Friday, October 30, 2009

Papa Schmidt

So I'm meeting my friend Katie's father this weekend. It's pretty much inevitable that Katie and I are going to bang, she'll fall in love with me, and then fake a pregnancy so we end up getting married. I've got no problems with her deception, and really, it's a solid gameplan. I'm quite a catch, after all. But if I'm meeting my future father-in-law in a few days, I need to make a good impression. So what should I say to him? Here's a list of potential ice-breakers:

1) "Hey, it's great to finally meet you. Don't let my mutton chops fool you, I've been pulling WAY out."

2) "Well, now I see where Katie gets her firm grip and good looks from, you handsome devil you!"

3) "Hi, I'm Q. I have an awful government job, shit salary, no prospects, no self-respect, and full-blown plan to impregnate your daughter with a spit-spewing half-retarded baby. But I'm a Yankees fan, so none of that should matter."

4) "You got some sweet calves, bro." Don't give him a chance to answer and walk off quietly.

5) "Man, those Buffalo Bills sure do suck, huh?"

6) "Tom? What are you doing here? Look, I told you, it's over. You have to stop this. You can't just follow me around DC and show up to the same dinner parties as me. Tom, what we had in Charlotte... oh, it was something magical. It really was. But it's over now. You have to let it go. You have to let me go. What's that? You're Katie's dad?? No shit... small world."

7) "Hello, kind sir." Immediately follow this up by casually removing the hamster from my underwear and placing it next to the sweet potatoes.

8) "I figured you would have been taller, given how much Katie enjoys being on top."

Let me know which one you think will work best.

Sidenote: I don't understand how a last name can have six consonants and only one fucking vowel. Germans, man... Germans...


At 11:58 PM , Blogger Katie said...

Lucky for you I just googled his name, and in the first five pages this blog does not come up. Crisis averted :)


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