Saturday, March 07, 2009

A Fourteen-Hour Shift

About a week ago, I put in a 14 hour shift at work so I could get some extra vacation time for a possible trip to California. It didn't go well...

5:04PM – I get in late. Shucks.

5:13PM – Rush Limbaugh is ranting on FoxNews. While I think he’s an arrogant piece of shit, he makes a good point or two. I just don't get liberalism. It's a Thai hooker without the tracheal shave.

5:15PM – "You get what you work for." Goddamn right, Rush. Still though... button up that shirt, you fat fuck.

5:30PM – I color code the keys to my desk. It was like an arts and crafts project. YAY!

5:37PM – I steal a lemonade mix packet from a coworker’s desk.

5:39PM – I decide writing updates every few minutes will make this the longest post ever. When something interesting comes up, I’ll let you know.

6:35PM – I do my first actual work of the day.

7:12PM – I order food from a placed called Wingos. I got chili and a crispy chicken sandwich. I seriously can’t wait to take a shit later.

8:30PM – My shift partner comes in for the beginning of our usual 9PM shift an entire half hour early. Seriously?! A half hour early? On a Saturday? That's the kinda shit that impresses David Helfgott's dad.

8:47PM – I realize a David Helfgott reference is probably lost on a lot of people. I immediately regret attempting the joke.

8:55PM – Mike Huckabee and his band, Capitol Offense, close out his show on FoxNews… and he is fuckin’ wailing on that bass!

9:16PM – Startled by several findings regarding the cast of Wildcats. So startled it may deserve it's own post.

9:37PM – Lesson #1 at this job: Never answer the phone. TECS hit on some pony-tailed Italian cocksucker that dealt drugs at some point. My night will be ruined because of this. I end up calling a lawyer from the Office of International Affairs, who immediately starts crying like a whiny little bitch because it’s 10PM and he was about to go to bed. I’m not even exaggerating – I legitimately thought he might start crying over the phone.

11:40PM – Chuck Carswell is the most powerful human being on earth.

11:55PM – Finally. After almost a dozen emails and twice as many phone calls, this stupid fucking TECS hit is finished. If the guy ends up getting arrested and extradited to Italy, it will mark the first international fugitive I have helped capture. Not bad for over a year’s work.

1:25AM-1:47AM – My supervisor finally leaves and I get my first legitimate nap of the night. Your tax dollars hard at work.

2:00AM – Order food with my shift partner and begin watching The Transporter. I can’t decide which is worse: the acting or the writing. In reality, they play off each other quite well. Even on three hours of sleep, I’m wondering why they needed to hire some special courier to drive a bag full of Chinese girl 50 miles cross country.

2:05AM – Fall asleep before the first fight scene.

4:17AM – Wake up around here.

The remaining three hours were a bit of a blur. I still had a shitload of work to get done and I somehow managed to do it. What did I learn from this experience? No matter how tough a really long shift gets, there's always methamphetamine.


At 5:07 PM , Blogger Salil said...

Totally got the David Helfgott reference, thank you.

But Rush? Jesus, man, just when I thought I couldn't possibly respect you any less. I mean, what next? You reveal how you sleep with livestock?


At 11:55 PM , Blogger heff_nuur said...

not a workday has changed for you over the years


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