Review: Watchmen

Oh, what a treat to see Zach Snyder pulling material directly from the pages of brilliant men. I'm not even trying to be a dick. So many cockbag directors out there try so hard to be different. Or they're just downright fuck-all terrible. See: Mark Steven Johnson. Snyder knows what he's doing. Take as much of the good shit from the source material as possible and put it on the screen. And in my opinion, he did a kickass job with both 300 and Watchmen, in that respect.

Yes, the sex scene was essentially pointless and the song used was absurd. But hey, at least we get see Malin Akerman naked... again. Man, I swear when this bitch gets signed to a project, she almost immediately asks the director, "Hey, can I show my tits in this?!" Between her and Carla Gugino, you'd think Eden never collapsed.

I bet that's not Billy Crudup's real penis. Obviously, his real penis is WAY bigger.

Give Jackie Earle Haley an Oscar. Or something that actually matters. Like an aircraft carrier. With a helicopter on it. And inside the helicopter, Lindsay Lohan is naked, bound, and gagged. With duct tape. He deserves it!

Okay, now as much as I enjoyed the movie and Billy Crudup's Carolina blue cock, I found a few flaws...

First of all, the air conditioning was broken at the movie theatre so I sweat my fucking balls off. This wouldn't have been as bad if the movie wasn't two hours and thirty-five minutes long. I was sweating like Madonna during a Filthy Cunt Hunt.

I would have to say the worst part of the movie for me personally would be the black people next to and behind me that wouldn't SHUT THE FUCK UP. I seriously don't get it. Alright, people, prepare for a rant...

Where does this come from? Why is it only black people that do it? I've never left a movie theatre and thought, "Man, I wish that Portuguese couple kept quiet." It's un-fucking-believable. They know it's rude because they've definitely been shushed at the movies before. Oh, they've been fucking shushed. I'm not trying to say that all black people do this because I know they don't. But the ones that do? Please stop fucking up my movies.

Is this some sort of twisted, diabolical payback for slavery? Hey, slavery sucked. I feel bad (not really). But ya know what? You were never a fucking slave. Shit, your grandparents probably weren't even slaves. So stop fucking up my movies.

Seriously. Did I go to the Inauguration and talk while Balack Obama gave his speech? No, so stop fucking up my movies. Did you see what I did there? With the small "a" and bold text? Pretty clever, huh?

It's so fucking frustrating. It just makes no sense to me. I got to a point where I almost leaned over my armrest and calmly whispered into the guy's ear, "Hey, if you guys don't shut those watermelon traps, there is going to be a hate crime. So stop. Fucking. Up. My. Movie."

All I'm saying is this: if the government really biochemically engineered AIDS and crack to kill/control black people, it's not working. Not one bit. Because my movies are fucked.


DISCLAIMER: Some of you may not know me very well. I assure you that I do not mean all of this. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I am completely not racist... for the most part.