Thursday, September 30, 2010

Jersey Lazy

I admit it, I suck. I never finished Guidos In The Mist last season and this year's Jersey Shore is already like seven episodes deep. I've been slacking hard. But that doesn't mean I haven't been watching Jersey Shore. It's still the most unbridled batch of ridiculousness ever. To let you know what I think of this season thus far, here is an email exchange between my sister and I...

I hate Sammi so fucking much. Just watched the latest episode. Here's my take...

>> You're right - Paulie is fucking awesome. Dude has gotten exponentially funnier each episode. The "cabs are here" dance and his Snookie impersonation = Win.

>> The Situation is still the man, although doing push-ups or any kind of "pump up" exercise before going out is ultimately ineffective.

>> I really hope Ronnie just keeps on cheating on Sam throughout the season. That cunt is unbearable.

>> J-WOWW better get a rematch. I think she would fucking annihilate Sam given another chance.

>> Snookie is... well, at least she's finally getting plowed this season. Poor bitch couldn't buy a lay last season.

>> Angelina is gross on so many levels. Voice, appearance, personality. I still maintain that she is the reason for that earthquake in Haiti.

The End.


P.S. HAHAHAHAHAHAH... Admittedly, I wrote most of the above before watching the entire episode. This gem was priceless: "Can we stop so Vinnie can buy a Fossil watch? Tryin to get in there, bro." Jesus... and then he finishes with the Staten Island dump line. More Paulie. Dude rules.

I hate her too, but a lot of my friends want her to kick Jwoww's ass because they think Jwoww is a bully. I think she can be, but only when she needs to be. I think JWoww is a good friend and she and Snooki got screwed with this whole letter thing. I hate it when someone gets cheated on and blames other people instead of their girlfriend or boyfriend who actually broke their trust, etc.

I would be fine if Sammi and Angelina never came back. Actually, I think Angelina is not coming back for season 3.

Oh god, did you really have to get all analytical with it, Jules? "I think JWoww is a good friend and she and Snooki got screwed with this whole letter thing." Before we delve into the psyche and emotions of these characters, let's keep one thing in mind: they're not human. It's a widely known fact that the guido is of an entirely different strand of species. One comprised of Axe body spray, hair gel, increased artificial melanin, sweat, and fruit-flavored vodka. To even suggest they share the emotions with actual people is an insult to our genome. Now, onto business...

I guess I can see where J-Woww can be a bully, but I like to think she's just insane. Your friends must be crazy, too, though. Even if someone disagrees with the actions of a "bully," how could they prefer Sammi's horseshit? Fuck, if it were up to me, I'd have Vlad The Impaler reincarnated to mangle that cunt. And Sammi getting mad about the letter rather than Ronnie's actions just proves my universal point: Women are fucking crazy.

The producers love Angelina because she is a drama machine. I doubt it would happen, but I'd love to see her get punched in the face this season. Preferably by Mike Tyson. Wearing diamond-studded brass knuckles.


Thursday, August 12, 2010

Free Loggins!

Sweet fuck, I'm busy at work tonight. Well, let me clarify: I have a lot of work to do. I'm not doing it, so technically, I'm not busy. But if I were actually doing what I get paid for, you can bet your ass I'd be pretty busy right now.

Still, I had to take a break from not doing anything to discuss the below music video.

1) For starters, I am seriously questioning that prison's security measures. Loggins escape wasn't nearly on par with that of Tango & Cash. But I guess Kenny was driven by the unstoppable power of love. Besides, you think a chain-link fence is gonna hold this guy?

2) I shamefully admit that I've never been a fugitive from the law, but if I ever was, you can rest assured I would take Loggins approach. Make sure I have an epic beard going, steal a piece of shit car, sing some song extra loud while driving down the street, and then get out of the car, bang on the hood, and sing even louder. He's so low-key he should be an international spy.

3) Let's start breaking down the charges: A) Escape from a federal penitentiary, B) Grand theft auto, and C) Wearing a leather jacket over a sleeveless white t-shirt. If he gets caught, he's probably looking at 120 years minimum.

4) Holy shit! At 1:35 one of those gang members has a pair of nunchucks. Thank god the director made sure an Asian played that role. Authenticity is crucial, which is why David Carradine playing Caine in Kung Fu was Kung stupid.

5) Okay, who the fuck is the guy with glasses at 1:49? Is that the kid from Freaks & Geeks? And if so, why are he and Kenny Loggins friends?

6) At 2:01 Kenny reveals why he was in prison in the first place. Clearly, he's a rapist.

7) Okay, apparently she loves him (or she's scared he'll rape her and kill her... or kill her and then rape her) so they run off together. Oh, two lovebirds running from the law - how romantic! Of course, the moment is totally ruined when the camera zooms in on her disapproving father at 2:39. Dear lord is he ugly. I need to staple a picture of that guy to the side of my head so women will find me far more attractive by comparison.

4) Probably the best part of the video: he's a wanted fugitive with what appears to be an underage girl, and they're just casually strolling down the street, fully aware that law enforcement authorities are chasing them down like rabid bloodhounds. And instead of heading for the border, they decide to catch the next showing of Footloose. What better way to run from the law than to be inspired by some good ol' fashioned punch-dancing.

5) Oh shit, Johnny Law is closing in on them! Time to run to the roof of a building - always the optimal escape route.

6) Alright, so the hoodlums who were giving Kenny shit in the beginning are now bum-rushing the cops. You know, the cops armed with shotguns and M16's and shit. Interesting plot twist. Still curious to see how Kenny and his slam-piece get out of this one.

7) Check 3:27. WHO THE FUCK IS THIS DUDE WITH THE GLASSES?! In fact, I have several questions: Who is he? How did he get on top of the roof? Why does he always grab one of Kenny's shoulders from behind to startle him? How come he knows the perfect escape route? Why does he look like the stereotypical computer programmer from the 80's? You just know that little fuck is going to invent Google and make millions, but he'll still be too fucking snobby to just get LASEK surgery and buy button-down shirts with long sleeves.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

This Guy Is Single?!? Part 8


Saturday, June 26, 2010

Movie Trailer Confounds

Here we have the movie trailer for Easy A, starring Emma Stone and a collection of other young attractive people that apparently all go to the same school...

I have some issues with this movie that I'm going to address in - you guessed it - list format.

1) Thank God Emma Stone has finally gotten a leading role. I've had a thing for this chick since Superbad and now that Kellie Pickler decided to get engaged to some asshole who's trying really hard to look like Sting, I've been looking for a new muse.

Best. WTF. Ever.

2) Regarding Easy A, let's face it, the movie is just another derivative of Can't Buy Me Love, but this time sex is a major focal point. And I can respect that. And least that boner-biter Nick Cannon isn't in this one.

3) I don't like the literary connection to The Scarlett Letter because that book sucked major dick - just like Hester! Ohhhhh snap, Hawthorne, I just fucking roasted your whorish heroine.

4) Holy shit, it's Lowell from Wings!

5) Okay, here's where I get confused: Emma plays Olive, a girl who isn't popular and just kinda blends in or whatever. In the trailer, we're led to believe Marianne (played by Amanda Bynes and her increasingly large nose) is the popular girl. But then later in the trailer, it seems Marianne is an abstinent Bible-humper. Since when are the girls who don't put out the popular ones? Seems counter-intuitive.

6) I guess that's it. And now a picture of Emma Stone eye-fucking the shit out of me...

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Now You Know

In case you were wondering...

I'm worried about this BP oil crisis. Something like 152 MILLION gallons leaked so far. This is tragic. My biggest concern: will any of that gas ever find its way into my car?

And now you know.

P.S. Widgets are fun!


Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Finally, A Vehicle!

Michael Showalter is funny. Simple as that. Luckily, your opinion doesn't mean shit, so if you happen to disagree, it doesn't matter. Some of you may remember him from Wet Hot American Summer, "The State", The Baxter, or the short-lived Comedy Central series "Stella". He runs with the typical David Wain crew: Paul Rudd, Elizabeth Banks, Ken Moreno, Michael Ian Black, and so on. Hell, even Bradley Cooper was in WHAM (the above-mentioned movie, not George Michael and Andrew Ridgeley's super awesome music duo).

Anyways, most of these people's careers are burgeoning to some degree or another, either through acting (Rudd/Banks/Cooper), directing (Wain), or writing (Moreno). However, it always seemed I rarely saw anything happen with Showalter.** Fret not, for the tools at College Humor gave him his own bit called "The Michael Showalter Showalter". Classic.

NOTE: This is very similar to Zach Galifianakis's "Between Two Ferns" which is also great, so be sure to check that out as well. I'm quite sure both of these series were developed specifically for people who want to slack off at work.

The Michael Showalter Showalter w/ Paul Rudd

The Michael Showalter Showalter w/ Zach Galifianakis

The Michael Showalter Showalter w/ Michael Cera

The Michael Showalter Showalter w/ Andy Samberg

The Michael Showalter Showalter w/ Jack McBrayer

The Michael Showalter Showalter w/ David Cross

The Michael Showalter Showalter w/ David Wain

The Michael Showalter Showalter w/ Mike Birbiglia

**Apparently, he and Michael Ian Black have a show now that's hilarious, but I haven't seen it. I don't have cable, eat me.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

This Guy Is Single?!? Part 7