Tuesday, April 14, 2009

The Story of a Hurricane

Not long ago, I posted this little diddy about an ugly coworker claiming Megan Fox wasn't attractive. I got the following response from a mysterious being known only by the vague nomenclature, "The Hurricane"

"I have to agree with your coworker that Megan Fox is not that attractive (in celebrity hotness terms). Specifically, her face is way less impressive than her body. Clearly, she is more attractive than me and 98% of people on this planet, but there is a higher standard by which to judge people who are famous, especially women.

I would rank a lot of other women above Megan Fox in terms of hotness, one of which is Marisa Miller, who I think is pretty much the definition of hot... but I guess it kind of depends on whether you like blonds or brunettes (FYI brunettes are skanks).

Oh yeah, I would also add Scarlett Johansson, Charlize Theron, Rachel Weisz, Famke Janssen, Olivia Wilde, Kristen Bell, Rachel McAdams, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Liv Tyler and Gisele Bundchen to the list of women significantly hotter than Megan Fox."

So now, I must compose a rebuttal to this assessment. I must say, Tropical Storm makes some very good points. I will concede that Megan Fox's face is not top-notch in comparison to the peak echelon of famous celebrities. Sure, she does not possess the absurd beauty or bone structure of Natalie Portman, but she is more attractive than the ladies on FoxNews and, fuck me, those bitches are sexy. But I'm a gentleman and I don't judge women on one superficial criteria. Focusing on just a woman's face is not fair - it's important to consider her legs, breasts, and ass as well. That's much more gentleman-like. And judging by those criteria, I break it down like this: I would marry Natalie Portman in an instant, but I would bang the fuck out of Megan Fox in the pope's bed with both my parents watching.

Marisa Miller is damn good example to provide. I think Google itself ejaculates when you search her name. So touché on that one. But still, she wasn't in Transformers.

Now, here is where your argument falls apart. You made some pretty decent points, Tsunami, but when you tried listing Hollywood starlets you think are more attractive than Megan Fox, everything went to shit. So I will break it down broad by broad...

Scarlett Johansson: Absolutely not. Yes, she's hot, but get a tan for christ's sake. It'd be like banging Casper. With huge tits.

Charlize Theron: Are you sure about this one? Don't get me wrong, she is amazingly beautiful, but I can't get this out of my head.

Rachel Weisz: Yes, they make Encyclopedias specifically designed to catergorize all of the outrageous shit I would do to this woman, but Constantine sucked ass.

Famke Janssen: Another hot as fuck woman, but let's look at the straight facts here: Megan is 22, Famke is 44. While this gives Famke the 22 year sexual experience advantage, it also gives me 22 more years to slay prime-ass Megan in a wide variety of Halloween costumes.

Olivia Wilde: I almost brushed this one off, but she does look pretty fucking hot in the trailer for Year One. I'll let this one go because it turns out her real name is Olivia Jane Cockburn. I bet when she was starting out it was hard to get callbacks. Few casting directors will bang a chick with a last name like that.

Kristen Bell: Alright, tiny chicks are a huge fucking turn on. This one is 5'1" and that's awesome. And sure, I'd take vacation time to root out this chick all hours of the day, but proportionally-speaking, Megan has the advantage.

Rachel McAdams: Ahhh, well played. She won the women over with The Notebook and then won the men with Wedding Crashers. She won me over with Mean Girls. But what have you done for me lately, Rachel? Besides, she's Canadian. Not to be trusted.

Catherine Zeta-Jones: Well past her prime now. She went from Entrapment to shitty T-Mobile commercials. Fuck the Google phone and fuck you, T-Mobile.

Sarah Michelle Gellar: She's hot, but c'mon. All of the shit going on in Cruel Intentions and you can't even get naked? The best you can do is make out with Selma Blair?! For fuck's sake, at least tongue Reese down or something.

Liv Tyler: Eww. I don't even want to argue this one - I find her that disagreeable. I've seen train wrecks turn out better than this one.

Gisele Bundchen: Anyone who actually takes pleasure in banging Tom Brady should seriously be killed. It's geniunely amazing how many guys from New England are jealous of Gisele because she gets to lick Tom's asshole.

So, in closing, Megan Fox is still hot as fuck. Despite your vain attempt to prove me wrong, I appreciate your readership, Tornado.


At 11:34 PM , Blogger Drew said...

I underestimated your blogging ability, and I apologize for that...you're fucking tapped, but well done sir

At 1:11 AM , Blogger The Hurricane said...

I reiterate that all those babes are way hotter than Megan Fox. I've never seen Transformers, but it can’t possibly be better than The Fifth Element, and Milla Jovovich is wayyy more fuck-able than Ms. Fox.

And don't hate on whitey! I thought you weren't racist.

At 12:10 PM , Blogger The Hurricane said...

I recently discovered another woman that is way more attractive than Fox. Her name is Kelly Brook, and not only is she extremely good looking (and natural looking, which is something that Megan Fox is not), she has a semi-legitimate job as a TV presenter.

At 2:24 PM , Blogger The Hurricane said...

And this pretty much proves that Megan Fox sucks: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1172881/Coming-Cheryl-Cole-voted-FHMs-Worlds-Sexiest-Woman.html


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