Thursday, December 24, 2009

A Real Comedian

If you're not familiar with Louis CK, then you suck. There are a lot of good comedians out there (Daniel Tosh, Demetri Martin, Zach Galifianakis, Anthony Jeselnick, etc), but there's also a lot of god-awful shitty terrible comedians out there (Carlos Mencia). Then there's Dane Cook, who I'll admit has some funny stuff here and there, but overall, needs to cut back on the high-pitch noises and over-the-top theatrics. But in the below video, Louis CK proves a comedian can be funny and poignant at the same time...

Unfortunately, I can't embed any youtube copies of it, but luckily, it's still available to watch. Probably because it's so awesome. I'm not one for cheerful, trite, bullshit messages of happiness and love and horseshit, but take a cue from this guy and cheer the fuck up this holiday season!

Monday, December 21, 2009

Guidos In The Mist, Case Study A, Episode 4

Thank God for DailyMotion. It's like youtube, just without the anti-Semitism. So I was lucky enough to watch this past Thursday's episode. There truly was a wide assortment of fascinating interactions that occurred among our subjects. Romance, intrigue, violence, betrayal, and drunkenly searching for condoms.

A majestic creature, the guido. Day after day, it astounds the viewer with its grace and beauty, frolicing from club to club, grinding vivaciously against one of its sweaty counterparts. The guido seems to float through the world without a care, like an apparition with too much bronzer on. So far, documenting the guido in its natural habitat has been taxing, but vastly enlightening on many levels.

Let's get back to our individual assessments...

The Males:
Pauly D - Like most of the guys, he still talks a ridiculous game. And yes, he seems to bring a lot of chicks back to the house with him. But still, he hasn't dipped his wick. It does seem like he and Mike will get into a hilarious amount of antics, though. I also enjoy how he acts as though he coined the term "Fresh To Death."

Mike "The Situation" - "I'm like chill out, Freckles McGee." It's official, this guy is the fucking man. I've said a lot of shitty things about him, and sure, he's a major doucher, but that line was priceless. That's the kind of nickname I would have given that girl.

Vinny - Again, barely any airplay for this kid. Poor bastard. How will he be expected to craft his own reality spin-off?

Ronnie - Wow... despite all the muscles (steroids), beneath Ronnie's tough exterior, there's a truly deep and sensitive young man that really just wants to find someone to love and hold and comfort and cry with. Jesus... what a fucking pussy.

The Females:
Sammi "Sweetheart" - Go figure, the girl I predicted wouldn't bang ends up getting plowed on the fourth episode, before all of her seemingly whorier roommates. Just goes to show, you can't predict the sexual behavior of any woman, mostly because they're all whores.

Nicole "Snooki" - I hope I'm not the only one who can see through MTV's bullshit. Here's how it works: 1) Show the Snukester in a positive light i.e. spending a day with her mother on the Shore, 2) Remind the audience she's a human (debatable), 3) Demonstrate she has been accepted by her peers, and finally 4) Punch her in the face. Now, I'm a dick if I don't feel bad for her.

Jenni "J-WOWW" - Really, J-WOWW talks about how in love she is with her boyfriend, but she also says that she's insane if she's single. What do you think would be better for the ratings, J-WOWW? Dump that douche and starting boning your way across Seaside, girl! But for God's sake, don't EVER be on camera without your make-up properly applied.

Angelina - Why is this dumptruck of a broad still featured on the opening credits? I have a feeling this bitch menstruates 32 days a month.

Interesting Things of Note:
1) Sammi and Ronnie finally banged. Nice use of the fireworks, MTV. I bet she was boring, though. "Bit of a dead fish, right? I mean, she just laid there and took it like a plastic fuck-doll." -Beerfest.

2) The dudes gym routine was pathetic, as expected. I'm sure they did more, but all that was documented was A) The Elliptical, B) Bosu Ball Medicine Ball Sit-ups, and C) A Kick To A Punching Bag. I heard on Conan that "The Situation" might have his own workout video or something in the future. I'll bet a million dollars he doesn't have deadlifts in there.

3) "It was house music; we were all battling." I actually checked and it turns out that white people still aren't allowed to use that word.

4) Snooki's never-ending issues with the duck phone provide nonstop entertainment.

5) I began this endeavor to make fun of guidos and bask in the outlandishness of this show. At first, I committed to this against my better judgment, worrying what would become of my sanity. Now, I'm worried. Nay, terrified. Because I think I might actually like this show.

6) Christ, even the barbers on the Jersey Shore are douchebags.

7) Last installment, I was excited for Snookie to get punched in the face. Don't get me wrong, I still found it entertaining as hell, but upon viewing the surrounding circumstances of the incident, I'll admit even I feel a little bad for her. Brad Ferro and his friends were major tools. So much so that they made the Jersey Shore cast seem almost tolerable. Sure, Snooki is annoying/ugly/stupid/pathetic, but if she's gonna get blasted in the face (haha), you'd rather it be done by some triumphant badass like Brad Pitt in Troy. Or at least let Barack Obama crack her in the mouth. That might stimulate the economy.

Final Thought:

The focal point of this particular facet of the experiment, aside from the Snooki snuff-fest, was male guidos and their interactions with females, or guidettes (that is the last time I will ever write or say that fucking word). What is most notable regarding these interactions is that some women actually find these guido guys attractive. It's mind-boggling, for sure. The average male watches ass-puppets like Paulie and Mike bring women home constantly and simply cannot fathom it. Upon keen observations, it boils down to one distinctive trait most guidos possess: Confidence. Dismally, the archetypal guido's level of confidence is rarely healthy. They often times boil over into pure cockiness, while the more extreme cases reach heights of fanatical megolomania. But many women are too dumb to see the differences.

Still, we must believe that perhaps the average woman does not find the guido appealing. Perhaps the women constantly flirting or hooking up with our beloved cast members are just your everyday, average, depressed, sad, lonely, pathetic, insecure semen dumpsters with daddy issues. If that is the case, then the average guy can sleep easy, knowing that all it really takes to get laid is a little hair gel, a little tan, and a tiny penis.


Saturday, December 19, 2009

Essential Personnel

Have you ever heard the expression "essential personnel"? Sure you have. Or you haven't. It's 50/50 probably. It's a pretty easy term to decipher. It is basically an employee that is required to report to his or her office regardless of circumstance. Obviously, medical emergencies or a death in the family offer the occasional loop-hole, but generally speaking, no matter what happens you have to go to work. Believe it or not, I'm essential personnel, which totally sucks gorilla balls.

I arrived at work Friday night around 9PM; it began snowing at roughly 11PM. Forecasts predicted it would continue to snow for the next two fucking days or some awful ungodly bullshit. Weather experts predicted between 12-20 inches. Assholes. I left work Saturday morning at 7:30AM. The roads, as expected, were shitty.

In all honestly, this doesn't bother me too much. At first. You see, I'm originally from Connecticut so I'm obviously a straight-up gangster, but I'm also no stranger to driving in treacherous weather. In fact, I've developed a full-proof system for safe driving during nearly every situation...

1) Don't drive too fast.
2) Don't drive too slow.
3) Don't follow too close.
4) Don't slam on your brakes.
5) Don't cut your wheel too hard.
6) Yes, 4-wheel-drive means your vehicle can accelerate faster during inclement weather, but it sure as shit won't stop any quicker.
7) Exercise some common sense and don't be a fuckhead.

It's literally full-proof. So anyways, using this system and my sexy 2009 Toyota Camry, I didn't have much trouble driving home. I also live like 10 blocks away, so again, it's no problem. My car also sits in a garage while I'm at work so it was pristine and beautiful and dry and black when I parked it in front of my apartment. Roughly twelve hours later I slogged through the snow to find my car...

Son of a cunt.

So while all of you sat at home drinking cocoa and cranking one off to A Muppet Christmas Carol, I spent an hour clearing over a foot of snow off my car. Why? Because I had to go into fucking work. It's bad enough I've had to work every Saturday night for the past two years, but now I have to deal with this shit too. And of course while I'm shoveling, a drunk-ass Mexican dude comes up to me and asks for a ride home. Here's a tip: Don't get shit-faced during a blizzard, Hefe.

One cunting hour later.

Luckily, I'm a fucking heathen and made short work of God's white poop, unlike you pussies who would've just called in sick or gone sledding with your faggy children. And now, I'm at work for the next ten hours, probably burning myself.

Happy Holidays, Fuckers!

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Guidos In The Mist, Case Study A, Episode 3

Well fuck me all to hell. I watched Episode 3 last week and got some good information on our test subjects. I come into work this week and apparently I need a Flash Player update. Well, MTV, the United States fucking government doesn't look too kindly on Flash Player updates. So now, I can't re-watch Episode 3 to be more insightful and funny and entertaining and hip and all that other shit. What's more is that I fear I won't be able to watch the newer episodes as the season progresses. How will I survive without the arrogance and stupidity of my beloved guidos? How will I be able to live with my own pathetic existence if I can't constantly compare it to the cast of anus puss on that show? Something must be done. I don't know what yet, but by God, I'll figure something out.

Okay, on Episode 3 some girl named Angelica or Anglican or something got kicked off for being a rabid cunt. J-WOWW got dumped by her boyfriend in simply awesome fashion - Click. Dial Tone. Dumped. More jealousy and angst brews in the Tanned Triangle or whatever MTV is calling it. And Snooki experiences what appears to be a seizure in a bar. No one seems to notice.

Now, onto individual specimen analysis...

The Males:
Pauly D - He put charcoal on a gas grill. I really don't think anything else needs to be said.

Mike "The Situation" - Jealous and insecure yet vainly trying to seem confident and awesome. The more I watch this guy talk into the camera, the more and more he looks like a 40 year-old dude. His awkward laugh during the Snooki/Ryder display was pretty goddamn funny, though. Really not sure why him or Ronnie give a shit about Sammi. I suppose because she's the least likely you'd find blowing a hobo in a dumpster behind the local Sonic.

Vinny - Didn't get a lot of coverage in this episode. It's probably because, out of the entire group, he's the most normal of anybody. He's not banging anyone in the house, he doesn't have a boyfriend/girlfriend back home, and he doesn't have a stupid fucking nickname for his abs.

Ronnie - Sure, he's a juiced up freak, but he's growing on me a little bit. Like a rash. He makes fun of everyone and in Episode 2 he quoted "Knocked Up" in reference to pink-eye. But until he throws it in Sammi, he's still pretty average and boring.

The Females:
Sammi "Sweetheart" - So far, not plowed. Prediction in tact. Oh Ronnie and her had sex? Really? Are you sure? I bet they just "talked all night." No way Sammi would give it up that soon. She's classy. C'mon, her nickname is "Sweetheart"!

Nicole "Snooki" - "I fuckin' killed it on the dance floor." Something defintely died during that display. Probably every erection ever.

Jenni "J-WOWW" - This chick is so trashy, her bombs are crazy fake, and no matter what time of day, she sounds like she's been puffing Marlboros since birth. And yet, I can't get enough of her. This is the kind of broad Tiger Woods would bang on the side.

Angelina - Is she still on the show? Oh, she left? Huh... didn't even notice. Hope she crashed her car on the way back to Yawn City.

Interesting Things of Note:
1) Christ, guidos start holding hands very quickly. Like after one date. I would never hold my girlfriend's hand and we dated for months. Of course, that's probably because her hands always smelled like other guy's dicks.

2) Hmmm... so MTV has a bunch of reality shows and they're always sure to leave cameras in the bedroom. Naturally, they never show any of the intercourse, which is understandable. But whoever edits together every episode sure as shit sees it. And I can't decide if that's more of a punishment than a luxury, watching drunken sweaty guidos bang each other out.

3) Hahhaahhaha... at the end, when Ronnie gets back from the club all pissed about Sammi giving her number out, he walks into the house with his shirt already off and I'm ready to see him start punching and breaking shit. Instead, he lies face-down on his bed and sulks like a little bitch. Thank you, MTV. This shit is solid gold.

4) I love how the club they frequent is called Karma. Maybe the creation of this show is God's way of getting back at me for all the deplorable shit I've done. Well played, Big Guy.

5) "Honestly, like, I'm sick. When you're sick, like, honestly..." That sentence was almost a palindrome.

6) God does exist: The Jersey Shore Nickname Generator. Mine is "Bones."

7) Man, someone sure should punch Snooki in the face...

Final Thought:
Unfortunately, MTV is pulling this clip from next week's episode...

Snooki Knocked Out on Jersey Shore REMIX - Watch more Funny Videos

Such a shame that it's getting pulled. I'm not condoning violence against women by any means. Violence against women is a shameful and disgusting thing. Violence against hobbits, however - guido hobbits at that - is just plain fun. It doesn't seem that we can watch it in High Quality, but I think we all can agree it already is high quality! Oh yeah - high five for that joke!

FYI: I've had like seven different videos posted while drafting this post. One by one they become dead links because youtube and MTV and Viacom are pussies. There was a really awesome one with a Lil' John song remix, too. Thank God for Huffington Post, a website this terrorist that I know reads, also has the actual clip here (for now).


Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Guidos In The Mist - Case Study A, Episode 2

In Episode 2 of our extensive case study on the behavioral patterns of the modern-day guido, we are shown a deeper view into this fascinating creature's lifestyle. Well, not really. It's pretty much the exact same shit we saw in the last episode.

Also, for the record, my posts will not be up to date with each episode because A) I don't have cable, B) I barely watch TV, C) I have to watch each 40 minute episode at work, and D) Gathering my almost innumerable case notes and recording them here in a readable fashion for the layperson is tough work. Take it or leave it. Now, individual assessment for specimen during Episode 2...

The Males:
Pauly D - Naturally, after a swift (and cheap) punch to some guy's face, Pauly D acts like he's King Leonidas in 300. I am surprised he didn't punch the guy and immediately sprint off in the other direction. The punch itself looked like a graze at best, but of course, to hear him or his boys tell it, the guy's head is hanging off his neck like a fucking Pez dispenser.

Mike "The Situation" - His narcissism was really on point this episode. Sky-rocketing through the roof. Dude, seriously, give it up with the abs already. "It's not a matter of if Sammi and I are gonna hook up, it's when I decide." And then she hooks up with Ronnie. What do we call that, people? Poetry.

Vinny - Jokingly dances with fat chicks, gets pink eye, and seems to genuinely feel bad about missing his shift at work. I'm liking this guy more and more each episode. DISCLAIMER: He is still a tool.

Ronnie - Awwwww shit, sweeping in and taking Sammi for himself! Bold move, Hairless-Gorilla-Man. Not like "The Situation" is going to do anything, but it did provide ample drama to an otherwise boring episode.

The Females:
Sammi "Sweetheart" - Oh yeah, play with their emotions, string 'em along, screw somebody over, remain cute and innocent. The worst part about Sammi is despite all of the awesome drama she will definitely provide, I guarantee she doesn't get plowed by anyone for the whole season. Weak.

Nicole "Snooki" - The Snukester has trouble pulling ass at the club. Really? How can you not find a dude to fuck you? You're surrounded by a bunch of greaseballs who just want sex. And you manage to bring home a dude that yacks all over your deck? Holy Schnikies, Snooksty Snikester!

Jenni "J-WOWW" - "I will not cheat on my boyfriend." "I think I just cheated on my boyfriend." Hahaha. Did anyone not see this coming?

Angelina - Lazy. Cock-block. A self-righteous bitch. What would a "reality" series be if we didn't have one of these? You all remember Coral, right? Although, I might give Coral a pass because I forgot how monstrous her jugs were. Speaking of which, now that her reality TV run is over, has Coral gotten a fucking job yet? Like a real job that doesn't involve other washed-up reality personalities or cameras or stupid fucking challenges? Man, talk about milking it for all it's worth. Hahaha. Jugs. Milking it. Oh wait, I'm supposed to be talking about Angelina. Ya see? It just proves my point from the last post: totally forgettable.

Interesting Things of Note:
1) The production talent MTV has is absolutely top-notch. Using romantic music when Sammi and Mike are making out and then depressing shit when Mike is "heartbroken." Like the audience has somehow forgot that these cretins aren't even real human beings.

2) That is the perfect store for them to work at. It's one of the lamest aspects of any beach vacation destination. Just like the cast of Jersey Shore.

3) This will likely be a recurring theme, but do you think all of the hoodrats the guys bring home are interested or they just want to be on TV? In either case, they're still hoodrats, God bless 'em.

4) Another theme I definitely predict will continue: Every single girl one of the guys brings home will be labeled a "slut" or "whore" by the girls that live in the house. It's science.

5) Other recurring themes to look out for: hair gel, hairspray, tight clothes, no clothes, vomit, excessive alcohol consumption, bad dancing, fist pumping, kissing, grinding, kissing, grinding, that goddamn hot tub, skanks, sluts, whores, breasts, abs, tans, tattoos, J-Lo sunglasses (on dudes), little scuffles or shouting matches i.e. no real fights, more calls to home on the duck phone, Ron-Ron Juice, venereal diseases, stupid slogans on cheap t-shirts, crying, fighting, yelling, some sex, some failed attempts at sex, cockblocking, shots, HAM, and a whole lot of *bleeping*.

Final Thought:
Is the guido capable of romantic emotion? Upon observing the jealous behavior of Mike, it would appear so, but don't be fooled. While it may seem that his heart was broken, it is worth noting that guidos don't actually have organs. Or souls. Countless studies have shown that guidos have actually been known to sustain themselves with the tears of people who cry during The Biggest Loser. In other studies, it appears the guido's main source of nourishment is Antoine Walker replays. It's been said that the visual stimulation of witnessting Antoine's fat, lazy ass awkwardly trudge down the basketball court is enough to trigger the raging libido of the guido species. That, and of course, vodka.


Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Now You Know

In case you were wondering...

Whenever I kill a bug, I typically don't clean up the remains. I leave them sitting there for a while to serve as a warning to all of the other bugs. Just like Vlad The Impaler, bitches!

And now you know.


Sunday, December 13, 2009

Guidos In The Mist - Case Study A, Episode 1

One thing is certain: MTV has a pretty standard formula. One huge (undeserved) house occupied by eight slutty egomaniacs, filled with an abundant amount of alcohol, a cakewalk job, condoms (hopefully), and a camera crew. Boom. Hit TV series. "The Jersey Shore" is basically "The Real World" but with less imaginative characters. Luckily, I know some of the casting directors from MTV and they forwarded me the outline for casting standards for both shows. Check it out...

So what we have here is an absolutely obscene collection of egos cluttered into an amazing house with all sorts of tacky shit on the walls. These egos, amazingly, are exponentially more potent and volatile than any ever found on The Real World. Henceforth, the results will be pure madness. MTV provides cast member bios here. But naturally, their shit is trite. Here is my official breakdown of each cast member after watching the series premiere...

The Males:
Pauly D - Gross. The quintessential guido. And fuck, I hate seeing my name so close to that word.

Mike "The Situation" - I did like his initial reaction to Snuki's drunken antics, but the dude is in love with his abs. Abs are old news.

Vinny - So far, the best one. By all accounts, a tool, but in comparison to the rest, mildly tolerable.

Ronnie - This dude just won't put a shirt on. It's common knowledge man, everyone already knows: Roids get Results.

The Females:
Sammi "Sweetheart" - Oh, I'm so excited for the romance between Sweetheart and The Situation to develop! Can we just call it "The Sweetheart's Situation" and get it over with? So adorable. And disgusting.

Nicole "Snooki" - An absolute trainwreck. Girl weights 92lbs, walks in, starts taking shots, cries, then tries fucking every guy in the hot tub. This is why people watch television. She may also be a paranoid schizophrenic.

Jenni "J-WOWW" - Tits. I'm sorry, what was I talking about?

Angelina - I don't even know which broad this is. Completely forgettable. She's the mayor of Yawn City. Screw that, people know the mayor. She's the Assistant to the Temporary Director of the Counsel on Appropriations. Or something.

Interesting Things of Note:
1) Everyone but Mike and Angelina have names that end with an "ee" sound. That shit is EERIE.

2) From what I can tell, not a single one is actually from New Jersey. That poor state. And still, I refer to these kinds of people as "Jersey trash." An unfair stereotyping? Yes. But at this point, you'd think Jersey would have created their own Border Patrol to keep these people out.

"Negative... not a guido, just a Mexican. Let him in..."

3) Bulimics should just watch this show. They'll have an appropriate stimulus for regurgitation that won't make their fingers stink. Not that I condone bulimia. Or any eating disorder. The show sucks is basically what I'm getting at. Oh, fuck off.

4) I love how everyone calls Snooki "Snickers" or “Snukes” or some completely incorrect derivative. Ha!

Final Thought:
One of the most essential things to understand, yet oft overlooked, is that despite how reprehensible, scummy, and utterly worthless the guido can be, he/she still thinks he/she is relevant. It's a fascinating phenomena. Worse yet, we - the normal people - enable this behavior by creating and watching programs such as this. Thusly, we perpetuate the need for their existence, as despicable as said existence may be. The worse they become, the more spellbound we are. A remarkable paradox, to be sure. So, yes, guido, you may actually be relevant, but more so in the way a car accident or school shooting is relevant. We know it's disgusting and horrid and tragic... and yet, we cannot look away. So shine on, you tan-as-fuck star!


Friday, December 11, 2009

Not Now, Chief... I'm In The Fuckin' Zone

It's been talked about ad nauseum already I'm sure, but alas, even I have to devote a little time to it. The new Jersey Shore show on MTV (can we please stop calling it MTV now? For fuck's sake, I can't remember the last time an actual MUSIC video was played for more than 30 seconds. Isn't every show a reality show now anyways?). It premiered not long ago and, to be totally honest, I'm a little sad I missed it.

At this point, it's obvious to even the casual reader of CTYA that I have a lot of "dislikes" so to speak. I also have a lot of "Fucking Loathes" as well. I dislike stubbing my toe, people named Travis, getting stuck in traffic, prick cops, and most of my coworkers. I fucking loathe cab drivers, homeless people, Kevin Leam, know-it-alls, women who don't swallow, Steve Jobs, and liberal hippie pigs. I take that back. I only dislike women who don't swallow. I really appreciate them putting my dick in their mouth. But one thing in particular has always had a special place in my hateful heart: scummy, greasy, lame-ass guidos.

They've been mocked and disparaged for years now, so I won't go too deep into it. Here are some basic characteristics of the typical guido:

1) Tan i.e. way too tan
2) Lip gloss
3) Tight shirts, typically the Ed Hardy variety
4) Expensive clothing, automobiles, jewelry... likely living in a shithole
5) "Blow-out" style haircuts. Ew.
6) Steroids
7) Stupid tattoos.
8) Big sunglasses, preferably worn indoors
9) Fist-pumping
10) Drinking
11) Bad dancing
12) A level of cockiness unbeknownst to even Lex Luger.
13) With said narcissism, an absurd level of insecurity as well

Note: Not every guido exhibits these traits, but they're the most common. Here are some facts that most people do not know about the guido...

Unfortunately, the guido is immune to fashion sense, self-respect, logic, and snake venom. Guidos are also prone to perfectly rational reactions to crises. Even more unfortunate, the guido thrives off the negative energy of normal human beings. In other words, the more one hates the guido, the harder the guido's fist will pump to Lucas Prata. This Catch-22 situation presents quite the conundrum for us normal folk. Obviously, it's impossible to like the guido, and therefore, it's doubly impossible to not hate the living shit out of them. For this very reason, MTV has decided to devote an entire reality series to this rare species (let's be fair, the last thing the guido has a grasp on is reality).

MTV almost certainly chose to do this after the feedback from Jersey Tommy's escapades:
True Life: I Have A Summer Share: Part 1, Part 2, & Part 3.

And now, MTV has developed one of its patented reality series documenting the guido in its natural habitat: a dimly lit, sweaty club in Seaside Heights, New Jersey. Or the beach, apparently.

In lieu of this inauspicious moment in television history, I have decided to sacrifice myself for the greater good. Initially, I planned on doing one quick post on how much hippo cock these guys blow, but now, with the severity and absurdity of the series no longer foreign to me, I feel it is my duty to devote some time to this abortion of humanity. Like Jane Goodall entrenching herself in the savannahs of Africa to study the secluded mountain gorilla, I will be immersing myself in this show with a view to provide insight and feedback about the guido and its lifestyle.

This case study will be aptly titled Guidos In The Mist. Please pray for me as I partake in this risky and dangerous endeavor. My only hope is that I can impart some knowledge to my faithful readers... and not kill anyone in the process.



Saturday, December 05, 2009

For Fuck's Sake...

Sorry, I just have to get this out real quick. This whole global warming theory being shattered is hilarious. I bet Ed Begley Jr. feels like a real asshole right about now. Al Gore is fleeing the country with his Oscar in hand. And now Prius owners can only be pretentious about how awesome their gas mileage is. Nevertheless, despite how totally fucking rad this whole thing is, it finds a way to piss me off. For some reason, the word "gate" has turned into a fucking suffix for any scandal the media gets their hands on. I'd go on, but the brilliant minds at FireJoeMorgan had a better excerpt for it...

For the record, you can't just add "Gate" to something to indicate "scandal." The hotel, as we all know, was the Watergate. It wasn't like there was a like Nixonian/"Chinatown" water scandal, and someone said, "Hey -- 'gate' is the LME root for 'cover-up.' Let's call it Water-gate."

Is the Tiger Woods story being called "Tiger-Gate"? Did they add "gate" to the Bernie Madoff thing? The ACORN thing? Or the thing where that woman's dad banged her? I bet they wanted to.

Oh, here we go. Thanks, Wikipedia! Christ, they're doing it in the UK now, too. Bollocks.

First SpyGate, now Climate-Gate, and seriously, look how fucking long that list is. Are journalists just lazy nowadays or do they really think the word "gate" is synonymous with foulplay? I mean, to become a journalist you probably have to have at least a minor comprehension of the English language, right? Jess, am I wrong on this?