Passing Time

The following is the result of sheer boredom, stream of consciousness, and minor insanity during Humanities class sophomore year...

If Thoreau’s dumbass was right, should we just be sitting here letting life pass us by? Shouldn’t we be out there “sucking the marrow out of life” with a wacky, twisty straw we from a box of Cocoa Puffs? Should we really sit in classes, seminars, and trees with binoculars while life is passing us by like the family of four does to the smelly, hitch-hiking hobo? Who’s to say education is even important? Maybe learning all these equations, historic events, and how much alcohol it takes for a trip to the hospital is just a distraction keeping us from attaining true happiness? Shit, maybe true happiness is the glistening mirage in the empty, lonesome desert of life. Shit, maybe O.J. didn’t do it. Maybe God has just put us on earth to puppet us around and laugh when the elderly poop themselves. Maybe God doesn’t exist? Maybe God was the pigeon killed by a 95 mph Randy Johnson fastball and we should blame the multiple Cy Young winner for destroying all hope to mankind. I’m just kidding – Randy Johnson is the savior to the New York Yankees (well, he was fucking supposed to be when I originally wrote this).

Which brings me to my next point: was the Big Bang an explosion that created the universe or was it Adam boning Eve under the Forbidden Tree? Yeah, now I got your mind working. Speaking of which, I’ve heard the average human only uses 10% of his/her brain’s full potential. The typical viewer of The OC uses 0.3%. Therefore, it is my goal to use at least 11% of my brain’s full potential. Only then will I finally figure out how to wipe my ass without hurting myself. In regard to the byproduct of ass-wiping, whatever happened to Greg Ostertag?Ooh, I just heard this one: “What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a bathroom? …Linoleum Blownapart.” We’re talking about the 5’2” French dude who loved waterslides. At least, that’s what I learned from Bill And Ted’s Excellent Adventure. Have you ever seen the sequel, Bill And Ted’s Bogus Journey? Yeah, BOGUS doesn’t even begin to describe it. I could have used the four bucks for that rental to buy eighty pieces of Bazooka Joe. Then trade those in for 400 pennies. Then eat the pennies. Then spend the next week shitting miniature copper Lincoln heads. Copper or something – whatever the hell pennies are made out of. That’s how bad that sequel was. And class is over.