SteveChat - Episode 13

This one isn't exactly a chat per se, but Steve sent me this little bit he wrote a while ago and I figured it'd be better off here than buried in my old emails...

i know i'm not the only one who indulges myself now and then with a shit in a handicap stall. those things are top-of-the-line. when you walk into a restroom and see a few regular stalls and a handicapper, it's like choosing between coach and first class. in fact they should have a curtain blocking off that section so you can't see what's going on in there. the comfort, the spaciousness.... there's really nothing like it.

but if you're like me, you've never really thought about the possible consequences of pampering yourself in that manner. imagine for once that you're mid-shit, enjoying every inch of your 15 square foot palace, spread out like an offering to the gods, thinking life can't get much better... when all of a sudden you see a couple of wheels roll up to the stall door.

[knock knock]

oh shit.

"uhh... just a minute," you say hurriedly, as the shame rises over your body.

"ok, but hurry" comes the reply "my condition makes it hard for me to hold it, and it takes me about 5 minutes just to get out of my chair once i'm in there."

"ok... i'll be quick," you try to reassure him.

"thanks. let me know if you need help getting back in your chair," he offers helpfully.

"uhh... yeah... that won't be necessary"

you quickly finish up, and nervously open the stall door to leave.

as you try to make your way to the sink a look of disbelief washes over his face, followed by a calm, rational anger.

"did you uhh... did you enjoy it in there?" he asks incredulously.

"yeah" you mutter quietly, staring straight at the floor.

"yeah its nice." he says "plenty of room. plenty of room to maybe.... oh i dunno, PARK A WHEELCHAIR"

At that point, who knows what would happen. he'd probably just run you over, or at least ram you in the shins a bunch of times. after he's had his way with you, there's nothing else to do than walk out humiliated and mutter something about never flying first-class again.


Well said, Stevo. The whole ordeal reminds me of this...

SteveChat - Episode 12

Steve has a version of this on his blog, which he never writes on anymore because he's busy knocking up his girlfriend. But this is "The Napkin Story" in it's original form. I try telling this tale to as many people as possible, but I feel it never matches this rendition...

Sleepo285: i got to act like larry david at dinner tonight, it was awesome... i go to this place on campus thats kinda like a subway type deal, and i'm by myself cuz i went there from work... so i get my food and i sit down at a booth cuz i like the extra room and tables are for bitches... so i take a few bites of my sandwich and all of a sudden some girl is confronting me about the booth... she says she saved it for her and her friends (all ugly)... i said "you did? i dont see anything that says you saved it" ... and she points to a stack of napkins (!) and says "i put the napkins there"... i said "you saved your table with a stack of napkins?" .. at this point i was just amused and i might have actually moved, but her next sentence was "yeah now give us the table"... in a moment of inspiration i said "see this salt shaker? it means its my table... and if you'll look around you'll see that i saved every other one in the whole place" ... she follows this up with "your a dick" and storms off with her fellow trolls to a table (tables are for bitches)

SteveChat - Episode 11

Steve takes online checkers pretty seriously...

Prncss4life03: Y won’t u except a draw?
Prncss4life03: everyone always excepts a draw
sjd03001: draws are for quitters
sjd03001: its your turn, go
Prncss4life03: its not for quitters
sjd03001: take your turn and maybe i’ll offer a draw
[she moves with her last guy and gets jumped]
sjd03001: DOMINATION
Prncss4life03: what?
Prncss4life03: there is no domination
sjd03001: oh yes there is
sjd03001: you know what that was?
sjd03001: DOMINATION
Prncss4life03: no
sjd03001: god your awful
Prncss4life03: what?
Prncss4life03: u r awful
sjd03001: if we were playing in real life i would have tipped the table over when i won
Prncss4life03: why?
sjd03001: cuz it was DOMINATION


Sleepo285: In this game, I ended with 6 pieces, 2 kings, that's fucking awesome. We did not exchange any conversation until the following

sjd03001: DOMINATION
Carlson60: !
Carlson60: THE GAME IS FLAWED!
sjd03001: your game is flawed
sjd03001: you got worked
Carlson60: you got lucky
sjd03001: you got DOMINATED
Carlson60: drunk on ego are we?
sjd03001: drunk on DOMINATION

TyQuiF: amazing how u twist their pathetic words into searing insults
Sleepo285: isn't it awesome
Sleepo285: it's like verbal ju-jitsu
TyQuiF: haha
Sleepo285: speaking of verbal ju-jitsu, i came up with that phrase over the summer when me and my brother were looking for rocket engines at dick's
Sleepo285: did i ever tell you that story?
TyQuiF: no u did not
Sleepo285: well my brother found this model rocket that he had from when he was like 12... he decides we should buy some engines for it and fire it off... we go dick's and my brother asks some guy around his age if they carry model rocket engines... the guy's like "wow... model rockets... that brings me back........ wouldn't you say they kinda went out of style?"
Sleepo285: so my brother had two options: 1) he could agree with the kid and basically admit that he's a loser, or 2) he could say "NO THEY DIDN'T GO OUT OF STYLE" and look like an even bigger loser
Sleepo285: so you see, it was a verbal trap...

SteveChat - Episode 10

If you've never been the Dragon Buffet in Manchester, CT... well, William Wallace would say you never truly lived...

Sleepo285: dude theres something i have to tell you
TyQuiF: ok
Sleepo285: the dragon closed
TyQuiF: yeah right
Sleepo285: i've been having a tough time admitting it to myself
TyQuiF: if this is a joke, it's not funny
TyQuiF: you're fucking lying to me
TyQuiF: DON'T FUCKING JOKE ABOUT THIS SHIT
Sleepo285: hahahahahaha
TyQuiF: god damn it, u always made me think the worst
Sleepo285: oh man i wish i was theremto see the tears streaming down your face
TyQuiF: hahah, fuck you... ya know what, buildings can burn, health codes can be violated, chinese people can be enslaved in america... but the dragon will NEVER close
Sleepo285: we would put together all the money we have, raise whatever else we needed, fix up the place in a montage, and save the dragon
TyQuiF: seriously
TyQuiF: "Save The Dragon" - what a fundraiser that'd be
Sleepo285: everyone in the community would team up to save it, except for the one old grumpy guy who wanted to see us fail, then at the fundraiser headquarters we'd count the money and everyone would be celebrating, but when we were finished counting the money we'd realize we were a thousand dollars short and everyone would get really upset and realize it was all over.. and right when everyone had given up all hope, the old guy would come forward from the back of the room and reveal that he'd been raising money too, and it would put us over the top and save the dragon once and for all
TyQuiF: hahaa... so poetic it's like a haiku
Sleepo285: what a great movie script
Sleepo285: a couple kids try to save their favorite chinese buffet from closing
TyQuiF: call Miramax
Sleepo285: i've got em on the line right now
TyQuiF: aight man, i gotta finish packing
Sleepo285: dont forget your buffet clothes
TyQuiF: baggy sweatpants, a sweatshirt, and my lucky bib
Sleepo285: non-slip shoes and all

SteveChat - Episode 9

I need to explain a few things before you read this one...

1) A few nights earlier, we were at a party.
2) It was some drunk chick's birthday.
3) She was annoying.
4) She banged our friend Justin.
5) Several hours later, she banged his roommate Boyko.
6) A few hours after her second banging, her mother called to tell her that her grandfather had just died.

You seriously can't make this shit up. Naturally, Steve and I had some things to say on the matter...

Sleepo285: jesus christ
Sleepo285: her grandfather probably died because she was such a whore
Sleepo285: is that mean?
TyQuiF: nah, it's karma
Sleepo285: i bet after he died earlier that night, he got to heaven and decided "well i should check on my family on earth and keep an eye on them, protect them from harm and all that good stuff... ok, there's my son sleeping next to his wife, everything looks good there.... there's my brother playing late night cribbage at the old folks home.... OH MY GOD MY GRANDDAUGHTER IS GETTING NAILED ON A COUCH BY JEREMY BOYKO!!!!! FUCK!!!!!!!!"
TyQuiF: oh man, i'm sure its not good to make light or speak ill of the dead but that was fucking hilarious
Sleepo285: its ok
Sleepo285: its what he would have wanted
TyQuiF: who wouldnt
Sleepo285: "itsz myyy birtthdayzxslkdf"
Sleepo285: thats all i remember about that girl
Sleepo285: that and when she spilled beer on me
TyQuiF: hahhaha
Sleepo285: oh shit her grandfather died on her birthday
Sleepo285: but she also got fucked by boyko on her birthday
TyQuiF: gonna be a night to remember
Sleepo285: bittersweet memories
Sleepo285: i wonder if its just coincidence... cause if its not, and when boyko fucks someone their grandfather dies, thats pretty awesome
Sleepo285: he could start an internet porn site... grandfatherkiller.com
TyQuiF: imagine all the hits
TyQuiF: it'd be like milfhunter but with a nice twist on the end... he blasts all over the girl's face and then says "HAHA - your grandfather's dead now!!"
Sleepo285: hahaha
Sleepo285: it's like in bang bus when they ditch the chick on the side of the road
Sleepo285: theres nothing better than sex with a twist ending
Sleepo285: "yeah meg, this was really great... i've never felt so aLIVE FROM NEW YORK ITS SATURDAY NIGHT!!!"
TyQuiF: dude, next time (if ever) i bang a chick... after i finish, i just wanna whisper softly in her ear... "your grandfather just died"

SteveChat - Episode 8

In tonight's episode, Steve converses with one of those AIM Bots...

Sleepo285: there's a SantaClaus screen name now, kinda like that SmarterChild thing... here's my conversation:

Sleepo285: hey
SantaClaus: Hey. Are you getting in the Christmas sprit?
Sleepo285: i'm a Jew
SantaClaus: Cool. You in that Festival of Lights spirit?
Sleepo285: yeah
SantaClaus: Excellent! Here's wishing you and your family a healthy and happy holiday season. Now type menu for fun and games that everyone can enjoy.
Sleepo285: don't belittle my people, Nick
SantaClaus: Take a moment, collect your thoughts, and try asking me another way. O.K. ?
Sleepo285: Don't FUCK with the Jews
SantaClaus: I'm only asking you to ask me another way. No need to get so testy.
Sleepo285: yeah you sit there at the North Pole and laugh it up
SantaClaus: Without a doubt?
Sleepo285: how's the weather there?
SantaClaus: Oh dear, how should I know?
Sleepo285: oh i get it, you don't like small talk, unless it's about killing Jews
SantaClaus: Cool. OK, let's see if you can complete this Hanukka quiz:
What comes next in this holiday-oriented sequence? nun, gimel, heh ??
Sleepo285: i'm not gonna set up the punch line to one of your anti-Semetic knee-ticklers, dick
SantaClaus: It's Shin!
Sleepo285: I'm gonna kill you

SteveChat - Episode 7

TyQuiF: u can see it in my webshots
Sleepo285: i dont look at your webshots
TyQuiF: why not?
Sleepo285: because i feel gay enough for belonging to facebook, i dont wanna get involved with all this other crap... first its webshots, then its myspace, then its my own personal webcam where i strip for money
Sleepo285: its a slippery slope

SteveChat - Episode 6

TyQuiF: just wanted to let you know, every time boyko's away message says "gym" it means he's doing push-ups and sit-ups in his room
Sleepo285: serious?
TyQuiF: yep
TyQuiF: slimmer and them told me
Sleepo285: wow
Sleepo285: don't get me wrong, there's nothing bad about sit ups and push ups... especially compared to my routine... but at least say "working out" and leave it ambiguous
TyQuiF: seriously... dont try to fool people into thinking you have a gym membership... its not that important
Sleepo285: one time his message was "at the gym getting thoughs D's"
Sleepo285: thoughs
TyQuiF: oh dont get me started on his spelling
Sleepo285: i was perplexed... he's smart enough to know about the silent gh in the word though... but he adds an s and tries to make it into the word those
TyQuiF: hahahaha
Sleepo285: he really went the extra mile to be stupid there
TyQuiF: oh, and just so you know, whenever my away message says "gym" it really means i'm at the gym... but it also means i'm going to masturbate furiously afterwards
Sleepo285: hahaha
Sleepo285: that probably goes for any away message you put up
TyQuiF: sadly, this is true
TyQuiF: alright man, i am actually going to the gym right now
Sleepo285: alright
Sleepo285: enjoy the after party
TyQuiF: already started
Sleepo285: oh god

SteveChat - Episode 5

Sleepo285: so i'm watching X-Men 2 and unfortunately Cyclops is in it
Sleepo285: so i started wondering what exactly comes out of his eyes when he shoots that laser beam
Sleepo285: ...and i decided its probably just 100% pure concentrated gayness

Sleepo285: oh man Storm is stupid
Sleepo285: Jean: Magneto's reversed cerebro... it's not targeting mutants anymore
Sleepo285: Storm: well who is it targeting??
Sleepo285: THE FUCKING HUMANS YOU DUMB BITCH
Sleepo285: (sorry)

SteveChat - Episode 4

Sleepo285: oh good god... i just looked up and saw a huge fat chick walking towards me and she was reaching into the front pocket of her sweatshirt and pulling out mini donuts and stuffing them in her fat face
Sleepo285: oh god
TyQuiF: hahaha
Sleepo285: i'm not even sure if they're packaged
Sleepo285: or if they're just loose in her pocket
TyQuiF: thats ridiculous
Sleepo285: maybe she has more than just donuts in there, like a grab bag of all her favorite snacks
Sleepo285: and its a surprise each time she reaches in
Sleepo285: mmmm... a donut... mmmm... a pretzel.... mmmmm... a cheesesteak sandwich
TyQuiF: hahahahh
Sleepo285: your only laughing cuz your not here to see how revolting she was
TyQuiF: this is true
Sleepo285: i just pray her bottomless cavern of snacks doesn't run out... lord only knows what that 500 pound monster would do if snack time was over
TyQuiF: i like making light of fat people
Sleepo285: when i do my laundry, sometimes i'll find like a quarter that fell out... do you think she finds like mini donuts in the bottom of her washing machine?
TyQuiF: all soggy in pieces
Sleepo285: and then she cries
Sleepo285: cuz she didn't get a chance to eat it

SteveChat - Episode 3

I've got a lot of these SteveChats waiting in a queue so they'll be coming up frequently in the coming weeks. I'll tell you who won't be coming...

Sleepo285: check this shit out... mms://live.wildlife.wavelit.net/nk1957
Sleepo285: put that in your browser
TyQuiF: ok
Sleepo285: it's a live camera somewhere in africa, its night time right now so it kinda sucks... but its pointed at a watering hole, and during the day there's like lions and giraffes and zebras and all sorts of shit
TyQuiF: this is how u pass ur time?
Sleepo285: its set on night vision right now so the quality sucks... but during the day its tight
TyQuiF: when is day time?
Sleepo285: i think around midnight
TyQuiF: nice
Sleepo285: one time i saw a giraffe and i named him Pongo
TyQuiF: hahahah
TyQuiF: great name, Kyle

[Long pause in conversation]

Sleepo285: there's something in the watering hole
Sleepo285: the lazy african in charge of zooming in must have fallen asleep

SteveChat - Episode 2

TyQuiF: yoooooooo
TyQuiF: c;mon
TyQuiF: talk to me, muthasucka
Sleepo285: you smell like booze
TyQuiF: wanna hear a statistic?
TyQuiF: an entire week... not one night sober
Sleepo285: nice work
Sleepo285: so let's hear your "statistic"
TyQuiF: i thought that was it
TyQuiF: 7 for 7??
TyQuiF: that good?
Sleepo285: that's more of a fraction
Sleepo285: a statistic would be more like "a recent poll showed that Quint Fischer spends 100% of his time drinking"
TyQuiF: that sounds much better actually
Sleepo285: "the study went on to find that Mr. Fischer's popularity is at an all time high, while his standards for sexual intercourse are at an all time low"
TyQuiF: also true

SteveChat - Episode 1

Yeah, I'm original.

So my best friend from Connecticut is named Steve. He works for a scrap metal company or something. He's also the author of Future Pope, another link on the left I have yet to cover. Anyways, back in the day he and I had some interesting conversations via AOL Instant Messenger (AIM). Unfortunately, due to the advent of new technologies such as Gmail, text messaging, Morse code, smoke signals, and carrier pigeons, who has the need for something like AIM anymore? Therefore, I've decided to share some of these conversations with the four of you who actually read this blog and the countless others who only check back for additional pictures of Kellie Pickler. Wow. Just typing her name gave me a wicked boner.

Sleepo285: by the way, i have a movie question and who better to ask than you...
TyQuiF: naturally
Sleepo285: it's about armageddon, i saw it a long time ago so my memory is hazy... did they train a bunch of oil diggers how to fly a spaceship instead of training some astronauts how to use a drill? or am i forgetting something?
TyQuiF: hahahahahah
TyQuiF: ur correct
Sleepo285: i was afraid of that
TyQuiF: u forgot one thing...
TyQuiF: it was a rag-tag group of misfit drillers... who, of course, were the best in the world
Sleepo285: thank god for the misfit drillers
Sleepo285: if they had been conformists the world would have been doomed
TyQuiF: but hey, remember this gem of a line... "i've been drilling my whole life... it's a science... the reason i'm the best is cuz i work with the best"
TyQuiF: oh keep it coming, Bruce!!
Sleepo285: hahahaha
TyQuiF: they're eccentric ways made them so successful
Sleepo285: the movie would have been so much better if they had beaten out some conformist drillers for the job
TyQuiF: like a competition of Harry Stamper's Drill Team vs. The World Drill Team
TyQuiF: guys assembled from all across the globe with different bits of knowledge about drilling
Sleepo285: that probably could have added another hour to the film
TyQuiF: and tons more Aerosmith songs
Sleepo285: it's interesting that the end of the world and an Aerosmith power ballad go hand in hand
Sleepo285: interesting, but not surprising
TyQuiF: they should have just named the asteroid Steven Tyler
Sleepo285: why didn't they call us when they were writing the script?
TyQuiF: i think decided to call the writer who came up with that animal cracker bit instead
TyQuiF: Ben Affleck's greatest acting moment
Sleepo285: yeah that really put him on the map