Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Guidos In The Mist - Case Study A, Episode 2

In Episode 2 of our extensive case study on the behavioral patterns of the modern-day guido, we are shown a deeper view into this fascinating creature's lifestyle. Well, not really. It's pretty much the exact same shit we saw in the last episode.

Also, for the record, my posts will not be up to date with each episode because A) I don't have cable, B) I barely watch TV, C) I have to watch each 40 minute episode at work, and D) Gathering my almost innumerable case notes and recording them here in a readable fashion for the layperson is tough work. Take it or leave it. Now, individual assessment for specimen during Episode 2...

The Males:
Pauly D - Naturally, after a swift (and cheap) punch to some guy's face, Pauly D acts like he's King Leonidas in 300. I am surprised he didn't punch the guy and immediately sprint off in the other direction. The punch itself looked like a graze at best, but of course, to hear him or his boys tell it, the guy's head is hanging off his neck like a fucking Pez dispenser.

Mike "The Situation" - His narcissism was really on point this episode. Sky-rocketing through the roof. Dude, seriously, give it up with the abs already. "It's not a matter of if Sammi and I are gonna hook up, it's when I decide." And then she hooks up with Ronnie. What do we call that, people? Poetry.

Vinny - Jokingly dances with fat chicks, gets pink eye, and seems to genuinely feel bad about missing his shift at work. I'm liking this guy more and more each episode. DISCLAIMER: He is still a tool.

Ronnie - Awwwww shit, sweeping in and taking Sammi for himself! Bold move, Hairless-Gorilla-Man. Not like "The Situation" is going to do anything, but it did provide ample drama to an otherwise boring episode.

The Females:
Sammi "Sweetheart" - Oh yeah, play with their emotions, string 'em along, screw somebody over, remain cute and innocent. The worst part about Sammi is despite all of the awesome drama she will definitely provide, I guarantee she doesn't get plowed by anyone for the whole season. Weak.

Nicole "Snooki" - The Snukester has trouble pulling ass at the club. Really? How can you not find a dude to fuck you? You're surrounded by a bunch of greaseballs who just want sex. And you manage to bring home a dude that yacks all over your deck? Holy Schnikies, Snooksty Snikester!

Jenni "J-WOWW" - "I will not cheat on my boyfriend." "I think I just cheated on my boyfriend." Hahaha. Did anyone not see this coming?

Angelina - Lazy. Cock-block. A self-righteous bitch. What would a "reality" series be if we didn't have one of these? You all remember Coral, right? Although, I might give Coral a pass because I forgot how monstrous her jugs were. Speaking of which, now that her reality TV run is over, has Coral gotten a fucking job yet? Like a real job that doesn't involve other washed-up reality personalities or cameras or stupid fucking challenges? Man, talk about milking it for all it's worth. Hahaha. Jugs. Milking it. Oh wait, I'm supposed to be talking about Angelina. Ya see? It just proves my point from the last post: totally forgettable.

Interesting Things of Note:
1) The production talent MTV has is absolutely top-notch. Using romantic music when Sammi and Mike are making out and then depressing shit when Mike is "heartbroken." Like the audience has somehow forgot that these cretins aren't even real human beings.

2) That is the perfect store for them to work at. It's one of the lamest aspects of any beach vacation destination. Just like the cast of Jersey Shore.

3) This will likely be a recurring theme, but do you think all of the hoodrats the guys bring home are interested or they just want to be on TV? In either case, they're still hoodrats, God bless 'em.

4) Another theme I definitely predict will continue: Every single girl one of the guys brings home will be labeled a "slut" or "whore" by the girls that live in the house. It's science.

5) Other recurring themes to look out for: hair gel, hairspray, tight clothes, no clothes, vomit, excessive alcohol consumption, bad dancing, fist pumping, kissing, grinding, kissing, grinding, that goddamn hot tub, skanks, sluts, whores, breasts, abs, tans, tattoos, J-Lo sunglasses (on dudes), little scuffles or shouting matches i.e. no real fights, more calls to home on the duck phone, Ron-Ron Juice, venereal diseases, stupid slogans on cheap t-shirts, crying, fighting, yelling, some sex, some failed attempts at sex, cockblocking, shots, HAM, and a whole lot of *bleeping*.

Final Thought:
Is the guido capable of romantic emotion? Upon observing the jealous behavior of Mike, it would appear so, but don't be fooled. While it may seem that his heart was broken, it is worth noting that guidos don't actually have organs. Or souls. Countless studies have shown that guidos have actually been known to sustain themselves with the tears of people who cry during The Biggest Loser. In other studies, it appears the guido's main source of nourishment is Antoine Walker replays. It's been said that the visual stimulation of witnessting Antoine's fat, lazy ass awkwardly trudge down the basketball court is enough to trigger the raging libido of the guido species. That, and of course, vodka.



At 7:15 AM , Blogger Compton said...

My god, this is priceless...


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