Thursday, December 17, 2009

Guidos In The Mist, Case Study A, Episode 3

Well fuck me all to hell. I watched Episode 3 last week and got some good information on our test subjects. I come into work this week and apparently I need a Flash Player update. Well, MTV, the United States fucking government doesn't look too kindly on Flash Player updates. So now, I can't re-watch Episode 3 to be more insightful and funny and entertaining and hip and all that other shit. What's more is that I fear I won't be able to watch the newer episodes as the season progresses. How will I survive without the arrogance and stupidity of my beloved guidos? How will I be able to live with my own pathetic existence if I can't constantly compare it to the cast of anus puss on that show? Something must be done. I don't know what yet, but by God, I'll figure something out.

Okay, on Episode 3 some girl named Angelica or Anglican or something got kicked off for being a rabid cunt. J-WOWW got dumped by her boyfriend in simply awesome fashion - Click. Dial Tone. Dumped. More jealousy and angst brews in the Tanned Triangle or whatever MTV is calling it. And Snooki experiences what appears to be a seizure in a bar. No one seems to notice.

Now, onto individual specimen analysis...

The Males:
Pauly D - He put charcoal on a gas grill. I really don't think anything else needs to be said.

Mike "The Situation" - Jealous and insecure yet vainly trying to seem confident and awesome. The more I watch this guy talk into the camera, the more and more he looks like a 40 year-old dude. His awkward laugh during the Snooki/Ryder display was pretty goddamn funny, though. Really not sure why him or Ronnie give a shit about Sammi. I suppose because she's the least likely you'd find blowing a hobo in a dumpster behind the local Sonic.

Vinny - Didn't get a lot of coverage in this episode. It's probably because, out of the entire group, he's the most normal of anybody. He's not banging anyone in the house, he doesn't have a boyfriend/girlfriend back home, and he doesn't have a stupid fucking nickname for his abs.

Ronnie - Sure, he's a juiced up freak, but he's growing on me a little bit. Like a rash. He makes fun of everyone and in Episode 2 he quoted "Knocked Up" in reference to pink-eye. But until he throws it in Sammi, he's still pretty average and boring.

The Females:
Sammi "Sweetheart" - So far, not plowed. Prediction in tact. Oh Ronnie and her had sex? Really? Are you sure? I bet they just "talked all night." No way Sammi would give it up that soon. She's classy. C'mon, her nickname is "Sweetheart"!

Nicole "Snooki" - "I fuckin' killed it on the dance floor." Something defintely died during that display. Probably every erection ever.

Jenni "J-WOWW" - This chick is so trashy, her bombs are crazy fake, and no matter what time of day, she sounds like she's been puffing Marlboros since birth. And yet, I can't get enough of her. This is the kind of broad Tiger Woods would bang on the side.

Angelina - Is she still on the show? Oh, she left? Huh... didn't even notice. Hope she crashed her car on the way back to Yawn City.

Interesting Things of Note:
1) Christ, guidos start holding hands very quickly. Like after one date. I would never hold my girlfriend's hand and we dated for months. Of course, that's probably because her hands always smelled like other guy's dicks.

2) Hmmm... so MTV has a bunch of reality shows and they're always sure to leave cameras in the bedroom. Naturally, they never show any of the intercourse, which is understandable. But whoever edits together every episode sure as shit sees it. And I can't decide if that's more of a punishment than a luxury, watching drunken sweaty guidos bang each other out.

3) Hahhaahhaha... at the end, when Ronnie gets back from the club all pissed about Sammi giving her number out, he walks into the house with his shirt already off and I'm ready to see him start punching and breaking shit. Instead, he lies face-down on his bed and sulks like a little bitch. Thank you, MTV. This shit is solid gold.

4) I love how the club they frequent is called Karma. Maybe the creation of this show is God's way of getting back at me for all the deplorable shit I've done. Well played, Big Guy.

5) "Honestly, like, I'm sick. When you're sick, like, honestly..." That sentence was almost a palindrome.

6) God does exist: The Jersey Shore Nickname Generator. Mine is "Bones."

7) Man, someone sure should punch Snooki in the face...

Final Thought:
Unfortunately, MTV is pulling this clip from next week's episode...

Snooki Knocked Out on Jersey Shore REMIX - Watch more Funny Videos

Such a shame that it's getting pulled. I'm not condoning violence against women by any means. Violence against women is a shameful and disgusting thing. Violence against hobbits, however - guido hobbits at that - is just plain fun. It doesn't seem that we can watch it in High Quality, but I think we all can agree it already is high quality! Oh yeah - high five for that joke!

FYI: I've had like seven different videos posted while drafting this post. One by one they become dead links because youtube and MTV and Viacom are pussies. There was a really awesome one with a Lil' John song remix, too. Thank God for Huffington Post, a website this terrorist that I know reads, also has the actual clip here (for now).



At 12:55 PM , Blogger Eric said...

i have a feeling if i ever watch this show it will not be nearly as entertaining as your blog is, i might just stick to the blog...

my nickname is E-Train by the way, lol


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