Know Your Rights

Originally intended for the Roanoke College newspaper. Never made it to print.

We’ve all had our share of run-ins with the law. Whether it be a minor traffic violation or a double-homicide, we all know how difficult the strong arm of the law can be at times. So, in my infinite wisdom, I have developed four easy steps on how to speak, treat, and interact with a police officer. Please note: many of these tactics can be effective on all figures of authority, ranging from your parents to your dominatrix.

1. Respect. Police officers crave respect. It is essentially the reason they pursued law enforcement careers. Therefore, it is important to respect the officer at all times. If he says his name is Officer Wellington, say “I’m sorry, did you say ‘Officer Pig’?” If you want, tell him you smell bacon and start making oink noises. If he gets angry, tell him pigs are actually the third smartest animal, which almost makes up for how they're fat and smell like shit. This is the absolute best way to show the officer you respect him.
2. Answer Honestly. The police do not appreciate a skewed answer. It is very hard to give an officer and honest answer without having your integrity questioned. In order to avoid such a conundrum, give nothing but skewed answers. When he asks for your name, tell him you’re the ambassador of Tonga and you have diplomatic immunity. Since Tonga is a relatively obscure country, the officer is bound to be confused and let you go.
3. If you feel that giving skewed answers isn’t the best approach, try not answering at all. Begin acting as though you only understand sign language. After the officer tries mouthing your violation several times to no result, he'll likely become frustrated and start beating you. That's when you yell out “I’m deaf, I don't know what you want from me” in that funny deaf guy voice. Make sure passers-by hear you and become outraged at his behavior. Soon, you'll have an angry mob gathered around that petty excuse for an officer and you can crawl under their legs to safety.
4. Never let the officer into his comfort zone. If he says your eyes look bloodshot, tell him you were born with a genetic defect that makes it impossible for your eyelids to close (be sure not to blink while explaining this). If he tells you he has extensive training to determine when someone's lying, ask him if he's ever seen “Training Day”, and does he know if the DVD has any good extras. If he tells you you're going to jail, ask him where he's going. He'll start to say “jail” but then he'll catch himself. As he thinks of a better way to answer your question, steal his cruiser and head to Blockbuster to rent “Training Day”.