Friday, October 30, 2009

Papa Schmidt

So I'm meeting my friend Katie's father this weekend. It's pretty much inevitable that Katie and I are going to bang, she'll fall in love with me, and then fake a pregnancy so we end up getting married. I've got no problems with her deception, and really, it's a solid gameplan. I'm quite a catch, after all. But if I'm meeting my future father-in-law in a few days, I need to make a good impression. So what should I say to him? Here's a list of potential ice-breakers:

1) "Hey, it's great to finally meet you. Don't let my mutton chops fool you, I've been pulling WAY out."

2) "Well, now I see where Katie gets her firm grip and good looks from, you handsome devil you!"

3) "Hi, I'm Q. I have an awful government job, shit salary, no prospects, no self-respect, and full-blown plan to impregnate your daughter with a spit-spewing half-retarded baby. But I'm a Yankees fan, so none of that should matter."

4) "You got some sweet calves, bro." Don't give him a chance to answer and walk off quietly.

5) "Man, those Buffalo Bills sure do suck, huh?"

6) "Tom? What are you doing here? Look, I told you, it's over. You have to stop this. You can't just follow me around DC and show up to the same dinner parties as me. Tom, what we had in Charlotte... oh, it was something magical. It really was. But it's over now. You have to let it go. You have to let me go. What's that? You're Katie's dad?? No shit... small world."

7) "Hello, kind sir." Immediately follow this up by casually removing the hamster from my underwear and placing it next to the sweet potatoes.

8) "I figured you would have been taller, given how much Katie enjoys being on top."

Let me know which one you think will work best.

Sidenote: I don't understand how a last name can have six consonants and only one fucking vowel. Germans, man... Germans...

Friday, October 23, 2009

This Guy Is Single?!? Part 6


Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Links On The Left, Part 7

All Out Fitness is a gym in Connecticut run by my friend Drew. He is also a Level 1 certified CrossFit trainer. Our goal is to someday open our own CrossFit affiliate in CT, but with the economy, my current life in DC, and Drew's constant "constitutionals" to the mountains of Vermont for what I can only assume is gay sex with a sasquatch, it's been a slow process. In the interim, Drew and I have been doing our best at our respective stations in life to become better/smarter trainers and save money. We've done pretty well at the former and probably shitty at the latter.

If you happen to be in Connecticut, either by travel or inhabitance, feel free to swing by for a workout. Drew is a knowledgable guy (mainly because he listens to me) and AOF is filled with motivated, hard-working people all trying to improve their fitness. I occasionally post little tidbits of training knowledge on there as well, since Primal management refuses to have a WOD blog.

Yeah, this post didn't have a lot of funny in it. Fuck it, I'm tired. Blame the gypsies or something, I don't care.

Friday, October 09, 2009

C'mon, Seriously Dude? UPDATE

Obama awarded 2009 Nobel Peace Prize

Uhhhh... why?

"Obama was praised by the Norweigan Nobel Committee for 'his extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples.'"

Oh, okay. I guess. Maybe they should rethink their whole evaluation policy a bit. Seems like they're kinda just giving the award out nowadays. And don't get all defensive and bent-out of shape, you hippie pigs. All I'm saying is I'd be more than happy to go to North Korea and throw down on some ping-pong with Kim Jong-il, but you won't see me getting any goddamn medals.

UPDATE: Starting to make more sense now...

Obama To Enter Diplomatic Talks With Raging Wildfire

Sunday, October 04, 2009

From My Brother

I just received the following email from my oldest brother, Tripp (yes, that's his real name)...

It's unbelievable how unsympathetic Mike was towards Chris, even though she was having the worst/craziest night in babysitting history. Tell you what, Mike... That wasn't "SO‚ÄĘCOOL"....

If you don't know the reference, then I hope your parents leave you in a dumpster somewhere.