It's Madness, I Tell You!

Oh my god, how crazy has this year's NCAA college basketball tournament been?! It's been filled with crazy upsets, three-point shots, and the occasional slam dunk! What a wild ride for all of these highly-paid athletes! With all of the commotion and hype, this tournament has been - dare I say - complete and utter madness! I know. I'm excited, too.

Okay fine. I admit it. I haven't watched one fucking game. Normally, I'd be pretty interested in watching as much of the tournament as possible, but this year I've either been too busy or I just don't know how to turn on the new TV in the basement. It's one of those reasons - I'll leave you to decide which.

I had some free time tonight so I checked out the status of the tournament. Here's my breakdown of what's gone on so far...

• It is goddamn near fucking impossible for me to print out a stupid fucking bracket so I can make funny comments about this stupid fucking tournament.
• Not one of the 16-seeds won in the first round. And yet people cry about expanding the tournament to include more teams. Sure, it would give more teams a chance to play in front of the whole country, but another way of saying that would be, "It would totally give more teams a chance to get absolutely obliterated... on national television!"
• As of right now, five Big East teams are still in, three of which are already in the Elite Eight. Meanwhile, guess how many ACC teams are still in? That's right. Just one. Bitches.
• Not only did Duke lose earlier tonight, they got blasted in the ass by Villanova 77-54. That's a 23 point ass-blasting. You have to pay double for that kind of action in a German sex parlor. Duke shot 27% from the field and 19% from three-point range. And I even rounded up for those pussies. Eat my shit, Shuhsheffskee, you phonetic-hating fuck.
• News has come to light that UConn may have used some shifty recruiting practices. Big deal. Half of UConn's recruits end up in jail anyways. I say live and let live. And let steal and cheat. So long as UConn wins.
• UNC seems to be rolling along quite nicely. While they may pose a threat to my beloved Huskies, we can all find comfort in knowing that they played Radford in the first round. That pretty much guarantees that Tyler Hansbrough has herpes. I reckon it's not easy doing a crossover during a flair-up.
• Once again, in case I didn't make my point: the Big East fucking owns. Bitches.

Hopefully, this will help enhance your viewing of the remaining games of this ABSOLUTELY MAD tournament. It may help to print out this little diddy and keep it stapled to your bracket, which is probably failing miserably right now.

Stay alert because I'm working on a post regarding my self-abstinence, which will involve an article written by the very sensible and logical people of the Mormon religion.