Friday, April 03, 2009

A Bad Idea - Day 37

We're through the looking glass here, people. The home stretch. The Final Countdown. I don't know about you, but I can hear Europe singing in my head right now. And they're using my dick as the microphone. And yet, while the finish line is in clear site, this is where it's easiest to lose track of the goal. To crumble under the almost insurmountable pressure - peer and testicular included.

In order to safely walk this razor's edge of temptation, I need help. Luckily, a good friend of mine, Anna RidiculouslyItalianLastName, referred me to this article. Surely, if anyone can help me endure the final days of my quest, it's the Mormons. Here are some of the highlights from the article...

Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal washing and using the bathroom.

This one has been pretty tough as I am yet another victim of the Al Bundy syndrome. However, unlike Al Bundy, who only puts about half of three fingers down his pants, I pretty much cradle the entire great basket of glory that is my balls. Especially right before I shake someone's hand.

After you bathe, don't admire yourself in the mirror.

Really, this one isn't even fair. For those who don't know, this is what I look like when I get out of the shower. And yes, everything turns to black and white when I am shirtless. Unfortunately, Earth does not possess the spectral capacity to properly sustain itself when I'm blasting my nips.

Never look at pornography on the internet or elsewhere.

Wait, there's other places to get porn?? I never really thought about it, but porn is everywhere. And it's almost always free. Like the guy I saw pissing on the subway last week. Sure, it doesn't turn my crank, but I'll bet that gets someone fired up.

When in bed, wear pajamas or other clothes so that you cannot easily touch yourself.

Welcome To Boner City. Population: Me.

If the temptation seems overpowering while you are in bed, GET OUT OF BED! Go into the kitchen and make a snack, even if it is in the middle of the night, and even if you are not hungry.

It's reassuring to know that in the world's most obese and unhealthy country, Mormons would rather you be a fat fuck than to ruin a perfectly good oven mitt.

If you are associated with other persons having this same problem, YOU MUST BREAK OFF THEIR FRIENDSHIP. Never associate with other people having the same weakness. Don't suppose that two of you will quit together, you never will. You must get away from people of that kind. Just to be in their presence will keep your problem foremost in your mind.

Okay, this one confuses me. Nowadays, I could give a fuck who knows how often or freely or publicly I masturbate. But back when I was a kid and just discovering its majesty, I never spoke to friends about it. Because that's what masturbation is all about: self-discovery. Ya know, treating your body like an amusement park and deciding which ride is your favorite.

During your bathroom and shower activities leave the bathroom door or shower curtain partly open. Enough to keep from being totally alone, but still giving adequate privacy.

Yeah, tell that to this bitch.

Be outgoing and friendly. Force yourself to be with others and learn to enjoy working and talking to them

Wow. This one would definitely work. Forcing myself to be with people? Learning to enjoy working and/or talking with them? That's perfect! I'll be far too busy killing myself to jerk off! Hooray!

Get out of bed immediately in the mornings. Do not lie in bed awake, no matter what time of day it is. Get up and do something. Start each day with an enthusiastic activity.

Nothing like a making a good point and then completely contradicting it at the end. I can't think of a more enthusiastic activity to start one's day.

Set up a reward system for your successes.

Is it possible to award myself with some good ol' fashioned masturbation??? Because that'd be sweet...



At 10:19 AM , Blogger Drew said...

Dude, I've kept quiet about this whole bad idea thing....but I've got to tell you, that if you just go ahead and rub one out on the 41st day, I'm going to lose a lot of respect for you....a've saved it up for 40 days, why not put it in some girl's stomach...


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