I'm Going To Make You A Bicycle. But I Don't Want To Make You A Bicycle...
Jesus Christ. Really?? You're all a bunch of goddamn jackals. Hyenas. I'll admit my posting frequency has dwindled significantly in the past month, but I've probably got reasons for it (Mental Note: Think of reasons, preferably charitable ones). You all forget how easy it is to get on the computer, head to Calmer Than You Are and read some shit that may be funny, may not be funny, or may simply be a discussion on how my right testicle is slightly larger than my left. What you don't realize is that it takes time. It takes time to come up with something funny, something not funny, or to leave my desk at work to measure my testicles with a coworker's hair-tie. But no, take a brief hiatus and it's "No post in 11 days?" or "At least entertain us with some obsecene fantasy" or "C'mon, which testicle is bigger??" I'm even getting emails from some of my readers. To be honest, I didn't think anyone who visited this blog could actually read. Fuck, I can barely count past twelve. Keep in mind, I greatly appreciate your readership, but look at it this way: If MTV didn't think long and hard before creating such awesome television programs, don't you think the quality would suffer? Thank god for their patience.
In the midst of your complaints, jeers, and pleas, I've been busy training clients, protecting America, volunteering at a soup kitchen (Mental Note: Good one!), changing my diet dramatically, and actually doing way more work than most government employees would ever imagine. Don't get me wrong, I'm keeping it half-assed around here, but shit just keeps piling up. Like a heap of Steven Seagal straight-to-dvd movies. But there are things in the works...
For instance, I planned on discussing how Jim Henson was most likely a chronic masturbator (Mental Note: I know that game) and merely invented a wide array of animal puppets to keep himself stimulated. You gotta admire that kind of innovation.
I also want to discuss an important issue that is very near and dear to me: which female Disney character is the hottest? It's gonna be quite a debate. Ariel is hot, but she's half-fish and I think underage. Jasmine's probably a Persian freak, but you have to get past that big fucking tiger... and I find a lot of Middle Eastern women have beaks where their noses should be. Esmeralda was pretty smoking and she was voiced by Demi Moore, but she was gypsy and they just can't be trusted. More on this soon...
I even thought about addressing this: "Seriously, making fun of how white we are? That's so lame." Yeah, but it's easy. If anyone prefers, I could go into a much more detailed list of all of The Hurricane's aesthetic deficiencies.
Plus, we've got more Links On The Left, SteveChat, This Guy Is Single, and perhaps even the tale of the fuckface who broke into my car last week - and the ensuing murder/torture that befalls him! YAY!
Not to mention, the 100th Post is coming soon. I'd promise something incredible and amazing and epic, but it'll probably just be a picture of my massive right nut. Which, to some, might be pretty incredible, amazing, and epic.
NOTE: I should also say that since we have Internet Explorer -1.5 here at work, I'm having trouble formatting text and posting more pictures of Kelly Ohmygodsheissofuckinggorgeous Pickler. Hopefully, the nerds in the nerdery get this sorted out soon...
posted by Q @ 12:45 AM
9 Comments
9 Comments:
See, now this is what I'm talking about. This is what blogging is all about. It's not about coming up with new material, it's about doing the best with what you're given.
You have this Hurricane character who posts ridiculous comments on here all the time. Why not get all over this guy and talk about what he used to do in college, the fact that he is highly unattractive, his poor hygiene, etc.
And then you did a nice job basing this post on other comments on here, which mainly called you out for being lazy. Or maybe it's not that you're lazy, it's that you just don't care. Whatever it is, I don't give a sh*t. I don't need to read great stuff on here. I just need to read something. Not all of us enjoy our jobs as much as you do, so we need things to do at work while we're depressed that we can't have an enjoyable job like stopping criminals from coming into the country or teaching constantly varied, functional movements, performed at high intensity to people in a garage in East Hartford that resembles a dungeon.
So that's all that I ask. You're a good enough blogger (I'm hoping that brings on the lightbulb for you and you say to yourself, "wow, he's right. I am a great blogger. I don't need all of this preperation") to just post whatever comes to mind and it's going to be gold. Silver at least. Fine, maybe it's going to be sh*t, but it will at least be funny sh*t.
Get your ass in gear. Seriously. And stop sending me pictures of your grocery carts with fruit and vegetables in it. It's weird. I understand that you probably eat a lot better than I do. And I'm ok with that. You sending me your grocery list isn't going to make me measure out 4 block meals just because you're doing it. It's that simple. All it's going to do is make me look at my phone, see some stupid grocery store commercial, compliments of Q, and say something like "why does this toolbag keep sending me pictures of the food that he's buying". And then I'll probably have a few extra handfulls of almonds and a little extra peanut butter. So really, what are you doing for me by sending me those pictures that you take on your phone and ask me what I ate today?
And now this is turning into a great ramble. See what I did there? I got out of a meeting at 9, read your blog, and then started posting this comment. It's now 9:12 and I've written more on here than you have in the past 2 weeks. That's how you blog. Bloggin' ain't about preparing, editing posts, and making it perfect. That's what high school english class is for. I know--I was substitute teacher of the year. You should know too--you tried to make a run at it but lacked the ability to create meaningful relationships with the other teachers and students, thus, prohibiting you from developing any real street cred around that school.
So leave the red circles on your writing for Billy Balsewicz and just start posting more sh*t on here please. For the love of God, give me something halfway funny to read at work.
Commentin' for more bloggin',
Drew
Hey Drew - FYI, I'm female, but thanks anyway. I consider myself decently attractive, however, I do have plenty of aesthetic (and non-aesthetic) deficiencies, and I look forward to Q calling them out (which will be interesting seeing as we've never met or spoken to each other).
I'm a little insulted that you called my comments ridiculous, but I guess someone who eats shit all the time doesn't have much taste anyway, so I won't hold it against you. I do however, really appreciate your characterization of Cross Fit, so we'll call it even.
I completely agree that it's not so much the quality I come to this blog for, just something amusing or distracting to read. So seriously Q, just continue to post your most idiotic thoughts as you have been doing and you'll continue to attract readers - because obviously anything you write will be better than the shit they put on MTV (what you think Laguna Beach and the Hills has a lot of thought put in them??!)
Q - any discussion of hot female Disney characters MUST include Jessica Rabbit from Who Framed Roget Rabbit? She surely beats out any of those whores you named: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yy5THitqPBw.
Need I say more??
The Hurricane totally redeemed herself. Sorry, 'Cane, I seemed to think of either Bob Dylan or Denzel Washington sitting on the other end of this blog with a name like the Hurricane. I hope you aren't able to kick my ass with a name like that. That would be quite embarrassing.
And I can't tell if by saying that I eat shit all the time so I don't have any taste is an attack against me or this poorly written blog that we're both commenting on, but either way I'm just going to let that go because I don't want to walk myself into saying something like "I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast".
Maybe Q should actually be reading our blogs here? Look at this. In 1/11 of the time it took him to come up with "jerking off the sink at work", we've written some mildly amusing comments to an otherwise non-amusing blog. Maybe we're the righteous man (woman) and Ringo (Q) is the evil man.
But the truth is, Q is the weak. And we're the tyranny of evil men (women). But we're tryin'...tryin' real hard to be the shepherd.
So back to my apology to the 'Cane, and I apologize for that unnecessary Pulp Fiction quote there.
So, Hurricane, it would seem as though you have quite a bit to say, and I'm willing to put this little disagreement over whether your posts/comments were in fact ridiculous, which, hey, maybe they weren't, since you seem to be so insulted by what I said. Maybe I misread them. Maybe I'm the evil man and you're the shepherd.
I think what this comes down to is that Calmer Than You Are is on its way to being Zed. Who's Zed you ask? Zed's dead, baby. Zed's dead....
Good lord. I take back every bad thing I ever said about either of you.
I will begin to take my responsibilities as a blogger (holy fuck, that sounds queer) more seriously. And I will definitely include Jessica Rabbit. She's curvy and was voiced by the raspy Kathleen Turner. Of course, picturing how Kathleen Turner looks now does absolutely nothing but delay my orgasms.
But seriously, as this rate, you two could easily run this place...
Just a minor note, Hurricane--Jessica Rabbit wasn't a Disney character. It's a technicality, I know, but whaddyagonnado?
thanks for posting that Salil Moon-Frye...I was trying to remember whether or not Who Framed Roger Rabbit was a Disney flick...either way, Jessica Rabbit is one of the hottest cartoons out there....
ACTUALLY, Touchstone Pictures distributed the film and is one of several alternate film labels of The Walt Disney Company.
Okay, I feel we're all getting bogged down in the details here. The most important thing to take from all of this? I would totally violate her animated ass...
P.S. Salil Moon-Frye?! How did I not think of that one already? Brilliant.
Yea, sorry Salil, since I don't know you, but I thought 'Salil Moon-Frye' was gold myself...
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