Friday, January 08, 2010

Guidos In The Mist, Case Study A, Episode 5

Yes, I'm a week behind i.e. go fuck yourself. It took me a while to find a video of the New Year's Eve episode online. Anyways, happy holidays everyone. No, I'm just kidding, I hope your holidays sucked ass. Back to it...

The guido continues to demonstrate actual human behaviors: territoriality, companionship, and even anger when a fellow guido is attacked or threatened. Do not be swayed by MTV's attempts to humanize this species, however; they are still very much animals. In fact, it is insulting to animals to even compare them to guidos. Studies have shown that if you refer to an animal as a "cute little guido," that animal, despite its natural instinct for survival, will find a way to commit suicide. It's deeply saddening to watch an antelope shoot itself with a 12 gauge, but it happens. Yet another unfortunate consequence of allowing the modern-day guido to inhabit our otherwise peaceful ecosystem. Now let us assess our characters individually...

The Males:
Pauly D - "My hair's windproof, waterproof, soccer-proof, motorcyle-proof. I'm not sure if my hair's bullet-proof, but I'm not willing to try that." Please, please, please try that, Paulie. Please. And christ, if he says "Ones and twos" on more goddamn time, I'm gonna lose my shit.

Mike "The Situation" - The fucking most awesome dude ever at this point. Watches in amazement as Snooki gets a gorilla fist to the face, then after all of the craziness/cops/anger/yelling, he tries bringing some chick back to the house. ABC: Always Be Closing.

Vinny - Finally some air time for the tolerable one. Mildly enjoyable throughout the episode. Then he hooks up with some gap-toothed cougar that his 6'2" 130lbs boss took to dinner. Classic Vinny. Cue corny 50's music.

Ronnie - Getting really sick of this dude. We get it, bro, you're the muscled tough guy with the heart of gold. You'll smush chicks, beat up dudes, but you have a really soft, senstive side. Fuck off already. Go get neck-deep in Sammi's crap-bucket.

The Females:
Sammi "Sweetheart" - Cunt. Sure, The Situation was being a bit douchey by not picking up his plate, but for fuck's sake the dude cooked your broke-ass lobster and steak while you got a tan and took a nap. Bitch, you should be offering to do the dishes. Plus, you're a woman - know your role.

Nicole "Snooki" - The best part about her during this episode was how swole up her face was. It already looked like Yogi Berra's catcher's mitt, but during the whole episode it looked like it needed a shot of penicillin, too.
Like Mikey said in The Goonies...
"Guys, I think I have a match!"

Jenni "J-WOWW" - Getting increasingly less attractive. Before she was just a dumpster to... ya know, "put stuff" in, but now she's getting annoying. I guarantee she has a tattoo on her lower back that says, "Works best with little clothes in dark clubs with blinding strobe lights." Seriously, up close in the confessional she looks like a pre-op tranny.

Angelina - Still in the opening credits? The editors are lazy. No replacement that isn't a total bitch? The casting department is worthless. No replacement that isn't a bigger bitch? The producers are straight-up dumb. More conflict please. Hey, make Brad Ferro a housemate. I think he'd mesh well with everyone.

Interesting Things of Note:
1) Hahaha... Ronnie is so sympathetic for Snooki: "I look at her completely different now." Translation: Now that she got cracked in the face, I may consider actually paying attention to her. Probably not, though.

2) I love how Snooki acts like the second Ferro gets released from jail he's coming after her with a fucking axe. Dude was cock-ass hammered, punched her in the face, and will forever be known to the entire world as the dude that knuckle-pucked a bronze midget. Note: That's not a good thing.

3) "That's why I don't eat lobster because they're alive when you kill it." Uhhhh... pretty sure everything is alive when you kill it.

4) I don't like how they're trying to make The Situation out to be the bad guy regarding the snucker punch (you see what I did there?). In the last episode, it appeared he was buying the douchebags shots to settle the situation. Hahaha... the situation. Besides, ain't no way he's getting in any kind of scuffle - he's way too pretty. All form, no function.

5) What's with chicks putting their hand over their face when they're making out with dudes on camera? Is anyone really fooled by this? Is it really some great big mystery what's happening behind her hand? "Oh man, I wonder what they're doing under there? Probably an in-depth discussion on the reunification of Germany. Guidos love Otto von Bismarck."

6) What a bunch of hypocritcal horseshit from MTV. We see a clip of J-WOWW getting into a fight. Next episode we'll be seeing a clip of Snookster and an albino rhino throwdown. And we'll also be seeing Ronnie throw blows on the boardwalk. And yet, despite all of this, we can't see Snooki get clubbed like a baby seal in Episode 4? We're all fucking adults here, right? Let me see that bitch get MASHED.

Final Thought:
It is very interesting to see our subjects come together after the tragic incident regarding Snikester. Again, it is incorrect to assume these creatures are human, but it is an understandable error. They exhibit many traits similar to that of a human being, but lack others. Most notably: souls, internal organs, logic, fashion sense, self-respect, and a healthy dose of humility. Unfortunately, they can still reproduce, but it's very likely that Congress has a bill in the works outlawing this practice. Keep your fingers crossed. Nevertheless, it is interesting to see the loyalty and kinship displayed among our subjects. Perhaps guidos are, in fact, a caring and altruistic species. I mean, all it took for them to accept Snooki was her getting brutally blasted in the face (not in the good way).



At 11:37 PM , Blogger Timmy G said...

HOLY SHIT QUINT! That was one of the funniest god damn things i've ever read! Like legit tears HAHAHA! Please keep doing this, so hilarious!


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