Sunday, December 13, 2009

Guidos In The Mist - Case Study A, Episode 1

One thing is certain: MTV has a pretty standard formula. One huge (undeserved) house occupied by eight slutty egomaniacs, filled with an abundant amount of alcohol, a cakewalk job, condoms (hopefully), and a camera crew. Boom. Hit TV series. "The Jersey Shore" is basically "The Real World" but with less imaginative characters. Luckily, I know some of the casting directors from MTV and they forwarded me the outline for casting standards for both shows. Check it out...

So what we have here is an absolutely obscene collection of egos cluttered into an amazing house with all sorts of tacky shit on the walls. These egos, amazingly, are exponentially more potent and volatile than any ever found on The Real World. Henceforth, the results will be pure madness. MTV provides cast member bios here. But naturally, their shit is trite. Here is my official breakdown of each cast member after watching the series premiere...

The Males:
Pauly D - Gross. The quintessential guido. And fuck, I hate seeing my name so close to that word.

Mike "The Situation" - I did like his initial reaction to Snuki's drunken antics, but the dude is in love with his abs. Abs are old news.

Vinny - So far, the best one. By all accounts, a tool, but in comparison to the rest, mildly tolerable.

Ronnie - This dude just won't put a shirt on. It's common knowledge man, everyone already knows: Roids get Results.

The Females:
Sammi "Sweetheart" - Oh, I'm so excited for the romance between Sweetheart and The Situation to develop! Can we just call it "The Sweetheart's Situation" and get it over with? So adorable. And disgusting.

Nicole "Snooki" - An absolute trainwreck. Girl weights 92lbs, walks in, starts taking shots, cries, then tries fucking every guy in the hot tub. This is why people watch television. She may also be a paranoid schizophrenic.

Jenni "J-WOWW" - Tits. I'm sorry, what was I talking about?

Angelina - I don't even know which broad this is. Completely forgettable. She's the mayor of Yawn City. Screw that, people know the mayor. She's the Assistant to the Temporary Director of the Counsel on Appropriations. Or something.

Interesting Things of Note:
1) Everyone but Mike and Angelina have names that end with an "ee" sound. That shit is EERIE.

2) From what I can tell, not a single one is actually from New Jersey. That poor state. And still, I refer to these kinds of people as "Jersey trash." An unfair stereotyping? Yes. But at this point, you'd think Jersey would have created their own Border Patrol to keep these people out.

"Negative... not a guido, just a Mexican. Let him in..."

3) Bulimics should just watch this show. They'll have an appropriate stimulus for regurgitation that won't make their fingers stink. Not that I condone bulimia. Or any eating disorder. The show sucks is basically what I'm getting at. Oh, fuck off.

4) I love how everyone calls Snooki "Snickers" or “Snukes” or some completely incorrect derivative. Ha!

Final Thought:
One of the most essential things to understand, yet oft overlooked, is that despite how reprehensible, scummy, and utterly worthless the guido can be, he/she still thinks he/she is relevant. It's a fascinating phenomena. Worse yet, we - the normal people - enable this behavior by creating and watching programs such as this. Thusly, we perpetuate the need for their existence, as despicable as said existence may be. The worse they become, the more spellbound we are. A remarkable paradox, to be sure. So, yes, guido, you may actually be relevant, but more so in the way a car accident or school shooting is relevant. We know it's disgusting and horrid and tragic... and yet, we cannot look away. So shine on, you tan-as-fuck star!



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