Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Attention Intern, Part 2

Blogspot/Blogger has recently gotten a bit wack. For some reason, I can't make my font smaller or bigger and I no longer have the option to center my text. Needless to say, it's rim-jobbing this blog's continuity. More on that later.

The following is the second installment of my war with an intern here at work (yes, it's 10PM on Christmas Eve and I'm at work right now). Where we last left off, I jokingly told Gary Thaxton (the intern) that he could smear grape jelly on my desk. In a power play of epic proportions, Gary then wrote a slanderous note on my calender, setting an actual date as to when he would smear said preserves all over my shit. Here is my retort...

Oh Thaxton, you wily son of a bee sting. It hurts. A pain that runs deep into my aorta. Where does this pain come from? The fact that I can’t splatter this page with obscenities the likes of which would make Chris Rock blush. Oh, how I would love to call you a ______ _____ with a ______ and a ____________ because __________ ______ ___ ______ _____ ______ and then you need a doctor to _______ because the ____ ______ every single _____ time you _____ eat dairy.

Where does this intense abhorrence for you come from? Your mildly witty responses to my correspondence? The fact that it takes 20 minutes every night for my chair to readjust to my ass? Or is it that your name reminds me of the eicosanoid, Thromboxane A-2? Surprised? I suppose you didn’t realize I was a triple major in molecular biology, biophysics, and theatre. That’s right, theatre. I got jazz hands like you wouldn’t believe. I suppose you probably didn’t even realize I was first in my class at Princeton, I have an IQ of a hundred and eighty-seven, and it’s been suggested that Stephen Hawking stole his Brief History of Time... from my fourth grade paper.

I also steal lines from Legally Blonde.

I don’t want to claim clairvoyance, but I like to think I have a good idea of what all the news reports will say. Brian Williams stuttering to read the teleprompter, too terrified to understand the unspeakable scope of the horrors to come. Katie Couric sweating through her latest Botox injection, half-weeping while trying to calm our fragile nation as it stands so still. I know you see it too, Thaxton. You’ve had the nightmares as I have...

In the fading wake of the Iraqi War, the world will sit paralyzed as Vice President Christopher "Ludacris" Bridges makes this statement:

"Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, my fellow Americans... we have officially entered the third month of The Grape Jelly Discord. Despite all of our efforts, coupled with the continued support of the United Nations, the likelihood of peace in this conflict seems less and less likely. Neither side will withdraw and each remains adamant in his position. We are losing ground, but we must not lose hope. At times, it seems as though neither of these men can be reasoned with, but mark my words, peace will prevail. It must. If we allow this senseless war to continue as it has, it will not only destroy what little we have left now, but it may just cause the extinction of the human race as we know it. We cannot have men like Garytron Thaxtonian make us live in fear, let alone fear of a delicious jam. Grape, nonetheless. Nor can our spirits be broken by the iron-fisted swathe of destruction caused by Tyleritianus Fischeroox. These two megolomaniacs must be stopped at all costs, no matter what must be done. I promise you, great nation, we will put an end to The Grape Jelly Discord; otherwise, the price will be not just our way of life, but our very souls. Thank you."

[Aside: First of all, I may have had too much Tylenol PM or something when I wrote this so don’t report me to a mental institution or anything. But can’t you just picture Ludacris standing at some tattered and busted-up podium, with the New York skyline as his background? I picture like half of the Brooklyn Bridge is destroyed, just like in I Am Legend. Ya know, like burning cars and bodies strewn about; a real post-apocalyptic warzone type setting. Oh, and Ludacris is the Vice President to President Gerald Ford. Yeah, Obama resigned after failing to stop the conflict before it began, so they took all the parts of old presidents (Jefferson’s prose, Lincoln’s beard, JFK’s Bostononian accent, Gerald Ford’s name, Millard Fillmore’s way with the ladies, etc) and combined them all into this one super-president, only he couldn’t make the speech because they were still adding Andrew Jackson’s badassness.]

The End.

NOTE: I originally didn't intend on using Gary's full name, but he seemed like a good shit so I just did it. Sue me.

ADDITIONAL NOTE: Please do not sue me.


Do Not Trust This Man

That is all.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

WebSense & Sensibility

The following was originally written when I was very angry. I may have overreacted...

God, I hate my job.

Recently more and more sites are getting blocked by WebSense, some cocksucking website filter program that the cunty Department of Justice uses. I can't even access the CrossFit Games website. Fuck, I can't even access my blogger account to bitch about work while I'm at it. Is there no justice? Not in the Department of Justice apparently. So after being denied access to the CrossFit Games site (again), I tried navigating to the following url to see if it would be blocked as well...


It wasn't blocked, but it's not a real website, so I guess it doesn't count.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Give Me A Snorkel And A Bagged Lunch And I'm In There...

I've spent the past few minutes at work trying to find video to help support my impending gripe, but it's proving somewhat difficult. Essentially, I'm looking for a compilation or various clips of Angelina Jolie being a badass in her movies. Unfortunately, the most frequently searched clips of Ms. Maybe-Pitt are scenes where she's almost naked or almost getting banged. God, youtube is just a bunch of Amish prudes.

I'm not gonna sugarcoat this: I'm getting sick of Angelina Jolie. No, not because she's halfway to adopting all of Zimbabwe, but because it seems every single movie she's in recently has her playing the ultimate badass. Look, I get it, Angelina is a strong, sexy, powerful, feminine, and graceful woman. But at this point, it's really starting to piss me off. Let's check out her track record...

Tomb Raider: In this video game turned movie she plays Lara Croft. Perfect casting, really. Angelina's got big lips and epic tits. And she looks much hotter with two Desert Eagles on her hips instead of two African babies. I was fine with this one. Unfortunately, it started a chain reaction of ridiculousness.

Gone In 60 Seconds: Okay, this movie was technically released before Tomb Raider, but TR is a much better first example. Let's not even mention the fact that I'm completely leaving out Hackers. I mean, shit, she's even being a badass... while being a fucking computer hacker! Cue the collective boners of a thousand nerds. But I digress. In Gone In 60 Seconds Angelina plays Sway, another strong woman who can build engines, steal cars, and drop terribly written lines throughout an entire movie. In one key scene, she whips a minivan in front of two police officers in pursuit of Nicolas Cage, then mocking them with a kissy face. While she clearly hasn't heard about the law against obstruction of justice or interfering in a pursuit, at least she's driving a Honda Odyssey and not an Aston Martin. Also, can someone tell me why the fuck she's named "Sway" for Christ's sake?!

Mr. & Mrs. Smith: Here, she plays a world-class badass assassin who is all business and blah blah who fucking cares. Not only does she constantly get the better of Brad Pitt in their fight scenes throughout the movie, but she also claims to have killed more than three times the amount of people he did. I'd say, "give the dude a break," but I'm sure he bangs her at least twice a day, so fuck him.

Beowulf: In this epic poem turned movie, she plays Grendel's manipulative sorceress mother. Never saw it, never read the book, never read the Cliff Notes, never gave a shit. Not even sure if this is a good example. Ray Winstone is the epitome of badass, though.

And lastly, came the greatest transgression of all - Wanted: Yes, it's an over-the-top action film and we expect a bunch of absurd bullshit like bending bullets, insane car chases, and never seeing Angelina take it in the ass. Absurd. Yet again, Angelina plays the ultimate badass. She doesn't take any shit, she's the best at what she does, and so on and on and on. See? It's just fucking redundant at this point.

I mean, come on, the only time I remember Angelina being vulnerable in a movie is in Taking Lives. You remember, Ethan Hawke bangs her and then later on she catches him tearing off his mother's head in an elevator with his bare hands. Classic cinema right there. Just absolutely brilliant writing. That guy had no respect for the strength of human flesh, sinew, or the overall integrity of the spinal column.

Sure, there were other more arty pictures where she played a vulnerable frail woman, but none of those were ever crazy-ass blockbuster-esque type movies. All I'm asking for is one scene somewhere in some movie where Angelina Jolie gets raped. Ya know, in a classy way. Preferably by a group of ice road truckers. Because those guys deserve it. And if not them, then me and a bunch of clones of me. If cloning is still illegal, then just me. Yeah, that'll work just fine.

In the immortal words of Brendon from WWTDD: "Brad Pitt must really really want kids, because I can't imagine the desire to give Angelina Jolie a facial ever ever goes away. I know I still want to. Her tongue might as well have a bullseye on it."

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Gayest Thing Ever?

This has been on my mind for a long time now. In fact, every time the commercial in question comes on, I pretty much lose my fucking mind. I simply cannot fathom the gayness...

Several things about this wretched afterbirth of a commercial seriously vex me. I almost planned on breaking it down frame by frame, but that would've required multiple viewings. That could have killed me. Don't even get me started on the part where Phelps and A-Rod are kicking the couch cushions. Jesus Christ. So for now, I'm going to give a summation of what goes through my mind every time this 33 second spot of misery comes on...

1) I originally thought, "Well, these guys must be getting paid a shitload of money to prance around oh so gayly." But then I realized: all four of these guys are making millions upon millions of dollars. If one of them got stabbed, gold coins would probably trickle out of the wound like a goddamn slot machine. So they really don't need commercial money.

2) So then I thought, "Well, maybe it was just an opportunity for four premier athletes from their respective sports to meet up, have fun, and make a gay commercial together." And then I realized: Shit! They're all still rich. They could meet up whenever the fuck they want and it wouldn't involve underwear, pink shirts, plastic guitars, and Kobe Bryant practically fellating a microphone.

3) So finally I thought, "What in the fuck?!" What could compel these men to stoop to such utter queerdom?

I thought it best to simply break it down by skateboarder, swimmer, third basemen, and rapist. So let's see what we can figure out from all of this...

Tony Hawk: It's hard giving him a pass because he's usually much smarter than this, but he gets one nonetheless because... c'mon, he's Tony fucking Hawk. Does this ring any bells? Besides, he really rocks the fuck out of those drums.

Michael Phelps: Yeah, he's gotta get a pass on this. For now, we'll chalk this up to being an overzealous youth. He saw a chance to be in a commercial with three seriously legendary dudes and he took it. Still, he should know by now that he's a legend after the Olympics. So really, there's no reason to look like such a flaming douche on that guitar.

Alex Rodriguez: This sucks. I'm a diehard Yankee fan through and through. And despite all the shit he gets, I love A-Rod. Why? Because he moved to third base without letting pride get in the way, still plays Gold Glove caliber, and drops absolute fucking bombs (couldn't find a good clip on youtube). Still, as much as I respect his play, he's got some faults outside of the pinstripes. It's like Tom Cruise. Sure, he was great in Magnolia, but I wanna punch a hole in his face when I hear him talk about Scientology. Meanwhile, A-Rod has been suspected of dating the most insufferable cunt on the planet (Madonna, not Oprah) and for some reason, always appears to be wearing women's lip balm. All of his onfield accomplishments aside, I can't give him a pass for this travesty of advertising, or tradvertsy.

Kobe Bryant: Phenomenal athlete; total cocksucker. If anyone is terrified of blemishing his image, it's this fuckbag. Still, it makes those pesky rape accusations look even less credible. I'm sure police and lawyers alike are all saying, "What woman could possibly get raped by this pussy?"

DISCLAIMER: Look, I've got nothing against gay people. In fact, I might be in love with a lesbian - that's right, I'm Holden fucking McNeal, fuck you! Regardless, I'm totally fine with people being gay and doing gay stuff together, whether it be shopping, oral sex, or watching a Ryan Gosling movie. Again, this is all in the spirit of humor. Besides, there's really no telling how many dicks I'd suck to have as much money as the above-mentioned athletes I've just spent the past hour belittling.