Things I Shouldn't Have Put On My Resumé

- works well with others

- washes hands thoroughly after eating Cheetos

- enjoys sitting at a desk for long periods of time

- totally not racist

- no interest in using work computer to download snuff-style pornography

- responds well to authority

- will not steal from coworkers' desks

- completely fine with giving up weekends at the ripe age of 24

- does not have terrible-smelling farts

- prefers Luke Wilson over Owen Wilson

- will not spend majority of shift writing on blog