Thursday, January 14, 2010

Guidos In The Mist, Case Study A, Episde 6

This is getting difficult. I'm wondering if I become more of an asshole with every viewing of The Jersey Shore - a dangerous possibility as my asshole level is typically sky-high anyways. Nevertheless, I can't seem to shake my adoration for this program. It's got everything: stupid catch-phrases, douchey cast members, alcohol, sex (well... attempts at), violence, and maybe a song or two playing in the background... ya know, because it's MUSIC television. Again, it's hard for me to keep up since I'm a fucking caveman and don't have cable, but I'm not fat so fuck all of you. Now, let us shift back into our in-depth analysis of this miraculous creature, the guido...

The Males:
Pauly D - Not much air time for Pauly D and henceforth, not a lot of douchebaggery to comment on. So, since I'm short on material, his hair is stupid. There, that feels better.

Mike "The Situation" - Yep, officially my favorite. Again, just as a necessary disclaimer, the dude is a total douche. I get that. But he's witty and funnier than all the other cast members. All the lines about those porch-fight wildebeests were priceless. You also have to admire his persistence when it comes to calling/creeping/sniping chicks. The best part? He still hasn't gotten laid. Just waiting for him and Snookler to do the deed. Gross. Like slapping two moist pieces of roast beef together.

Vinny - Thanks to Vinny's family (mainly his mom), the world can see what good true-blooded Italians are actually like. They're family-oriented, classy, nice, generous, and fun. At least I think so - I refuse to hang out with Italian people in general. Anyways, I hope Alyssa Milano saw this episode.

Ronnie - Sure, I'm sick of him, but you gotta give the roided up freak credit for utilizing his knees huring the boardwalk brawl. A lesser guido wouldn't have been so improvisational.

The Females:
Sammi "Sweetheart" - Whoaaaaa, did you see that reaction? Someone DEFINITELY used to get made fun of in school for her freak toe. Club-footed bitch shouldn't be so sensitive.

Nicole "Snooki" - "If one thing leads to another, I'm not gonna tell him to get off." Hilarious. Why? Because you know this chick gets rooted out nightly back in Albany. She hasn't been laid once during this whole season, so at this point she'd bang even if the dude's dick was wrapped in barbed wire.

Jenni "J-WOWW" - I was kinda hoping J-WOWW would get involved in that African safari fight on the porch. She's tall so she's got good reach. Endurance might be an issue because of all the Marlboros she puffs. Her biggest weakness is the long hair (extensions) and the all-too-fucking annoying habit of bitches pulling hair during fights. It's really goddamn obnoxious. Gina Carano wouldn't pull that shit and she's Italian, you weak-ass broads.

Angelina - Thinking about composing a formal letter to MTV requesting they remove this fugly whore from the opening credits. Patience is waning. I'm 90% positive that she's responsible for the earthquake in Haiti.

Interesting Things of Note:
1) Danny (the boss) was pretty funny/cool about Vinny totally punking him. He's still a bitch because he looks like Jack Skellington, but at least he's got a sense of humor about it.

2) GTL. I don't think I need to come up with something clever for this one, do you?

3) "I didn't leave you for a girl; I'd never leave you for a girl." I'm pretty sure that Ronnie just admitted he's gay.

4) As much as I enjoy The Situation, him comparing his advances towards women to the Navy SEALs is a little disingenuous. SEALs are quite possibly the baddest motherfuckers on the planet (besides me, of course) and you are a character on a reality TV show. C'mon man, it's apples and orange fuckheads.

5) Normally, it's hard to side with guidos when they make fun of people, but they've been entirely accurate thus far. The Origial Grenade and the new Grenade Launcher - awesome nicknames, by the way - were fucking gross and needed to be tossed aside. The garbage truck comments were classic, also. And then the douche that Ronnie mauled was... well, a douche.

6) Regarding the bald dude: Look guy, yes, the Jersey Shore cast is bunch of lame-ass guido tools, but some of them are jacked up on roids, man. Just because they're being followed around by a camera crew doesn't mean they won't fight you. Sure you're on TV now, but you're the guy who got beat up by mincing pansy Teardrop Ronnie. I'd rather be known as the guy who almost broke Snickers' jaw. Thanks, Brad Ferro - as if she didn't look enough like a Picasso painting (see the poof?).

7) Good God, I am sick of all the "problems" Ronnie and Sammie are having as a "couple." He gave her a little push because she wouldn't shut her fucking mouth and she acts like he threw her down a flight of stairs while she was eight months pregnant. They always blame each other and it always ends up with Ronnie apologizing/crying like a total puss.

Final Thought:
Tonight featured varying segments highlighting many aspects of guido culture, from both ends of the spectrum. We saw the family-oriented, respectful, and caring nature of Italian-Americans. I'm talking fresh-off-the-boat Italian-Americans. And then we saw the true animalistic nature of the fully Americanized, borderline retarded guido. Almost every episode we witness their aggressive, confrontational demeanor when threatened, attacked, or hilariously punched in the face. Alyssa Milano and all the other angry (Translate: Uppity, Whiney, Self-righteous) Italian-Americans out there frustrated with this show's portrayal of Italians really should look to Vinny's family as a ray of light on this skidmark of a television show. Meanwhile, they should stop fucking complaining and pose of Playboy already (what the fuck are you waiting for, Alyssa? You ain't getting any younger). Besides, it's a well documented fact that Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia is a huge fan of J-WOWW. He's been quoted as saying, "Man, I would gavel the shit out of those fun-bags! Fake? Fuck, if I care. I'm Scalia, bitch!" That may not be entirely accurate, but the dude's got nine fucking kids - you know he likes to get nasty.



At 4:25 PM , Blogger Billy "Skipper" Hughes said...


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