Saturday, July 05, 2008

Local Man Finds The Meaning of Life, Loses It Minutes Later

Ben Bailey (who better invite me to his wedding, damn it) needed a fictional newspaper article for class so I wrote this for him. Supposed to have that "Onion" feel to it...

ROANOKE—A local Roanoke man reportedly found the meaning of life earlier this week, only to lose it several minutes later. Thirty-three year-old Rich Winters, whose friends refer to as Richie and whose foes call Richard-head, said he discovered the answer to existence’s greatest anomaly while resting under a tree on a brisk Spring day.

“I was tired from finishing my second pack of cigarettes that day so I decided to rest and collect my thoughts,” claims Winters.

Apparently, while drifting in and out of the conscious mind, Winters, a qualified paleontologist, discovered the meaning of life.

“It just came to me. I realized why we’re here, what we’re supposed to do with our lives. I discovered life isn’t just some conveyor belt we’re strapped to, slowly taking us to a horrific, and torturous death. My mind was completely lucid and I felt deeply relaxed. I passed gas and lost it. Might've stained my drawers too.”

This is not the first time Winters has lost important findings. He is well-known for his below par short-term memory and general irresponsibility. While laboring over an archaeological dig, Winters allegedly lost the shinbone of a brontosaurus. His co-workers and friends all recognize Winters extreme negligence.

“Oh yeah, I remember one time Richie and I went to pick up some brews for the football game,” comments long-time friend and convicted sex offender Jarvis D’Marco, “Once we got back to his house, Richie realized he left his four year-old son at the supermarket. We never did find out what happened to the wandering little bastard.”

In addition to losing his only child, Winters is also notorious for misplacing his car keys, losing the remote control, and forgetting to zip up his fly. Winters once confessed to a friend that he loses things “faster than a sorority sister loses her self-respect at a keg party.” Although he does regret forgetting the meaning of life, Winters has taken the situation with a grain of salt.

Concluded Winters: “I think I can go on without it. As long as they don’t raise the price on Marlboro Reds and that strange kid at the grocery store stops asking to come home with me, I think I’ll be happy.”


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