Thursday, August 12, 2010

Free Loggins!

Sweet fuck, I'm busy at work tonight. Well, let me clarify: I have a lot of work to do. I'm not doing it, so technically, I'm not busy. But if I were actually doing what I get paid for, you can bet your ass I'd be pretty busy right now.

Still, I had to take a break from not doing anything to discuss the below music video.

1) For starters, I am seriously questioning that prison's security measures. Loggins escape wasn't nearly on par with that of Tango & Cash. But I guess Kenny was driven by the unstoppable power of love. Besides, you think a chain-link fence is gonna hold this guy?

2) I shamefully admit that I've never been a fugitive from the law, but if I ever was, you can rest assured I would take Loggins approach. Make sure I have an epic beard going, steal a piece of shit car, sing some song extra loud while driving down the street, and then get out of the car, bang on the hood, and sing even louder. He's so low-key he should be an international spy.

3) Let's start breaking down the charges: A) Escape from a federal penitentiary, B) Grand theft auto, and C) Wearing a leather jacket over a sleeveless white t-shirt. If he gets caught, he's probably looking at 120 years minimum.

4) Holy shit! At 1:35 one of those gang members has a pair of nunchucks. Thank god the director made sure an Asian played that role. Authenticity is crucial, which is why David Carradine playing Caine in Kung Fu was Kung stupid.

5) Okay, who the fuck is the guy with glasses at 1:49? Is that the kid from Freaks & Geeks? And if so, why are he and Kenny Loggins friends?

6) At 2:01 Kenny reveals why he was in prison in the first place. Clearly, he's a rapist.

7) Okay, apparently she loves him (or she's scared he'll rape her and kill her... or kill her and then rape her) so they run off together. Oh, two lovebirds running from the law - how romantic! Of course, the moment is totally ruined when the camera zooms in on her disapproving father at 2:39. Dear lord is he ugly. I need to staple a picture of that guy to the side of my head so women will find me far more attractive by comparison.

4) Probably the best part of the video: he's a wanted fugitive with what appears to be an underage girl, and they're just casually strolling down the street, fully aware that law enforcement authorities are chasing them down like rabid bloodhounds. And instead of heading for the border, they decide to catch the next showing of Footloose. What better way to run from the law than to be inspired by some good ol' fashioned punch-dancing.

5) Oh shit, Johnny Law is closing in on them! Time to run to the roof of a building - always the optimal escape route.

6) Alright, so the hoodlums who were giving Kenny shit in the beginning are now bum-rushing the cops. You know, the cops armed with shotguns and M16's and shit. Interesting plot twist. Still curious to see how Kenny and his slam-piece get out of this one.

7) Check 3:27. WHO THE FUCK IS THIS DUDE WITH THE GLASSES?! In fact, I have several questions: Who is he? How did he get on top of the roof? Why does he always grab one of Kenny's shoulders from behind to startle him? How come he knows the perfect escape route? Why does he look like the stereotypical computer programmer from the 80's? You just know that little fuck is going to invent Google and make millions, but he'll still be too fucking snobby to just get LASEK surgery and buy button-down shirts with long sleeves.


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