Links On The Left, Part 8

Blair Morrison finished in 7th Place at the 2009 CrossFit Games. To those of you that don't know what this is, it's a pretty lofty accomplishment. CrossFit itself has it's flaws here and there and I readily admit that. Nevertheless, I stand by its basic principles. And the CrossFit Games are an effort to prove who is the best CrossFitter in the world, a feat they claim warrants the title of "Fittest Person On The Planet." You can argue against that nomenclature all you want, but to see these beasts go through the eight brutal events in person, it's hard to for me to dismiss it.

Blair is a graduate of Princeton University. He played football for the Tigers and is second all-time in receptions. For the past few years, he's been a personal trainer in Washington, DC. I've had the pleasure of working and discussing training with him for a while now. He's a good dude, but I give him endless shit for going to an Ivy League school. The tiniest of spelling or grammatical errors and it's "You went to Princeton, Blair?"

At the moment, Blair is studying in some genius program overseas. He'll be attending Leiden, the Sorbonne, and Oxford. In the meantime, he's trying to continue his fitness pursuits in a country not as well equipped in CrossFit as the states. FitQuest documents this endeavor. It's a sweet site for those interested in CrossFit, training ideas, and reading stuff written by people smarter than them.

By the way, Blair weighs 185lbs and snatches 100kg. Dude is a monster.

Links On The Left, Part 6

As some of you may know, I am a CrossFit trainer at a gym in Washington, DC. This gym is called Primal Fitness. It was recently voted "Best Gym In DC" by some newspaper. I don't know, I find the texture and feel of ink-based publications to be morose. I've been working there for about a year, turning average people into athletes and turning athletes into fucking monsters. At least I like to think so.

For those that are curious as to what CrossFit is... oh, fuck off, I already explained it in an earlier post. Odds are, it's better than whatever you're doing to stay in shape now. Whether you're running three miles a day, doing benches presses and lat pulls, or just molesting your dog, I promise you CrossFit will get you in better overall shape. And by God, I might just be the man for the job. But probably not because it's entirely likely that I dislike you.

So if you're in the DC area and want to get a good workout in, stop by. Or if you'd like to see me take my shirt off in an effort to scare away drug addicts, that might be fun too.

Links On The Left, Part 5

Yep, not changing the title. "Links On The Left" is a fucking fixture around here, people. You can't just up and change something simply because it's not accurate. Where would the world be if you couldn't stand behind known falsehoods with blind devotion? I'll tell ya where. We'd be Gymkata. I'm kidding; Gymkata fucking rules.

Onto business... What Would Tyler Durden Do? is one of the best sites on the internet. Normally, I could care less about celebrities unless I hear about them dying, which Madonna just refuses to do, but WWTDD makes it much more interesting. Brendon, the guy who writes everything on there, is another reason I decided to get back into this whole blog bullshit. Dude is goddamn hilarious. Whether he's making fun of himself, wishing for Amy Whinehouse's next overdose to finally do the trick, or commenting on how damn chunky Jennifer Love Chewitt has gotten, it's all gold.

Some memorable quotes:

"Brad must be a passionate man because the temptation to pull out on Angelina Jolie would seemingly never get old. We could have sex every day for a hundred years and she might be scared that she was barren, but she would appreciate all the pineapple juice I’ve been drinking."

"Hell, I would blow a homeless guy on stage at my high school reunion to get on top of Heidi [Klum] as many times as Seal has."

"Having an NFL cheerleader and contestant from 'the Bachelor' on a show called 'Dancing With The Stars' really pushes any rational definition of the term 'stars', but as of today Melissa Rycroft is definitely a star in my book. My book is entitled, Girls I'd Like To Fuck."

"...it turns out – and I did not realize this before – the one thing more uncomfortable to masturbating while looking at a dude is masturbating while looking at a dude who is you. It's like I jerked off on my twin."

And that's only going back two weeks into his archives. So stop reading US Weekly, Twitter, InTouch, Perez Hilton, or any of that other bullshit that totally sucks and just go to Tyler. He's better, cheaper, quicker, and not a fat homo with pink hair.

Links On The Left, Part 4

First of all, have any of you noticed that all of the links happen to be on the right side of the page? Sure, I'm a colossal fucking moron for that, but I assumed that among the three of you reading out there, you could've figured that one out. I can't hold your hands through everything...

Anyways, today I am talking about CrossFit.com. CrossFit is a General Physical Preparedness (GPP) program that has essentially changed my life. With any luck, I'll drop this shithole government job and open my own gym someday. Just like White Goodman.

CrossFit's basic principles revolve around Constantly Varied Functional Movements Executed at High Intensity. Basically, it's harder than whatever you're currently doing. CrossFit's definition of fitness is increased work capacity across broad time and modal domains. The ability to move large loads quickly in a variety of ways is fitness, so to speak. Sure, Lance Armstrong can ride a bike for days, but I wouldn't ask the guy to shovel my driveway during a nor'easter. Dude's a fuckin' stringbean. Meanwhile, the douche-bag meathead at your local gym may be able to bench press 500 pounds, but I'll bet he can't do more than 10 pull-ups. Better yet, I guarantee he can't run a sub-8 minute mile.

The idea of CrossFit is to be good at everything. Fitness-related only, unfortunately. If only it made people better at nailing countless numbers of women...

Just the other day, I did a 30 minute workout in which I ended up doing 120 pull-ups, 120 ring dips, and 345 sit-ups. Shit was brutal. Even worse were the two raspberries I got on the top of my ass cheeks. My shit was rubbed raw. It looks like attempted entry wounds.

I felt a lot like this...

Links On The Left, Part 3

Steve Dombek is one of my best friends. Sure, he never calls, never offers to drive, and tends to have way more time for Joey Fatone's cousin than me, but he's still my buddy. To be honest, I'm not convinced he even realizes I don't live in Connecticut anymore. Regardless, I owe a lot of my sense of humor to him and the conversations we've had, as evidenced in all of those SteveChats.

Future Pope is his blog, which he hasn't updated or added to in three years. You'll notice some posts contain material from various SteveChats. Clearly, this makes him a plagiarist. Or not. I don't know, I'm fucking tired. Besides, his hair in that profile picture makes him look all Jewey*.

I basically linked his blog because he linked mine on his. Reciprocity: it's what makes the world turn. That's why men give each other reach-arounds - it's just plain courteous.





*I've been to the Holocaust Museum three times, so I get one antisemitic joke a year.

Links On The Left, Part 1

This is a brief segment I've been wanting to do regarding the links I've posted - holy shit - on the left. I figure it might be nice to give you a brief summation of what each is about, lest you think I'm navigating you straight into Brazilian fart porn (yes, it really exists).

We'll start from the top...

Michael Kelly's Page of Misery

A British writer, Michael Kelly hasn't experienced much overall success other than the traffic to his website and a couple of books those assholes in the publishing industry finally recognized as gold. I've read almost everything he's written and he's a big reason I continue writing to this day, much to the chagrin of whoever reads Kellie Pickler's fan mail. His prose, topics, and self-deprecating style are good at make me laugh much. Do you see how reading improves one's own writing?

Selections I recommend:
A Bad Kid
Dear Clarissa
How To Be Calm
Test Your Lateral Thinking
Journal of Distration

It took a lot of self-control to not name more than that. Oh yeah, there will probably be some British slang you won't recognize here and there, but you'll get used to it. If not, watch a Guy Ritchie movie or something. Jesus, I can't do everything for you.

So fuck off and read his shit already...