Monday, June 29, 2009

The 100th Post!

We here at Calmer Than You Are are very proud to say that we have reached post #100 since re-opening. And when I say we, I mean no one. Actually being proud of the shit that I've written here would probably make me the World's Biggest Asshole and I just... actually, wait a minute, that doesn't sound so bad. Fuck yeah actually.

So how in the world do we celebrate this monumentous occasion? Shall I regale you with a ghastly story from my childhood, an instance that probably helped shape the twisted mind you read here between eclairs (because I assume all of my readers are fat)? Better yet, I could discuss why I like the show Malcolm In The Middle so much. And it's not because of Malcolm. By all accounts, he's the show's weakest link. And the mother is an unbearable cunt who's shrill voice seems to torment me during bouts of depression. But let me tell you, the other characters - Hal, Dewey, and Reese - run that fucking show. But no, that wouldn't do our 100th post justice. Perhaps I could put up a poll, asking all of you if I should continue on my current path or just quit my job and join the fucking Army. Yes, it would effectively put an end to this blog altogether but it may fulfill one of my lifelong dreams: getting to shoot someone in the face. No, none of these will do. Instead, let's just go with something we can all agree on...

Kellie Pickler is perfect.

And now I need to change my pants. Thanks for reading, everyone!

Saturday, June 27, 2009

SteveChat - Episode 12

Steve has a version of this on his blog, which he never writes on anymore because he's busy knocking up his girlfriend. But this is "The Napkin Story" in it's original form. I try telling this tale to as many people as possible, but I feel it never matches this rendition...

Sleepo285: i got to act like larry david at dinner tonight, it was awesome... i go to this place on campus thats kinda like a subway type deal, and i'm by myself cuz i went there from work... so i get my food and i sit down at a booth cuz i like the extra room and tables are for bitches... so i take a few bites of my sandwich and all of a sudden some girl is confronting me about the booth... she says she saved it for her and her friends (all ugly)... i said "you did? i dont see anything that says you saved it" ... and she points to a stack of napkins (!) and says "i put the napkins there"... i said "you saved your table with a stack of napkins?" .. at this point i was just amused and i might have actually moved, but her next sentence was "yeah now give us the table"... in a moment of inspiration i said "see this salt shaker? it means its my table... and if you'll look around you'll see that i saved every other one in the whole place" ... she follows this up with "your a dick" and storms off with her fellow trolls to a table (tables are for bitches)


Sunday, June 21, 2009

This Guy Is Single?!? Part 3


Saturday, June 20, 2009


First off, there better be a band called "Pigfucker" out there somewhere. Shit is too cool to not be a band name. Now, onto more pressing matters...

It's Saturday so I'm expecting a nice light day of work. Henceforth, I planned on beginning my post about all the sexy animated Disney starlets. However, I thought it may seem odd if by chance our IT guys here happened to find a bunch of pictures of animated, possibly adolescent girls on my desktop. So, I will save that post for the comfort and safety of a non-DOJ facility. I know, I know: I'm getting soft in my old age. In the meantime, there is something I've wanted to talk about recently. A group of people that really chap my ass: Cops.

Don't get me wrong. I commend most of the officers and officerettes who make the decision to become law enforcement personnel. It's not always a rewarding career. Generally speaking, a majority of cops are nice, hard-working individuals who simply want to make a difference in their respective communities by enforcing the laws and keeping their fellow citizens safe. Unfortunately, not every cop can be this way. For every good, well-natured cop out there, it's likely there's a bushel of fuckface asswipe cocksmokers who simply took the job so they could feel important, project their own inadequacies on others, or to simply prove to their dad that they could do better than mall security. While being a police officer is certainly not an easy job, these dickheads take their job WAY too seriously. A constant state of alertness is justifiably necessary for their own personal safety, but these guys always take it way too far. For instance...

Anil and Salil know this game all too well.

We've all encountered one of these types at least once in our life. For some of us, it seems these are the only cops we ever seem to cross paths with. Dismally, it sullies our perspective on the American lawman and just makes Wyatt Earp look like a real A-hole. Luckily, I haven't had any run-ins with DC Metro PD yet, although I'm quite certain I could easily outrun every single one of them. The fitness standards for the typical DC cop are far from strenuous. To be completely honest, it seems the recruitment standards require that you look exactly like Carl Winslow. I've had my fair share of encounters with police back in Connecticut and rarely was I left without a bad taste in my mouth. And no, that's not a reference to gunpoint-forced fellatio. As a close friend of mine will tell you, don't believe a word a cop says or you'll end up in handcuffs. As another friend of mine will tell you, don't try pleading the fifth because they'll call it obstruction of justice. As yet another friend of mine will tell... wait a minute. Why are all my friends from back home such fucking criminals? Nevermind. That's a discussion for a later time.

Either way, dealing with these kinds of prick cops can be difficult, frustrating, and altogether enfuriating. So how does one cope when thrust into a situation involving a douche-lick cop? Well, I wrote a quick reference guide here back in the day. But really, that is slightly outdated. Instead, take a few tips from this guy...

Thursday, June 18, 2009

I'm Going To Make You A Bicycle. But I Don't Want To Make You A Bicycle...

Jesus Christ. Really?? You're all a bunch of goddamn jackals. Hyenas. I'll admit my posting frequency has dwindled significantly in the past month, but I've probably got reasons for it (Mental Note: Think of reasons, preferably charitable ones). You all forget how easy it is to get on the computer, head to Calmer Than You Are and read some shit that may be funny, may not be funny, or may simply be a discussion on how my right testicle is slightly larger than my left. What you don't realize is that it takes time. It takes time to come up with something funny, something not funny, or to leave my desk at work to measure my testicles with a coworker's hair-tie. But no, take a brief hiatus and it's "No post in 11 days?" or "At least entertain us with some obsecene fantasy" or "C'mon, which testicle is bigger??" I'm even getting emails from some of my readers. To be honest, I didn't think anyone who visited this blog could actually read. Fuck, I can barely count past twelve. Keep in mind, I greatly appreciate your readership, but look at it this way: If MTV didn't think long and hard before creating such awesome television programs, don't you think the quality would suffer? Thank god for their patience.

In the midst of your complaints, jeers, and pleas, I've been busy training clients, protecting America, volunteering at a soup kitchen (Mental Note: Good one!), changing my diet dramatically, and actually doing way more work than most government employees would ever imagine. Don't get me wrong, I'm keeping it half-assed around here, but shit just keeps piling up. Like a heap of Steven Seagal straight-to-dvd movies. But there are things in the works...

For instance, I planned on discussing how Jim Henson was most likely a chronic masturbator (Mental Note: I know that game) and merely invented a wide array of animal puppets to keep himself stimulated. You gotta admire that kind of innovation.

I also want to discuss an important issue that is very near and dear to me: which female Disney character is the hottest? It's gonna be quite a debate. Ariel is hot, but she's half-fish and I think underage. Jasmine's probably a Persian freak, but you have to get past that big fucking tiger... and I find a lot of Middle Eastern women have beaks where their noses should be. Esmeralda was pretty smoking and she was voiced by Demi Moore, but she was gypsy and they just can't be trusted. More on this soon...

I even thought about addressing this: "Seriously, making fun of how white we are? That's so lame." Yeah, but it's easy. If anyone prefers, I could go into a much more detailed list of all of The Hurricane's aesthetic deficiencies.

Plus, we've got more Links On The Left, SteveChat, This Guy Is Single, and perhaps even the tale of the fuckface who broke into my car last week - and the ensuing murder/torture that befalls him! YAY!

Not to mention, the 100th Post is coming soon. I'd promise something incredible and amazing and epic, but it'll probably just be a picture of my massive right nut. Which, to some, might be pretty incredible, amazing, and epic.

NOTE: I should also say that since we have Internet Explorer -1.5 here at work, I'm having trouble formatting text and posting more pictures of Kelly Ohmygodsheissofuckinggorgeous Pickler. Hopefully, the nerds in the nerdery get this sorted out soon...

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

Now You Know

In case you were wondering...

I don't like the way the dispeners in the bathroom here at work squirt soap on my hands. It makes me feel like I just jerked off the sink.

And now you know.