Speaking of which...

...what's with women who don't swallow? That's pretty lame.

My ex-girlfriend never swallowed. I remember the first time. I think we were in the back of her Honda CRV. Oh, it was as romantic as a blowjob can be. Like a beautiful candle-lit dinner. Just substitute candlelight with street lights, oncoming headlights, or - if you're really lucky - the beam of a policeman's Maglite.

As always, the first blowjob is a defining moment in a serious relationship. If she's really good, she's probably a whore. If she's terrible, she's probably a whore that gives terrible blowjobs. You can usually estimate the number of dicks she's probably sucked just by her first performance on you. At the time, I would put her at about a 13, but I think she was holding back. Knowing what I know now, I reckon she's probably floating around 600 or so. Ballpark, of course.

Anyways, she's doing her thing and I'm enjoying myself because I think I'm number 14, not 382. Honestly, sex is the best, but you really can't beat a good blow-J. There is almost no work involved. Perhaps you hold her hair for her, which is always a nice gesture - I mean, your cock is in her mouth after all. Otherwise, you just kick back and let the magic happen.

So I'm on the verge and I give her a little heads up. You know, just being courteous so she can prepare her epiglottis accordingly. What does she do? Takes it out. It was at that moment I should have known that she wasn't the one.

For fuck's sake, at least take it in and spit it out afterwards. I can deal with that. What she did was a total JV move. Plus I hate coming on myself. Still, using her high school basketball sweatshirt to clean up was a mild form of poetic justice.

Ladies, let this be a lesson to you all. In fact, here are some criteria to live by, especially if you're ugly and worried the guy won't stick around...

1) Swallow.
2) You don't have to enjoy it.
3) Act like you enjoy it. It can only help.
4) Do not be upset if a guy does not feel like kissing you immediately afterwards. It's semen, for Christ's sake. Gross!
5) Be worried if a guy is eager to kiss you immediately afterwards. Unless he's French, in which case it's perfectly natural.
6) No teeth please.
7) If you're going to be lame about it, at least have the necessary clean-up materials available. Preferably your high school basketball sweatshirt that you cherished while growing up.

Just a little wider, Kellie...