I Should've Been A Queer

Why? Because sports fucking suck this year. Seriously. My teams can't catch a fucking break.

The New York Yankees miss the playoffs for the first time since 1993.  This, of course, happened during the last season in The House That Ruth Built a.k.a. THE greatest sporting venue ever (eat my shit, Fenway).  And fuck whatever research Caple even did that for article - that shit is just plain fact.

The Indianapolis Colts choke up like an amatuer pornstar in an all-black film and let Darren "Pocket-Ass" Sproles run all over them. How many all-purpose yards was it?  328?  Oh, for fuck's sake...

The Oklahoma Sooners... fuck, I still can't even bear to speak about this one. I have a serious love/hate thing for Tebow.  He's white, he's awesome, and he's a lefty.  But he dates this chick.  Which pisses me off.  Sam Bradford will still be a better quarterback in the NFL.

Meanwhile, the Papua New Guinea men's field hockey team finished third in the Oceania Cup back in 2007.  Ridiculous, I know.

The UConn Huskies get thrashed by Michigan State. Sure, making the Final Four is no small feat. Those fucks from Duke couldn't even do it, but c'mon, finish the goddamn job. That's what you get for recruiting a team of criminals and a 7' African.  Oh, and Michigan State was subsequently destroyed by UNC and Tyler "I've Already Made Plans To Be Terrible In The NBA" Hansbrough in the championship game last night.

At least my beloved Washington Capitals are still in the picture. But still... it's hockey. I'll admit, I've grown to like it much more than I ever did, but still... it's hockey.

Yes, I know my favorite teams are scattered all across the country. I'm the Carmen Sandiego of sports fandom so fuck you.