Fuckface... Book

Well, I just reactivated my Facebook account for about 15 minutes...

...what a monumental waste of time.

I miss when it was called MySpace and you could pretend to be a 13 year-old girl and prey on unsuspecting sexual offenders. Ah, the good old days...

Peeve My Pet

I've come to realize the majority of things I write, be it fiction or humor, pretty much revolve around things I hate. You might even call them "pet peeves." While we're on the subject, I fucking hate the term "pet peeves." I hate it so much that I'm not even going to put forth the effort of using Google it to find out its etymology. Sidenote: I did, however, just use Google to make sure "etymology" was the right word to use.

Despite this obvious character flaw of mine, I figure if it's not broke, then Chunk hasn't gotten his hands on it yet. That's a Goonies reference. Try to keep up, people. We're running on all cylinders here.

So what is the current object of my loathing?
Presidential Inauguration Housing Specials.

I don't blame people for taking advantage of other people's stupidity. It's what makes this country great. But when I'm looking for apartments on craigslist and every single place is only available from January 19th through the 22nd, I find it ri-goddamn-diculous. What's worse is that people are using their vacation time (if they even have jobs) and paying absurd amounts to rent these places simply so they can "be a part of history." A face in the crowd is never a part of history. Unless you're Gavrilo Princip. Or maybe the guy who stabbed Monica Seles.

Look, I get it, Obama is black. He got elected. It's a monumental and historical event. But for fuck's sake, he's just gonna put his hand on a Bible and play The Repeater with John Roberts. I'm sure some smartass will start a "Yes, We Did!" chant, but that'll pretty much be the bulk of it. Now, is that all really worth $1000 a night? Sure, those bar stools look cool, but let's get serious.

Meanwhile, I'm stuck here with no apartment and forced to sharpen my Stay-Away Stick. FYI: The Stay-Away Stick is really just a large tree branch used to fend off over-the-top Obama supporters, hippies, and the Boxcar Children. The Stay-Away Stick is currently available at Walmart and Target, just in time for Christmas, the Presidential Inauguration, and the ensuing apocalypse!

Attention Intern, Part 1

As stated, I work in some shitty government job. Bottom of the totem pole pay, Rodney Dangerfield respect, and terrible hours. One saving grace? I'm still better than an intern. More or less. So since I work nights, I occassionaly leave little notes for the intern who uses my desk during the dayshift. Names have been removed or changed for obvious reasons. Some of it won't make sense if you don't know the people, but ya know... fuck you.

Attention Intern (YOU)

It has recently come to my attention that you are using my desk whilst I am away from the workplace. This is an unavoidable circumstance you and I both most endure. However, if we are to be sharing this workspace, there are a few ground rules you must abide by. I have spoken with Whitmoore and he has agreed to enforce any form of reprimand necessary should you not adhere to these tenets. This is a very serious matter and I suggest you take it very seriously.

1) Rule Number One. This rule is quintessential to your survival at this desk. Take a look around – what’s the first thing you notice? Exactly. Everything is perpendicular and forms a 90 degree angle consistent with the front line of the desk. This practice should be followed at all times.

2) If the computer continues to make that light humming sound, hit it. Gently at first. If frustrated, feel free to let loose on it. If in a lighthearted mood, try whispering sweet nothings into the USB ports. All three of these methods are incredibly effective.

3) You may only use my iPod port for an iPod. If you have an iPhone, I hate you.

4) If ever using the phone, hold it only to your right ear. If you ever hold it to your left ear, so help me God… and yes, I will be able to tell.

5) On Thursdays only: every half hour you must hit Brendon in the back of the head with a rubberband. There’s plenty in the storage closet should you happen to run out. If he turns around and accuses you, tell him it was on your “To Do” list. He’ll know what it means.

6) When you have free time, go around the office and speak to the detailees from other agencies, especially if you are interested in becoming an agent at some point. I wish I had done this more when I interned here. Don’t make the same mistake. Also, try to steal their guns. They love that.

7) Don’t smoke crack.

8) Believe half of everything Potts says. The other half has to be sent to translation.

9) There is one thing that can ultimately make or break your existence in this environment. It is a natural disaster of catastrophic proportions. A whirlwind of blinding rage and venom that emaciates the soul and withers the marrow of one’s bones. It cannot be stopped, contained, subdued, or reasoned with. It’s name… David Jebediah Whitmoore. You’ve been warned.

10) Lastly… well, this was all in jest, my friend. Enjoy your internship and feel free to smear grape jelly on my desk, if you want. Take care.