Thursday, April 30, 2009

Some Sequel Issues

It never fails. Every single time. It doesn't matter who, when, or where. But it's pretty much guaranteed that within five minutes of meeting me, I'll bring up the Mighty Ducks Trilogy. It's not hard to see why, it's only the most perfect trilogy ever. George Lucas put out those first three Star Wars back in the 70's and was all sorts of famous/rich/bearded. The Mighty Ducks series comes along and guess what happens? George Lucas re-releases the first three Star Wars movies, Peter Jackson releases a trilogy about nature walking, and then Lucas busts out another three Star Wars flicks. I'm surprised as shit Francis Ford Coppola didn't whip out Godfather IV, V, and VI. Don't even get me started on that Harry Potter cunt.

Why did all of these movies come out? Probably in a massive conspricacy to bury my beloved Ducks under a sea of over-priced production value and special effects, to conceal their beautifully simplistic story with fantasy worlds of dragons and lasers and barefoot homos. It was simple. Everyone knew that it was literally impossible to outdo the Mighty Ducks, so they make a couple of billion dollar movies to hide the fact that they suck ass more than Goldberg does at skating.

Still, to be fair, even the Ducks have a few issues. As perfect as it is, Ducks has a few - I cringe to say the word in the same sentence - flaws. I know. It was hard for me to accept at first, too. But they are there. And it revolves around the transitioning between each of the amazingly crafted movies...

1) As we all know, in the first movie Gordon Bombay finds meaning to life by coaching the District 5 hockey team to the PeeWee Championship. That's all good and glorious, but here's where trouble starts. In the sequel, one of the most perfect movies ever crafted, D2: The Mighty Ducks, Bombay and his team are offered the chance to represent the United States in the Junior Goodwill Games. Uhhh... why? They miraculously won the PeeWee Championship for a tiny region of Minnesota and now they're good enough to represent our country in an international competition? Bear in mind, they barely even won. It came down to a fucking penalty shot by Charlie "I Wanna Blow Bombay" Conway. Talk about a longshot victory. Look at it like this: if after last year's historically epic and embarrassing season, the Detroit Lions managed to scratch and claw their way to the SuperBowl this year, win on some ridiculous Hail Mary pass with two seconds left on the clock, would we ask their starting line-up to represent America in an international football game? Fuck no! Because it was a fucking fluke and that'd be dumb as shit.

This guy knows: The 2008 Lions couldn't even beat the Hawks in a PeeWee Hockey Game.

2) Talk to any hockey player, the triple deke is not nearly as good a move as the series makes it out to be.

3) Also, here's another problem that I constantly think of: the locker room scene (2:49) before the third period. A lovely speech is given in which all of the Ducks stand up, proclaim who they are and where they come from. All of the kids from the original District 5 team yell out a bunch of different cities: Minneapolis, St. Paul, Stillwater, Brooklyn Park, and Edina. Don't get me wrong, all of these are within reasonable driving distance of one another, but let's look at the geographical facts here:

If all of those regions fall into District 5, I'm pretty sure the zoning people are huffing Elmers. Here's what the shape of District 5 looks like:

I know district zoning is usually pretty screwed up, but if you try saying that this is an actual city district, I say you have some offs to fuck.

4) So, Team USA wins the Goodwill Games in another shootout, barely beating Iceland. During the credits, they sing "We Are The Champions" around a campfire and I pleasure myself to sleep. But yet again, another issue arises between sequels. After showing such "promise" during the Goodwill Games (Fulton Reed, Dean Portman, and Kenny Wu were known as a crew of brawling thugs, by the way), they are all granted full scholarships to the prestigious Eden Hall Academy, the very school Coach Bombay attended - how poetic. Now, I'm all for this great group of kids to get a good education, but herein lies the rub: they are accepted as the Junior Varsity hockey team. Without even trying out. Uhhhh... why? According to wikipedia, "their arrival is met with hostility from the varsity team, mainly consisting of Caucasian players who are members of rich families, whose younger siblings were not accepted to the academy to make room for the Ducks." How in the fuck is that even legal? They, again, defeat a vastly superior opponent against all odds thanks to a few trick (Translation: Illegal) plays, dumb luck, and a fucking knuckle-puck, and all of the sudden they just become the JV team for Eden Hall?? So they don't have to try out? At all? Nope. They named an NHL team after them, no need for tryouts.

Bear in mind, these flaws are minimal at best. Mere tiny scratches on the paint of a wonderfully developed masterpiece of cinema. This trilogy is pretty much as close to perfect as a series of films can get. Still, the biggest problem remains a staggering one...

About one minute into this clip could possibly be one of the worst music moments in film history. Fuck it, even the Ducks can't be perfect...

Every Time Seth Rogen Laughs, I Will Stomp A Kitten To Death

Because in all honesty, the horrifying sounds of adorable baby kittens being smashed into doubly horrifying puddles would sound a million times better than this guy laughing.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a fan of Seth Rogen and his movies. But I'm worried that may only be because the people in charge of editing ensure that as little of his laughter makes it into the final cut as humanly possible. I always found him quite humorous when I first started seeing him in movies, but there was always something that irked me about him. At first, I thought it may be because he looked like the human manifestation of Shrek.

"Shrek Rogen"

But then I slowly began to realize it was his incredibly unbearable laugh that made me not fully embrace him as a top-shelf comedic actor. Still, he has a lot of great lines in a bunch of quality movies, so I let it go. Recently, my hatred for his guffaw has resurfaced.

In the special features on the DVD for Zach & Miri Make A Porno, what would have been a brilliant exchange of improvisation between Rogen and Justin Long is sullied by constantly hearing what can only be described as "a retarded Jewish rhinoceros with asthma in the midst of a coughing fit, desperately clawing for its inhaler. While shitting."

On another note, Justin Long is seriously underrated and, as far as I can tell, has a normal human laugh.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Only In America

It's a well known fact that I work for a federal agency in the United States government. It's nothing too prestigious, but it's a government job that certainly requires more intelligence than whatever this piece of shit is getting paid for. Still, I find it amazing what kind of people are employed by my particular agency. Spider monkeys could be more productive than some of these mutants. And could hold a better conversation. And I'm almost positive spider monkeys don't speak English.

Why am I going off on all of this, you're probably wondering? Well, I just overheard my supervisor, who makes roughly $50,000 more per year than I do, say this over the phone to someone:

"Why you gotta be tryin' to put me all out there like that?"

Amazing. What a country we live in...

Monday, April 20, 2009

Now You Know

In case you were wondering...

Girls who use this quote: "Laugh when you can, apologize when you should, and let go of what you can't change. Kiss slowly, play hard, forgive quickly, take chances, give everything and have no regrets. Life's too short to be anything but happy" are whores.

And now you know.


Saturday, April 18, 2009

Comments: Enabled

Holy fuck, tonight is slow. Work is moving like the conveyor belt of life. You know, covered in barbed wire, slow and unyielding, hurtling us towards our painful, terrifying end. Or whatever metaphor you prefer. Box of chocolates, riding a bycle, grindstone, etc...

Anyways, Drew told me how to change my settings on this thing so now people can leave comments, even if they don't have a blogger account. With that said, feel free to leave comments at your leisure, condemning or condoning my words. I'd prefer it if you left your name, but commenting annonymously is fine - it just means you're a pussy.

Oh, I just thought of a great metaphor for life!

Life is like banging a transexual. At first, you're excited and eager and loving every minute of it. And then, there's a horrifying realization that everything isn't really what it seems. And finally, when all seems lost, you just submit to it and ask for a blowjob instead.

Oh yeah, get ready to see that bad boy on some bumper stickers...

Links On The Left, Part 5

Yep, not changing the title. "Links On The Left" is a fucking fixture around here, people. You can't just up and change something simply because it's not accurate. Where would the world be if you couldn't stand behind known falsehoods with blind devotion? I'll tell ya where. We'd be Gymkata. I'm kidding; Gymkata fucking rules.

Onto business... What Would Tyler Durden Do? is one of the best sites on the internet. Normally, I could care less about celebrities unless I hear about them dying, which Madonna just refuses to do, but WWTDD makes it much more interesting. Brendon, the guy who writes everything on there, is another reason I decided to get back into this whole blog bullshit. Dude is goddamn hilarious. Whether he's making fun of himself, wishing for Amy Whinehouse's next overdose to finally do the trick, or commenting on how damn chunky Jennifer Love Chewitt has gotten, it's all gold.

Some memorable quotes:

"Brad must be a passionate man because the temptation to pull out on Angelina Jolie would seemingly never get old. We could have sex every day for a hundred years and she might be scared that she was barren, but she would appreciate all the pineapple juice I’ve been drinking."

"Hell, I would blow a homeless guy on stage at my high school reunion to get on top of Heidi [Klum] as many times as Seal has."

"Having an NFL cheerleader and contestant from 'the Bachelor' on a show called 'Dancing With The Stars' really pushes any rational definition of the term 'stars', but as of today Melissa Rycroft is definitely a star in my book. My book is entitled, Girls I'd Like To Fuck."

" turns out – and I did not realize this before – the one thing more uncomfortable to masturbating while looking at a dude is masturbating while looking at a dude who is you. It's like I jerked off on my twin."

And that's only going back two weeks into his archives. So stop reading US Weekly, Twitter, InTouch, Perez Hilton, or any of that other bullshit that totally sucks and just go to Tyler. He's better, cheaper, quicker, and not a fat homo with pink hair.


Thursday, April 16, 2009

This Guy Is Single?!?


Tuesday, April 14, 2009

The Story of a Hurricane

Not long ago, I posted this little diddy about an ugly coworker claiming Megan Fox wasn't attractive. I got the following response from a mysterious being known only by the vague nomenclature, "The Hurricane"

"I have to agree with your coworker that Megan Fox is not that attractive (in celebrity hotness terms). Specifically, her face is way less impressive than her body. Clearly, she is more attractive than me and 98% of people on this planet, but there is a higher standard by which to judge people who are famous, especially women.

I would rank a lot of other women above Megan Fox in terms of hotness, one of which is Marisa Miller, who I think is pretty much the definition of hot... but I guess it kind of depends on whether you like blonds or brunettes (FYI brunettes are skanks).

Oh yeah, I would also add Scarlett Johansson, Charlize Theron, Rachel Weisz, Famke Janssen, Olivia Wilde, Kristen Bell, Rachel McAdams, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Liv Tyler and Gisele Bundchen to the list of women significantly hotter than Megan Fox."

So now, I must compose a rebuttal to this assessment. I must say, Tropical Storm makes some very good points. I will concede that Megan Fox's face is not top-notch in comparison to the peak echelon of famous celebrities. Sure, she does not possess the absurd beauty or bone structure of Natalie Portman, but she is more attractive than the ladies on FoxNews and, fuck me, those bitches are sexy. But I'm a gentleman and I don't judge women on one superficial criteria. Focusing on just a woman's face is not fair - it's important to consider her legs, breasts, and ass as well. That's much more gentleman-like. And judging by those criteria, I break it down like this: I would marry Natalie Portman in an instant, but I would bang the fuck out of Megan Fox in the pope's bed with both my parents watching.

Marisa Miller is damn good example to provide. I think Google itself ejaculates when you search her name. So touché on that one. But still, she wasn't in Transformers.

Now, here is where your argument falls apart. You made some pretty decent points, Tsunami, but when you tried listing Hollywood starlets you think are more attractive than Megan Fox, everything went to shit. So I will break it down broad by broad...

Scarlett Johansson: Absolutely not. Yes, she's hot, but get a tan for christ's sake. It'd be like banging Casper. With huge tits.

Charlize Theron: Are you sure about this one? Don't get me wrong, she is amazingly beautiful, but I can't get this out of my head.

Rachel Weisz: Yes, they make Encyclopedias specifically designed to catergorize all of the outrageous shit I would do to this woman, but Constantine sucked ass.

Famke Janssen: Another hot as fuck woman, but let's look at the straight facts here: Megan is 22, Famke is 44. While this gives Famke the 22 year sexual experience advantage, it also gives me 22 more years to slay prime-ass Megan in a wide variety of Halloween costumes.

Olivia Wilde: I almost brushed this one off, but she does look pretty fucking hot in the trailer for Year One. I'll let this one go because it turns out her real name is Olivia Jane Cockburn. I bet when she was starting out it was hard to get callbacks. Few casting directors will bang a chick with a last name like that.

Kristen Bell: Alright, tiny chicks are a huge fucking turn on. This one is 5'1" and that's awesome. And sure, I'd take vacation time to root out this chick all hours of the day, but proportionally-speaking, Megan has the advantage.

Rachel McAdams: Ahhh, well played. She won the women over with The Notebook and then won the men with Wedding Crashers. She won me over with Mean Girls. But what have you done for me lately, Rachel? Besides, she's Canadian. Not to be trusted.

Catherine Zeta-Jones: Well past her prime now. She went from Entrapment to shitty T-Mobile commercials. Fuck the Google phone and fuck you, T-Mobile.

Sarah Michelle Gellar: She's hot, but c'mon. All of the shit going on in Cruel Intentions and you can't even get naked? The best you can do is make out with Selma Blair?! For fuck's sake, at least tongue Reese down or something.

Liv Tyler: Eww. I don't even want to argue this one - I find her that disagreeable. I've seen train wrecks turn out better than this one.

Gisele Bundchen: Anyone who actually takes pleasure in banging Tom Brady should seriously be killed. It's geniunely amazing how many guys from New England are jealous of Gisele because she gets to lick Tom's asshole.

So, in closing, Megan Fox is still hot as fuck. Despite your vain attempt to prove me wrong, I appreciate your readership, Tornado.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

SteveChat - Episode 10

If you've never been the Dragon Buffet in Manchester, CT... well, William Wallace would say you never truly lived...

Sleepo285: dude theres something i have to tell you
TyQuiF: ok
Sleepo285: the dragon closed
TyQuiF: yeah right
Sleepo285: i've been having a tough time admitting it to myself
TyQuiF: if this is a joke, it's not funny
TyQuiF: you're fucking lying to me
Sleepo285: hahahahahaha
TyQuiF: god damn it, u always made me think the worst
Sleepo285: oh man i wish i was theremto see the tears streaming down your face
TyQuiF: hahah, fuck you... ya know what, buildings can burn, health codes can be violated, chinese people can be enslaved in america... but the dragon will NEVER close
Sleepo285: we would put together all the money we have, raise whatever else we needed, fix up the place in a montage, and save the dragon
TyQuiF: seriously
TyQuiF: "Save The Dragon" - what a fundraiser that'd be
Sleepo285: everyone in the community would team up to save it, except for the one old grumpy guy who wanted to see us fail, then at the fundraiser headquarters we'd count the money and everyone would be celebrating, but when we were finished counting the money we'd realize we were a thousand dollars short and everyone would get really upset and realize it was all over.. and right when everyone had given up all hope, the old guy would come forward from the back of the room and reveal that he'd been raising money too, and it would put us over the top and save the dragon once and for all
TyQuiF: hahaa... so poetic it's like a haiku
Sleepo285: what a great movie script
Sleepo285: a couple kids try to save their favorite chinese buffet from closing
TyQuiF: call Miramax
Sleepo285: i've got em on the line right now
TyQuiF: aight man, i gotta finish packing
Sleepo285: dont forget your buffet clothes
TyQuiF: baggy sweatpants, a sweatshirt, and my lucky bib
Sleepo285: non-slip shoes and all


Saturday, April 11, 2009

Randi's Promises

No, that's not the title of a Lifetime movie, it's something far more depressing. A "friend" of mine, whom we'll just call R. Watts. No, wait. That's too obvious. We'll just call her Randi W. Anyways, this so-called friend has made a habit of making promises and subsequently breaking them to the utter dismay of my oh so fragile heart.

Things Randi Watts Promised That Never Came To Fruition...

Pictures: Due to my bullshit work schedule, rarely does the occasion arise where I can go out and get hammered with my friends here in DC. When such events do come up, I usually make the most of it. Translation: I get bombed out of my fucking mind. If people take pictures, I usually love seeing them. Because pictures of me = pure sex. On numerous occasions, Miss Randi has promised to send said pictures. The only one she ever sent was a picture of two lesbians switching teams for me...

This happens literally every time I go out.

Marriage: Still waiting on that ring, Randi! I'm thinking at a nice Italian restaurant. But be sure to surpise me. If I see it coming, it might ruin the moment.

Double-Unders: Randi is affectionately known as Randi "The Natural" Watts for her badass ability to do double-unders. For all of you know-nothing pussies out there, this is basically jumping rope, but harder and faster (that's what she said). Anyways, I've been trying to get video footage of Randi doing 100 consecutive double-unders. But she has failed to do so roughly 400 times. As far as max consecutive double-unders goes, her best numbers recently have been 81, 75, 2, 85, 18, and 6. She's not exactly a monument to consistency.

Her Mom's Phone Number: I don't know why Randi is so adamant about keeping me and her mother apart, but she needs to get her act together. There's nothing weird about your step-father being four years younger than you. I don't think I'm being unreasonable here. You can't fight a love like ours, Randi! Please take a quick second to vote for Randi's mother in This Stupid Contest. Randi is the drunk on the left and her mom is the FOX on the right. Seriously though, if we get enough votes for her... maybe Randi will dish out those digits!

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Really Quick

I have a bunch of various posts I'm working on, but I just had to say something really quick...

I can't fucking stand it when absolutely ass-ugly broads who genuinely look like the back of my balls try talking shit about absurdly hot women. There's a mutant here at work who thinks Megan Fox isn't attractive. "Her face just isn't all that good." How can I possibly hold my tongue? Even worse, she said my beloved Kellie Pickler is ugly.

I seriously wanna tell this bitch to look into the back of a rusty spoon. That's the only way she would ever look attractive - distorted and upside down.

I'd rather make out with Jake Tucker...

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

I Should've Been A Queer

Why? Because sports fucking suck this year. Seriously. My teams can't catch a fucking break.

The New York Yankees miss the playoffs for the first time since 1993.  This, of course, happened during the last season in The House That Ruth Built a.k.a. THE greatest sporting venue ever (eat my shit, Fenway).  And fuck whatever research Caple even did that for article - that shit is just plain fact.

The Indianapolis Colts choke up like an amatuer pornstar in an all-black film and let Darren "Pocket-Ass" Sproles run all over them. How many all-purpose yards was it?  328?  Oh, for fuck's sake...

The Oklahoma Sooners... fuck, I still can't even bear to speak about this one. I have a serious love/hate thing for Tebow.  He's white, he's awesome, and he's a lefty.  But he dates this chick.  Which pisses me off.  Sam Bradford will still be a better quarterback in the NFL.

Meanwhile, the Papua New Guinea men's field hockey team finished third in the Oceania Cup back in 2007.  Ridiculous, I know.

The UConn Huskies get thrashed by Michigan State. Sure, making the Final Four is no small feat. Those fucks from Duke couldn't even do it, but c'mon, finish the goddamn job. That's what you get for recruiting a team of criminals and a 7' African.  Oh, and Michigan State was subsequently destroyed by UNC and Tyler "I've Already Made Plans To Be Terrible In The NBA" Hansbrough in the championship game last night.

At least my beloved Washington Capitals are still in the picture. But still... it's hockey. I'll admit, I've grown to like it much more than I ever did, but still... it's hockey.

Yes, I know my favorite teams are scattered all across the country. I'm the Carmen Sandiego of sports fandom so fuck you.

Monday, April 06, 2009

A Bad Idea - Day 40

Yes, it is Day 40 of this stupid, stupid experiment and I am just counting down the hours right now. To be honest, I'm amazed at my own self-control. It's been quite a ride. Now, all I'm left is one question for all of you...

Anyone else have any big plans for tonight?


Q Is A Racist Letter, Not Person

I just realized that constantly creating posts to prove I'm not racist may just reinforce my clearly obvious racism, but I already started typing and I'm pretty sure my Backspace key is broken so here we go...

A Comprehensive List of Women Who Are Not White That I Would Totally Bang

Gabrielle Union
Meagan Good
Tyra Banks (before her ego turned her into a complete pyschopath)
Zoe Saldana
Salma Hayek
Harriet Tubman (because she stood for freedom and freedom is sexy)
Lacey Duvalle
Maggie Q
Roselyn Sanchez
Stacey Dash (over 40 with two kids and still hot as fuck)
Eva Mendes
Paula Patton
Parker Posey (yes, i know she's white but I wanted everyone to know that I would LOVE to nail this chick)
Halle Berry
Naomie Harris
Rosa Parks (if she let me put it in her backseat)
Jackie Guerrida
Samantha Esteban
Thandie Newton
The lead singer of Pussycat Dolls (who cares what her name is)
Nia Long
Nelly Furtado
Vanessa Williams
this chick (if you don't recognize that dumper, this must be your first day on the internet)
Jenaveve Jolie
Eva Longoria Parker
Freida Pinto
Kim Kardashian (she's dating a black dude so it counts)
Nadine Velazquez
Daisy Marie
Rihanna (because she just takes it)
Seleta Ebanks
Jessica Lucas
Christina Milian
Audrina Patridge (she might just be really tan from doing nothing but laying out all day)
Priya Rae
Kourtney Kardashian (her sister dates a black dude)
Vida Guerra
Martha Higareda

All apologies to CCH Pounder, but it's just not happening, big guy...

Friday, April 03, 2009

A Bad Idea - Day 37

We're through the looking glass here, people. The home stretch. The Final Countdown. I don't know about you, but I can hear Europe singing in my head right now. And they're using my dick as the microphone. And yet, while the finish line is in clear site, this is where it's easiest to lose track of the goal. To crumble under the almost insurmountable pressure - peer and testicular included.

In order to safely walk this razor's edge of temptation, I need help. Luckily, a good friend of mine, Anna RidiculouslyItalianLastName, referred me to this article. Surely, if anyone can help me endure the final days of my quest, it's the Mormons. Here are some of the highlights from the article...

Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal washing and using the bathroom.

This one has been pretty tough as I am yet another victim of the Al Bundy syndrome. However, unlike Al Bundy, who only puts about half of three fingers down his pants, I pretty much cradle the entire great basket of glory that is my balls. Especially right before I shake someone's hand.

After you bathe, don't admire yourself in the mirror.

Really, this one isn't even fair. For those who don't know, this is what I look like when I get out of the shower. And yes, everything turns to black and white when I am shirtless. Unfortunately, Earth does not possess the spectral capacity to properly sustain itself when I'm blasting my nips.

Never look at pornography on the internet or elsewhere.

Wait, there's other places to get porn?? I never really thought about it, but porn is everywhere. And it's almost always free. Like the guy I saw pissing on the subway last week. Sure, it doesn't turn my crank, but I'll bet that gets someone fired up.

When in bed, wear pajamas or other clothes so that you cannot easily touch yourself.

Welcome To Boner City. Population: Me.

If the temptation seems overpowering while you are in bed, GET OUT OF BED! Go into the kitchen and make a snack, even if it is in the middle of the night, and even if you are not hungry.

It's reassuring to know that in the world's most obese and unhealthy country, Mormons would rather you be a fat fuck than to ruin a perfectly good oven mitt.

If you are associated with other persons having this same problem, YOU MUST BREAK OFF THEIR FRIENDSHIP. Never associate with other people having the same weakness. Don't suppose that two of you will quit together, you never will. You must get away from people of that kind. Just to be in their presence will keep your problem foremost in your mind.

Okay, this one confuses me. Nowadays, I could give a fuck who knows how often or freely or publicly I masturbate. But back when I was a kid and just discovering its majesty, I never spoke to friends about it. Because that's what masturbation is all about: self-discovery. Ya know, treating your body like an amusement park and deciding which ride is your favorite.

During your bathroom and shower activities leave the bathroom door or shower curtain partly open. Enough to keep from being totally alone, but still giving adequate privacy.

Yeah, tell that to this bitch.

Be outgoing and friendly. Force yourself to be with others and learn to enjoy working and talking to them

Wow. This one would definitely work. Forcing myself to be with people? Learning to enjoy working and/or talking with them? That's perfect! I'll be far too busy killing myself to jerk off! Hooray!

Get out of bed immediately in the mornings. Do not lie in bed awake, no matter what time of day it is. Get up and do something. Start each day with an enthusiastic activity.

Nothing like a making a good point and then completely contradicting it at the end. I can't think of a more enthusiastic activity to start one's day.

Set up a reward system for your successes.

Is it possible to award myself with some good ol' fashioned masturbation??? Because that'd be sweet...


Wednesday, April 01, 2009

SteveChat - Episode 9

I need to explain a few things before you read this one...

1) A few nights earlier, we were at a party.
2) It was some drunk chick's birthday.
3) She was annoying.
4) She banged our friend Justin.
5) Several hours later, she banged his roommate Boyko.
6) A few hours after her second banging, her mother called to tell her that her grandfather had just died.

You seriously can't make this shit up. Naturally, Steve and I had some things to say on the matter...

Sleepo285: jesus christ
Sleepo285: her grandfather probably died because she was such a whore
Sleepo285: is that mean?
TyQuiF: nah, it's karma
Sleepo285: i bet after he died earlier that night, he got to heaven and decided "well i should check on my family on earth and keep an eye on them, protect them from harm and all that good stuff... ok, there's my son sleeping next to his wife, everything looks good there.... there's my brother playing late night cribbage at the old folks home.... OH MY GOD MY GRANDDAUGHTER IS GETTING NAILED ON A COUCH BY JEREMY BOYKO!!!!! FUCK!!!!!!!!"
TyQuiF: oh man, i'm sure its not good to make light or speak ill of the dead but that was fucking hilarious
Sleepo285: its ok
Sleepo285: its what he would have wanted
TyQuiF: who wouldnt
Sleepo285: "itsz myyy birtthdayzxslkdf"
Sleepo285: thats all i remember about that girl
Sleepo285: that and when she spilled beer on me
TyQuiF: hahhaha
Sleepo285: oh shit her grandfather died on her birthday
Sleepo285: but she also got fucked by boyko on her birthday
TyQuiF: gonna be a night to remember
Sleepo285: bittersweet memories
Sleepo285: i wonder if its just coincidence... cause if its not, and when boyko fucks someone their grandfather dies, thats pretty awesome
Sleepo285: he could start an internet porn site...
TyQuiF: imagine all the hits
TyQuiF: it'd be like milfhunter but with a nice twist on the end... he blasts all over the girl's face and then says "HAHA - your grandfather's dead now!!"
Sleepo285: hahaha
Sleepo285: it's like in bang bus when they ditch the chick on the side of the road
Sleepo285: theres nothing better than sex with a twist ending
Sleepo285: "yeah meg, this was really great... i've never felt so aLIVE FROM NEW YORK ITS SATURDAY NIGHT!!!"
TyQuiF: dude, next time (if ever) i bang a chick... after i finish, i just wanna whisper softly in her ear... "your grandfather just died"


A Bad Idea - UPDATE

I found myself terribly displeased a few days back. Lent ends on Easter Sunday; however, when doing the math, the time between Ash Wednesday and Easter Sunday is actually something like forty-six* days. Why? Because apparently the Sundays don't count during Lent. Seriously man, what the fuck? Did they even address this shit in the Josh Hartnett movie??

Now people are telling me I have to hold out until Easter. My reponse usually varies between "Fuck that noise." or "Eat my shit" depending on how I'm feeling. Forget the religious connotations of Lent - when you've got a pair of backed-up balls, forty days is forty days damn it.