Friday, January 29, 2010

Links On The Left, Part 8

Blair Morrison finished in 7th Place at the 2009 CrossFit Games. To those of you that don't know what this is, it's a pretty lofty accomplishment. CrossFit itself has it's flaws here and there and I readily admit that. Nevertheless, I stand by its basic principles. And the CrossFit Games are an effort to prove who is the best CrossFitter in the world, a feat they claim warrants the title of "Fittest Person On The Planet." You can argue against that nomenclature all you want, but to see these beasts go through the eight brutal events in person, it's hard to for me to dismiss it.

Blair is a graduate of Princeton University. He played football for the Tigers and is second all-time in receptions. For the past few years, he's been a personal trainer in Washington, DC. I've had the pleasure of working and discussing training with him for a while now. He's a good dude, but I give him endless shit for going to an Ivy League school. The tiniest of spelling or grammatical errors and it's "You went to Princeton, Blair?"

At the moment, Blair is studying in some genius program overseas. He'll be attending Leiden, the Sorbonne, and Oxford. In the meantime, he's trying to continue his fitness pursuits in a country not as well equipped in CrossFit as the states. FitQuest documents this endeavor. It's a sweet site for those interested in CrossFit, training ideas, and reading stuff written by people smarter than them.

By the way, Blair weighs 185lbs and snatches 100kg. Dude is a monster.


Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Funk Me Over Dat Copper Wire, Outta Sight? **UPDATE**

I already wrote all of this in a mass email to a bunch of my friends and relatves. If you didn't get it, you're probably neither and might want to consider how shitty your life is without me in it...

As many of you are well aware, Saturday Night Live sucks. In recent years, it has produced little humor and equipped itself with talentless dipshits like Bobby Moynihan and Keenan Thompson. Similarly, the writing is absolute shit. Sketches go on too long, the premises are awful, the impersonations get progessively worse, and so on. Sure, there are a few bright spots (Andy Samberg's digital shorts, Fred Armisen's bit as Nicholas Fehn, and Bill Hader and Will Forte usually delivering the funny), but all in all, the quality has been god-awful for far too long.

Luckily, SNL has temporarily redeemed itself with a bit from the episode with Charles Barkley. For those of you unfamiliar with the MacGruber sketches, it's essentially a spin-off of MacGyver-like circumstances (if you're unfamiiar with MacGyver, then you probably suck and I hate you). They're usually the highlight of any SNL episode these days, but this particular series was so motherfucking funny I almost shit my pants... a second time.

Alright, enough of my blather, enjoy...


Naturally, embedding the video didn't work because NBC is a bunch of cunts. Seriously, fuck them. Have you seen how they're fucking Conan over in favor of the car-collecting bobblehead? Here's a direct link the above-referenced video. If you happen to meet an NBC executive in person, eat its fucking children.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Guidos In The Mist, Case Study A, Episde 6

This is getting difficult. I'm wondering if I become more of an asshole with every viewing of The Jersey Shore - a dangerous possibility as my asshole level is typically sky-high anyways. Nevertheless, I can't seem to shake my adoration for this program. It's got everything: stupid catch-phrases, douchey cast members, alcohol, sex (well... attempts at), violence, and maybe a song or two playing in the background... ya know, because it's MUSIC television. Again, it's hard for me to keep up since I'm a fucking caveman and don't have cable, but I'm not fat so fuck all of you. Now, let us shift back into our in-depth analysis of this miraculous creature, the guido...

The Males:
Pauly D - Not much air time for Pauly D and henceforth, not a lot of douchebaggery to comment on. So, since I'm short on material, his hair is stupid. There, that feels better.

Mike "The Situation" - Yep, officially my favorite. Again, just as a necessary disclaimer, the dude is a total douche. I get that. But he's witty and funnier than all the other cast members. All the lines about those porch-fight wildebeests were priceless. You also have to admire his persistence when it comes to calling/creeping/sniping chicks. The best part? He still hasn't gotten laid. Just waiting for him and Snookler to do the deed. Gross. Like slapping two moist pieces of roast beef together.

Vinny - Thanks to Vinny's family (mainly his mom), the world can see what good true-blooded Italians are actually like. They're family-oriented, classy, nice, generous, and fun. At least I think so - I refuse to hang out with Italian people in general. Anyways, I hope Alyssa Milano saw this episode.

Ronnie - Sure, I'm sick of him, but you gotta give the roided up freak credit for utilizing his knees huring the boardwalk brawl. A lesser guido wouldn't have been so improvisational.

The Females:
Sammi "Sweetheart" - Whoaaaaa, did you see that reaction? Someone DEFINITELY used to get made fun of in school for her freak toe. Club-footed bitch shouldn't be so sensitive.

Nicole "Snooki" - "If one thing leads to another, I'm not gonna tell him to get off." Hilarious. Why? Because you know this chick gets rooted out nightly back in Albany. She hasn't been laid once during this whole season, so at this point she'd bang even if the dude's dick was wrapped in barbed wire.

Jenni "J-WOWW" - I was kinda hoping J-WOWW would get involved in that African safari fight on the porch. She's tall so she's got good reach. Endurance might be an issue because of all the Marlboros she puffs. Her biggest weakness is the long hair (extensions) and the all-too-fucking annoying habit of bitches pulling hair during fights. It's really goddamn obnoxious. Gina Carano wouldn't pull that shit and she's Italian, you weak-ass broads.

Angelina - Thinking about composing a formal letter to MTV requesting they remove this fugly whore from the opening credits. Patience is waning. I'm 90% positive that she's responsible for the earthquake in Haiti.

Interesting Things of Note:
1) Danny (the boss) was pretty funny/cool about Vinny totally punking him. He's still a bitch because he looks like Jack Skellington, but at least he's got a sense of humor about it.

2) GTL. I don't think I need to come up with something clever for this one, do you?

3) "I didn't leave you for a girl; I'd never leave you for a girl." I'm pretty sure that Ronnie just admitted he's gay.

4) As much as I enjoy The Situation, him comparing his advances towards women to the Navy SEALs is a little disingenuous. SEALs are quite possibly the baddest motherfuckers on the planet (besides me, of course) and you are a character on a reality TV show. C'mon man, it's apples and orange fuckheads.

5) Normally, it's hard to side with guidos when they make fun of people, but they've been entirely accurate thus far. The Origial Grenade and the new Grenade Launcher - awesome nicknames, by the way - were fucking gross and needed to be tossed aside. The garbage truck comments were classic, also. And then the douche that Ronnie mauled was... well, a douche.

6) Regarding the bald dude: Look guy, yes, the Jersey Shore cast is bunch of lame-ass guido tools, but some of them are jacked up on roids, man. Just because they're being followed around by a camera crew doesn't mean they won't fight you. Sure you're on TV now, but you're the guy who got beat up by mincing pansy Teardrop Ronnie. I'd rather be known as the guy who almost broke Snickers' jaw. Thanks, Brad Ferro - as if she didn't look enough like a Picasso painting (see the poof?).

7) Good God, I am sick of all the "problems" Ronnie and Sammie are having as a "couple." He gave her a little push because she wouldn't shut her fucking mouth and she acts like he threw her down a flight of stairs while she was eight months pregnant. They always blame each other and it always ends up with Ronnie apologizing/crying like a total puss.

Final Thought:
Tonight featured varying segments highlighting many aspects of guido culture, from both ends of the spectrum. We saw the family-oriented, respectful, and caring nature of Italian-Americans. I'm talking fresh-off-the-boat Italian-Americans. And then we saw the true animalistic nature of the fully Americanized, borderline retarded guido. Almost every episode we witness their aggressive, confrontational demeanor when threatened, attacked, or hilariously punched in the face. Alyssa Milano and all the other angry (Translate: Uppity, Whiney, Self-righteous) Italian-Americans out there frustrated with this show's portrayal of Italians really should look to Vinny's family as a ray of light on this skidmark of a television show. Meanwhile, they should stop fucking complaining and pose of Playboy already (what the fuck are you waiting for, Alyssa? You ain't getting any younger). Besides, it's a well documented fact that Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia is a huge fan of J-WOWW. He's been quoted as saying, "Man, I would gavel the shit out of those fun-bags! Fake? Fuck, if I care. I'm Scalia, bitch!" That may not be entirely accurate, but the dude's got nine fucking kids - you know he likes to get nasty.


Monday, January 11, 2010

Now You Know

In case you were wondering...

I just worked an internet fraud case in which the item that was never paid for was a model of a fucking Imperial Walker. The offender used the name "Jamal Lewis" in email correspondence. Oh, and when the victim provided a picture of the guy who screwed him? Yeah, it was a picture of Ron Jaworski.

And now you know.


Friday, January 08, 2010

Guidos In The Mist, Case Study A, Episode 5

Yes, I'm a week behind i.e. go fuck yourself. It took me a while to find a video of the New Year's Eve episode online. Anyways, happy holidays everyone. No, I'm just kidding, I hope your holidays sucked ass. Back to it...

The guido continues to demonstrate actual human behaviors: territoriality, companionship, and even anger when a fellow guido is attacked or threatened. Do not be swayed by MTV's attempts to humanize this species, however; they are still very much animals. In fact, it is insulting to animals to even compare them to guidos. Studies have shown that if you refer to an animal as a "cute little guido," that animal, despite its natural instinct for survival, will find a way to commit suicide. It's deeply saddening to watch an antelope shoot itself with a 12 gauge, but it happens. Yet another unfortunate consequence of allowing the modern-day guido to inhabit our otherwise peaceful ecosystem. Now let us assess our characters individually...

The Males:
Pauly D - "My hair's windproof, waterproof, soccer-proof, motorcyle-proof. I'm not sure if my hair's bullet-proof, but I'm not willing to try that." Please, please, please try that, Paulie. Please. And christ, if he says "Ones and twos" on more goddamn time, I'm gonna lose my shit.

Mike "The Situation" - The fucking most awesome dude ever at this point. Watches in amazement as Snooki gets a gorilla fist to the face, then after all of the craziness/cops/anger/yelling, he tries bringing some chick back to the house. ABC: Always Be Closing.

Vinny - Finally some air time for the tolerable one. Mildly enjoyable throughout the episode. Then he hooks up with some gap-toothed cougar that his 6'2" 130lbs boss took to dinner. Classic Vinny. Cue corny 50's music.

Ronnie - Getting really sick of this dude. We get it, bro, you're the muscled tough guy with the heart of gold. You'll smush chicks, beat up dudes, but you have a really soft, senstive side. Fuck off already. Go get neck-deep in Sammi's crap-bucket.

The Females:
Sammi "Sweetheart" - Cunt. Sure, The Situation was being a bit douchey by not picking up his plate, but for fuck's sake the dude cooked your broke-ass lobster and steak while you got a tan and took a nap. Bitch, you should be offering to do the dishes. Plus, you're a woman - know your role.

Nicole "Snooki" - The best part about her during this episode was how swole up her face was. It already looked like Yogi Berra's catcher's mitt, but during the whole episode it looked like it needed a shot of penicillin, too.
Like Mikey said in The Goonies...
"Guys, I think I have a match!"

Jenni "J-WOWW" - Getting increasingly less attractive. Before she was just a dumpster to... ya know, "put stuff" in, but now she's getting annoying. I guarantee she has a tattoo on her lower back that says, "Works best with little clothes in dark clubs with blinding strobe lights." Seriously, up close in the confessional she looks like a pre-op tranny.

Angelina - Still in the opening credits? The editors are lazy. No replacement that isn't a total bitch? The casting department is worthless. No replacement that isn't a bigger bitch? The producers are straight-up dumb. More conflict please. Hey, make Brad Ferro a housemate. I think he'd mesh well with everyone.

Interesting Things of Note:
1) Hahaha... Ronnie is so sympathetic for Snooki: "I look at her completely different now." Translation: Now that she got cracked in the face, I may consider actually paying attention to her. Probably not, though.

2) I love how Snooki acts like the second Ferro gets released from jail he's coming after her with a fucking axe. Dude was cock-ass hammered, punched her in the face, and will forever be known to the entire world as the dude that knuckle-pucked a bronze midget. Note: That's not a good thing.

3) "That's why I don't eat lobster because they're alive when you kill it." Uhhhh... pretty sure everything is alive when you kill it.

4) I don't like how they're trying to make The Situation out to be the bad guy regarding the snucker punch (you see what I did there?). In the last episode, it appeared he was buying the douchebags shots to settle the situation. Hahaha... the situation. Besides, ain't no way he's getting in any kind of scuffle - he's way too pretty. All form, no function.

5) What's with chicks putting their hand over their face when they're making out with dudes on camera? Is anyone really fooled by this? Is it really some great big mystery what's happening behind her hand? "Oh man, I wonder what they're doing under there? Probably an in-depth discussion on the reunification of Germany. Guidos love Otto von Bismarck."

6) What a bunch of hypocritcal horseshit from MTV. We see a clip of J-WOWW getting into a fight. Next episode we'll be seeing a clip of Snookster and an albino rhino throwdown. And we'll also be seeing Ronnie throw blows on the boardwalk. And yet, despite all of this, we can't see Snooki get clubbed like a baby seal in Episode 4? We're all fucking adults here, right? Let me see that bitch get MASHED.

Final Thought:
It is very interesting to see our subjects come together after the tragic incident regarding Snikester. Again, it is incorrect to assume these creatures are human, but it is an understandable error. They exhibit many traits similar to that of a human being, but lack others. Most notably: souls, internal organs, logic, fashion sense, self-respect, and a healthy dose of humility. Unfortunately, they can still reproduce, but it's very likely that Congress has a bill in the works outlawing this practice. Keep your fingers crossed. Nevertheless, it is interesting to see the loyalty and kinship displayed among our subjects. Perhaps guidos are, in fact, a caring and altruistic species. I mean, all it took for them to accept Snooki was her getting brutally blasted in the face (not in the good way).


Saturday, January 02, 2010

Lyrics Translated

"Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got, I'm still Jenny from the block." -J.Lo

"Please kind people, do not be mislead or misinformed or downright deceived by the bounties of my riches and elevated social status, I am still Jennifer Lynn Lopez, originally hailing from the South Bronx. And I'm married to Skeletor."

"All you need is love." -The Beatles

"Don't think, just fuck. And I guess hug occasionally, but that's just so Ringo doesn't feel left out."

"I've got soul but I'm not a soldier." -The Killers

"While I am quite confident in my ability to compose a catchy tune of love, loss, and the human spirit, I am dually confident that if placed on the field of battle, someone will bayonet the shit out of my candy ass."

"The best rapper alive!" -Jay-Z

"I have realized since the death of 2Pac and Biggie, that the more I emphatically shout this expression, the more people tend to believe that it is true, when in fact, it is not."

"I got a feeling... that tonight's gonna be a good night." -The Black-Eyed Peas

"We no longer have good ideas and are pretty much just phoning it in. We have officially decided that instead of writing decent music, we will no longer put any effort into anything. We are confident that we can still profit with this strategem in large part to stupidity of the American music listener. We, the Black-Eyed Peas, have decided to half-ass everything we do from this moment on and continue to make millions upon millions of dollars in spite of it. Our winning formula? Fergie in tight outfits to hide her lack of talent, in stupid hats, and a man-woman creature dancing awkwardly on stage."

"If I was invisible..." -Clay Aiken

"For some reason, I have not fallen victim to a hate-crime yet. Hooray!"

"Is it worth it? Let me work it. I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it." -Missy Elliot

"Mmmmm... cake."