean Portman, and Kenny Wu were known as a crew of brawling thugs, by the way), they are all granted full scholarships to the prestigious Eden Hall Academy, the very school Coach Bombay attended - how poetic. Now, I'm all for this great group of kids to get a good education, but herein lies the rub: they are accepted as the Junior Varsity hockey team. Without even trying out. Uhhhh... why? According to wikipedia, "their arrival is met with hostility from the varsity team, mainly consisting of Caucasian players who are members of rich families, whose younger siblings were not accepted to the academy to make room for the Ducks." How in the fuck is that even legal? They, again, defeat a vastly superior opponent against all odds thanks to a few trick (Translation: Illegal) plays, dumb luck, and a fucking knuckle-puck, and all of the sudden they just become the JV team for Eden Hall?? So they don't have to try out? At all? Nope. They named an NHL team after them, no need for tryouts.

Bear in mind, these flaws are minimal at best. Mere tiny scratches on the paint of a wonderfully developed masterpiece of cinema. This trilogy is pretty much as close to perfect as a series of films can get. Still, the biggest problem remains a staggering one...

About one minute into this clip could possibly be one of the worst music moments in film history. Fuck it, even the Ducks can't be perfect...

Every Time Seth Rogen Laughs, I Will Stomp A Kitten To Death

2009-04-30T03:31:00.000-04:00

Because in all honesty, the horrifying sounds of adorable baby kittens being smashed into doubly horrifying puddles would sound a million times better than this guy laughing.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a fan of Seth Rogen and his movies. But I'm worried that may only be because the people in charge of editing ensure that as little of his laughter makes it into the final cut as humanly possible. I always found him quite humorous when I first started seeing him in movies, but there was always something that irked me about him. At first, I thought it may be because he looked like the human manifestation of Shrek.

"Shrek Rogen"

But then I slowly began to realize it was his incredibly unbearable laugh that made me not fully embrace him as a top-shelf comedic actor. Still, he has a lot of great lines in a bunch of quality movies, so I let it go. Recently, my hatred for his guffaw has resurfaced.

In the special features on the DVD for Zach & Miri Make A Porno, what would have been a brilliant exchange of improvisation between Rogen and Justin Long is sullied by constantly hearing what can only be described as "a retarded Jewish rhinoceros with asthma in the midst of a coughing fit, desperately clawing for its inhaler. While shitting."

On another note, Justin Long is seriously underrated and, as far as I can tell, has a normal human laugh.

Only In America

2009-04-24T21:50:00.000-04:00

It's a well known fact that I work for a federal agency in the United States government. It's nothing too prestigious, but it's a government job that certainly requires more intelligence than whatever this piece of shit is getting paid for. Still, I find it amazing what kind of people are employed by my particular agency. Spider monkeys could be more productive than some of these mutants. And could hold a better conversation. And I'm almost positive spider monkeys don't speak English.

Why am I going off on all of this, you're probably wondering? Well, I just overheard my supervisor, who makes roughly $50,000 more per year than I do, say this over the phone to someone:

"Why you gotta be tryin' to put me all out there like that?"

Amazing. What a country we live in...

Now You Know

2009-04-20T08:22:00.000-04:00

In case you were wondering...

Girls who use this quote: "Laugh when you can, apologize when you should, and let go of what you can't change. Kiss slowly, play hard, forgive quickly, take chances, give everything and have no regrets. Life's too short to be anything but happy" are whores.

And now you know.

Comments: Enabled

2009-04-18T08:48:00.000-04:00

Holy fuck, tonight is slow. Work is moving like the conveyor belt of life. You know, covered in barbed wire, slow and unyielding, hurtling us towards our painful, terrifying end. Or whatever metaphor you prefer. Box of chocolates, riding a bycle, grindstone, etc...

Anyways, Drew told me how to change my settings on this thing so now people can leave comments, even if they don't have a blogger account. With that said, feel free to leave comments at your leisure, condemning or condoning my words. I'd prefer it if you left your name, but commenting annonymously is fine - it just means you're a pussy.

Oh, I just thought of a great metaphor for life!

Life is like banging a transexual. At first, you're excited and eager and loving every minute of it. And then, there's a horrifying realization that everything isn't really what it seems. And finally, when all seems lost, you just submit to it and ask for a blowjob instead.

Oh yeah, get ready to see that bad boy on some bumper stickers...

Links On The Left, Part 5

2009-04-18T00:50:00.000-04:00

Yep, not changing the title. "Links On The Left" is a fucking fixture around here, people. You can't just up and change something simply because it's not accurate. Where would the world be if you couldn't stand behind known falsehoods with blind devotion? I'll tell ya where. We'd be Gymkata. I'm kidding; Gymkata fucking rules.

Onto business... What Would Tyler Durden Do? is one of the best sites on the internet. Normally, I could care less about celebrities unless I hear about them dying, which Madonna just refuses to do, but WWTDD makes it much more interesting. Brendon, the guy who writes everything on there, is another reason I decided to get back into this whole blog bullshit. Dude is goddamn hilarious. Whether he's making fun of himself, wishing for Amy Whinehouse's next overdose to finally do the trick, or commenting on how damn chunky Jennifer Love Chewitt has gotten, it's all gold.

Some memorable quotes:

"Brad must be a passionate man because the temptation to pull out on Angelina Jolie would seemingly never get old. We could have sex every day for a hundred years and she might be scared that she was barren, but she would appreciate all the pineapple juice I’ve been drinking."

"Hell, I would blow a homeless guy on stage at my high school reunion to get on top of Heidi [Klum] as many times as Seal has."

"Having an NFL cheerleader and contestant from 'the Bachelor' on a show called 'Dancing With The Stars' really pushes any rational definition of the term 'stars', but as of today Melissa Rycroft is definitely a star in my book. My book is entitled, Girls I'd Like To Fuck."

"...it turns out – and I did not realize this before – the one thing more uncomfortable to masturbating while looking at a dude is masturbating while looking at a dude who is you. It's like I jerked off on my twin."

And that's only going back two weeks into his archives. So stop reading US Weekly, Twitter, InTouch, Perez Hilton, or any of that other bullshit that totally sucks and just go to Tyler. He's better, cheaper, quicker, and not a fat homo with pink hair.

This Guy Is Single?!?

2009-04-16T15:54:00.000-04:00

The Story of a Hurricane

2009-04-14T17:47:00.000-04:00

Not long ago, I posted this little diddy about an ugly coworker claiming Megan Fox wasn't attractive. I got the following response from a mysterious being known only by the vague nomenclature, "The Hurricane"

"I have to agree with your coworker that Megan Fox is not that attractive (in celebrity hotness terms). Specifically, her face is way less impressive than her body. Clearly, she is more attractive than me and 98% of people on this planet, but there is a higher standard by which to judge people who are famous, especially women.

I would rank a lot of other women above Megan Fox in terms of hotness, one of which is Marisa Miller, who I think is pretty much the definition of hot... but I guess it kind of depends on whether you like blonds or brunettes (FYI brunettes are skanks).

Oh yeah, I would also add Scarlett Johansson, Charlize Theron, Rachel Weisz, Famke Janssen, Olivia Wilde, Kristen Bell, Rachel McAdams, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Liv Tyler and Gisele Bundchen to the list of women significantly hotter than Megan Fox."

So now, I must compose a rebuttal to this assessment. I must say, Tropical Storm makes some very good points. I will concede that Megan Fox's face is not top-notch in comparison to the peak echelon of famous celebrities. Sure, she does not possess the absurd beauty or bone structure of Natalie Portman, but she is more attractive than the ladies on FoxNews and, fuck me, those bitches are sexy. But I'm a gentleman and I don't judge women on one superficial criteria. Focusing on just a woman's face is not fair - it's important to consider her legs, breasts, and ass as well. That's much more gentleman-like. And judging by those criteria, I break it down like this: I would marry Natalie Portman in an instant, but I would bang the fuck out of Megan Fox in the pope's bed with both my parents watching.

Marisa Miller is damn good example to provide. I think Google itself ejaculates when you search her name. So touché on that one. But still, she wasn't in Transformers.

Now, here is where your argument falls apart. You made some pretty decent points, Tsunami, but when you tried listing Hollywood starlets you think are more attractive than Megan Fox, everything went to shit. So I will break it down broad by broad...

Scarlett Johansson: Absolutely not. Yes, she's hot, but get a tan for christ's sake. It'd be like banging Casper. With huge tits.

Charlize Theron: Are you sure about this one? Don't get me wrong, she is amazingly beautiful, but I can't get this out of my head.

Rachel Weisz: Yes, they make Encyclopedias specifically designed to catergorize all of the outrageous shit I would do to this woman, but Constantine sucked ass.

Famke Janssen: Another hot as fuck woman, but let's look at the straight facts here: Megan is 22, Famke is 44. While this gives Famke the 22 year sexual experience advantage, it also gives me 22 more years to slay prime-ass Megan in a wide variety of Halloween costumes.

Olivia Wilde: I almost brushed this one off, but she does look pretty fucking hot in the trailer for Year One. I'll let this one go because it turns out her real name is Olivia Jane Cockburn. I bet when she was starting out it was hard to get callbacks. Few casting directors will bang a chick with a last name like that.

Kristen Bell: Alright, tiny chicks are a huge fucking turn on. This one is 5'1" and that's awesome. And sure, I'd take vacation time to root out this chick all hours of the day, but proportionally-speaking, Megan has the advantage.

Rachel McAdams: Ahhh, well played. She won the women over with The Notebook and then won the men with Wedding Crashers. She won me over with Mean Girls. But what have you done for me lately, Rachel? Besides, she's Canadian. Not to be trusted.

Catherine Zeta-Jones: Well past her prime now. She went from Entrapment to shitty T-Mobile commercials. Fuck the Google phone and fuck you, T-Mobile.

Sarah Michelle Gellar: She's hot, but c'mon. All of the shit going on in Cruel Intentions and you can't even get naked? The best you can do is make out with Selma Blair?! For fuck's sake, at least tongue Reese down or something.

Liv Tyler: Eww. I don't even want to argue this one - I find her that disagreeable. I've seen train wrecks turn out better than this one.

Gisele Bundchen: Anyone who actually takes pleasure in banging Tom Brady should seriously be killed. It's geniunely amazing how many guys from New England are jealous of Gisele because she gets to lick Tom's asshole.

So, in closing, Megan Fox is still hot as fuck. Despite your vain attempt to prove me wrong, I appreciate your readership, Tornado.

SteveChat - Episode 10

2009-04-12T14:34:00.000-04:00

If you've never been the Dragon Buffet in Manchester, CT... well, William Wallace would say you never truly lived...

Sleepo285: dude theres something i have to tell you
TyQuiF: ok
Sleepo285: the dragon closed
TyQuiF: yeah right
Sleepo285: i've been having a tough time admitting it to myself
TyQuiF: if this is a joke, it's not funny
TyQuiF: you're fucking lying to me
TyQuiF: DON'T FUCKING JOKE ABOUT THIS SHIT
Sleepo285: hahahahahaha
TyQuiF: god damn it, u always made me think the worst
Sleepo285: oh man i wish i was theremto see the tears streaming down your face
TyQuiF: hahah, fuck you... ya know what, buildings can burn, health codes can be violated, chinese people can be enslaved in america... but the dragon will NEVER close
Sleepo285: we would put together all the money we have, raise whatever else we needed, fix up the place in a montage, and save the dragon
TyQuiF: seriously
TyQuiF: "Save The Dragon" - what a fundraiser that'd be
Sleepo285: everyone in the community would team up to save it, except for the one old grumpy guy who wanted to see us fail, then at the fundraiser headquarters we'd count the money and everyone would be celebrating, but when we were finished counting the money we'd realize we were a thousand dollars short and everyone would get really upset and realize it was all over.. and right when everyone had given up all hope, the old guy would come forward from the back of the room and reveal that he'd been raising money too, and it would put us over the top and save the dragon once and for all
TyQuiF: hahaa... so poetic it's like a haiku
Sleepo285: what a great movie script
Sleepo285: a couple kids try to save their favorite chinese buffet from closing
TyQuiF: call Miramax
Sleepo285: i've got em on the line right now
TyQuiF: aight man, i gotta finish packing
Sleepo285: dont forget your buffet clothes
TyQuiF: baggy sweatpants, a sweatshirt, and my lucky bib
Sleepo285: non-slip shoes and all

Randi's Promises

2009-04-11T20:54:00.000-04:00

No, that's not the title of a Lifetime movie, it's something far more depressing. A "friend" of mine, whom we'll just call R. Watts. No, wait. That's too obvious. We'll just call her Randi W. Anyways, this so-called friend has made a habit of making promises and subsequently breaking them to the utter dismay of my oh so fragile heart.

Things Randi Watts Promised That Never Came To Fruition...

Pictures: Due to my bullshit work schedule, rarely does the occasion arise where I can go out and get hammered with my friends here in DC. When such events do come up, I usually make the most of it. Translation: I get bombed out of my fucking mind. If people take pictures, I usually love seeing them. Because pictures of me = pure sex. On numerous occasions, Miss Randi has promised to send said pictures. The only one she ever sent was a picture of two lesbians switching teams for me...

This happens literally every time I go out.

Marriage: Still waiting on that ring, Randi! I'm thinking at a nice Italian restaurant. But be sure to surpise me. If I see it coming, it might ruin the moment.

Double-Unders: Randi is affectionately known as Randi "The Natural" Watts for her badass ability to do double-unders. For all of you know-nothing pussies out there, this is basically jumping rope, but harder and faster (that's what she said). Anyways, I've been trying to get video footage of Randi doing 100 consecutive double-unders. But she has failed to do so roughly 400 times. As far as max consecutive double-unders goes, her best numbers recently have been 81, 75, 2, 85, 18, and 6. She's not exactly a monument to consistency.

Her Mom's Phone Number: I don't know why Randi is so adamant about keeping me and her mother apart, but she needs to get her act together. There's nothing weird about your step-father being four years younger than you. I don't think I'm being unreasonable here. You can't fight a love like ours, Randi! Please take a quick second to vote for Randi's mother in This Stupid Contest. Randi is the drunk on the left and her mom is the FOX on the right. Seriously though, if we get enough votes for her... maybe Randi will dish out those digits!

Really Quick

2009-04-08T21:47:00.000-04:00

I have a bunch of various posts I'm working on, but I just had to say something really quick...

I can't fucking stand it when absolutely ass-ugly broads who genuinely look like the back of my balls try talking shit about absurdly hot women. There's a mutant here at work who thinks Megan Fox isn't attractive. "Her face just isn't all that good." How can I possibly hold my tongue? Even worse, she said my beloved Kellie Pickler is ugly.

I seriously wanna tell this bitch to look into the back of a rusty spoon. That's the only way she would ever look attractive - distorted and upside down.

I'd rather make out with Jake Tucker...

I Should've Been A Queer

2009-04-07T05:30:00.000-04:00

Why? Because sports fucking suck this year. Seriously. My teams can't catch a fucking break.

The New York Yankees miss the playoffs for the first time since 1993. This, of course, happened during the last season in The House That Ruth Built a.k.a. THE greatest sporting venue ever (eat my shit, Fenway). And fuck whatever research Caple even did that for article - that shit is just plain fact.

The Indianapolis Colts choke up like an amatuer pornstar in an all-black film and let Darren "Pocket-Ass" Sproles run all over them. How many all-purpose yards was it? 328? Oh, for fuck's sake...

The Oklahoma Sooners... fuck, I still can't even bear to speak about this one. I have a serious love/hate thing for Tebow. He's white, he's awesome, and he's a lefty. But he dates this chick. Which pisses me off. Sam Bradford will still be a better quarterback in the NFL.

Meanwhile, the Papua New Guinea men's field hockey team finished third in the Oceania Cup back in 2007. Ridiculous, I know.

The UConn Huskies get thrashed by Michigan State. Sure, making the Final Four is no small feat. Those fucks from Duke couldn't even do it, but c'mon, finish the goddamn job. That's what you get for recruiting a team of criminals and a 7' African. Oh, and Michigan State was subsequently destroyed by UNC and Tyler "I've Already Made Plans To Be Terrible In The NBA" Hansbrough in the championship game last night.

At least my beloved Washington Capitals are still in the picture. But still... it's hockey. I'll admit, I've grown to like it much more than I ever did, but still... it's hockey.

Yes, I know my favorite teams are scattered all across the country. I'm the Carmen Sandiego of sports fandom so fuck you.

A Bad Idea - Day 40

2009-04-06T14:00:00.001-04:00

Yes, it is Day 40 of this stupid, stupid experiment and I am just counting down the hours right now. To be honest, I'm amazed at my own self-control. It's been quite a ride. Now, all I'm left is one question for all of you...

Anyone else have any big plans for tonight?

Q Is A Racist Letter, Not Person

2009-04-06T11:53:00.000-04:00

I just realized that constantly creating posts to prove I'm not racist may just reinforce my clearly obvious racism, but I already started typing and I'm pretty sure my Backspace key is broken so here we go...

A Comprehensive List of Women Who Are Not White That I Would Totally Bang

Gabrielle Union
Meagan Good
Tyra Banks (before her ego turned her into a complete pyschopath)
Zoe Saldana
Salma Hayek
Harriet Tubman (because she stood for freedom and freedom is sexy)
Lacey Duvalle
Maggie Q
Shakira
Roselyn Sanchez
Stacey Dash (over 40 with two kids and still hot as fuck)
Eva Mendes
Paula Patton
Parker Posey (yes, i know she's white but I wanted everyone to know that I would LOVE to nail this chick)
Halle Berry
Naomie Harris
Rosa Parks (if she let me put it in her backseat)
Jackie Guerrida
Samantha Esteban
Thandie Newton
The lead singer of Pussycat Dolls (who cares what her name is)
Nia Long
Nelly Furtado
Vanessa Williams
this chick (if you don't recognize that dumper, this must be your first day on the internet)
Jenaveve Jolie
Eva Longoria Parker
Freida Pinto
Kim Kardashian (she's dating a black dude so it counts)
Nadine Velazquez
Daisy Marie
Rihanna (because she just takes it)
Seleta Ebanks
Jessica Lucas
Christina Milian
Audrina Patridge (she might just be really tan from doing nothing but laying out all day)
Priya Rae
Kourtney Kardashian (her sister dates a black dude)
Vida Guerra
Martha Higareda

All apologies to CCH Pounder, but it's just not happening, big guy...

A Bad Idea - Day 37

2009-04-03T07:25:00.000-04:00

We're through the looking glass here, people. The home stretch. The Final Countdown. I don't know about you, but I can hear Europe singing in my head right now. And they're using my dick as the microphone. And yet, while the finish line is in clear site, this is where it's easiest to lose track of the goal. To crumble under the almost insurmountable pressure - peer and testicular included.

In order to safely walk this razor's edge of temptation, I need help. Luckily, a good friend of mine, Anna RidiculouslyItalianLastName, referred me to this article. Surely, if anyone can help me endure the final days of my quest, it's the Mormons. Here are some of the highlights from the article...

Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal washing and using the bathroom.

This one has been pretty tough as I am yet another victim of the Al Bundy syndrome. However, unlike Al Bundy, who only puts about half of three fingers down his pants, I pretty much cradle the entire great basket of glory that is my balls. Especially right before I shake someone's hand.

After you bathe, don't admire yourself in the mirror.

Really, this one isn't even fair. For those who don't know, this is what I look like when I get out of the shower. And yes, everything turns to black and white when I am shirtless. Unfortunately, Earth does not possess the spectral capacity to properly sustain itself when I'm blasting my nips.

Never look at pornography on the internet or elsewhere.

Wait, there's other places to get porn?? I never really thought about it, but porn is everywhere. And it's almost always free. Like the guy I saw pissing on the subway last week. Sure, it doesn't turn my crank, but I'll bet that gets someone fired up.

When in bed, wear pajamas or other clothes so that you cannot easily touch yourself.

Welcome To Boner City. Population: Me.

If the temptation seems overpowering while you are in bed, GET OUT OF BED! Go into the kitchen and make a snack, even if it is in the middle of the night, and even if you are not hungry.

It's reassuring to know that in the world's most obese and unhealthy country, Mormons would rather you be a fat fuck than to ruin a perfectly good oven mitt.

If you are associated with other persons having this same problem, YOU MUST BREAK OFF THEIR FRIENDSHIP. Never associate with other people having the same weakness. Don't suppose that two of you will quit together, you never will. You must get away from people of that kind. Just to be in their presence will keep your problem foremost in your mind.

Okay, this one confuses me. Nowadays, I could give a fuck who knows how often or freely or publicly I masturbate. But back when I was a kid and just discovering its majesty, I never spoke to friends about it. Because that's what masturbation is all about: self-discovery. Ya know, treating your body like an amusement park and deciding which ride is your favorite.

During your bathroom and shower activities leave the bathroom door or shower curtain partly open. Enough to keep from being totally alone, but still giving adequate privacy.

Yeah, tell that to this bitch.

Be outgoing and friendly. Force yourself to be with others and learn to enjoy working and talking to them

Wow. This one would definitely work. Forcing myself to be with people? Learning to enjoy working and/or talking with them? That's perfect! I'll be far too busy killing myself to jerk off! Hooray!

Get out of bed immediately in the mornings. Do not lie in bed awake, no matter what time of day it is. Get up and do something. Start each day with an enthusiastic activity.

Nothing like a making a good point and then completely contradicting it at the end. I can't think of a more enthusiastic activity to start one's day.

Set up a reward system for your successes.

Is it possible to award myself with some good ol' fashioned masturbation??? Because that'd be sweet...

SteveChat - Episode 9

2009-04-01T17:21:00.000-04:00

I need to explain a few things before you read this one...

1) A few nights earlier, we were at a party.
2) It was some drunk chick's birthday.
3) She was annoying.
4) She banged our friend Justin.
5) Several hours later, she banged his roommate Jeremy Boyko.
6) Excuse me, they banged her.
7) I recorded it with my cell phone.
8) A few hours after her second banging, her mother called to tell her that her grandfather had just died.

You seriously can't make this shit up. Naturally, Steve and I had some things to say on the matter...

Sleepo285: jesus christ
Sleepo285: her grandfather probably died because she was such a whore
Sleepo285: is that mean?
TyQuiF: nah, it's karma
Sleepo285: i bet after he died earlier that night, he got to heaven and decided "well i should check on my family on earth and keep an eye on them, protect them from harm and all that good stuff... ok, there's my son sleeping next to his wife, everything looks good there.... there's my brother playing late night cribbage at the old folks home.... OH MY GOD MY GRANDDAUGHTER IS GETTING NAILED ON A COUCH BY JEREMY BOYKO!!!!! FUCK!!!!!!!!"
TyQuiF: oh man, i'm sure its not good to make light or speak ill of the dead but that was fucking hilarious
Sleepo285: its ok
Sleepo285: its what he would have wanted
TyQuiF: who wouldnt
Sleepo285: "itsz myyy birtthdayzxslkdf"
Sleepo285: thats all i remember about that girl
Sleepo285: that and when she spilled beer on me
TyQuiF: hahhaha
Sleepo285: oh shit her grandfather died on her birthday
Sleepo285: but she also got fucked by boyko on her birthday
TyQuiF: gonna be a night to remember
Sleepo285: bittersweet memories
Sleepo285: i wonder if its just coincidence... cause if its not, and when boyko fucks someone their grandfather dies, thats pretty awesome
Sleepo285: he could start an internet porn site... grandfatherkiller.com
TyQuiF: imagine all the hits
TyQuiF: it'd be like milfhunter but with a nice twist on the end... he blasts all over the girl's face and then says "HAHA - your grandfather's dead now!!"
Sleepo285: hahaha
Sleepo285: it's like in bang bus when they ditch the chick on the side of the road
Sleepo285: theres nothing better than sex with a twist ending
Sleepo285: "yeah meg, this was really great... i've never felt so aLIVE FROM NEW YORK ITS SATURDAY NIGHT!!!"
TyQuiF: dude, next time (if ever) i bang a chick... after i finish, i just wanna whisper softly in her ear... "your grandfather just died"

A Bad Idea - UPDATE

2009-04-01T02:26:00.000-04:00

I found myself terribly displeased a few days back. Lent ends on Easter Sunday; however, when doing the math, the time between Ash Wednesday and Easter Sunday is actually something like forty-six* days. Why? Because apparently the Sundays don't count during Lent. Seriously man, what the fuck? Did they even address this shit in the Josh Hartnett movie??

Now people are telling me I have to hold out until Easter. My reponse usually varies between "Fuck that noise." or "Eat my shit" depending on how I'm feeling. Forget the religious connotations of Lent - when you've got a pair of backed-up balls, forty days is forty days damn it.

I Wonder...

2009-03-30T10:28:00.000-04:00

Some people have told me that this experiment to not play with myself for 40 days is unhealthy. Personally, I'm a bit torn. I'm not quite sure which will be worse for my health: the psychological trauma from 40 days of abstinence or the massive physical damage my dick is going to endure once I finally can jack it again.

I wonder...

Diversify Your Bonds

2009-03-29T14:46:00.000-04:00

See...

...despite all my rants and raves riddled with racism (holy shit, alliteration rules!), I have plenty of brown friends. I look like a goddamn sunspot whenever I take pictures with them, though...

Hey, wait a minute, what's this...

This is my attractive face.

I think it's quite clear that I'm admired and adored by all races.

It's just not mutual.

May Rabid Dobermans Feast On Kevin Leam's Genitals

2009-03-28T09:20:00.000-04:00

Terrible news, people. Yes, Conan O'Brien had to drop the masturbating bear, but that's not it. Michael Kelly, one of my favorite writers and a big reason why I write the nonsense you read here, has had his website pulled by the content provider - some limey cunts called Orange-Freeserve. Why? Because of some hackshit fuckface plagiarizing cockbite named Kevin Leam.

Our hero, Mr. Kelly, recaps the events in detail here.

In the most basic of terms, Kevin Leam is a heaping pile of dog shit. He has his own blog on MySpace. Of course, to call it "his" would be a stretch because a majority - if not all - of its content is stolen from either Michael Kelly or other people who actually possess talent. Long story short, here's what kind of sort of went down once our dear Mr. Kelly became aware of Leam's treachery...

Michael Kelly posts this on his website.
He threatens legal action against Leam.
He opts against it and hopes Leam will find the grace to apologize and remove the clearly stolen material.
Leam sends a complaint to webserver that hosts Mr. Kelly's site. Note: There is no way to prove it was Leam who sent said complaint, but he did. Because he's a devious cunt.
Blah blah blah, the cunts at Orange-Freeserve pull Mr. Kelly's site, siding with a known plagiarist. Real classy, fellas.
Michael Kelly has moved his site here and will hopefully be reposting all of his original material.
Kevin Leam remains unpunished. And incredibly ugly. Note: It's only defamation if it's not true. Dude is a goblin.

Only in a world this shitty can a brilliant scribe such as Michael Kelly get totally fucked by this deceitful sun-dried tomato dick-cheese. Sadly, there is little we can do to remedy this situation. I won't advocate violence against Leam because... well, he lives in England and that's just too long of a flight to put the business end of a claw-hammer into some dipshit's eye socket.

My only suggestion would be to support Michael Kelly by visiting his website and purchasing some of the books he has recently published...

My Godawful Life: Abandoned. Betrayed. Stuck To The Window.

Ulrich Haarburste's Novel of Roy Orbison in Clingfilm

I promise you won't regret purchasing either one. Mainly because all of the content, ideas, and words are not fucking plagiarized by some vegertarian scrotum-stretcher.

Fuckface... Book... again

2009-03-27T05:11:00.000-04:00

Well I reactivated my Facebook account again. Does it mean I take it up the ass? No, but it can't be too far off. This will be a trial run. Not sure how long I can stand knowing I'm a part of such... Jesus, I can't even come up with the right derogatory term for it. I find it that deplorable.

It's even more dangerous considering how much free time I have at work. Still, I think for productivity's sake, instead of just looking at profiles of people I would rather see trapped in a grisly bus accident, I can go through and start deleting these people from my friend list. Because fuck them.

Facebook really isn't for me. And I think Jesse said it best: "If nothing else, it's a good way to keep track of your upcoming victims." It sure is, Jesse. It sure is...

It's Madness, I Tell You!

2009-03-27T00:30:00.000-04:00

Oh my god, how crazy has this year's NCAA college basketball tournament been?! It's been filled with crazy upsets, three-point shots, and the occasional slam dunk! What a wild ride for all of these highly-paid athletes! With all of the commotion and hype, this tournament has been - dare I say - complete and utter madness! I know. I'm excited, too.

Okay fine. I admit it. I haven't watched one fucking game. Normally, I'd be pretty interested in watching as much of the tournament as possible, but this year I've either been too busy or I just don't know how to turn on the new TV in the basement. It's one of those reasons - I'll leave you to decide which.

I had some free time tonight so I checked out the status of the tournament. Here's my breakdown of what's gone on so far...

It is goddamn near fucking impossible for me to print out a stupid fucking bracket so I can make funny comments about this stupid fucking tournament.
Not one of the 16-seeds won in the first round. And yet people cry about expanding the tournament to include more teams. Sure, it would give more teams a chance to play in front of the whole country, but another way of saying that would be, "It would totally give more teams a chance to get absolutely obliterated... on national television!"
As of right now, five Big East teams are still in, three of which are already in the Elite Eight. Meanwhile, guess how many ACC teams are still in? That's right. Just one. Bitches.
Not only did Duke lose earlier tonight, they got blasted in the ass by Villanova 77-54. That's a 23 point ass-blasting. You have to pay double for that kind of action in a German sex parlor. Duke shot 27% from the field and 19% from three-point range. And I even rounded up for those pussies. Eat my shit, Shuhsheffskee, you phonetic-hating fuck.
News has come to light that UConn may have used some shifty recruiting practices. Big deal. Half of UConn's recruits end up in jail anyways. I say live and let live. And let steal and cheat. So long as UConn wins.
UNC seems to be rolling along quite nicely. While they may pose a threat to my beloved Huskies, we can all find comfort in knowing that they played Radford in the first round. That pretty much guarantees that Tyler Hansbrough has herpes. I reckon it's not easy doing a crossover during a flair-up.
Once again, in case I didn't make my point: the Big East fucking owns. Bitches.

Hopefully, this will help enhance your viewing of the remaining games of this ABSOLUTELY MAD tournament. It may help to print out this little diddy and keep it stapled to your bracket, which is probably failing miserably right now.

Stay alert because I'm working on a post regarding my self-abstinence, which will involve an article written by the very sensible and logical people of the Mormon religion.

A Bad Idea - Day 23

2009-03-20T05:40:00.000-04:00

To borrow from Fire Joe Morgan, I'm going to display the battle between what I may be saying these days and what I'm actually thinking...

Q: You know, not masturbating for 40 days isn't such a bad idea.
Q's Brain: Are you fucking mental?! This sucks balls. And not mine.

Q: This will leave me more time to read and catch up on my correspondence.
Q's Brain: Face it, asshole, you can barely read. And Pickler's lawyers already filed a cease and desist.

Q: Seriously, there's no reason to even masturbate.
Q's Brain: I've got one: Hannah Hilton.

Q: This will give me time to buckle down and focus on my career.
Q's Brain: Hmmmm... so it's international fugitives, nightshift, and unbridled boredom... or... Hannah Hilton, all-natural, blonde, tits...

Q: Lord knows I earned that promotion.
Q's Brain: I should have done a before & after weighing of my balls.

Q: Perhaps I can wash my car.
Q's Brain: I should install tinted windows because if Day 40 passes and I'm in transit, I will not hesitate.

Q: To be perfectly honest, masturbation is totally overrated.
Q's Brain: Yeah, that's why the porn industry is totally plummeting right now.

Q: What reason could I possible have to lock myself in a room and shamefully pleasure myself?
Q's Brain: Well, I already mentioned Hannah Hilton. How about... Jenaveve Jolie, Lela Star, Lanny Barbie, Audrey Bitoni, Devon, Devon Michaels, Savannah Stern, Rachel Roxxx, Rachel Starr, Roxy Jezel, Roxy Deville, Jaclyn Case, Lacey Duvalle, Krystal Steal, Courtney Cummz, Brittney Skye, Lucy Lee (Asian), Lucy Lee (Czech), Austin Kincaid, Tera Patrick, Tera Wray, Tory Lane, Vanessa Lane, Cody Lane, Priya Rae, Gina Lynn, Gianna Lynn, Adrenalyn, Asia Carrera, Anna Malle (may she rest in peace), Tawny Roberts, Jenna Haze, Jenna Jameson, Tanya James, Jayden James, Jesse Jane, Daisy Marie, Phoenix Marie, Lichelle Marie, Michelle Maylene, Shyla Stylez, Eva Angelina...

Q: I just have to keep myself occupied. I can't let my mind wander.
Q's Brain: ..Sativa Rose, Bree Olson, Nikki Benz, Nikki Rhodes, Katie Morgan, Mason Moore, Mariah Milano, Mindy Main, Stephanie Cane, Sylvia Saint, Ashley Blue, Abbey Brooks, Brooke Banner, Brooke Haven, Brianna Banks, Lisa Ann, Amy Ried, Shawna Lenee, Halia Hill, Rhylee Richards, Renae Cruz, Tessa West, Charley Chase...

SteveChat - Episode 8

2009-03-16T20:07:00.000-04:00

In tonight's episode, Steve converses with one of those AIM Bots...

Sleepo285: there's a SantaClaus screen name now, kinda like that SmarterChild thing... here's my conversation:

Sleepo285: hey
SantaClaus: Hey. Are you getting in the Christmas sprit?
Sleepo285: i'm a Jew
SantaClaus: Cool. You in that Festival of Lights spirit?
Sleepo285: yeah
SantaClaus: Excellent! Here's wishing you and your family a healthy and happy holiday season. Now type menu for fun and games that everyone can enjoy.
Sleepo285: don't belittle my people, Nick
SantaClaus: Take a moment, collect your thoughts, and try asking me another way. O.K. ?
Sleepo285: Don't FUCK with the Jews
SantaClaus: I'm only asking you to ask me another way. No need to get so testy.
Sleepo285: yeah you sit there at the North Pole and laugh it up
SantaClaus: Without a doubt?
Sleepo285: how's the weather there?
SantaClaus: Oh dear, how should I know?
Sleepo285: oh i get it, you don't like small talk, unless it's about killing Jews
SantaClaus: Cool. OK, let's see if you can complete this Hanukka quiz:
What comes next in this holiday-oriented sequence? nun, gimel, heh ??
Sleepo285: i'm not gonna set up the punch line to one of your anti-Semetic knee-ticklers, dick
SantaClaus: It's Shin!
Sleepo285: I'm gonna kill you

He Never Lies

2009-03-15T06:42:00.000-04:00

So I've become a big fan of the song "The Instrumental" by Lupe Fiasco. It's got a kickass beat and the dude can definitely flow better than the average bullshit you hear on the radio these days (I'm looking at you, Kanye, you Best-Dressed nut-cupper). Unfortunately, since my work computer is about as cool this, I have to find random versions of the song on youtube or Google video. As I said, I'm a big fan of this song. That is, until I saw this...

It appears to be some innocent video project a few European kids did. But as I'm sure you can imagine, several things irked me about the whole thing. Allow me elaborate - in list form!

1) Why the fuck is McLovin playing the rapper? Of all of the nerds featured in this afterbirth of a video, why him? Why not the mutton-chop scientist? It doesn't even look like Fogel here knows the lyrics, let alone can even speak to a girl without awkwardly saying he'd like her to be a hood ornament for his dick.

2) What's with the gay kid's reflective walk across town (yes, he's clearly gay)? I'm still trying to uncover the message they're trying to convey. It's like the moral of the video is to wear faggy sweaters and constantly stare off into the distance, contemplating your own flamehood. We would have also accepted "flame-itude."

3) Seriously, were they really trying to "change the world" with this video? Were those messages on the cardboard signs supposed to make me think twice about authority, conformity, and other words with that suffix? It wasn't working for me. Typically, people holding cardboard signs are these people. They don't make much of a difference until you're caught burying one in your backyard, which can totally ruin your neighbor's nephew's Bar Mitzvah. In my defense, they're the ones who asked that I don't put up a fence. I can't be held accountable for what they see afterwards.

So anyways, I was terrified that I may never be able to enjoy this song again. I was terribly vexed. And then I found this video...

Cristiano Ronaldo
by jackess31

Sweet Christ, he's good. I don't know how I know, but I guarantee this guy can pleasure a woman better than me.

I Wonder...

2009-03-14T22:26:00.000-04:00

How exactly did the season finale of Everybody Loves Raymond go? How do you end a show like that? Do all of the characters stop being annoying? Does everyone suddenly become funny and then the show just ends?

I wonder...

A Retraction

2009-03-13T06:26:00.000-04:00

I know what you're thinking...

...but no, this isn't a picture of a ghost taking a dump.

This is, in fact, a former meteorologist. I know, I found it hard to believe, too. What's even harder to stomach is how vindictive I've been towards the entire meteorological community. I mean, if one of their own can look this sexy while dropping a (most likely) monstrous shit, then perhaps I've judged them too soon. Maybe I was wrong about weather people. Maybe I was wrong about a lot of things. I don't know about you, but photographs of women pooping really make me think...

One thing I have learned from all of this: if you screw with the people who predict the weather, you better be prepared for a storm...

A SHIT-STORM!!

Hahaha... oh man, that joke was cheap. But totally worth it.

Links On The Left, Part 4

2009-03-12T23:57:00.000-04:00

First of all, have any of you noticed that all of the links happen to be on the right side of the page? Sure, I'm a colossal fucking moron for that, but I assumed that among the three of you reading out there, you could've figured that one out. I can't hold your hands through everything...

Anyways, today I am talking about CrossFit.com. CrossFit is a General Physical Preparedness (GPP) program that has essentially changed my life. With any luck, I'll drop this shithole government job and open my own gym someday. Just like White Goodman.

CrossFit's basic principles revolve around Constantly Varied Functional Movements Executed at High Intensity. Basically, it's harder than whatever you're currently doing. CrossFit's definition of fitness is increased work capacity across broad time and modal domains. The ability to move large loads quickly in a variety of ways is fitness, so to speak. Sure, Lance Armstrong can ride a bike for days, but I wouldn't ask the guy to shovel my driveway during a nor'easter. Dude's a fuckin' stringbean. Meanwhile, the douche-bag meathead at your local gym may be able to bench press 500 pounds, but I'll bet he can't do more than 10 pull-ups. Better yet, I guarantee he can't run a sub-8 minute mile.

The idea of CrossFit is to be good at everything. Fitness-related only, unfortunately. If only it made people better at nailing countless numbers of women...

Just the other day, I did a 30 minute workout in which I ended up doing 120 pull-ups, 120 ring dips, and 345 sit-ups. Shit was brutal. Even worse were the two raspberries I got on the top of my ass cheeks. My shit was rubbed raw. It looks like attempted entry wounds.

I felt a lot like this...

SteveChat - Episode 7

2009-03-12T17:02:00.000-04:00

TyQuiF: u can see it in my webshots
Sleepo285: i dont look at your webshots
TyQuiF: why not?
Sleepo285: because i feel gay enough for belonging to facebook, i dont wanna get involved with all this other crap... first its webshots, then its myspace, then its my own personal webcam where i strip for money
Sleepo285: its a slippery slope

Review: Watchmen

2009-03-12T02:16:00.001-04:00

Oh, what a treat to see Zach Snyder pulling material directly from the pages of brilliant men. I'm not even trying to be a dick. So many cockbag directors out there try so hard to be different. Or they're just downright fuck-all terrible. See: Mark Steven Johnson. Snyder knows what he's doing. Take as much of the good shit from the source material as possible and put it on the screen. And in my opinion, he did a kickass job with both 300 and Watchmen, in that respect.

Yes, the sex scene was essentially pointless and the song used was absurd. But hey, at least we get see Malin Akerman naked... again. Man, I swear when this bitch gets signed to a project, she almost immediately asks the director, "Hey, can I show my tits in this?!" Between her and Carla Gugino, you'd think Eden never collapsed.

I bet that's not Billy Crudup's real penis. Obviously, his real penis is WAY bigger.

Give Jackie Earle Haley an Oscar. Or something that actually matters. Like an aircraft carrier. With a helicopter on it. And inside the helicopter, Lindsay Lohan is naked, bound, and gagged. With duct tape. He deserves it!

Okay, now as much as I enjoyed the movie and Billy Crudup's Carolina blue cock, I found a few flaws...

First of all, the air conditioning was broken at the movie theatre so I sweat my fucking balls off. This wouldn't have been as bad if the movie wasn't two hours and thirty-five minutes long. I was sweating like Madonna during a Filthy Cunt Hunt.

I would have to say the worst part of the movie for me personally would be the black people next to and behind me that wouldn't SHUT THE FUCK UP. I seriously don't get it. Alright, people, prepare for a rant...

Where does this come from? Why is it only black people that do it? I've never left a movie theatre and thought, "Man, I wish that Portuguese couple kept quiet." It's un-fucking-believable. They know it's rude because they've definitely been shushed at the movies before. Oh, they've been fucking shushed. I'm not trying to say that all black people do this because I know they don't. But the ones that do? Please stop fucking up my movies.

Is this some sort of twisted, diabolical payback for slavery? Hey, slavery sucked. I feel bad (not really). But ya know what? You were never a fucking slave. Shit, your grandparents probably weren't even slaves. So stop fucking up my movies.

Seriously. Did I go to the Inauguration and talk while Balack Obama gave his speech? No, so stop fucking up my movies. Did you see what I did there? With the small "a" and bold text? Pretty clever, huh?

It's so fucking frustrating. It just makes no sense to me. I got to a point where I almost leaned over my armrest and calmly whispered into the guy's ear, "Hey, if you guys don't shut those watermelon traps, there is going to be a hate crime. So stop. Fucking. Up. My. Movie."

All I'm saying is this: if the government really biochemically engineered AIDS and crack to kill/control black people, it's not working. Not one bit. Because my movies are fucked.

DISCLAIMER: Some of you may not know me very well. I assure you that I do not mean all of this. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I am completely not racist... for the most part.

Important Poop

2009-03-11T18:32:00.000-04:00

So my brown friend emailed me again. Let me tell you a couple things about him:

1) He's brown
2) He's an IT consultant (big surprise)
3) He doesn't drink
4) He drives an Audi and has a hot girlfriend (show-off)

Apparently, his girlfriend found his email about an Asian shitting mustard gas a bit vulgar. So, naturally, he decided to send me a PG-rated version...

"so i have a daily ritual of a taking a morning poop. Around 9/9:30 my body just senses the need to relieve its solid waste, but that means that i'm usually at work...that is those mornings that i decided to be a good employee and show up to work and not play hookie and head to mi casa to sit on the couch and watch movies. SO anyway...in the morning, the mens room on this floor is still quite decent...usually still clean, well stocked, and smelling fresh. But this week, someone else has been invading my territory. A new guy starting working who also uses this restroom for his morning business...and let me tell ya...his business is the dirty, underhanded, two-bit, up to no good kind of business. This guy was a mystery until today...its some awkward lanky asian guy thats pooping up the the Apocalypse. I dont like it...i might need to venture to the restroom on the fifth floor to regain my peace."

"after writing that i felt castrated. i might need to start drinking."

Things I Shouldn't Have Put On My Resumé

2009-03-11T01:27:00.000-04:00

- works well with others

- washes hands thoroughly after eating Cheetos

- enjoys sitting at a desk for long periods of time

- totally not racist

- no interest in using work computer to download snuff-style pornography

- responds well to authority

- will not steal from coworkers' desks

- completely fine with giving up weekends at the ripe age of 24

- does not have terrible-smelling farts

- prefers Luke Wilson over Owen Wilson

- will not spend majority of shift writing on blog

Attention Intern, Part 4

2009-03-10T17:20:00.000-04:00

This was the final letter I ever wrote to one of our interns here at work. I never met the kid. I was told he kept messing with this girl Karissa's chair, so I wrote up the following just to mess with him. He apparently threw a massive hissy fit and my supervisor told me I could no longer write notes to the interns. That kid works here now. And every day, I debate leaving a severed head on his desk.

It pains me to know that you don't know me. If you did, perhaps your outlook on various matters would shift, hopefully towards the more positive end of the spectrum. It is quite a shame really. I imagine you are a fine upstanding gentleman. Why, you must be in order to have attained such a prestigious internship. It is quite amazing what one can learn about another through his or her words, in jest or otherwise.

It has recently been brought to my attention that you made some crack about John McCain's inability to raise his arms above his head. While you may have simply been poking fun at one of his mannerisms, I feel that you failed to recognize the sheer lack of empathy in your remarks. Please research how such a disability came his way. Go on. Google it. I'll wait.

Did you see? Five years in a Vietnamese POW camp. Tortured daily. And now, one of our nation’s most recognized war heroes cannot even lift his arm to salute his fellow brethren. And you make jokes. Is it any wonder how "Nicolas" can sound so much like "heartless?"

I will admit that I am, at times, a rather callous individual myself. I find the Cyclops an absolutely uproarious figure in Greek mythology. And due to this fact, I regrettably giggle whenever I see someone with an eye patch. Deplorable, yes. But it is my cross to bear.

Despite my own deficiencies, I take offense to your comments about presidential hopeful John McCain because I, like him, have my own disability to endure, day in and day out. I am not sure what my fellow coworkers have told you about me. I'm sure that they have made mention of my verbose prose or my sexy way with words, but one thing I'm sure they've kept to themselves, probably because of my own inhibitions regarding the issue, is my prosthetic leg. That's right. I am currently sporting a Ossur Re-Flex VSP prosthetic. And I am proud of it. So I will not stand for your lack of compassion. Literally. Now, I will make a list of the many benefits of having a fake leg:

1) It is a great conversation starter
2) It can be used as a beer drinking device, much like "Das Boot" in Beerfest
3) I don't have to worry about losing my leg... again.
4) I tell children that I am half-cyborg
5) If no bottles are available, a good game of "Spin The Foot" is a great way to kiss that girl you've had your eye on for some time
6) I can tell people that I used to be a pro surfer... before the shark attack.
7) When intoxicated, I can remove it an use it for air guitar
8) If a DC mugging can occur, it makes for a great clubbing device - for either side of the attack

Alright man, I'm sorry. I'm totally kidding. I've got two legs and they're spectacular. My vertical leap is somewhere in the range of 43 inches. I am 5'8" and I can dunk a basketball on a regulation hoop. Alright fine, I'm lying again. Really, there's nothing especially cool about any disabilities. And me making even further light of the issue by lying about a physical handicap is probably just a surefire way to secure my penthouse suite in hell. C'est la vie, no? Besides, I've heard the smell from the inside of a fake leg could take out a bull elephant.

Seriously though, John McCain is a badass. The whole purpose of this email was to hopefully teach you a brief lesson about what can happen... if you keep lowering Karissa’s chair. CHECKMATE!

Sincerely,
T.Q. Fischer
...yes, all the rumors are true...

SteveChat - Episode 6

2009-03-08T22:59:00.000-04:00

TyQuiF: just wanted to let you know, every time boyko's away message says "gym" it means he's doing push-ups and sit-ups in his room
Sleepo285: serious?
TyQuiF: yep
TyQuiF: slimmer and them told me
Sleepo285: wow
Sleepo285: don't get me wrong, there's nothing bad about sit ups and push ups... especially compared to my routine... but at least say "working out" and leave it ambiguous
TyQuiF: seriously... dont try to fool people into thinking you have a gym membership... its not that important
Sleepo285: one time his message was "at the gym getting thoughs D's"
Sleepo285: thoughs
TyQuiF: oh dont get me started on his spelling
Sleepo285: i was perplexed... he's smart enough to know about the silent gh in the word though... but he adds an s and tries to make it into the word those
TyQuiF: hahahaha
Sleepo285: he really went the extra mile to be stupid there
TyQuiF: oh, and just so you know, whenever my away message says "gym" it really means i'm at the gym... but it also means i'm going to masturbate furiously afterwards
Sleepo285: hahaha
Sleepo285: that probably goes for any away message you put up
TyQuiF: sadly, this is true
TyQuiF: alright man, i am actually going to the gym right now
Sleepo285: alright
Sleepo285: enjoy the after party
TyQuiF: already started
Sleepo285: oh god

A Bad Idea - Day 11

2009-03-08T04:25:00.000-04:00

How Is This Even Fair?

So I'm at work, watching an illegally pirated movie online, and this picture you see here is the advertisement attached to the page. And this isn't one of those sites that keeps refreshing and updating its ads every few minutes; oh no, this one was here to stay. Let's be reasonable here. I'm only ten days into this torturous experiment. Am I really expected to endure another month, especially with advertisements like this to tempt/mock/arouse me. I need to relax. It's really not that suggestive. It's just some insanely hot chick with absolutely incredible tits. No big deal. She's just got her hair dyed to that perfect shade of trampy-blonde. She has just enough spray tan on to make you think it might actually be real. She's wearing a really nice, white, whorish dress. She's got her eyebrows plucked to that perfect thinness that make your dick look way bigger when she's tonguing your balls. Her eyes are... oh fuck it, who cares?! Look, TITS! Damn you, America, for knowing exactly what I want. There must have been some around-the-clock market research to discover that tits are what sells. Well played...

Things I Should Have Put On My Resumé

2009-03-07T11:36:00.000-05:00

Objective:
-To impress you with my beefed up, slightly exaggerated resume, only to obtain a job within your company, underperform to the point where my coworkers confuse me with an actual desk, receive constant promotions despite this fact, until eventually becoming CEO, successfully embezzling millions of dollars, forcing the company into bankruptcy, serving three months in minimum security prison, to be subsequently released and thus free to swim in my piles of money with beautiful Filipino women.

-Later, I'll probably ask if I can use you guys as a reference.

Education:
-The School of Hard Knocks. Learned how to effectively let people know that I am at their door.

-The Jimi Hendrix Experience. I played the National Anthem with my Gibson Les Paul at Woodstock '69 while tripping balls on six tabs of acid. My rendition was viewed as both controversial and inspirational.

-Now, take the above story and make the following changes:
Replace "National Anthem" with "Unbreak My Heart"
Replace "Gibson Les Paul" with "bottle of Jack Daniels"
Replace "Woodstock '69" with "a Chuck E. Cheese in Gary, Indiana"
Replace "tabs of acid" with "tabs of acid"
That was some crazy church retreat.

Honors & Activities:
-In third grade, I invented the Dunce Cap because I wanted to be a unicorn. Naturally, all the teachers thought I was retarded. I guess the whole idea kinda caught on...

Computer Skills:
-I can download pornography very fast; however, I'm currently not jacking off. So all of the keyboards in your office are safe with me!

This guy knows the deal...

A Fourteen-Hour Shift

2009-03-07T04:17:00.000-05:00

About a week ago, I put in a 14 hour shift at work so I could get some extra vacation time for a possible trip to California. It didn't go well...

5:04PM – I get in late. Shucks.

5:13PM – Rush Limbaugh is ranting on FoxNews. While I think he’s an arrogant piece of shit, he makes a good point or two. I just don't get liberalism. It's a Thai hooker without the tracheal shave.

5:15PM – "You get what you work for." Goddamn right, Rush. Still though... button up that shirt, you fat fuck.

5:30PM – I color code the keys to my desk. It was like an arts and crafts project. YAY!

5:37PM – I steal a lemonade mix packet from a coworker’s desk.

5:39PM – I decide writing updates every few minutes will make this the longest post ever. When something interesting comes up, I’ll let you know.

6:35PM – I do my first actual work of the day.

7:12PM – I order food from a placed called Wingos. I got chili and a crispy chicken sandwich. I seriously can’t wait to take a shit later.

8:30PM – My shift partner comes in for the beginning of our usual 9PM shift an entire half hour early. Seriously?! A half hour early? On a Saturday? That's the kinda shit that impresses David Helfgott's dad.

8:47PM – I realize a David Helfgott reference is probably lost on a lot of people. I immediately regret attempting the joke.

8:55PM – Mike Huckabee and his band, Capitol Offense, close out his show on FoxNews… and he is fuckin’ wailing on that bass!

9:16PM – Startled by several findings regarding the cast of Wildcats. So startled it may deserve it's own post.

9:37PM – Lesson #1 at this job: Never answer the phone. TECS hit on some pony-tailed Italian cocksucker that dealt drugs at some point. My night will be ruined because of this. I end up calling a lawyer from the Office of International Affairs, who immediately starts crying like a whiny little bitch because it’s 10PM and he was about to go to bed. I’m not even exaggerating – I legitimately thought he might start crying over the phone.

11:40PM – Chuck Carswell is the most powerful human being on earth.

11:55PM – Finally. After almost a dozen emails and twice as many phone calls, this stupid fucking TECS hit is finished. If the guy ends up getting arrested and extradited to Italy, it will mark the first international fugitive I have helped capture. Not bad for over a year’s work.

1:25AM-1:47AM – My supervisor finally leaves and I get my first legitimate nap of the night. Your tax dollars hard at work.

2:00AM – Order food with my shift partner and begin watching The Transporter. I can’t decide which is worse: the acting or the writing. In reality, they play off each other quite well. Even on three hours of sleep, I’m wondering why they needed to hire some special courier to drive a bag full of Chinese girl 50 miles cross country.

2:05AM – Fall asleep before the first fight scene.

4:17AM – Wake up around here.

The remaining three hours were a bit of a blur. I still had a shitload of work to get done and I somehow managed to do it. What did I learn from this experience? No matter how tough a really long shift gets, there's always methamphetamine.

SteveChat - Episode 5

2009-03-06T20:55:00.000-05:00

Sleepo285: so i'm watching X-Men 2 and unfortunately Cyclops is in it
Sleepo285: so i started wondering what exactly comes out of his eyes when he shoots that laser beam
Sleepo285: ...and i decided its probably just 100% pure concentrated gayness

Sleepo285: oh man Storm is stupid
Sleepo285: Jean: Magneto's reversed cerebro... it's not targeting mutants anymore
Sleepo285: Storm: well who is it targeting??
Sleepo285: THE FUCKING HUMANS YOU DUMB BITCH
Sleepo285: (sorry)

Oh My God...

2009-03-05T11:28:00.000-05:00

Well, I found a guaranteed way to keep myself from masturbating...

Unfortunately, after seeing this, I'm pretty sure my dick is just a useless lump of cookie dough now.

In other news, few things are more inspirational than a woman having the courage to bring a fresh batch of retarded babies into the world. Bravo, lady who probably should have been deported years ago.

Links On The Left, Part 3

2009-03-05T05:27:00.000-05:00

Steve Dombek is one of my best friends. Sure, he never calls, never offers to drive, and tends to have way more time for Joey Fatone's cousin than me, but he's still my buddy. To be honest, I'm not convinced he even realizes I don't live in Connecticut anymore. Regardless, I owe a lot of my sense of humor to him and the conversations we've had, as evidenced in all of those SteveChats.

Future Pope is his blog, which he hasn't updated or added to in three years. You'll notice some posts contain material from various SteveChats. Clearly, this makes him a plagiarist. Or not. I don't know, I'm fucking tired. Besides, his hair in that profile picture makes him look all Jewey*.

I basically linked his blog because he linked mine on his. Reciprocity: it's what makes the world turn. That's why men give each other reach-arounds - it's just plain courteous.

*I've been to the Holocaust Museum three times, so I get one antisemitic joke a year.

A Bad Idea - Day 8

2009-03-05T03:03:00.000-05:00

Man... jerking off sure would be swell right about now.

Important Shit

2009-03-04T13:07:00.000-05:00

I just received the following email from a good friend of mine. Don't worry, you can't call him racist because he's brown...

"so i take a morning shit. i enjoy my morning shit. it is a pleasant experience. However, my body interprets morning as about 9:00/9:30 which means i'm already at work. Thats not so bad. The restroom is usually still fresh smelling at that hour. However, last week, a new guy started working on this floor who also take a morning shit around the time I do. I didnt get a look at him until today. That little asian bastard shits mustard gas. Serious, it sometimes make me want to get off the bowl turn around and vomit. What the hell does this viet cong eat...rotten fish sushi? motor oil soy sauce? fried guano? now dont get me wrong. i love asians. I went through a phase of dating only slanty eyes me so horny women...let me tell ya good times, and I enjoy the house fried rice like the next guy. Seriously though....i need to find a new bathroom for my morning shits. This upsets me and my bowels."

SteveChat - Episode 4

2009-03-03T01:09:00.000-05:00

Sleepo285: oh good god... i just looked up and saw a huge fat chick walking towards me and she was reaching into the front pocket of her sweatshirt and pulling out mini donuts and stuffing them in her fat face
Sleepo285: oh god
TyQuiF: hahaha
Sleepo285: i'm not even sure if they're packaged
Sleepo285: or if they're just loose in her pocket
TyQuiF: thats ridiculous
Sleepo285: maybe she has more than just donuts in there, like a grab bag of all her favorite snacks
Sleepo285: and its a surprise each time she reaches in
Sleepo285: mmmm... a donut... mmmm... a pretzel.... mmmmm... a cheesesteak sandwich
TyQuiF: hahahahh
Sleepo285: your only laughing cuz your not here to see how revolting she was
TyQuiF: this is true
Sleepo285: i just pray her bottomless cavern of snacks doesn't run out... lord only knows what that 500 pound monster would do if snack time was over
TyQuiF: i like making light of fat people
Sleepo285: when i do my laundry, sometimes i'll find like a quarter that fell out... do you think she finds like mini donuts in the bottom of her washing machine?
TyQuiF: all soggy in pieces
Sleepo285: and then she cries
Sleepo285: cuz she didn't get a chance to eat it

Calmer Than You Are

Jersey Lazy

Free Loggins!

This Guy Is Single?!? Part 8

Movie Trailer Confounds

Now You Know

Finally, A Vehicle!

This Guy Is Single?!? Part 7

On Hold

Links On The Left, Part 8

Funk Me Over Dat Copper Wire, Outta Sight? **UPDATE**

Guidos In The Mist, Case Study A, Episde 6

Now You Know

Guidos In The Mist, Case Study A, Episode 5

Lyrics Translated

A Real Comedian

Guidos In The Mist, Case Study A, Episode 4

Essential Personnel

Guidos In The Mist, Case Study A, Episode 3

Guidos In The Mist - Case Study A, Episode 2

Now You Know

Guidos In The Mist - Case Study A, Episode 1

Not Now, Chief... I'm In The Fuckin' Zone

For Fuck's Sake...

Why I Don't Twitter

Norm MacDonald Rules

Tim McCarver Sucks baseBalls

27.

Papa Schmidt

This Guy Is Single?!? Part 6

Links On The Left, Part 7

C'mon, Seriously Dude? UPDATE

From My Brother

Now You Know

An Incompetent Government Agency??

CSI Hate David Caruso

This Guy Is Single?!? Part 5

SteveChat - Episode 13

Random My Ass

Links On The Left, Part 6

I Take It Back, God Is A Prick

There Is A God

Cast Away Proble--AWW SHIT!

Hulk Smash.

This Guy Is Single?!? Part 4

Seriously... Fuck Canada

Now You Know

To Newport!

The 100th Post!

SteveChat - Episode 12

This Guy Is Single?!? Part 3

Pigfucker.

I'm Going To Make You A Bicycle. But I Don't Want To Make You A Bicycle...

Now You Know

Shameless Plug

Since The Ancient Times

SteveChat - Episode 11

This Guy Is Single?!? Part 2

Some Sequel Issues

Every Time Seth Rogen Laughs, I Will Stomp A Kitten To Death

Only In America

Now You Know

Comments: Enabled

Links On The Left, Part 5

This Guy Is Single?!?

The Story of a Hurricane

SteveChat - Episode 10

Randi's Promises

Really Quick

I Should've Been A Queer

A Bad Idea - Day 40

Q Is A Racist Letter, Not Person

A Bad Idea - Day 37

SteveChat - Episode 9

A Bad Idea - UPDATE

I Wonder...

Diversify Your Bonds

May Rabid Dobermans Feast On Kevin Leam's Genitals

Fuckface... Book... again

It's Madness, I Tell You!

Funk Me Over Dat Copper Wire, Outta Sight? UPDATE