Hulk Smash.

So I hate my job. And it makes me angry. Sometimes too angry. Unfortunately, not angry enough to turn me into a giant green superhero that smashes shit. For instance, a while back something got got fucked up somewhere. I don't remember exactly what happened, but my fuck, did it ever piss me off. I calmly locked my computer (for security reasons, of course), stood up from my desk, walked calmly to the bathroom, and almost ripped one of the stall doors off the fucking hinges. I got damn close, too.

Nothing that severe has occurred in some time, but this place sucks. And it's getting worse and worse. As much as I would LOVE to set homeless people on fire, their existence, while disgusting and generally unnecessary, almost seems like a better option than continuing to work in this fucking dump.

Regardless, I've come to realize that my slight anger issues should probably be addressed. And, as to be expected, rather than work, I decided to Google some anger management techniques. The ensuing result? I got fucking angry. Look at this shit...

When you're angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated and overly dramatic. Try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones. For instance, instead of telling yourself, "oh, it's awful, it's terrible, everything's ruined," tell yourself, "it's frustrating, and it's understandable that I'm upset about it, but it's not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow."

Are they fucking serious? When I'm pissed off, I don't have time to string together a long, pussy-ass, flowery fuckface sentence. I barely have enough time to call the cab driver's mother a cunt before I rap him in the back of the head.

"Silly humor" can help defuse rage in a number of ways. For one thing, it can help you get a more balanced perspective. When you get angry and call someone a name or refer to them in some imaginative phrase, stop and picture what that word would literally look like. If you're at work and you think of a coworker as a "dirtbag" or a "single-cell life form," for example, picture a large bag full of dirt (or an amoeba) sitting at your colleague's desk, talking on the phone, going to meetings.

That's not funny. Okay, maybe a bag of dirt going to meeting is kind of funny, mainly because I've already given it a name and a back story (its name is Bill, he's a claims adjuster with three kids, and his wife is cheating on him with some high-grade lawn fertilizer). But really, this tip is worthless. How are you supposed to picture "funny" images when the only thing coming to mind is driving railroad spikes into someone's face?

Do this whenever a name comes into your head about another person. If you can, draw a picture of what the actual thing might look like.

Again, no can do. I don't think my supervisor would appreciate a wide array of penis drawings scattered about my desk. This is how I picture all of my coworkers.

It's best to find out what it is that triggers your anger, and then to develop strategies to keep those triggers from tipping you over the edge.

Well, I've discovered one of my triggers is shitty anger management device.