Friday, November 27, 2009

Why I Don't Twitter

I feel lame enough for reactivating my Facebook account, and even worse, actually using it, but Twitter is something I will never do. Why? Because this is the kind of shit I would probably "tweet" about...

-Man, this is biggest York Peppermint Pattie I've ever had!

-Still having nightmares where Space Ghost molests me. Hate waking up feeling ashamed.

-wRiTiNg iN diFFeReNT siZe leTtErs tOTalLy RoCKs DUdes!!

-Webbed feet? Sure, you can't wear flip-flops, but I bet you could swim like fuckin' Aquaman

-12 total hours of driving, over 700 cumulative miles, and my EZ-Pass comes in the mail the day i get home. sweet.

-i dont wanna make light of a tragedy, but it prolly sucks balls if your bday is on 9/11

-Julie Foudy is SO much hotter these days

-that whole thing about asparagus is true... i'm not sure about the pineapple thing, but i'm definitely not testing it

-Why the fuck does Gargamel hate the Smurfs so much?

And yes, I realize most of these are way too long to even fit on Twitter, which is another reason I don't use the goddamn thing. I gotta lot to say, bitches.


Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Norm MacDonald Rules

Yeah, I've really got nothing of substance to say. But below you'll find a clip from an old episode of Conan O'Brien. It's pretty popular, mainly because Norm MacDonald completely takes over an interview with Courtney Thorne-Smith and runs it straight to Funny Town!

Sunday, November 08, 2009

Tim McCarver Sucks baseBalls

Now that the World Series is over and the greatest franchise in sports history finally got #27, I figure I will take a little time to reflect on the entire experience. Mainly on how god-awful Tim McCarver is at everything...

Here's an email I sent to my brother during Game 3...

Could someone please explain to me why the fuck Tim McCarver is talking about how good Brett Myers is at bowling right now?

"This is one game where you can throw a gutterball and still get a strike."

This guy has won THREE fucking Emmy Awards.

Matsui just hit a homerun. Got any quips for that, Tim?

I'm seriously waiting for him to say, "It looks like that was a seven-ten split finger!"

My brother's response...

The other night he said "if the ball is hit down the right field line, it really isn't the left fielder's responsibility". Tim, no way! I learned that in little league, but thanks for the refresher. Good thing I didn't play left field, i would have been running all over the place.

During Game 6, Katie told me about this anecdote I missed from a few nights prior. It's in its original gchat format...

Katie: so matsui's contract is up at the end of the season
and timmy said that it wouldnt be right for him to play for any other american team ...unless it was the mariners
so he could play with ichiro
its like he wants to build an internment camp in seattle

Most baseball enthusiasts are well aware of how terrible he and Joe Buck are. It's utterly abysmal. Hell, there's a site dedicated to his stupidity: It appears it doesn't get updated anymore, most likely due to a crash of the webmaster's email server from roughly 21,463,150,990 submissions per baseball season. Here's some old snippets from the guys (I should say geniuses) at Fire Joe Morgan...

I'm currently watching Game One of the Series on like an hour TiVo delay, and Tim McCarver, after Shane Victorino almost got picked off second, said something like, "You've probably heard that you should never make the first or third out at third base, but in this case, you should never make the first out at second base."

What he could have said: "You shouldn't get picked off in a [fucking] World Series game."

"He helps the team when he's not hitting. He saves over 100 runs per season with his glove."

Fielding stats are generally kind of iffy, but in response to this, I say:


No he does not.

Tim McCarver, after a Carlos Delgado RBI double to put the Mets up 7-2 over the Yankees:

"The carousel continues, here at Shea Park. It's like a park."


1. It's called Shea Stadium.
2. What?

A lot of funny/sad McCarver moments last night. There was the time he asserted confidently that Josh Beckett had retired six batters in a row -- no, wait, it's been ten. Apologies, it was nine. Very soon after that, he talked about how impressed he was about Beckett's low pitch count even with his high strikeout total -- 63 pitches! No, wait, it's 73 (the graphic had just appeared on screen -- and by the time he corrected himself, hey, it was 74 already). There was the seemingly endless digression on the impressiveness of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, all during a close ALCS elimination game.

But perhaps nothing encapsulates the inanity of the broadcast more than the keys to the game:



You see, baseball laypeople, take it from me, Tim McCarver, a baseball expert: the key to winning the game is to win the game. Here is my reasoning: I will tell you the cities to which these teams will travel if they do not win the game.

I really wish McCarver did weekly Internet chats.

In today's Sox-O's game, Tim McCarver mentioned that Bellhorn walks or strikes out 46.2% of the time. Yes, he mentioned the two-tenths of one percent.

He went on to say, "On-base percentage? How about contact percentage?!"

And then a great line: "I only care about on-base percentage if you can run. If you can't run, I could care less about on-base percentage."

I think we can extrapolate from that statement that if Tim McCarver were managing a player like David Ortiz, he would recommend that David just make an out every time he comes up.

And lastly, here is a post from Bill Simmons a while back. It's on the ShutUpTimMcCarver site, but I felt it necessary to post it here...

The McCarver/Buck exchange right before Podsednik's walkoff homer Sunday night, which definitely goes down in the pantheon of Eerie Broadcaster Moments. Buck said something like "Do you think Lidge still has the taste of that Pujols homer in his mouth?" -- quickly followed by McCarver saying, "I don't think that taste is there." Within like 0.000000000045 seconds, Podsednik was slamming the game-winner. I don't think everyone else combined in the history of sports broadcasting has jinxed as many pitchers as Buck and McCarver over the last few years. It's unreal. The 1965 version of Sandy Koufax couldn't pitch a no-hitter against the team from "A League of Their Own" with Buck and McCarver announcing.

Thursday, November 05, 2009


FINALLY... Chase Utley can wash his fucking hair.