Friday, February 27, 2009

Finding Jobs (And Killing Him)

Things have been pretty rough for me lately. I've temporarily given up masturbation, I stubbed my toe earlier, and I grew up in a house that only had two garages. I've got problems, okay? I don't need anything else to grow wrong that could further complicate my already vastly complicated existence. For instance, if my iPod were to stop working, I might kill someone. Preferably, the dick-face con artist shit-fuck who designed the iPod to malfunction one year after its purchase.

Yeah. This cocksucker right here.

It never fails. Every iPod I've ever had has gone to shit on me. I don't mean that literally. But they have completely broken down just like this. Only I don't laugh afterwards. But in about a year's time, every single iPod I've ever had is totally fucked.

I received my first iPod for Christmas some years ago. I was excited. I had held off longer than the average person and usually kept a discman wedged in my ass during workouts. But this new iPod was going to revolutionize the way I worked out, how I obtained/organized my music, and help me look like a pretentious asshole with those white headphones in my ears. Little did I know, it would become much more vital to survival in this crazy, mixed-up world.

Living and/or commuting in DC has made the iPod an incredible investment for me. I listen to it while walking, working, driving, exercising, sleeping, and especially when setting homeless people on fire. My laptop finally crashed on me (after six years of loyal service) about two months ago. I took solace in the simple fact I still had all of my music resting conveniently at my fingertips - just a few clickwheel clicks away. And then, just yesterday, my iPod dies on me. Like Artex did to Atreyu. Pussy-ass horse.

The first one died for no apparent reason. I was upset. I got a replacement for free. I was relieved. About a year later, that one died for no reason. I was vexed. I got a replacement for roughly $200. I was enraged, but happy with a new iPod. Then the headphone jack broke on that iPod. I was pissed. The handsome guy behind the "Genius Bar" gave me a replacement for free. I was happy again. And now the latest one has died on me. For. No. Fucking. Reason. What. So. Ever. I was infuriated. I almost set two hobos on fire, in addition to my usual one.

Am I the only one this is happening to? Do iPods just dislike me or are other people getting blasted in the ass by Jobs and his army of douchey nerds. For the love of Christ, look at these fucking* losers. Does Steve Jobs just hang out at a Starbucks to find employees? For fuck's sake.

As for Jobs, here's some quotes from that arrogant pile of ostrich excrement...

"A lot of companies have chosen to downsize, and maybe that was the right thing for them. We chose a different path. Our belief was that if we kept putting great products in front of customers, they would continue to open their wallets."

Oh, I bet you just love people opening their wallets, don't you, Steve?

"Be a yardstick of quality. Some people aren't used to an environment where excellence is expected."

Have you ever been to an IHOP, Steve? Nothing but excellence. And I never get a folder with an exclamation point on their pancakes.

"I want to put a ding in the universe."

I want to put a ding in your stupid, stupid face.

Seriously though, I work for federal law enforcement. I can probably get this assholes address. Maybe I could just sit down and talk with him about this issue. Ya know, calm, cordial, and respectable-like. Or I can jam a fork into his forehead.

Now I need a new laptop and a new iPod. When does it end? Ah screw it, I'm just gonna save up and buy this bad boy...

*Wanda Sykes is not funny.


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