Pigfucker.

First off, there better be a band called "Pigfucker" out there somewhere. Shit is too cool to not be a band name. Now, onto more pressing matters...

It's Saturday so I'm expecting a nice light day of work. Henceforth, I planned on beginning my post about all the sexy animated Disney starlets. However, I thought it may seem odd if by chance our IT guys here happened to find a bunch of pictures of animated, possibly adolescent girls on my desktop. So, I will save that post for the comfort and safety of a non-DOJ facility. I know, I know: I'm getting soft in my old age. In the meantime, there is something I've wanted to talk about recently. A group of people that really chap my ass: Cops.

Don't get me wrong. I commend most of the officers and officerettes who make the decision to become law enforcement personnel. It's not always a rewarding career. Generally speaking, a majority of cops are nice, hard-working individuals who simply want to make a difference in their respective communities by enforcing the laws and keeping their fellow citizens safe. Unfortunately, not every cop can be this way. For every good, well-natured cop out there, it's likely there's a bushel of fuckface asswipe cocksmokers who simply took the job so they could feel important, project their own inadequacies on others, or to simply prove to their dad that they could do better than mall security. While being a police officer is certainly not an easy job, these dickheads take their job WAY too seriously. A constant state of alertness is justifiably necessary for their own personal safety, but these guys always take it way too far. For instance...

Anil and Salil know this game all too well.

We've all encountered one of these types at least once in our life. For some of us, it seems these are the only cops we ever seem to cross paths with. Dismally, it sullies our perspective on the American lawman and just makes Wyatt Earp look like a real A-hole. Luckily, I haven't had any run-ins with DC Metro PD yet, although I'm quite certain I could easily outrun every single one of them. The fitness standards for the typical DC cop are far from strenuous. To be completely honest, it seems the recruitment standards require that you look exactly like Carl Winslow. I've had my fair share of encounters with police back in Connecticut and rarely was I left without a bad taste in my mouth. And no, that's not a reference to gunpoint-forced fellatio. As a close friend of mine will tell you, don't believe a word a cop says or you'll end up in handcuffs. As another friend of mine will tell you, don't try pleading the fifth because they'll call it obstruction of justice. As yet another friend of mine will tell... wait a minute. Why are all my friends from back home such fucking criminals? Nevermind. That's a discussion for a later time.

Either way, dealing with these kinds of prick cops can be difficult, frustrating, and altogether enfuriating. So how does one cope when thrust into a situation involving a douche-lick cop? Well, I wrote a quick reference guide here back in the day. But really, that is slightly outdated. Instead, take a few tips from this guy...