Monday, March 30, 2009

I Wonder...

Some people have told me that this experiment to not play with myself for 40 days is unhealthy. Personally, I'm a bit torn. I'm not quite sure which will be worse for my health: the psychological trauma from 40 days of abstinence or the massive physical damage my dick is going to endure once I finally can jack it again.

I wonder...


Sunday, March 29, 2009

Diversify Your Bonds


...despite all my rants and raves riddled with racism (holy shit, alliteration rules!), I have plenty of brown friends. I look like a goddamn sunspot whenever I take pictures with them, though...

Hey, wait a minute, what's this...

This is my attractive face.

I think it's quite clear that I'm admired and adored by all races. 

It's just not mutual.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

May Rabid Dobermans Feast On Kevin Leam's Genitals

Terrible news, people. Yes, Conan O'Brien had to drop the masturbating bear, but that's not it. Michael Kelly, one of my favorite writers and a big reason why I write the nonsense you read here, has had his website pulled by the content provider - some limey cunts called Orange-Freeserve. Why? Because of some hackshit fuckface plagiarizing cockbite named Kevin Leam.

Our hero, Mr. Kelly, recaps the events in detail here.

In the most basic of terms, Kevin Leam is a heaping pile of dog shit. He has his own blog on MySpace. Of course, to call it "his" would be a stretch because a majority - if not all - of its content is stolen from either Michael Kelly or other people who actually possess talent. Long story short, here's what kind of sort of went down once our dear Mr. Kelly became aware of Leam's treachery...

  1. Michael Kelly posts this on his website.
  2. He threatens legal action against Leam.
  3. He opts against it and hopes Leam will find the grace to apologize and remove the clearly stolen material.
  4. Leam sends a complaint to webserver that hosts Mr. Kelly's site. Note: There is no way to prove it was Leam who sent said complaint, but he did. Because he's a devious cunt.
  5. Blah blah blah, the cunts at Orange-Freeserve pull Mr. Kelly's site, siding with a known plagiarist. Real classy, fellas.
  6. Michael Kelly has moved his site here and will hopefully be reposting all of his original material.
  7. Kevin Leam remains unpunished. And incredibly ugly. Note: It's only defamation if it's not true. Dude is a goblin.

Only in a world this shitty can a brilliant scribe such as Michael Kelly get totally fucked by this deceitful sun-dried tomato dick-cheese. Sadly, there is little we can do to remedy this situation. I won't advocate violence against Leam because... well, he lives in England and that's just too long of a flight to put the business end of a claw-hammer into some dipshit's eye socket.

My only suggestion would be to support Michael Kelly by visiting his website and purchasing some of the books he has recently published...

My Godawful Life: Abandoned. Betrayed. Stuck To The Window.

Ulrich Haarburste's Novel of Roy Orbison in Clingfilm

I promise you won't regret purchasing either one. Mainly because all of the content, ideas, and words are not fucking plagiarized by some vegertarian scrotum-stretcher.

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Friday, March 27, 2009

Fuckface... Book... again

Well I reactivated my Facebook account again. Does it mean I take it up the ass? No, but it can't be too far off. This will be a trial run. Not sure how long I can stand knowing I'm a part of such... Jesus, I can't even come up with the right derogatory term for it. I find it that deplorable.

It's even more dangerous considering how much free time I have at work. Still, I think for productivity's sake, instead of just looking at profiles of people I would rather see trapped in a grisly bus accident, I can go through and start deleting these people from my friend list. Because fuck them.

Facebook really isn't for me. And I think Jesse said it best: "If nothing else, it's a good way to keep track of your upcoming victims." It sure is, Jesse. It sure is...


It's Madness, I Tell You!

Oh my god, how crazy has this year's NCAA college basketball tournament been?! It's been filled with crazy upsets, three-point shots, and the occasional slam dunk! What a wild ride for all of these highly-paid athletes! With all of the commotion and hype, this tournament has been - dare I say - complete and utter madness! I know. I'm excited, too.

Okay fine. I admit it. I haven't watched one fucking game. Normally, I'd be pretty interested in watching as much of the tournament as possible, but this year I've either been too busy or I just don't know how to turn on the new TV in the basement. It's one of those reasons - I'll leave you to decide which.

I had some free time tonight so I checked out the status of the tournament. Here's my breakdown of what's gone on so far...
  • It is goddamn near fucking impossible for me to print out a stupid fucking bracket so I can make funny comments about this stupid fucking tournament.
  • Not one of the 16-seeds won in the first round. And yet people cry about expanding the tournament to include more teams. Sure, it would give more teams a chance to play in front of the whole country, but another way of saying that would be, "It would totally give more teams a chance to get absolutely obliterated... on national television!"
  • As of right now, five Big East teams are still in, three of which are already in the Elite Eight. Meanwhile, guess how many ACC teams are still in? That's right. Just one. Bitches.
  • Not only did Duke lose earlier tonight, they got blasted in the ass by Villanova 77-54. That's a 23 point ass-blasting. You have to pay double for that kind of action in a German sex parlor. Duke shot 27% from the field and 19% from three-point range. And I even rounded up for those pussies. Eat my shit, Shuhsheffskee, you phonetic-hating fuck.
  • News has come to light that UConn may have used some shifty recruiting practices. Big deal. Half of UConn's recruits end up in jail anyways. I say live and let live. And let steal and cheat. So long as UConn wins.
  • UNC seems to be rolling along quite nicely. While they may pose a threat to my beloved Huskies, we can all find comfort in knowing that they played Radford in the first round. That pretty much guarantees that Tyler Hansbrough has herpes. I reckon it's not easy doing a crossover during a flair-up.
  • Once again, in case I didn't make my point: the Big East fucking owns. Bitches.

Hopefully, this will help enhance your viewing of the remaining games of this ABSOLUTELY MAD tournament. It may help to print out this little diddy and keep it stapled to your bracket, which is probably failing miserably right now.

Stay alert because I'm working on a post regarding my self-abstinence, which will involve an article written by the very sensible and logical people of the Mormon religion.

Friday, March 20, 2009

A Bad Idea - Day 23

To borrow from Fire Joe Morgan, I'm going to display the battle between what I may be saying these days and what I'm actually thinking...

Q: You know, not masturbating for 40 days isn't such a bad idea.
Q's Brain: Are you fucking mental?! This sucks balls. And not mine.

Q: This will leave me more time to read and catch up on my correspondence.
Q's Brain: Face it, asshole, you can barely read. And Pickler's lawyers already filed a cease and desist.

Q: Seriously, there's no reason to even masturbate.
Q's Brain: I've got one: Hannah Hilton.

Q: This will give me time to buckle down and focus on my career.
Q's Brain: Hmmmm... so it's international fugitives, nightshift, and unbridled boredom... or... Hannah Hilton, all-natural, blonde, tits...

Q: Lord knows I earned that promotion.
Q's Brain: I should have done a before & after weighing of my balls.

Q: Perhaps I can wash my car.
Q's Brain: I should install tinted windows because if Day 40 passes and I'm in transit, I will not hesitate.

Q: To be perfectly honest, masturbation is totally overrated.
Q's Brain: Yeah, that's why the porn industry is totally plummeting right now.

Q: What reason could I possible have to lock myself in a room and shamefully pleasure myself?
Q's Brain: Well, I already mentioned Hannah Hilton. How about... Jenaveve Jolie, Lela Star, Lanny Barbie, Audrey Bitoni, Devon, Devon Michaels, Savannah Stern, Rachel Roxxx, Rachel Starr, Roxy Jezel, Roxy Deville, Jaclyn Case, Lacey Duvalle, Krystal Steal, Courtney Cummz, Brittney Skye, Lucy Lee (Asian), Lucy Lee (Czech), Austin Kincaid, Tera Patrick, Tera Wray, Tory Lane, Vanessa Lane, Cody Lane, Priya Rae, Gina Lynn, Gianna Lynn, Adrenalyn, Asia Carrera, Anna Malle (may she rest in peace), Tawny Roberts, Jenna Haze, Jenna Jameson, Tanya James, Jayden James, Jesse Jane, Daisy Marie, Phoenix Marie, Lichelle Marie, Michelle Maylene, Shyla Stylez, Eva Angelina...

Q: I just have to keep myself occupied. I can't let my mind wander.
Q's Brain: ..Sativa Rose, Bree Olson, Nikki Benz, Nikki Rhodes, Katie Morgan, Mason Moore, Mariah Milano, Mindy Main, Stephanie Cane, Sylvia Saint, Ashley Blue, Abbey Brooks, Brooke Banner, Brooke Haven, Brianna Banks, Lisa Ann, Amy Ried, Shawna Lenee, Halia Hill, Rhylee Richards, Renae Cruz, Tessa West, Charley Chase...


Monday, March 16, 2009

SteveChat - Episode 8

In tonight's episode, Steve converses with one of those AIM Bots...

Sleepo285: there's a SantaClaus screen name now, kinda like that SmarterChild thing... here's my conversation:

Sleepo285: hey
SantaClaus: Hey. Are you getting in the Christmas sprit?
Sleepo285: i'm a Jew
SantaClaus: Cool. You in that Festival of Lights spirit?
Sleepo285: yeah
SantaClaus: Excellent! Here's wishing you and your family a healthy and happy holiday season. Now type menu for fun and games that everyone can enjoy.
Sleepo285: don't belittle my people, Nick
SantaClaus: Take a moment, collect your thoughts, and try asking me another way. O.K. ?
Sleepo285: Don't FUCK with the Jews
SantaClaus: I'm only asking you to ask me another way. No need to get so testy.
Sleepo285: yeah you sit there at the North Pole and laugh it up
SantaClaus: Without a doubt?
Sleepo285: how's the weather there?
SantaClaus: Oh dear, how should I know?
Sleepo285: oh i get it, you don't like small talk, unless it's about killing Jews
SantaClaus: Cool. OK, let's see if you can complete this Hanukka quiz:
What comes next in this holiday-oriented sequence? nun, gimel, heh ??
Sleepo285: i'm not gonna set up the punch line to one of your anti-Semetic knee-ticklers, dick
SantaClaus: It's Shin!
Sleepo285: I'm gonna kill you


Sunday, March 15, 2009

He Never Lies

So I've become a big fan of the song "The Instrumental" by Lupe Fiasco. It's got a kickass beat and the dude can definitely flow better than the average bullshit you hear on the radio these days (I'm looking at you, Kanye, you Best-Dressed nut-cupper). Unfortunately, since my work computer is about as cool this, I have to find random versions of the song on youtube or Google video. As I said, I'm a big fan of this song. That is, until I saw this...

It appears to be some innocent video project a few European kids did. But as I'm sure you can imagine, several things irked me about the whole thing. Allow me elaborate - in list form!

1) Why the fuck is McLovin playing the rapper? Of all of the nerds featured in this afterbirth of a video, why him? Why not the mutton-chop scientist? It doesn't even look like Fogel here knows the lyrics, let alone can even speak to a girl without awkwardly saying he'd like her to be a hood ornament for his dick.

2) What's with the gay kid's reflective walk across town (yes, he's clearly gay)? I'm still trying to uncover the message they're trying to convey. It's like the moral of the video is to wear faggy sweaters and constantly stare off into the distance, contemplating your own flamehood. We would have also accepted "flame-itude."

3) Seriously, were they really trying to "change the world" with this video? Were those messages on the cardboard signs supposed to make me think twice about authority, conformity, and other words with that suffix? It wasn't working for me. Typically, people holding cardboard signs are these people. They don't make much of a difference until you're caught burying one in your backyard, which can totally ruin your neighbor's nephew's Bar Mitzvah. In my defense, they're the ones who asked that I don't put up a fence. I can't be held accountable for what they see afterwards.

So anyways, I was terrified that I may never be able to enjoy this song again. I was terribly vexed. And then I found this video...

Sweet Christ, he's good. I don't know how I know, but I guarantee this guy can pleasure a woman better than me.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

I Wonder...

How exactly did the season finale of Everybody Loves Raymond go? How do you end a show like that? Do all of the characters stop being annoying? Does everyone suddenly become funny and then the show just ends?

I wonder...


Friday, March 13, 2009

A Retraction

I know what you're thinking...

...but no, this isn't a picture of a ghost taking a dump.

This is, in fact, a former meteorologist. I know, I found it hard to believe, too. What's even harder to stomach is how vindictive I've been towards the entire meteorological community. I mean, if one of their own can look this sexy while dropping a (most likely) monstrous shit, then perhaps I've judged them too soon. Maybe I was wrong about weather people. Maybe I was wrong about a lot of things. I don't know about you, but photographs of women pooping really make me think...

One thing I have learned from all of this: if you screw with the people who predict the weather, you better be prepared for a storm...


Hahaha... oh man, that joke was cheap. But totally worth it.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Links On The Left, Part 4

First of all, have any of you noticed that all of the links happen to be on the right side of the page? Sure, I'm a colossal fucking moron for that, but I assumed that among the three of you reading out there, you could've figured that one out. I can't hold your hands through everything...

Anyways, today I am talking about CrossFit is a General Physical Preparedness (GPP) program that has essentially changed my life. With any luck, I'll drop this shithole government job and open my own gym someday. Just like White Goodman.

CrossFit's basic principles revolve around Constantly Varied Functional Movements Executed at High Intensity. Basically, it's harder than whatever you're currently doing. CrossFit's definition of fitness is increased work capacity across broad time and modal domains. The ability to move large loads quickly in a variety of ways is fitness, so to speak. Sure, Lance Armstrong can ride a bike for days, but I wouldn't ask the guy to shovel my driveway during a nor'easter. Dude's a fuckin' stringbean. Meanwhile, the douche-bag meathead at your local gym may be able to bench press 500 pounds, but I'll bet he can't do more than 10 pull-ups. Better yet, I guarantee he can't run a sub-8 minute mile.

The idea of CrossFit is to be good at everything. Fitness-related only, unfortunately. If only it made people better at nailing countless numbers of women...

Just the other day, I did a 30 minute workout in which I ended up doing 120 pull-ups, 120 ring dips, and 345 sit-ups. Shit was brutal. Even worse were the two raspberries I got on the top of my ass cheeks. My shit was rubbed raw. It looks like attempted entry wounds.

I felt a lot like this...

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SteveChat - Episode 7

TyQuiF: u can see it in my webshots
Sleepo285: i dont look at your webshots
TyQuiF: why not?
Sleepo285: because i feel gay enough for belonging to facebook, i dont wanna get involved with all this other crap... first its webshots, then its myspace, then its my own personal webcam where i strip for money
Sleepo285: its a slippery slope


Review: Watchmen

Oh, what a treat to see Zach Snyder pulling material directly from the pages of brilliant men. I'm not even trying to be a dick. So many cockbag directors out there try so hard to be different. Or they're just downright fuck-all terrible. See: Mark Steven Johnson. Snyder knows what he's doing. Take as much of the good shit from the source material as possible and put it on the screen. And in my opinion, he did a kickass job with both 300 and Watchmen, in that respect.

Yes, the sex scene was essentially pointless and the song used was absurd. But hey, at least we get see Malin Akerman naked... again. Man, I swear when this bitch gets signed to a project, she almost immediately asks the director, "Hey, can I show my tits in this?!" Between her and Carla Gugino, you'd think Eden never collapsed.

I bet that's not Billy Crudup's real penis. Obviously, his real penis is WAY bigger.

Give Jackie Earle Haley an Oscar. Or something that actually matters. Like an aircraft carrier. With a helicopter on it. And inside the helicopter, Lindsay Lohan is naked, bound, and gagged. With duct tape. He deserves it!

Okay, now as much as I enjoyed the movie and Billy Crudup's Carolina blue cock, I found a few flaws...

First of all, the air conditioning was broken at the movie theatre so I sweat my fucking balls off. This wouldn't have been as bad if the movie wasn't two hours and thirty-five minutes long. I was sweating like Madonna during a Filthy Cunt Hunt.

I would have to say the worst part of the movie for me personally would be the black people next to and behind me that wouldn't SHUT THE FUCK UP. I seriously don't get it. Alright, people, prepare for a rant...

Where does this come from? Why is it only black people that do it? I've never left a movie theatre and thought, "Man, I wish that Portuguese couple kept quiet." It's un-fucking-believable. They know it's rude because they've definitely been shushed at the movies before. Oh, they've been fucking shushed. I'm not trying to say that all black people do this because I know they don't. But the ones that do? Please stop fucking up my movies.

Is this some sort of twisted, diabolical payback for slavery? Hey, slavery sucked. I feel bad (not really). But ya know what? You were never a fucking slave. Shit, your grandparents probably weren't even slaves. So stop fucking up my movies.

Seriously. Did I go to the Inauguration and talk while Balack Obama gave his speech? No, so stop fucking up my movies. Did you see what I did there? With the small "a" and bold text? Pretty clever, huh?

It's so fucking frustrating. It just makes no sense to me. I got to a point where I almost leaned over my armrest and calmly whispered into the guy's ear, "Hey, if you guys don't shut those watermelon traps, there is going to be a hate crime. So stop. Fucking. Up. My. Movie."

All I'm saying is this: if the government really biochemically engineered AIDS and crack to kill/control black people, it's not working. Not one bit. Because my movies are fucked.

DISCLAIMER: Some of you may not know me very well. I assure you that I do not mean all of this. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I am completely not racist... for the most part.


Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Important Poop

So my brown friend emailed me again. Let me tell you a couple things about him:

1) He's brown
2) He's an IT consultant (big surprise)
3) He doesn't drink
4) He drives an Audi and has a hot girlfriend (show-off)

Apparently, his girlfriend found his email about an Asian shitting mustard gas a bit vulgar. So, naturally, he decided to send me a PG-rated version...

"so i have a daily ritual of a taking a morning poop. Around 9/9:30 my body just senses the need to relieve its solid waste, but that means that i'm usually at work...that is those mornings that i decided to be a good employee and show up to work and not play hookie and head to mi casa to sit on the couch and watch movies. SO the morning, the mens room on this floor is still quite decent...usually still clean, well stocked, and smelling fresh. But this week, someone else has been invading my territory. A new guy starting working who also uses this restroom for his morning business...and let me tell ya...his business is the dirty, underhanded, two-bit, up to no good kind of business. This guy was a mystery until today...its some awkward lanky asian guy thats pooping up the the Apocalypse. I dont like it...i might need to venture to the restroom on the fifth floor to regain my peace."

"after writing that i felt castrated. i might need to start drinking."

Things I Shouldn't Have Put On My Resumé

- works well with others

- washes hands thoroughly after eating Cheetos

- enjoys sitting at a desk for long periods of time

- totally not racist

- no interest in using work computer to download snuff-style pornography

- responds well to authority

- will not steal from coworkers' desks

- completely fine with giving up weekends at the ripe age of 24

- does not have terrible-smelling farts

- prefers Luke Wilson over Owen Wilson

- will not spend majority of shift writing on blog

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Attention Intern, Part 4

This was the final letter I ever wrote to one of our interns here at work. I never met the kid. I was told he kept messing with this girl Karissa's chair, so I wrote up the following just to mess with him. He apparently threw a massive hissy fit and my supervisor told me I could no longer write notes to the interns. That kid works here now. And every day, I debate leaving a severed head on his desk.

It pains me to know that you don't know me. If you did, perhaps your outlook on various matters would shift, hopefully towards the more positive end of the spectrum. It is quite a shame really. I imagine you are a fine upstanding gentleman. Why, you must be in order to have attained such a prestigious internship. It is quite amazing what one can learn about another through his or her words, in jest or otherwise.

It has recently been brought to my attention that you made some crack about John McCain's inability to raise his arms above his head. While you may have simply been poking fun at one of his mannerisms, I feel that you failed to recognize the sheer lack of empathy in your remarks. Please research how such a disability came his way. Go on. Google it. I'll wait.

Did you see? Five years in a Vietnamese POW camp. Tortured daily. And now, one of our nation’s most recognized war heroes cannot even lift his arm to salute his fellow brethren. And you make jokes. Is it any wonder how "Nicolas" can sound so much like "heartless?"

I will admit that I am, at times, a rather callous individual myself. I find the Cyclops an absolutely uproarious figure in Greek mythology. And due to this fact, I regrettably giggle whenever I see someone with an eye patch. Deplorable, yes. But it is my cross to bear.

Despite my own deficiencies, I take offense to your comments about presidential hopeful John McCain because I, like him, have my own disability to endure, day in and day out. I am not sure what my fellow coworkers have told you about me. I'm sure that they have made mention of my verbose prose or my sexy way with words, but one thing I'm sure they've kept to themselves, probably because of my own inhibitions regarding the issue, is my prosthetic leg. That's right. I am currently sporting a Ossur Re-Flex VSP prosthetic. And I am proud of it. So I will not stand for your lack of compassion. Literally. Now, I will make a list of the many benefits of having a fake leg:

1) It is a great conversation starter
2) It can be used as a beer drinking device, much like "Das Boot" in Beerfest
3) I don't have to worry about losing my leg... again.
4) I tell children that I am half-cyborg
5) If no bottles are available, a good game of "Spin The Foot" is a great way to kiss that girl you've had your eye on for some time
6) I can tell people that I used to be a pro surfer... before the shark attack.
7) When intoxicated, I can remove it an use it for air guitar
8) If a DC mugging can occur, it makes for a great clubbing device - for either side of the attack

Alright man, I'm sorry. I'm totally kidding. I've got two legs and they're spectacular. My vertical leap is somewhere in the range of 43 inches. I am 5'8" and I can dunk a basketball on a regulation hoop. Alright fine, I'm lying again. Really, there's nothing especially cool about any disabilities. And me making even further light of the issue by lying about a physical handicap is probably just a surefire way to secure my penthouse suite in hell. C'est la vie, no? Besides, I've heard the smell from the inside of a fake leg could take out a bull elephant.

Seriously though, John McCain is a badass. The whole purpose of this email was to hopefully teach you a brief lesson about what can happen... if you keep lowering Karissa’s chair. CHECKMATE!

T.Q. Fischer
...yes, all the rumors are true...


Sunday, March 08, 2009

SteveChat - Episode 6

TyQuiF: just wanted to let you know, every time boyko's away message says "gym" it means he's doing push-ups and sit-ups in his room
Sleepo285: serious?
TyQuiF: yep
TyQuiF: slimmer and them told me
Sleepo285: wow
Sleepo285: don't get me wrong, there's nothing bad about sit ups and push ups... especially compared to my routine... but at least say "working out" and leave it ambiguous
TyQuiF: seriously... dont try to fool people into thinking you have a gym membership... its not that important
Sleepo285: one time his message was "at the gym getting thoughs D's"
Sleepo285: thoughs
TyQuiF: oh dont get me started on his spelling
Sleepo285: i was perplexed... he's smart enough to know about the silent gh in the word though... but he adds an s and tries to make it into the word those
TyQuiF: hahahaha
Sleepo285: he really went the extra mile to be stupid there
TyQuiF: oh, and just so you know, whenever my away message says "gym" it really means i'm at the gym... but it also means i'm going to masturbate furiously afterwards
Sleepo285: hahaha
Sleepo285: that probably goes for any away message you put up
TyQuiF: sadly, this is true
TyQuiF: alright man, i am actually going to the gym right now
Sleepo285: alright
Sleepo285: enjoy the after party
TyQuiF: already started
Sleepo285: oh god


A Bad Idea - Day 11

How Is This Even Fair?

So I'm at work, watching an illegally pirated movie online, and this picture you see here is the advertisement attached to the page. And this isn't one of those sites that keeps refreshing and updating its ads every few minutes; oh no, this one was here to stay. Let's be reasonable here. I'm only ten days into this torturous experiment. Am I really expected to endure another month, especially with advertisements like this to tempt/mock/arouse me. I need to relax. It's really not that suggestive. It's just some insanely hot chick with absolutely incredible tits. No big deal. She's just got her hair dyed to that perfect shade of trampy-blonde. She has just enough spray tan on to make you think it might actually be real. She's wearing a really nice, white, whorish dress. She's got her eyebrows plucked to that perfect thinness that make your dick look way bigger when she's tonguing your balls. Her eyes are... oh fuck it, who cares?! Look, TITS! Damn you, America, for knowing exactly what I want. There must have been some around-the-clock market research to discover that tits are what sells. Well played...


Saturday, March 07, 2009

Things I Should Have Put On My Resumé

-To impress you with my beefed up, slightly exaggerated resume, only to obtain a job within your company, underperform to the point where my coworkers confuse me with an actual desk, receive constant promotions despite this fact, until eventually becoming CEO, successfully embezzling millions of dollars, forcing the company into bankruptcy, serving three months in minimum security prison, to be subsequently released and thus free to swim in my piles of money with beautiful Filipino women.

-Later, I'll probably ask if I can use you guys as a reference.

-The School of Hard Knocks. Learned how to effectively let people know that I am at their door.

-The Jimi Hendrix Experience. I played the National Anthem with my Gibson Les Paul at Woodstock '69 while tripping balls on six tabs of acid. My rendition was viewed as both controversial and inspirational.

-Now, take the above story and make the following changes:
Replace "National Anthem" with "Unbreak My Heart"
Replace "Gibson Les Paul" with "bottle of Jack Daniels"
Replace "Woodstock '69" with "a Chuck E. Cheese in Gary, Indiana"
Replace "tabs of acid" with "tabs of acid"
That was some crazy church retreat.

Honors & Activities:
-In third grade, I invented the Dunce Cap because I wanted to be a unicorn. Naturally, all the teachers thought I was retarded. I guess the whole idea kinda caught on...

Computer Skills:
-I can download pornography very fast; however, I'm currently not jacking off. So all of the keyboards in your office are safe with me!

This guy knows the deal...

A Fourteen-Hour Shift

About a week ago, I put in a 14 hour shift at work so I could get some extra vacation time for a possible trip to California. It didn't go well...

5:04PM – I get in late. Shucks.

5:13PM – Rush Limbaugh is ranting on FoxNews. While I think he’s an arrogant piece of shit, he makes a good point or two. I just don't get liberalism. It's a Thai hooker without the tracheal shave.

5:15PM – "You get what you work for." Goddamn right, Rush. Still though... button up that shirt, you fat fuck.

5:30PM – I color code the keys to my desk. It was like an arts and crafts project. YAY!

5:37PM – I steal a lemonade mix packet from a coworker’s desk.

5:39PM – I decide writing updates every few minutes will make this the longest post ever. When something interesting comes up, I’ll let you know.

6:35PM – I do my first actual work of the day.

7:12PM – I order food from a placed called Wingos. I got chili and a crispy chicken sandwich. I seriously can’t wait to take a shit later.

8:30PM – My shift partner comes in for the beginning of our usual 9PM shift an entire half hour early. Seriously?! A half hour early? On a Saturday? That's the kinda shit that impresses David Helfgott's dad.

8:47PM – I realize a David Helfgott reference is probably lost on a lot of people. I immediately regret attempting the joke.

8:55PM – Mike Huckabee and his band, Capitol Offense, close out his show on FoxNews… and he is fuckin’ wailing on that bass!

9:16PM – Startled by several findings regarding the cast of Wildcats. So startled it may deserve it's own post.

9:37PM – Lesson #1 at this job: Never answer the phone. TECS hit on some pony-tailed Italian cocksucker that dealt drugs at some point. My night will be ruined because of this. I end up calling a lawyer from the Office of International Affairs, who immediately starts crying like a whiny little bitch because it’s 10PM and he was about to go to bed. I’m not even exaggerating – I legitimately thought he might start crying over the phone.

11:40PM – Chuck Carswell is the most powerful human being on earth.

11:55PM – Finally. After almost a dozen emails and twice as many phone calls, this stupid fucking TECS hit is finished. If the guy ends up getting arrested and extradited to Italy, it will mark the first international fugitive I have helped capture. Not bad for over a year’s work.

1:25AM-1:47AM – My supervisor finally leaves and I get my first legitimate nap of the night. Your tax dollars hard at work.

2:00AM – Order food with my shift partner and begin watching The Transporter. I can’t decide which is worse: the acting or the writing. In reality, they play off each other quite well. Even on three hours of sleep, I’m wondering why they needed to hire some special courier to drive a bag full of Chinese girl 50 miles cross country.

2:05AM – Fall asleep before the first fight scene.

4:17AM – Wake up around here.

The remaining three hours were a bit of a blur. I still had a shitload of work to get done and I somehow managed to do it. What did I learn from this experience? No matter how tough a really long shift gets, there's always methamphetamine.

Friday, March 06, 2009

SteveChat - Episode 5

Sleepo285: so i'm watching X-Men 2 and unfortunately Cyclops is in it
Sleepo285: so i started wondering what exactly comes out of his eyes when he shoots that laser beam
Sleepo285: ...and i decided its probably just 100% pure concentrated gayness

Sleepo285: oh man Storm is stupid
Sleepo285: Jean: Magneto's reversed cerebro... it's not targeting mutants anymore
Sleepo285: Storm: well who is it targeting??
Sleepo285: (sorry)


Thursday, March 05, 2009

Oh My God...

Well, I found a guaranteed way to keep myself from masturbating...

Unfortunately, after seeing this, I'm pretty sure my dick is just a useless lump of cookie dough now.

In other news, few things are more inspirational than a woman having the courage to bring a fresh batch of retarded babies into the world. Bravo, lady who probably should have been deported years ago.


Links On The Left, Part 3

Steve Dombek is one of my best friends. Sure, he never calls, never offers to drive, and tends to have way more time for Joey Fatone's cousin than me, but he's still my buddy. To be honest, I'm not convinced he even realizes I don't live in Connecticut anymore. Regardless, I owe a lot of my sense of humor to him and the conversations we've had, as evidenced in all of those SteveChats.

Future Pope is his blog, which he hasn't updated or added to in three years. You'll notice some posts contain material from various SteveChats. Clearly, this makes him a plagiarist. Or not. I don't know, I'm fucking tired. Besides, his hair in that profile picture makes him look all Jewey*.

I basically linked his blog because he linked mine on his. Reciprocity: it's what makes the world turn. That's why men give each other reach-arounds - it's just plain courteous.

*I've been to the Holocaust Museum three times, so I get one antisemitic joke a year.


A Bad Idea - Day 8

Man... jerking off sure would be swell right about now.


Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Important Shit

I just received the following email from a good friend of mine. Don't worry, you can't call him racist because he's brown...

"so i take a morning shit. i enjoy my morning shit. it is a pleasant experience. However, my body interprets morning as about 9:00/9:30 which means i'm already at work. Thats not so bad. The restroom is usually still fresh smelling at that hour. However, last week, a new guy started working on this floor who also take a morning shit around the time I do. I didnt get a look at him until today. That little asian bastard shits mustard gas. Serious, it sometimes make me want to get off the bowl turn around and vomit. What the hell does this viet cong eat...rotten fish sushi? motor oil soy sauce? fried guano? now dont get me wrong. i love asians. I went through a phase of dating only slanty eyes me so horny women...let me tell ya good times, and I enjoy the house fried rice like the next guy. Seriously though....i need to find a new bathroom for my morning shits. This upsets me and my bowels."

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

SteveChat - Episode 4

Sleepo285: oh good god... i just looked up and saw a huge fat chick walking towards me and she was reaching into the front pocket of her sweatshirt and pulling out mini donuts and stuffing them in her fat face
Sleepo285: oh god
TyQuiF: hahaha
Sleepo285: i'm not even sure if they're packaged
Sleepo285: or if they're just loose in her pocket
TyQuiF: thats ridiculous
Sleepo285: maybe she has more than just donuts in there, like a grab bag of all her favorite snacks
Sleepo285: and its a surprise each time she reaches in
Sleepo285: mmmm... a donut... mmmm... a pretzel.... mmmmm... a cheesesteak sandwich
TyQuiF: hahahahh
Sleepo285: your only laughing cuz your not here to see how revolting she was
TyQuiF: this is true
Sleepo285: i just pray her bottomless cavern of snacks doesn't run out... lord only knows what that 500 pound monster would do if snack time was over
TyQuiF: i like making light of fat people
Sleepo285: when i do my laundry, sometimes i'll find like a quarter that fell out... do you think she finds like mini donuts in the bottom of her washing machine?
TyQuiF: all soggy in pieces
Sleepo285: and then she cries
Sleepo285: cuz she didn't get a chance to eat it