Thursday, December 11, 2008

Gayest Thing Ever?

This has been on my mind for a long time now. In fact, every time the commercial in question comes on, I pretty much lose my fucking mind. I simply cannot fathom the gayness...

Several things about this wretched afterbirth of a commercial seriously vex me. I almost planned on breaking it down frame by frame, but that would've required multiple viewings. That could have killed me. Don't even get me started on the part where Phelps and A-Rod are kicking the couch cushions. Jesus Christ. So for now, I'm going to give a summation of what goes through my mind every time this 33 second spot of misery comes on...

1) I originally thought, "Well, these guys must be getting paid a shitload of money to prance around oh so gayly." But then I realized: all four of these guys are making millions upon millions of dollars. If one of them got stabbed, gold coins would probably trickle out of the wound like a goddamn slot machine. So they really don't need commercial money.

2) So then I thought, "Well, maybe it was just an opportunity for four premier athletes from their respective sports to meet up, have fun, and make a gay commercial together." And then I realized: Shit! They're all still rich. They could meet up whenever the fuck they want and it wouldn't involve underwear, pink shirts, plastic guitars, and Kobe Bryant practically fellating a microphone.

3) So finally I thought, "What in the fuck?!" What could compel these men to stoop to such utter queerdom?

I thought it best to simply break it down by skateboarder, swimmer, third basemen, and rapist. So let's see what we can figure out from all of this...

Tony Hawk: It's hard giving him a pass because he's usually much smarter than this, but he gets one nonetheless because... c'mon, he's Tony fucking Hawk. Does this ring any bells? Besides, he really rocks the fuck out of those drums.

Michael Phelps: Yeah, he's gotta get a pass on this. For now, we'll chalk this up to being an overzealous youth. He saw a chance to be in a commercial with three seriously legendary dudes and he took it. Still, he should know by now that he's a legend after the Olympics. So really, there's no reason to look like such a flaming douche on that guitar.

Alex Rodriguez: This sucks. I'm a diehard Yankee fan through and through. And despite all the shit he gets, I love A-Rod. Why? Because he moved to third base without letting pride get in the way, still plays Gold Glove caliber, and drops absolute fucking bombs (couldn't find a good clip on youtube). Still, as much as I respect his play, he's got some faults outside of the pinstripes. It's like Tom Cruise. Sure, he was great in Magnolia, but I wanna punch a hole in his face when I hear him talk about Scientology. Meanwhile, A-Rod has been suspected of dating the most insufferable cunt on the planet (Madonna, not Oprah) and for some reason, always appears to be wearing women's lip balm. All of his onfield accomplishments aside, I can't give him a pass for this travesty of advertising, or tradvertsy.

Kobe Bryant: Phenomenal athlete; total cocksucker. If anyone is terrified of blemishing his image, it's this fuckbag. Still, it makes those pesky rape accusations look even less credible. I'm sure police and lawyers alike are all saying, "What woman could possibly get raped by this pussy?"

DISCLAIMER: Look, I've got nothing against gay people. In fact, I might be in love with a lesbian - that's right, I'm Holden fucking McNeal, fuck you! Regardless, I'm totally fine with people being gay and doing gay stuff together, whether it be shopping, oral sex, or watching a Ryan Gosling movie. Again, this is all in the spirit of humor. Besides, there's really no telling how many dicks I'd suck to have as much money as the above-mentioned athletes I've just spent the past hour belittling.


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