Jersey Lazy

I admit it, I suck. I never finished Guidos In The Mist last season and this year's Jersey Shore is already like seven episodes deep. I've been slacking hard. But that doesn't mean I haven't been watching Jersey Shore. It's still the most unbridled batch of ridiculousness ever. To let you know what I think of this season thus far, here is an email exchange between my sister and I...


I hate Sammi so fucking much. Just watched the latest episode. Here's my take...

>> You're right - Paulie is fucking awesome. Dude has gotten exponentially funnier each episode. The "cabs are here" dance and his Snookie impersonation = Win.

>> The Situation is still the man, although doing push-ups or any kind of "pump up" exercise before going out is ultimately ineffective.

>> I really hope Ronnie just keeps on cheating on Sam throughout the season. That cunt is unbearable.

>> J-WOWW better get a rematch. I think she would fucking annihilate Sam given another chance.

>> Snookie is... well, at least she's finally getting plowed this season. Poor bitch couldn't buy a lay last season.

>> Angelina is gross on so many levels. Voice, appearance, personality. I still maintain that she is the reason for that earthquake in Haiti.

The End.

~Q~

P.S. HAHAHAHAHAHAH... Admittedly, I wrote most of the above before watching the entire episode. This gem was priceless: "Can we stop so Vinnie can buy a Fossil watch? Tryin to get in there, bro." Jesus... and then he finishes with the Staten Island dump line. More Paulie. Dude rules.


I hate her too, but a lot of my friends want her to kick Jwoww's ass because they think Jwoww is a bully. I think she can be, but only when she needs to be. I think JWoww is a good friend and she and Snooki got screwed with this whole letter thing. I hate it when someone gets cheated on and blames other people instead of their girlfriend or boyfriend who actually broke their trust, etc.

I would be fine if Sammi and Angelina never came back. Actually, I think Angelina is not coming back for season 3.


Oh god, did you really have to get all analytical with it, Jules? "I think JWoww is a good friend and she and Snooki got screwed with this whole letter thing." Before we delve into the psyche and emotions of these characters, let's keep one thing in mind: they're not human. It's a widely known fact that the guido is of an entirely different strand of species. One comprised of Axe body spray, hair gel, increased artificial melanin, sweat, and fruit-flavored vodka. To even suggest they share the emotions with actual people is an insult to our genome. Now, onto business...

I guess I can see where J-Woww can be a bully, but I like to think she's just insane. Your friends must be crazy, too, though. Even if someone disagrees with the actions of a "bully," how could they prefer Sammi's horseshit? Fuck, if it were up to me, I'd have Vlad The Impaler reincarnated to mangle that cunt. And Sammi getting mad about the letter rather than Ronnie's actions just proves my universal point: Women are fucking crazy.

The producers love Angelina because she is a drama machine. I doubt it would happen, but I'd love to see her get punched in the face this season. Preferably by Mike Tyson. Wearing diamond-studded brass knuckles.

Guidos In The Mist, Case Study A, Episde 6

This is getting difficult. I'm wondering if I become more of an asshole with every viewing of The Jersey Shore - a dangerous possibility as my asshole level is typically sky-high anyways. Nevertheless, I can't seem to shake my adoration for this program. It's got everything: stupid catch-phrases, douchey cast members, alcohol, sex (well... attempts at), violence, and maybe a song or two playing in the background... ya know, because it's MUSIC television. Again, it's hard for me to keep up since I'm a fucking caveman and don't have cable, but I'm not fat so fuck all of you. Now, let us shift back into our in-depth analysis of this miraculous creature, the guido...


The Males:
Pauly D - Not much air time for Pauly D and henceforth, not a lot of douchebaggery to comment on. So, since I'm short on material, his hair is stupid. There, that feels better.

Mike "The Situation" - Yep, officially my favorite. Again, just as a necessary disclaimer, the dude is a total douche. I get that. But he's witty and funnier than all the other cast members. All the lines about those porch-fight wildebeests were priceless. You also have to admire his persistence when it comes to calling/creeping/sniping chicks. The best part? He still hasn't gotten laid. Just waiting for him and Snookler to do the deed. Gross. Like slapping two moist pieces of roast beef together.

Vinny - Thanks to Vinny's family (mainly his mom), the world can see what good true-blooded Italians are actually like. They're family-oriented, classy, nice, generous, and fun. At least I think so - I refuse to hang out with Italian people in general. Anyways, I hope Alyssa Milano saw this episode.

Ronnie - Sure, I'm sick of him, but you gotta give the roided up freak credit for utilizing his knees huring the boardwalk brawl. A lesser guido wouldn't have been so improvisational.

The Females:
Sammi "Sweetheart" - Whoaaaaa, did you see that reaction? Someone DEFINITELY used to get made fun of in school for her freak toe. Club-footed bitch shouldn't be so sensitive.

Nicole "Snooki" - "If one thing leads to another, I'm not gonna tell him to get off." Hilarious. Why? Because you know this chick gets rooted out nightly back in Albany. She hasn't been laid once during this whole season, so at this point she'd bang even if the dude's dick was wrapped in barbed wire.

Jenni "J-WOWW" - I was kinda hoping J-WOWW would get involved in that African safari fight on the porch. She's tall so she's got good reach. Endurance might be an issue because of all the Marlboros she puffs. Her biggest weakness is the long hair (extensions) and the all-too-fucking annoying habit of bitches pulling hair during fights. It's really goddamn obnoxious. Gina Carano wouldn't pull that shit and she's Italian, you weak-ass broads.

Angelina - Thinking about composing a formal letter to MTV requesting they remove this fugly whore from the opening credits. Patience is waning. I'm 90% positive that she's responsible for the earthquake in Haiti.


Interesting Things of Note:
1) Danny (the boss) was pretty funny/cool about Vinny totally punking him. He's still a bitch because he looks like Jack Skellington, but at least he's got a sense of humor about it.

2) GTL. I don't think I need to come up with something clever for this one, do you?

3) "I didn't leave you for a girl; I'd never leave you for a girl." I'm pretty sure that Ronnie just admitted he's gay.

4) As much as I enjoy The Situation, him comparing his advances towards women to the Navy SEALs is a little disingenuous. SEALs are quite possibly the baddest motherfuckers on the planet (besides me, of course) and you are a character on a reality TV show. C'mon man, it's apples and orange fuckheads.

5) Normally, it's hard to side with guidos when they make fun of people, but they've been entirely accurate thus far. The Origial Grenade and the new Grenade Launcher - awesome nicknames, by the way - were fucking gross and needed to be tossed aside. The garbage truck comments were classic, also. And then the douche that Ronnie mauled was... well, a douche.

6) Regarding the bald dude: Look guy, yes, the Jersey Shore cast is bunch of lame-ass guido tools, but some of them are jacked up on roids, man. Just because they're being followed around by a camera crew doesn't mean they won't fight you. Sure you're on TV now, but you're the guy who got beat up by mincing pansy Teardrop Ronnie. I'd rather be known as the guy who almost broke Snickers' jaw. Thanks, Brad Ferro - as if she didn't look enough like a Picasso painting (see the poof?).

7) Good God, I am sick of all the "problems" Ronnie and Sammie are having as a "couple." He gave her a little push because she wouldn't shut her fucking mouth and she acts like he threw her down a flight of stairs while she was eight months pregnant. They always blame each other and it always ends up with Ronnie apologizing/crying like a total puss.


Final Thought:
Tonight featured varying segments highlighting many aspects of guido culture, from both ends of the spectrum. We saw the family-oriented, respectful, and caring nature of Italian-Americans. I'm talking fresh-off-the-boat Italian-Americans. And then we saw the true animalistic nature of the fully Americanized, borderline retarded guido. Almost every episode we witness their aggressive, confrontational demeanor when threatened, attacked, or hilariously punched in the face. Alyssa Milano and all the other angry (Translate: Uppity, Whiney, Self-righteous) Italian-Americans out there frustrated with this show's portrayal of Italians really should look to Vinny's family as a ray of light on this skidmark of a television show. Meanwhile, they should stop fucking complaining and pose of Playboy already (what the fuck are you waiting for, Alyssa? You ain't getting any younger). Besides, it's a well documented fact that Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia is a huge fan of J-WOWW. He's been quoted as saying, "Man, I would gavel the shit out of those fun-bags! Fake? Fuck, if I care. I'm Scalia, bitch!" That may not be entirely accurate, but the dude's got nine fucking kids - you know he likes to get nasty.

Guidos In The Mist, Case Study A, Episode 5

Yes, I'm a week behind i.e. go fuck yourself. It took me a while to find a video of the New Year's Eve episode online. Anyways, happy holidays everyone. No, I'm just kidding, I hope your holidays sucked ass. Back to it...

The guido continues to demonstrate actual human behaviors: territoriality, companionship, and even anger when a fellow guido is attacked or threatened. Do not be swayed by MTV's attempts to humanize this species, however; they are still very much animals. In fact, it is insulting to animals to even compare them to guidos. Studies have shown that if you refer to an animal as a "cute little guido," that animal, despite its natural instinct for survival, will find a way to commit suicide. It's deeply saddening to watch an antelope shoot itself with a 12 gauge, but it happens. Yet another unfortunate consequence of allowing the modern-day guido to inhabit our otherwise peaceful ecosystem. Now let us assess our characters individually...


The Males:
Pauly D - "My hair's windproof, waterproof, soccer-proof, motorcyle-proof. I'm not sure if my hair's bullet-proof, but I'm not willing to try that." Please, please, please try that, Paulie. Please. And christ, if he says "Ones and twos" on more goddamn time, I'm gonna lose my shit.

Mike "The Situation" - The fucking most awesome dude ever at this point. Watches in amazement as Snooki gets a gorilla fist to the face, then after all of the craziness/cops/anger/yelling, he tries bringing some chick back to the house. ABC: Always Be Closing.

Vinny - Finally some air time for the tolerable one. Mildly enjoyable throughout the episode. Then he hooks up with some gap-toothed cougar that his 6'2" 130lbs boss took to dinner. Classic Vinny. Cue corny 50's music.

Ronnie - Getting really sick of this dude. We get it, bro, you're the muscled tough guy with the heart of gold. You'll smush chicks, beat up dudes, but you have a really soft, senstive side. Fuck off already. Go get neck-deep in Sammi's crap-bucket.

The Females:
Sammi "Sweetheart" - Cunt. Sure, The Situation was being a bit douchey by not picking up his plate, but for fuck's sake the dude cooked your broke-ass lobster and steak while you got a tan and took a nap. Bitch, you should be offering to do the dishes. Plus, you're a woman - know your role.

Nicole "Snooki" - The best part about her during this episode was how swole up her face was. It already looked like Yogi Berra's catcher's mitt, but during the whole episode it looked like it needed a shot of penicillin, too.

Like Mikey said in The Goonies...

"Guys, I think I have a match!"

Jenni "J-WOWW" - Getting increasingly less attractive. Before she was just a dumpster to... ya know, "put stuff" in, but now she's getting annoying. I guarantee she has a tattoo on her lower back that says, "Works best with little clothes in dark clubs with blinding strobe lights." Seriously, up close in the confessional she looks like a pre-op tranny.

Angelina - Still in the opening credits? The editors are lazy. No replacement that isn't a total bitch? The casting department is worthless. No replacement that isn't a bigger bitch? The producers are straight-up dumb. More conflict please. Hey, make Brad Ferro a housemate. I think he'd mesh well with everyone.


Interesting Things of Note:
1) Hahaha... Ronnie is so sympathetic for Snooki: "I look at her completely different now." Translation: Now that she got cracked in the face, I may consider actually paying attention to her. Probably not, though.

2) I love how Snooki acts like the second Ferro gets released from jail he's coming after her with a fucking axe. Dude was cock-ass hammered, punched her in the face, and will forever be known to the entire world as the dude that knuckle-pucked a bronze midget. Note: That's not a good thing.

3) "That's why I don't eat lobster because they're alive when you kill it." Uhhhh... pretty sure everything is alive when you kill it.

4) I don't like how they're trying to make The Situation out to be the bad guy regarding the snucker punch (you see what I did there?). In the last episode, it appeared he was buying the douchebags shots to settle the situation. Hahaha... the situation. Besides, ain't no way he's getting in any kind of scuffle - he's way too pretty. All form, no function.

5) What's with chicks putting their hand over their face when they're making out with dudes on camera? Is anyone really fooled by this? Is it really some great big mystery what's happening behind her hand? "Oh man, I wonder what they're doing under there? Probably an in-depth discussion on the reunification of Germany. Guidos love Otto von Bismarck."

6) What a bunch of hypocritcal horseshit from MTV. We see a clip of J-WOWW getting into a fight. Next episode we'll be seeing a clip of Snookster and an albino rhino throwdown. And we'll also be seeing Ronnie throw blows on the boardwalk. And yet, despite all of this, we can't see Snooki get clubbed like a baby seal in Episode 4? We're all fucking adults here, right? Let me see that bitch get MASHED.


Final Thought:
It is very interesting to see our subjects come together after the tragic incident regarding Snikester. Again, it is incorrect to assume these creatures are human, but it is an understandable error. They exhibit many traits similar to that of a human being, but lack others. Most notably: souls, internal organs, logic, fashion sense, self-respect, and a healthy dose of humility. Unfortunately, they can still reproduce, but it's very likely that Congress has a bill in the works outlawing this practice. Keep your fingers crossed. Nevertheless, it is interesting to see the loyalty and kinship displayed among our subjects. Perhaps guidos are, in fact, a caring and altruistic species. I mean, all it took for them to accept Snooki was her getting brutally blasted in the face (not in the good way).

Guidos In The Mist, Case Study A, Episode 4

Thank God for DailyMotion. It's like youtube, just without the anti-Semitism. So I was lucky enough to watch this past Thursday's episode. There truly was a wide assortment of fascinating interactions that occurred among our subjects. Romance, intrigue, violence, betrayal, and drunkenly searching for condoms.

A majestic creature, the guido. Day after day, it astounds the viewer with its grace and beauty, frolicing from club to club, grinding vivaciously against one of its sweaty counterparts. The guido seems to float through the world without a care, like an apparition with too much bronzer on. So far, documenting the guido in its natural habitat has been taxing, but vastly enlightening on many levels.

Let's get back to our individual assessments...


The Males:
Pauly D - Like most of the guys, he still talks a ridiculous game. And yes, he seems to bring a lot of chicks back to the house with him. But still, he hasn't dipped his wick. It does seem like he and Mike will get into a hilarious amount of antics, though. I also enjoy how he acts as though he coined the term "Fresh To Death."

Mike "The Situation" - "I'm like chill out, Freckles McGee." It's official, this guy is the fucking man. I've said a lot of shitty things about him, and sure, he's a major doucher, but that line was priceless. That's the kind of nickname I would have given that girl.

Vinny - Again, barely any airplay for this kid. Poor bastard. How will he be expected to craft his own reality spin-off?

Ronnie - Wow... despite all the muscles (steroids), beneath Ronnie's tough exterior, there's a truly deep and sensitive young man that really just wants to find someone to love and hold and comfort and cry with. Jesus... what a fucking pussy.

The Females:
Sammi "Sweetheart" - Go figure, the girl I predicted wouldn't bang ends up getting plowed on the fourth episode, before all of her seemingly whorier roommates. Just goes to show, you can't predict the sexual behavior of any woman, mostly because they're all whores.

Nicole "Snooki" - I hope I'm not the only one who can see through MTV's bullshit. Here's how it works: 1) Show the Snukester in a positive light i.e. spending a day with her mother on the Shore, 2) Remind the audience she's a human (debatable), 3) Demonstrate she has been accepted by her peers, and finally 4) Punch her in the face. Now, I'm a dick if I don't feel bad for her.

Jenni "J-WOWW" - Really, J-WOWW talks about how in love she is with her boyfriend, but she also says that she's insane if she's single. What do you think would be better for the ratings, J-WOWW? Dump that douche and starting boning your way across Seaside, girl! But for God's sake, don't EVER be on camera without your make-up properly applied.

Angelina - Why is this dumptruck of a broad still featured on the opening credits? I have a feeling this bitch menstruates 32 days a month.


Interesting Things of Note:
1) Sammi and Ronnie finally banged. Nice use of the fireworks, MTV. I bet she was boring, though. "Bit of a dead fish, right? I mean, she just laid there and took it like a plastic fuck-doll." -Beerfest.

2) The dudes gym routine was pathetic, as expected. I'm sure they did more, but all that was documented was A) The Elliptical, B) Bosu Ball Medicine Ball Sit-ups, and C) A Kick To A Punching Bag. I heard on Conan that "The Situation" might have his own workout video or something in the future. I'll bet a million dollars he doesn't have deadlifts in there.

3) "It was house music; we were all battling." I actually checked and it turns out that white people still aren't allowed to use that word.

4) Snooki's never-ending issues with the duck phone provide nonstop entertainment.

5) I began this endeavor to make fun of guidos and bask in the outlandishness of this show. At first, I committed to this against my better judgment, worrying what would become of my sanity. Now, I'm worried. Nay, terrified. Because I think I might actually like this show.

6) Christ, even the barbers on the Jersey Shore are douchebags.

7) Last installment, I was excited for Snookie to get punched in the face. Don't get me wrong, I still found it entertaining as hell, but upon viewing the surrounding circumstances of the incident, I'll admit even I feel a little bad for her. Brad Ferro and his friends were major tools. So much so that they made the Jersey Shore cast seem almost tolerable. Sure, Snooki is annoying/ugly/stupid/pathetic, but if she's gonna get blasted in the face (haha), you'd rather it be done by some triumphant badass like Brad Pitt in Troy. Or at least let Barack Obama crack her in the mouth. That might stimulate the economy.


Final Thought:

The focal point of this particular facet of the experiment, aside from the Snooki snuff-fest, was male guidos and their interactions with females, or guidettes (that is the last time I will ever write or say that fucking word). What is most notable regarding these interactions is that some women actually find these guido guys attractive. It's mind-boggling, for sure. The average male watches ass-puppets like Paulie and Mike bring women home constantly and simply cannot fathom it. Upon keen observations, it boils down to one distinctive trait most guidos possess: Confidence. Dismally, the archetypal guido's level of confidence is rarely healthy. They often times boil over into pure cockiness, while the more extreme cases reach heights of fanatical megolomania. But many women are too dumb to see the differences.

Still, we must believe that perhaps the average woman does not find the guido appealing. Perhaps the women constantly flirting or hooking up with our beloved cast members are just your everyday, average, depressed, sad, lonely, pathetic, insecure semen dumpsters with daddy issues. If that is the case, then the average guy can sleep easy, knowing that all it really takes to get laid is a little hair gel, a little tan, and a tiny penis.

Guidos In The Mist, Case Study A, Episode 3

Well fuck me all to hell. I watched Episode 3 last week and got some good information on our test subjects. I come into work this week and apparently I need a Flash Player update. Well, MTV, the United States fucking government doesn't look too kindly on Flash Player updates. So now, I can't re-watch Episode 3 to be more insightful and funny and entertaining and hip and all that other shit. What's more is that I fear I won't be able to watch the newer episodes as the season progresses. How will I survive without the arrogance and stupidity of my beloved guidos? How will I be able to live with my own pathetic existence if I can't constantly compare it to the cast of anus puss on that show? Something must be done. I don't know what yet, but by God, I'll figure something out.


Okay, on Episode 3 some girl named Angelica or Anglican or something got kicked off for being a rabid cunt. J-WOWW got dumped by her boyfriend in simply awesome fashion - Click. Dial Tone. Dumped. More jealousy and angst brews in the Tanned Triangle or whatever MTV is calling it. And Snooki experiences what appears to be a seizure in a bar. No one seems to notice.

Now, onto individual specimen analysis...


The Males:
Pauly D - He put charcoal on a gas grill. I really don't think anything else needs to be said.

Mike "The Situation" - Jealous and insecure yet vainly trying to seem confident and awesome. The more I watch this guy talk into the camera, the more and more he looks like a 40 year-old dude. His awkward laugh during the Snooki/Ryder display was pretty goddamn funny, though. Really not sure why him or Ronnie give a shit about Sammi. I suppose because she's the least likely you'd find blowing a hobo in a dumpster behind the local Sonic.

Vinny - Didn't get a lot of coverage in this episode. It's probably because, out of the entire group, he's the most normal of anybody. He's not banging anyone in the house, he doesn't have a boyfriend/girlfriend back home, and he doesn't have a stupid fucking nickname for his abs.

Ronnie - Sure, he's a juiced up freak, but he's growing on me a little bit. Like a rash. He makes fun of everyone and in Episode 2 he quoted "Knocked Up" in reference to pink-eye. But until he throws it in Sammi, he's still pretty average and boring.

The Females:
Sammi "Sweetheart" - So far, not plowed. Prediction in tact. Oh Ronnie and her had sex? Really? Are you sure? I bet they just "talked all night." No way Sammi would give it up that soon. She's classy. C'mon, her nickname is "Sweetheart"!

Nicole "Snooki" - "I fuckin' killed it on the dance floor." Something defintely died during that display. Probably every erection ever.

Jenni "J-WOWW" - This chick is so trashy, her bombs are crazy fake, and no matter what time of day, she sounds like she's been puffing Marlboros since birth. And yet, I can't get enough of her. This is the kind of broad Tiger Woods would bang on the side.

Angelina - Is she still on the show? Oh, she left? Huh... didn't even notice. Hope she crashed her car on the way back to Yawn City.


Interesting Things of Note:
1) Christ, guidos start holding hands very quickly. Like after one date. I would never hold my girlfriend's hand and we dated for months. Of course, that's probably because her hands always smelled like other guy's dicks.

2) Hmmm... so MTV has a bunch of reality shows and they're always sure to leave cameras in the bedroom. Naturally, they never show any of the intercourse, which is understandable. But whoever edits together every episode sure as shit sees it. And I can't decide if that's more of a punishment than a luxury, watching drunken sweaty guidos bang each other out.

3) Hahhaahhaha... at the end, when Ronnie gets back from the club all pissed about Sammi giving her number out, he walks into the house with his shirt already off and I'm ready to see him start punching and breaking shit. Instead, he lies face-down on his bed and sulks like a little bitch. Thank you, MTV. This shit is solid gold.

4) I love how the club they frequent is called Karma. Maybe the creation of this show is God's way of getting back at me for all the deplorable shit I've done. Well played, Big Guy.

5) "Honestly, like, I'm sick. When you're sick, like, honestly..." That sentence was almost a palindrome.

6) God does exist: The Jersey Shore Nickname Generator. Mine is "Bones."

7) Man, someone sure should punch Snooki in the face...


Final Thought:
Unfortunately, MTV is pulling this clip from next week's episode...


Snooki Knocked Out on Jersey Shore REMIX - Watch more Funny Videos

Such a shame that it's getting pulled. I'm not condoning violence against women by any means. Violence against women is a shameful and disgusting thing. Violence against hobbits, however - guido hobbits at that - is just plain fun. It doesn't seem that we can watch it in High Quality, but I think we all can agree it already is high quality! Oh yeah - high five for that joke!

FYI: I've had like seven different videos posted while drafting this post. One by one they become dead links because youtube and MTV and Viacom are pussies. There was a really awesome one with a Lil' John song remix, too. Thank God for Break.com. Huffington Post, a website this terrorist that I know reads, also has the actual clip here (for now).

Guidos In The Mist - Case Study A, Episode 2

In Episode 2 of our extensive case study on the behavioral patterns of the modern-day guido, we are shown a deeper view into this fascinating creature's lifestyle. Well, not really. It's pretty much the exact same shit we saw in the last episode.

Also, for the record, my posts will not be up to date with each episode because A) I don't have cable, B) I barely watch TV, C) I have to watch each 40 minute episode at work, and D) Gathering my almost innumerable case notes and recording them here in a readable fashion for the layperson is tough work. Take it or leave it. Now, individual assessment for specimen during Episode 2...

The Males:
Pauly D - Naturally, after a swift (and cheap) punch to some guy's face, Pauly D acts like he's King Leonidas in 300. I am surprised he didn't punch the guy and immediately sprint off in the other direction. The punch itself looked like a graze at best, but of course, to hear him or his boys tell it, the guy's head is hanging off his neck like a fucking Pez dispenser.

Mike "The Situation" - His narcissism was really on point this episode. Sky-rocketing through the roof. Dude, seriously, give it up with the abs already. "It's not a matter of if Sammi and I are gonna hook up, it's when I decide." And then she hooks up with Ronnie. What do we call that, people? Poetry.

Vinny - Jokingly dances with fat chicks, gets pink eye, and seems to genuinely feel bad about missing his shift at work. I'm liking this guy more and more each episode. DISCLAIMER: He is still a tool.

Ronnie - Awwwww shit, sweeping in and taking Sammi for himself! Bold move, Hairless-Gorilla-Man. Not like "The Situation" is going to do anything, but it did provide ample drama to an otherwise boring episode.

The Females:
Sammi "Sweetheart" - Oh yeah, play with their emotions, string 'em along, screw somebody over, remain cute and innocent. The worst part about Sammi is despite all of the awesome drama she will definitely provide, I guarantee she doesn't get plowed by anyone for the whole season. Weak.

Nicole "Snooki" - The Snukester has trouble pulling ass at the club. Really? How can you not find a dude to fuck you? You're surrounded by a bunch of greaseballs who just want sex. And you manage to bring home a dude that yacks all over your deck? Holy Schnikies, Snooksty Snikester!

Jenni "J-WOWW" - "I will not cheat on my boyfriend." "I think I just cheated on my boyfriend." Hahaha. Did anyone not see this coming?

Angelina - Lazy. Cock-block. A self-righteous bitch. What would a "reality" series be if we didn't have one of these? You all remember Coral, right? Although, I might give Coral a pass because I forgot how monstrous her jugs were. Speaking of which, now that her reality TV run is over, has Coral gotten a fucking job yet? Like a real job that doesn't involve other washed-up reality personalities or cameras or stupid fucking challenges? Man, talk about milking it for all it's worth. Hahaha. Jugs. Milking it. Oh wait, I'm supposed to be talking about Angelina. Ya see? It just proves my point from the last post: totally forgettable.


Interesting Things of Note:
1) The production talent MTV has is absolutely top-notch. Using romantic music when Sammi and Mike are making out and then depressing shit when Mike is "heartbroken." Like the audience has somehow forgot that these cretins aren't even real human beings.

2) That is the perfect store for them to work at. It's one of the lamest aspects of any beach vacation destination. Just like the cast of Jersey Shore.

3) This will likely be a recurring theme, but do you think all of the hoodrats the guys bring home are interested or they just want to be on TV? In either case, they're still hoodrats, God bless 'em.

4) Another theme I definitely predict will continue: Every single girl one of the guys brings home will be labeled a "slut" or "whore" by the girls that live in the house. It's science.

5) Other recurring themes to look out for: hair gel, hairspray, tight clothes, no clothes, vomit, excessive alcohol consumption, bad dancing, fist pumping, kissing, grinding, kissing, grinding, that goddamn hot tub, skanks, sluts, whores, breasts, abs, tans, tattoos, J-Lo sunglasses (on dudes), little scuffles or shouting matches i.e. no real fights, more calls to home on the duck phone, Ron-Ron Juice, venereal diseases, stupid slogans on cheap t-shirts, crying, fighting, yelling, some sex, some failed attempts at sex, cockblocking, shots, HAM, and a whole lot of *bleeping*.


Final Thought:
Is the guido capable of romantic emotion? Upon observing the jealous behavior of Mike, it would appear so, but don't be fooled. While it may seem that his heart was broken, it is worth noting that guidos don't actually have organs. Or souls. Countless studies have shown that guidos have actually been known to sustain themselves with the tears of people who cry during The Biggest Loser. In other studies, it appears the guido's main source of nourishment is Antoine Walker replays. It's been said that the visual stimulation of witnessting Antoine's fat, lazy ass awkwardly trudge down the basketball court is enough to trigger the raging libido of the guido species. That, and of course, vodka.

Guidos In The Mist - Case Study A, Episode 1

One thing is certain: MTV has a pretty standard formula. One huge (undeserved) house occupied by eight slutty egomaniacs, filled with an abundant amount of alcohol, a cakewalk job, condoms (hopefully), and a camera crew. Boom. Hit TV series. "The Jersey Shore" is basically "The Real World" but with less imaginative characters. Luckily, I know some of the casting directors from MTV and they forwarded me the outline for casting standards for both shows. Check it out...

So what we have here is an absolutely obscene collection of egos cluttered into an amazing house with all sorts of tacky shit on the walls. These egos, amazingly, are exponentially more potent and volatile than any ever found on The Real World. Henceforth, the results will be pure madness. MTV provides cast member bios here. But naturally, their shit is trite. Here is my official breakdown of each cast member after watching the series premiere...


The Males:
Pauly D - Gross. The quintessential guido. And fuck, I hate seeing my name so close to that word.

Mike "The Situation" - I did like his initial reaction to Snuki's drunken antics, but the dude is in love with his abs. Abs are old news.

Vinny - So far, the best one. By all accounts, a tool, but in comparison to the rest, mildly tolerable.

Ronnie - This dude just won't put a shirt on. It's common knowledge man, everyone already knows: Roids get Results.

The Females:
Sammi "Sweetheart" - Oh, I'm so excited for the romance between Sweetheart and The Situation to develop! Can we just call it "The Sweetheart's Situation" and get it over with? So adorable. And disgusting.

Nicole "Snooki" - An absolute trainwreck. Girl weights 92lbs, walks in, starts taking shots, cries, then tries fucking every guy in the hot tub. This is why people watch television. She may also be a paranoid schizophrenic.

Jenni "J-WOWW" - Tits. I'm sorry, what was I talking about?

Angelina - I don't even know which broad this is. Completely forgettable. She's the mayor of Yawn City. Screw that, people know the mayor. She's the Assistant to the Temporary Director of the Counsel on Appropriations. Or something.


Interesting Things of Note:
1) Everyone but Mike and Angelina have names that end with an "ee" sound. That shit is EERIE.

2) From what I can tell, not a single one is actually from New Jersey. That poor state. And still, I refer to these kinds of people as "Jersey trash." An unfair stereotyping? Yes. But at this point, you'd think Jersey would have created their own Border Patrol to keep these people out.

"Negative... not a guido, just a Mexican. Let him in..."

3) Bulimics should just watch this show. They'll have an appropriate stimulus for regurgitation that won't make their fingers stink. Not that I condone bulimia. Or any eating disorder. The show sucks is basically what I'm getting at. Oh, fuck off.

4) I love how everyone calls Snooki "Snickers" or “Snukes” or some completely incorrect derivative. Ha!


Final Thought:
One of the most essential things to understand, yet oft overlooked, is that despite how reprehensible, scummy, and utterly worthless the guido can be, he/she still thinks he/she is relevant. It's a fascinating phenomena. Worse yet, we - the normal people - enable this behavior by creating and watching programs such as this. Thusly, we perpetuate the need for their existence, as despicable as said existence may be. The worse they become, the more spellbound we are. A remarkable paradox, to be sure. So, yes, guido, you may actually be relevant, but more so in the way a car accident or school shooting is relevant. We know it's disgusting and horrid and tragic... and yet, we cannot look away. So shine on, you tan-as-fuck star!

Not Now, Chief... I'm In The Fuckin' Zone

It's been talked about ad nauseum already I'm sure, but alas, even I have to devote a little time to it. The new Jersey Shore show on MTV (can we please stop calling it MTV now? For fuck's sake, I can't remember the last time an actual MUSIC video was played for more than 30 seconds. Isn't every show a reality show now anyways?). It premiered not long ago and, to be totally honest, I'm a little sad I missed it.

At this point, it's obvious to even the casual reader of CTYA that I have a lot of "dislikes" so to speak. I also have a lot of "Fucking Loathes" as well. I dislike stubbing my toe, people named Travis, getting stuck in traffic, prick cops, and most of my coworkers. I fucking loathe cab drivers, homeless people, Kevin Leam, know-it-alls, women who don't swallow, Steve Jobs, and liberal hippie pigs. I take that back. I only dislike women who don't swallow. I really appreciate them putting my dick in their mouth. But one thing in particular has always had a special place in my hateful heart: scummy, greasy, lame-ass guidos.

They've been mocked and disparaged for years now, so I won't go too deep into it. Here are some basic characteristics of the typical guido:

1) Tan i.e. way too tan
2) Lip gloss
3) Tight shirts, typically the Ed Hardy variety
4) Expensive clothing, automobiles, jewelry... likely living in a shithole
5) "Blow-out" style haircuts. Ew.
6) Steroids
7) Stupid tattoos.
8) Big sunglasses, preferably worn indoors
9) Fist-pumping
10) Drinking
11) Bad dancing
12) A level of cockiness unbeknownst to even Lex Luger.
13) With said narcissism, an absurd level of insecurity as well

Note: Not every guido exhibits these traits, but they're the most common. Here are some facts that most people do not know about the guido...

Unfortunately, the guido is immune to fashion sense, self-respect, logic, and snake venom. Guidos are also prone to perfectly rational reactions to crises. Even more unfortunate, the guido thrives off the negative energy of normal human beings. In other words, the more one hates the guido, the harder the guido's fist will pump to Lucas Prata. This Catch-22 situation presents quite the conundrum for us normal folk. Obviously, it's impossible to like the guido, and therefore, it's doubly impossible to not hate the living shit out of them. For this very reason, MTV has decided to devote an entire reality series to this rare species (let's be fair, the last thing the guido has a grasp on is reality).

MTV almost certainly chose to do this after the feedback from Jersey Tommy's escapades:
True Life: I Have A Summer Share: Part 1, Part 2, & Part 3.

And now, MTV has developed one of its patented reality series documenting the guido in its natural habitat: a dimly lit, sweaty club in Seaside Heights, New Jersey. Or the beach, apparently.


In lieu of this inauspicious moment in television history, I have decided to sacrifice myself for the greater good. Initially, I planned on doing one quick post on how much hippo cock these guys blow, but now, with the severity and absurdity of the series no longer foreign to me, I feel it is my duty to devote some time to this abortion of humanity. Like Jane Goodall entrenching herself in the savannahs of Africa to study the secluded mountain gorilla, I will be immersing myself in this show with a view to provide insight and feedback about the guido and its lifestyle.

This case study will be aptly titled Guidos In The Mist. Please pray for me as I partake in this risky and dangerous endeavor. My only hope is that I can impart some knowledge to my faithful readers... and not kill anyone in the process.

GUIDOS IN THE MIST COMING SOON!