Thursday, April 30, 2009

Some Sequel Issues

It never fails. Every single time. It doesn't matter who, when, or where. But it's pretty much guaranteed that within five minutes of meeting me, I'll bring up the Mighty Ducks Trilogy. It's not hard to see why, it's only the most perfect trilogy ever. George Lucas put out those first three Star Wars back in the 70's and was all sorts of famous/rich/bearded. The Mighty Ducks series comes along and guess what happens? George Lucas re-releases the first three Star Wars movies, Peter Jackson releases a trilogy about nature walking, and then Lucas busts out another three Star Wars flicks. I'm surprised as shit Francis Ford Coppola didn't whip out Godfather IV, V, and VI. Don't even get me started on that Harry Potter cunt.

Why did all of these movies come out? Probably in a massive conspricacy to bury my beloved Ducks under a sea of over-priced production value and special effects, to conceal their beautifully simplistic story with fantasy worlds of dragons and lasers and barefoot homos. It was simple. Everyone knew that it was literally impossible to outdo the Mighty Ducks, so they make a couple of billion dollar movies to hide the fact that they suck ass more than Goldberg does at skating.

Still, to be fair, even the Ducks have a few issues. As perfect as it is, Ducks has a few - I cringe to say the word in the same sentence - flaws. I know. It was hard for me to accept at first, too. But they are there. And it revolves around the transitioning between each of the amazingly crafted movies...

1) As we all know, in the first movie Gordon Bombay finds meaning to life by coaching the District 5 hockey team to the PeeWee Championship. That's all good and glorious, but here's where trouble starts. In the sequel, one of the most perfect movies ever crafted, D2: The Mighty Ducks, Bombay and his team are offered the chance to represent the United States in the Junior Goodwill Games. Uhhh... why? They miraculously won the PeeWee Championship for a tiny region of Minnesota and now they're good enough to represent our country in an international competition? Bear in mind, they barely even won. It came down to a fucking penalty shot by Charlie "I Wanna Blow Bombay" Conway. Talk about a longshot victory. Look at it like this: if after last year's historically epic and embarrassing season, the Detroit Lions managed to scratch and claw their way to the SuperBowl this year, win on some ridiculous Hail Mary pass with two seconds left on the clock, would we ask their starting line-up to represent America in an international football game? Fuck no! Because it was a fucking fluke and that'd be dumb as shit.

This guy knows: The 2008 Lions couldn't even beat the Hawks in a PeeWee Hockey Game.

2) Talk to any hockey player, the triple deke is not nearly as good a move as the series makes it out to be.

3) Also, here's another problem that I constantly think of: the locker room scene (2:49) before the third period. A lovely speech is given in which all of the Ducks stand up, proclaim who they are and where they come from. All of the kids from the original District 5 team yell out a bunch of different cities: Minneapolis, St. Paul, Stillwater, Brooklyn Park, and Edina. Don't get me wrong, all of these are within reasonable driving distance of one another, but let's look at the geographical facts here:

If all of those regions fall into District 5, I'm pretty sure the zoning people are huffing Elmers. Here's what the shape of District 5 looks like:

I know district zoning is usually pretty screwed up, but if you try saying that this is an actual city district, I say you have some offs to fuck.

4) So, Team USA wins the Goodwill Games in another shootout, barely beating Iceland. During the credits, they sing "We Are The Champions" around a campfire and I pleasure myself to sleep. But yet again, another issue arises between sequels. After showing such "promise" during the Goodwill Games (Fulton Reed, Dean Portman, and Kenny Wu were known as a crew of brawling thugs, by the way), they are all granted full scholarships to the prestigious Eden Hall Academy, the very school Coach Bombay attended - how poetic. Now, I'm all for this great group of kids to get a good education, but herein lies the rub: they are accepted as the Junior Varsity hockey team. Without even trying out. Uhhhh... why? According to wikipedia, "their arrival is met with hostility from the varsity team, mainly consisting of Caucasian players who are members of rich families, whose younger siblings were not accepted to the academy to make room for the Ducks." How in the fuck is that even legal? They, again, defeat a vastly superior opponent against all odds thanks to a few trick (Translation: Illegal) plays, dumb luck, and a fucking knuckle-puck, and all of the sudden they just become the JV team for Eden Hall?? So they don't have to try out? At all? Nope. They named an NHL team after them, no need for tryouts.

Bear in mind, these flaws are minimal at best. Mere tiny scratches on the paint of a wonderfully developed masterpiece of cinema. This trilogy is pretty much as close to perfect as a series of films can get. Still, the biggest problem remains a staggering one...

About one minute into this clip could possibly be one of the worst music moments in film history. Fuck it, even the Ducks can't be perfect...


At 1:36 PM , Anonymous T-Murda said...

Best post ever. Ducks fly together!

At 8:53 AM , Anonymous Craig said...



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