Things I Should Have Put On My Resumé

Objective:
-To impress you with my beefed up, slightly exaggerated resume, only to obtain a job within your company, underperform to the point where my coworkers confuse me with an actual desk, receive constant promotions despite this fact, until eventually becoming CEO, successfully embezzling millions of dollars, forcing the company into bankruptcy, serving three months in minimum security prison, to be subsequently released and thus free to swim in my piles of money with beautiful Filipino women.

-Later, I'll probably ask if I can use you guys as a reference.

Education:
-The School of Hard Knocks. Learned how to effectively let people know that I am at their door.

-The Jimi Hendrix Experience. I played the National Anthem with my Gibson Les Paul at Woodstock '69 while tripping balls on six tabs of acid. My rendition was viewed as both controversial and inspirational.

-Now, take the above story and make the following changes:
Replace "National Anthem" with "Unbreak My Heart"
Replace "Gibson Les Paul" with "bottle of Jack Daniels"
Replace "Woodstock '69" with "a Chuck E. Cheese in Gary, Indiana"
Replace "tabs of acid" with "tabs of acid"
That was some crazy church retreat.

Honors & Activities:
-In third grade, I invented the Dunce Cap because I wanted to be a unicorn. Naturally, all the teachers thought I was retarded. I guess the whole idea kinda caught on...

Computer Skills:
-I can download pornography very fast; however, I'm currently not jacking off. So all of the keyboards in your office are safe with me!

This guy knows the deal...