Saturday, April 11, 2009

Randi's Promises

No, that's not the title of a Lifetime movie, it's something far more depressing. A "friend" of mine, whom we'll just call R. Watts. No, wait. That's too obvious. We'll just call her Randi W. Anyways, this so-called friend has made a habit of making promises and subsequently breaking them to the utter dismay of my oh so fragile heart.

Things Randi Watts Promised That Never Came To Fruition...

Pictures: Due to my bullshit work schedule, rarely does the occasion arise where I can go out and get hammered with my friends here in DC. When such events do come up, I usually make the most of it. Translation: I get bombed out of my fucking mind. If people take pictures, I usually love seeing them. Because pictures of me = pure sex. On numerous occasions, Miss Randi has promised to send said pictures. The only one she ever sent was a picture of two lesbians switching teams for me...

This happens literally every time I go out.

Marriage: Still waiting on that ring, Randi! I'm thinking at a nice Italian restaurant. But be sure to surpise me. If I see it coming, it might ruin the moment.

Double-Unders: Randi is affectionately known as Randi "The Natural" Watts for her badass ability to do double-unders. For all of you know-nothing pussies out there, this is basically jumping rope, but harder and faster (that's what she said). Anyways, I've been trying to get video footage of Randi doing 100 consecutive double-unders. But she has failed to do so roughly 400 times. As far as max consecutive double-unders goes, her best numbers recently have been 81, 75, 2, 85, 18, and 6. She's not exactly a monument to consistency.

Her Mom's Phone Number: I don't know why Randi is so adamant about keeping me and her mother apart, but she needs to get her act together. There's nothing weird about your step-father being four years younger than you. I don't think I'm being unreasonable here. You can't fight a love like ours, Randi! Please take a quick second to vote for Randi's mother in This Stupid Contest. Randi is the drunk on the left and her mom is the FOX on the right. Seriously though, if we get enough votes for her... maybe Randi will dish out those digits!


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