Not Now, Chief... I'm In The Fuckin' Zone

It's been talked about ad nauseum already I'm sure, but alas, even I have to devote a little time to it. The new Jersey Shore show on MTV (can we please stop calling it MTV now? For fuck's sake, I can't remember the last time an actual MUSIC video was played for more than 30 seconds. Isn't every show a reality show now anyways?). It premiered not long ago and, to be totally honest, I'm a little sad I missed it.

At this point, it's obvious to even the casual reader of CTYA that I have a lot of "dislikes" so to speak. I also have a lot of "Fucking Loathes" as well. I dislike stubbing my toe, people named Travis, getting stuck in traffic, prick cops, and most of my coworkers. I fucking loathe cab drivers, homeless people, Kevin Leam, know-it-alls, women who don't swallow, Steve Jobs, and liberal hippie pigs. I take that back. I only dislike women who don't swallow. I really appreciate them putting my dick in their mouth. But one thing in particular has always had a special place in my hateful heart: scummy, greasy, lame-ass guidos.

They've been mocked and disparaged for years now, so I won't go too deep into it. Here are some basic characteristics of the typical guido:

1) Tan i.e. way too tan
2) Lip gloss
3) Tight shirts, typically the Ed Hardy variety
4) Expensive clothing, automobiles, jewelry... likely living in a shithole
5) "Blow-out" style haircuts. Ew.
6) Steroids
7) Stupid tattoos.
8) Big sunglasses, preferably worn indoors
9) Fist-pumping
10) Drinking
11) Bad dancing
12) A level of cockiness unbeknownst to even Lex Luger.
13) With said narcissism, an absurd level of insecurity as well

Note: Not every guido exhibits these traits, but they're the most common. Here are some facts that most people do not know about the guido...

Unfortunately, the guido is immune to fashion sense, self-respect, logic, and snake venom. Guidos are also prone to perfectly rational reactions to crises. Even more unfortunate, the guido thrives off the negative energy of normal human beings. In other words, the more one hates the guido, the harder the guido's fist will pump to Lucas Prata. This Catch-22 situation presents quite the conundrum for us normal folk. Obviously, it's impossible to like the guido, and therefore, it's doubly impossible to not hate the living shit out of them. For this very reason, MTV has decided to devote an entire reality series to this rare species (let's be fair, the last thing the guido has a grasp on is reality).

MTV almost certainly chose to do this after the feedback from Jersey Tommy's escapades:
True Life: I Have A Summer Share: Part 1, Part 2, & Part 3.

And now, MTV has developed one of its patented reality series documenting the guido in its natural habitat: a dimly lit, sweaty club in Seaside Heights, New Jersey. Or the beach, apparently.


In lieu of this inauspicious moment in television history, I have decided to sacrifice myself for the greater good. Initially, I planned on doing one quick post on how much hippo cock these guys blow, but now, with the severity and absurdity of the series no longer foreign to me, I feel it is my duty to devote some time to this abortion of humanity. Like Jane Goodall entrenching herself in the savannahs of Africa to study the secluded mountain gorilla, I will be immersing myself in this show with a view to provide insight and feedback about the guido and its lifestyle.

This case study will be aptly titled Guidos In The Mist. Please pray for me as I partake in this risky and dangerous endeavor. My only hope is that I can impart some knowledge to my faithful readers... and not kill anyone in the process.

GUIDOS IN THE MIST COMING SOON!