Friday, December 12, 2008

Give Me A Snorkel And A Bagged Lunch And I'm In There...

I've spent the past few minutes at work trying to find video to help support my impending gripe, but it's proving somewhat difficult. Essentially, I'm looking for a compilation or various clips of Angelina Jolie being a badass in her movies. Unfortunately, the most frequently searched clips of Ms. Maybe-Pitt are scenes where she's almost naked or almost getting banged. God, youtube is just a bunch of Amish prudes.

I'm not gonna sugarcoat this: I'm getting sick of Angelina Jolie. No, not because she's halfway to adopting all of Zimbabwe, but because it seems every single movie she's in recently has her playing the ultimate badass. Look, I get it, Angelina is a strong, sexy, powerful, feminine, and graceful woman. But at this point, it's really starting to piss me off. Let's check out her track record...

Tomb Raider: In this video game turned movie she plays Lara Croft. Perfect casting, really. Angelina's got big lips and epic tits. And she looks much hotter with two Desert Eagles on her hips instead of two African babies. I was fine with this one. Unfortunately, it started a chain reaction of ridiculousness.

Gone In 60 Seconds: Okay, this movie was technically released before Tomb Raider, but TR is a much better first example. Let's not even mention the fact that I'm completely leaving out Hackers. I mean, shit, she's even being a badass... while being a fucking computer hacker! Cue the collective boners of a thousand nerds. But I digress. In Gone In 60 Seconds Angelina plays Sway, another strong woman who can build engines, steal cars, and drop terribly written lines throughout an entire movie. In one key scene, she whips a minivan in front of two police officers in pursuit of Nicolas Cage, then mocking them with a kissy face. While she clearly hasn't heard about the law against obstruction of justice or interfering in a pursuit, at least she's driving a Honda Odyssey and not an Aston Martin. Also, can someone tell me why the fuck she's named "Sway" for Christ's sake?!

Mr. & Mrs. Smith: Here, she plays a world-class badass assassin who is all business and blah blah who fucking cares. Not only does she constantly get the better of Brad Pitt in their fight scenes throughout the movie, but she also claims to have killed more than three times the amount of people he did. I'd say, "give the dude a break," but I'm sure he bangs her at least twice a day, so fuck him.

Beowulf: In this epic poem turned movie, she plays Grendel's manipulative sorceress mother. Never saw it, never read the book, never read the Cliff Notes, never gave a shit. Not even sure if this is a good example. Ray Winstone is the epitome of badass, though.

And lastly, came the greatest transgression of all - Wanted: Yes, it's an over-the-top action film and we expect a bunch of absurd bullshit like bending bullets, insane car chases, and never seeing Angelina take it in the ass. Absurd. Yet again, Angelina plays the ultimate badass. She doesn't take any shit, she's the best at what she does, and so on and on and on. See? It's just fucking redundant at this point.

I mean, come on, the only time I remember Angelina being vulnerable in a movie is in Taking Lives. You remember, Ethan Hawke bangs her and then later on she catches him tearing off his mother's head in an elevator with his bare hands. Classic cinema right there. Just absolutely brilliant writing. That guy had no respect for the strength of human flesh, sinew, or the overall integrity of the spinal column.

Sure, there were other more arty pictures where she played a vulnerable frail woman, but none of those were ever crazy-ass blockbuster-esque type movies. All I'm asking for is one scene somewhere in some movie where Angelina Jolie gets raped. Ya know, in a classy way. Preferably by a group of ice road truckers. Because those guys deserve it. And if not them, then me and a bunch of clones of me. If cloning is still illegal, then just me. Yeah, that'll work just fine.

In the immortal words of Brendon from WWTDD: "Brad Pitt must really really want kids, because I can't imagine the desire to give Angelina Jolie a facial ever ever goes away. I know I still want to. Her tongue might as well have a bullseye on it."


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