Saturday, December 19, 2009

Essential Personnel

Have you ever heard the expression "essential personnel"? Sure you have. Or you haven't. It's 50/50 probably. It's a pretty easy term to decipher. It is basically an employee that is required to report to his or her office regardless of circumstance. Obviously, medical emergencies or a death in the family offer the occasional loop-hole, but generally speaking, no matter what happens you have to go to work. Believe it or not, I'm essential personnel, which totally sucks gorilla balls.

I arrived at work Friday night around 9PM; it began snowing at roughly 11PM. Forecasts predicted it would continue to snow for the next two fucking days or some awful ungodly bullshit. Weather experts predicted between 12-20 inches. Assholes. I left work Saturday morning at 7:30AM. The roads, as expected, were shitty.

In all honestly, this doesn't bother me too much. At first. You see, I'm originally from Connecticut so I'm obviously a straight-up gangster, but I'm also no stranger to driving in treacherous weather. In fact, I've developed a full-proof system for safe driving during nearly every situation...

1) Don't drive too fast.
2) Don't drive too slow.
3) Don't follow too close.
4) Don't slam on your brakes.
5) Don't cut your wheel too hard.
6) Yes, 4-wheel-drive means your vehicle can accelerate faster during inclement weather, but it sure as shit won't stop any quicker.
7) Exercise some common sense and don't be a fuckhead.

It's literally full-proof. So anyways, using this system and my sexy 2009 Toyota Camry, I didn't have much trouble driving home. I also live like 10 blocks away, so again, it's no problem. My car also sits in a garage while I'm at work so it was pristine and beautiful and dry and black when I parked it in front of my apartment. Roughly twelve hours later I slogged through the snow to find my car...

Son of a cunt.

So while all of you sat at home drinking cocoa and cranking one off to A Muppet Christmas Carol, I spent an hour clearing over a foot of snow off my car. Why? Because I had to go into fucking work. It's bad enough I've had to work every Saturday night for the past two years, but now I have to deal with this shit too. And of course while I'm shoveling, a drunk-ass Mexican dude comes up to me and asks for a ride home. Here's a tip: Don't get shit-faced during a blizzard, Hefe.

One cunting hour later.

Luckily, I'm a fucking heathen and made short work of God's white poop, unlike you pussies who would've just called in sick or gone sledding with your faggy children. And now, I'm at work for the next ten hours, probably burning myself.

Happy Holidays, Fuckers!


At 11:46 PM , Blogger Q said...

Okay, I'm making a rule change: No more anonymous posting. I hate wondering who said what and it makes you look like even more of a pussy.

So from now on, feel free to ridicule me as much as you like, but be courteous enough to include your first name.

At 11:47 PM , Blogger Jeff said...

Quint: Breaking News: You're a huge pussy!

At 11:50 PM , Blogger Q said...

That's more like it!

At 12:05 PM , Blogger Q is weak said...

Wow! You are super duechy, however, your pathetic story does wet my whistle mainly because it happened to you and not me. I can only imagine your face while clearing off that weak excuse for an automobile. It probably resembled Nemo in some way shape or form. You fish faced faggot. And furthermore I thought you told Tripp 8 years ago that you would never drive again. I guess you are not a man of your word, which makes sense because you are not a man at all. So if you don’t know who this is by now I will give you 8 seconds to get your thumb out of your ass . . . . . . . . If you still don’t know here are a few of the common names I have given to you over the years. You‘re just a Q-bitch, Q-Unick, Q-University for the gays. So in closing I can’t wait to see you for Christmas buddy!!!!

At 5:47 PM , Blogger Q said...

Cort? I didn't know you could spell half of those words, let alone construct them into a coherent sentence. Are you sure Isabel isn't ghost-writing for you? Or Bella? Sure, Isabel is like 7 and Bella is a dog, but I'm far more confident in their writing skills than yours.

At 11:56 AM , Blogger Katie said...

No need to be so scroogey! While I did not go to work, I did shovel out my car during said blizzard (and routinely scraped the snow off) so I could drive out Sunday at 7am-- when the snow was again above my boots and I was in a dress. I still love Christmas! :)

At 10:03 PM , Blogger Q said...

Fair enough, Katie. But why were you wearing a dress? And an even better question: why haven't we banged yet?


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