Seriously... Fuck Canada

What is the point? What a goddamn waste of a country. We could take those frozen bastards in a second. You're probably wondering why I'm so upset. Or you really don't care whatsoever, but you'd rather read about why I hate our northern neighbors instead of editing copy or studying weather patterns or fixing IT problems or whatever the fuck it is you people do.

So I'm at work, of course, and I get a message from Canada. Essentially, some dude is wanted, but Canada neglects to say what for. They give me all the guy's information and even the facts of the case. His ex-wife comes over his house. She goes missing. Then he's seen carrying a large suitcase out of his apartment. And several days later there are reports that he tried using her credit card. Everyone see where this is going? No? Jesus, I have to do everything around here. In the most likely of scenarios, the dude killed his ex-wife with the candlestick in the library, stuffed the broad in his suitcase, disposed of the body, tried scoring some money from her bank accounts, and then attemped to flee the country. Pretty open and shut. But Canada, those dumb-shit hockey-lovin' fucks, fail to simply say, "Wanted for Murder." Three simple words that make my simple job even more simple so a simpleton like me can get his work done. I could just assume but herein lies the problem...

Right now, Canada's got nothing but circumstantial evidence. They're simply assuming murder and that's no good. Much like Die Hard 2, which was also no good. No good at all. You see, there are several possible scenarios that could be occurring...

1) Him and his ex-wife had a long discussion about how his addiction to pornography was responsible for ruining their marriage. After realizing his problem, he loaded up a large suitcase with all of his magazines, VHS tapes, and anal beads. He disposed of it accordingly. But then, knowing who he truly was deep down, he could not resist his urges. He used his ex-wife's credit card to buy Rim Nibblers 7: The Ring Of Fire. He was so overcome with guilt, he fled Canada to Paraguay, where his disgusting habits are encouraged.

2) He and his ex-wife had an altercation, but rather than kill her, he trapped her - in his suitcase! Of course! But why? Well, it's obvious that she has rabies. And if she sinks her teeth into that poor bastard, he'll have it too. I don't know what the required number is, but that sounds like a few steps shy of a full-blown pandemic. Sounds like he did the right thing to me.

3) She killed him. Follow me here. She's a woman so naturally she had copious amounts of debt from buying purses and shoes and lipstick and oven cleaners and jellybeans and cake batter and ice cream and InTouch magazine. The only way to escape Canada's extremely harsh penalty for debt (they actually make you pay it), she had to fake her own death. In doing so, she would frame her asswipe ex-husband because he never complimented her new dress or her haircut or her make-up or her cooking or her mother's moustache. So, quite simply, she stabbed him in the face with turkey baster, stuffed him in a suitcase, and then, using similar technology to that found in Face-Off (you know, the movie where no one ever seems to reload their gun), she grafts his face onto hers and BOOM - she's scot-free.

4) They're a traveling magician and assistant. They booked a show in Monaco that's going to help pay for their unborn son Heinrich's prosthetic ear lobe. Obviously, in this economic climate, one plane ticket is cheaper than two. And if you've got a professionally-trained magician's assistant who can contort her body into a variety of positions, you take full advantage of that. Both with air travel and in the bedroom, if you know what I mean. I'm talking about dirty sex, if you don't know what I mean.

5) He's going on vacation and his ex-wife is house-sitting for him. And even though he has a new girlfriend and is taking her to a magical tropical island, his ex-wife still lets him use her bank card. Women...

So you see, any one of these scenarios is entirely possible. I know some of them might sound crazy and ridiculous, but keep one thing in mind, they're Canadian, so really, anything is possible.

Meanwhile, I'm sitting here with a stupid case I can't process. Fuckin' Canada. Robin Williams said it first and many of you have heard me use it countless times to describe Massachusetts, but it still applies: "Canada is like a loft apartment over a really great party." I will confess, I did once have a thing with a girl from Canada and she was really hot. I swear. I'm not making this up. She was hot as fuck. Ya know what, fuck you. I wouldn't lie about that. She's real. And we had sex. Several times. I swear. Man, you're all a bunch of assholes.