Monday, December 21, 2009

Guidos In The Mist, Case Study A, Episode 4

Thank God for DailyMotion. It's like youtube, just without the anti-Semitism. So I was lucky enough to watch this past Thursday's episode. There truly was a wide assortment of fascinating interactions that occurred among our subjects. Romance, intrigue, violence, betrayal, and drunkenly searching for condoms.

A majestic creature, the guido. Day after day, it astounds the viewer with its grace and beauty, frolicing from club to club, grinding vivaciously against one of its sweaty counterparts. The guido seems to float through the world without a care, like an apparition with too much bronzer on. So far, documenting the guido in its natural habitat has been taxing, but vastly enlightening on many levels.

Let's get back to our individual assessments...

The Males:
Pauly D - Like most of the guys, he still talks a ridiculous game. And yes, he seems to bring a lot of chicks back to the house with him. But still, he hasn't dipped his wick. It does seem like he and Mike will get into a hilarious amount of antics, though. I also enjoy how he acts as though he coined the term "Fresh To Death."

Mike "The Situation" - "I'm like chill out, Freckles McGee." It's official, this guy is the fucking man. I've said a lot of shitty things about him, and sure, he's a major doucher, but that line was priceless. That's the kind of nickname I would have given that girl.

Vinny - Again, barely any airplay for this kid. Poor bastard. How will he be expected to craft his own reality spin-off?

Ronnie - Wow... despite all the muscles (steroids), beneath Ronnie's tough exterior, there's a truly deep and sensitive young man that really just wants to find someone to love and hold and comfort and cry with. Jesus... what a fucking pussy.

The Females:
Sammi "Sweetheart" - Go figure, the girl I predicted wouldn't bang ends up getting plowed on the fourth episode, before all of her seemingly whorier roommates. Just goes to show, you can't predict the sexual behavior of any woman, mostly because they're all whores.

Nicole "Snooki" - I hope I'm not the only one who can see through MTV's bullshit. Here's how it works: 1) Show the Snukester in a positive light i.e. spending a day with her mother on the Shore, 2) Remind the audience she's a human (debatable), 3) Demonstrate she has been accepted by her peers, and finally 4) Punch her in the face. Now, I'm a dick if I don't feel bad for her.

Jenni "J-WOWW" - Really, J-WOWW talks about how in love she is with her boyfriend, but she also says that she's insane if she's single. What do you think would be better for the ratings, J-WOWW? Dump that douche and starting boning your way across Seaside, girl! But for God's sake, don't EVER be on camera without your make-up properly applied.

Angelina - Why is this dumptruck of a broad still featured on the opening credits? I have a feeling this bitch menstruates 32 days a month.

Interesting Things of Note:
1) Sammi and Ronnie finally banged. Nice use of the fireworks, MTV. I bet she was boring, though. "Bit of a dead fish, right? I mean, she just laid there and took it like a plastic fuck-doll." -Beerfest.

2) The dudes gym routine was pathetic, as expected. I'm sure they did more, but all that was documented was A) The Elliptical, B) Bosu Ball Medicine Ball Sit-ups, and C) A Kick To A Punching Bag. I heard on Conan that "The Situation" might have his own workout video or something in the future. I'll bet a million dollars he doesn't have deadlifts in there.

3) "It was house music; we were all battling." I actually checked and it turns out that white people still aren't allowed to use that word.

4) Snooki's never-ending issues with the duck phone provide nonstop entertainment.

5) I began this endeavor to make fun of guidos and bask in the outlandishness of this show. At first, I committed to this against my better judgment, worrying what would become of my sanity. Now, I'm worried. Nay, terrified. Because I think I might actually like this show.

6) Christ, even the barbers on the Jersey Shore are douchebags.

7) Last installment, I was excited for Snookie to get punched in the face. Don't get me wrong, I still found it entertaining as hell, but upon viewing the surrounding circumstances of the incident, I'll admit even I feel a little bad for her. Brad Ferro and his friends were major tools. So much so that they made the Jersey Shore cast seem almost tolerable. Sure, Snooki is annoying/ugly/stupid/pathetic, but if she's gonna get blasted in the face (haha), you'd rather it be done by some triumphant badass like Brad Pitt in Troy. Or at least let Barack Obama crack her in the mouth. That might stimulate the economy.

Final Thought:

The focal point of this particular facet of the experiment, aside from the Snooki snuff-fest, was male guidos and their interactions with females, or guidettes (that is the last time I will ever write or say that fucking word). What is most notable regarding these interactions is that some women actually find these guido guys attractive. It's mind-boggling, for sure. The average male watches ass-puppets like Paulie and Mike bring women home constantly and simply cannot fathom it. Upon keen observations, it boils down to one distinctive trait most guidos possess: Confidence. Dismally, the archetypal guido's level of confidence is rarely healthy. They often times boil over into pure cockiness, while the more extreme cases reach heights of fanatical megolomania. But many women are too dumb to see the differences.

Still, we must believe that perhaps the average woman does not find the guido appealing. Perhaps the women constantly flirting or hooking up with our beloved cast members are just your everyday, average, depressed, sad, lonely, pathetic, insecure semen dumpsters with daddy issues. If that is the case, then the average guy can sleep easy, knowing that all it really takes to get laid is a little hair gel, a little tan, and a tiny penis.



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